Archive for May, 2011


I’m pretty pleased the world didn’t end whenever they said it would last weekend.  I’m kinda pissed too.

It’s incredibly sad that so many of us actually bought into that shit.

I need to point out how ridiculous this nonsense is.  Was.  Will always be.

Give me a break.  Nobody knows anything about the end of days any better than anyone else.

My theory is that we’ll see it coming.  The rest of the bees will die off or Pakistan will get all jiggy with their nukes.  It’s going to be obvious.  We’re going to see it coming even if it’s an asteroid the size of  a Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger.  It absolutely will not be a surprise.  That doesn’t mean it’s not coming.  But it does mean we’ll see it and fear it for concrete reasons and the concept of ‘rapture’ will be the last thing escaping our lips.

I hate that there’s so many jackasses in America.

Fuck me, we’re stupid.

I’m just so frustrated.  I guarantee that most, if not all of the people who believed this ridiculous crap actually vote.  That doesn’t just scare me, it makes me authentically paranoid.  Lots of really dumb people voting.  Oh my.  It’s why Dumbya got elected.  It’s why jackwagons like Gingrich still enjoy the Sunday morning political talk show circuit, no matter what he says.  It’s why kids in Kansas or Texas have to suffer through an absurd curriculum that includes creationism and walking with dinosaurs.  These limp minded, backward ass country fucks are desperate for a reason to believe in a Santa Clause in the sky.  Someone to absolve them for banging their sister or lusting after Timmy, the nine year old paper boy.

They use God to justify racism, bigotry and sexism.

They can’t handle the truth.  They suck and they are morally and ethically reprehensible but they want to blame it on the Devil and be absolved by Jesus because the bible tells them so.

These roundheaded mouth breathers vote.  Consistently.

They are what’s wrong with all of us.  What’s wrong with everything.


They tell you that America is a “Christian Nation”.  That our forefathers intended as much.  Bullshit.  We fled England in large part to avoid religious persecution.  Most of them sought to insure that we’d forever be protected from divine intervention or any kind of God fuckery.

They lie. Excellent liars are excellent liars because they believe their own lies.  I’m a salesman.  The only way I could sell crap is if I didn’t believe it was crap.  I don’t do that.  I know the difference.  The people that thought the world would end last weekend don’t know the difference.  They are tragically gullible.  They shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce, much less drive or vote.  But they can and they do.

I am not at all sorry to tell you that the alleged master of all ceremonies according to any religion never existed at all and was only made up thousands of years ago to explain natural disasters and the attendant human suffering because science was in it’s prenatal stage.

I am sorry to tell you that the millions of people who still believe such horseshit still vote and that’s why we have the Republican party.

We need to get religion out of our politics.  How many times do they have to be proven absolutely and completely wrong about every single goddamn thing before we stop paying attention to anything and everything?  They tell us not to fuck everything in sight while they do just that but then ask for God’s forgiveness and that makes it okay.  They are vociferous and obstreperous in compelling us to limit a woman’s choice about her own body but then refuse to provide any care or alternative to that woman when she brings that fetus to term.  They railed against “Death Panels” but tell us two years later that we need to end social programs that would prevent grandma from dying on the street.

You know it as the Ryan budget and they are staring at their own demise.

Still, this is regoddamndiculous and these people should all die in the first frost of the soonest winter.

God is the problem.

Ronald Reagan said something like government isn’t the answer to our problems.  Government is the problem.


God is the problem.

Drinks for my friends.


There’s a confluence of wind in my shitbox.  After sundown I can place any large open mouthed empty plastic bottle pointed southwest on the southwest corner of my coffee table and watch it rock back and forth ever so slightly for hours.  I have one doing as much as I write this.  I control how much it shakes it’s hips by points on the compass.  The potential of introducing fluids into the equation is not lost on me.

They say the only thing that can possibly influence the absolute fifty fifty of a coin toss is human expectation.  Today there’s news of a planet that could maybe sustain us 20 light years away.  As of now it would take us 30,000 years to get there.  I’ve heard this before but it came up the other day in a sales meeting.

The idea that human anticipation can influence quantum physics is awesome.  This is no ordinary telemarketing job.  It was all illustrated with a brief lecture and five tosses of a quarter by a really smart guy who is kind of a dick.   My final day at this job was last Friday.

I’m moving on to something far more intense.  Somehow, my balls have gotten bigger.  I don’t doubt foolishly, but I wonder by how much.

There’s a difference between clever and intelligent.  It’s not quite as wide as the difference between brave and stupid.  It’s the difference between an ass in heels as opposed to no ass in heels.

It occurs to me we should talk about the goddamn Republicans or something.

I guess the Newt announced last week?  Whatever.  This big of an asshole will never be president.  He knows this as well as we do.  After a loser campaign, his speaking fees will spike and his brand will be secure despite the laws of natural selection consistently killing off his base.  He’ll shrink, but he’ll die before his brand is unable to sustain him.  It’s the only thing about him that really fucks with me.  He’s only running for president to insure he’s rich until he dies.  He will get that far and that really pisses me off.

He’ll walk away.

I really hope he’s in for a while though.  I do.  Really.  I can’t wait to watch him step on his bottom lipdick whilst defending a scorching case of hypocrisy from the dais of family values and religious bigotry.  He reeks like a homeless payday loan specialist when it comes to integrity.  He was banging his mistress and divorcing his cancer riddled wife while he lead the charge to impeach Big Bad Bill for a blowjob.

What a dick.

Newt Gingrich will die rich but miserable and suffering.

I welcome and adore his pollution of the Republican field of zero charisma or accomplishment.  The Newt’s batting average is in the goddamn basement.  He’s regarded by the GOP as an intellectual and that cracks me the fuck up.  He has no shame and is therefore qualified to run for president as a Republican.

Miller: John Wayne was a fag.
All : The hell he was.
Miller : He was, too, you boys. I installed two-way mirrors in his pad in Brentwood, and he come to the door in a dress.  -Repo Man

Then you have Guy Smiley.  Mit Romney.  Got single payer health care done in Massachusetts and lo and behold, it’s his albatross.  Unlike Harry Reid, Mr. Smiley will get pissed up the nose for being Mormon.  It won’t because of his religion; it will be because he’s a jackass.  A reasonably skilled politician bereft of any intellectual acuity.  Way outmatched.  He’s got nothing but money.

Who do we have left?  Pawlenty?  He’ll become a bigger contender for sure because he’s more serious.  He doesn’t look at the whole thing like a beauty pageant like Palin and Trump and really all of them including Huckabee.  But he has no charisma or presence, so his chances are as good as Dennis Kucinich winning a wet t-shirt contest.  I loves me some Dennis but you see what I’m saying.

As of this writing, Huckabee and the world’s most successful race baiting blowhard Donald Trump, have thrown in the towel.  I don’t like Huckabee much because he’s so slimy-hypocritical religious but I fucking loathe The Donald because he’s so flamboyantly full of shit that I crave the opportunity to swing on him.

Trump’s flameout was vaingloriously breathtaking.  The smackdown that asswizard got at the correspondent’s dinner after the release of the long form and right before the bloodying of Osama to death absolutely means The Donald will do his very best to dwell in the margins for the rest of his days.  This dipshit is officially over.  He got his ass handed to him internationally.  He may just die a pauper.  He will be canceled by NBC sooner rather than later.  The difference between Trump and the reptile Newt is that Trump is fucking stupid.  Both have allowed hubris to eclipse wisdom for decades and both share the ability to blow hard absent any sense of decency much less humility.

“Prejudices are what fools use for reason.” -Voltaire

I love the Republicans and their fevered, screaming, regrettably adopted, red headed and yellow toothed step child we know as the Tea Party.  I fucking love them.  Their extreme and willful ignorance is forcing folks off the fence right and left.  Is there a pun here?  It is absolutely biting them in the ass and dividing them.  There was a band once called The Meat Puppets.  I think the Tea Party should endorse The Meat Puppets as their official band before checking out their lyrics.  It would be very Republican of them to endorse and ask questions later.  Official meat would be bologna or maybe spam and official puppets would be of the finger variety.  When I think Tea Party I think brainless puppets made of some processed meat product with lots of nutritionless filler.

And mustard.  I like mustard.

You want proof?  How about Rick the shameless prick Santorum recklessly clamoring to bolster the lie that Osama’s death is directly related to our shamelessly illegal and completely ineffective use of torture by stating that John McCain of all people doesn’t understand torture.  John McCain who spent five years as a POW and was tortured relentlessly.  Really Mr. Santorum?    McCain staffer Mark Salter wrote on facebook “….for pure blind stupidity nobody beats Santorum in the Senate, In my 20 years in the senate, I’ve never met a dumber member, which he reminded me of today”.  Still no apology.  Still, no attempt at a walkback.  Santorum is a dickhead of the first order.  He has no chance.  A man this dumb couldn’t hold a gig clerking at the 7-11.

See how the blind mice run?

The Ryan budget sprung a leak before it left the womb.  The whole medicare thing was jarringly stupid.  It’s an absolute non starter. What brain trust arrived at this political calculus of going after the most popular social (socialist) programs in this country?  After Dumbya went after social security so spectacularly unsuccessfully in ’04.  The euphemism “entitlements” is jackassery.  People pay into these programs and can and should expect a return.  These programs are coveted and revered because they are of a socialist model just like libraries and fire departments and ideally clean public places to take a crap if you have to.  They are about decency and dignity after working hard for a long time and paying taxes and paying in to social programs.  What is wrong with any of that?

The Ryan budget favors even more tax cuts for the rich and even more subsidies for the wealthiest corporations in human history.  It’s not what the Tea Party wants; they’re too fucking stupid to want anything other than symbols and bullshit ideology.  It is absolutely what the money behind the Tea Party lusts for, drooling and naked with pornographic avarice.

All these Republicans, moving in concert by voting for this legislative vivisection, march exasperatingly to a Waterloo of their own device.

More Proof?  Witness Gingrich’s three different positions on medicare in roughly the last week.  He supported single payer health care along side Hillary Clinton as recently as ’08, and I assume up until now.  Just recently he was critical of the Ryan budget and it’s provision for ending medicare with the ridiculously lame notion of absurdly low dollar vouchers for seniors to buy their own health care for not going far enough.  For not being radical enough.  And just two days ago he characterized the same plan as “right wing social engineering”.

I love that that the last position taken by the salamander is absolutely right.  He nailed it.  Gorgeous irony.  He’ll never be taken seriously again because of it.  Stick a white hot fork in his fat, lily white ass.  He told the truth and his buttocks will soon be jerky.  That should tell you everything you need to know about the contemporary Republican party.

All of this mendacious nonsense is a direct result of the Tea Party wing of the GOP.   None of them know whether to shit or go blind.  It’s my definition of good clean fun.  Soon they’ll be offering bridges and swampland for sale at astoundingly discounted rates.  Jackwagons in three pointed hats will line up.  They’ll dance in the streets in an en mass grand mal seizure.

As far as I’m concerned, it all pivots on the Bacon Sundae currently offered by Denney’s.  It’s a metaphor as much as an analogy.  Bacon and ice cream together sounds sublime to me.  I can’t wait to try it.  I keep bugging my girlfriend about it.  But I understand it can’t possibly do me any good beyond instant gratification.  Republicans are dumb.  All of them.  No concept of delayed gratification.

We can only hope Bachmann and Palin put on their running pants.  I mean, we ain’t seen nothing yet if either of these two dingbats start showing up in Iowa.

Ridiculous cartoons will become punchlines before the 2012 election.  The way it shakes out is gonna be more fun than watching dogs play poker or when they go after johns on Cops.  Check me before I wreck me.  The entire Republican party is in more trouble than they have ever been.  The temporary gains from 2010 will be recognized as harbingers of doom before the election even heats up.

I can’t help but wonder if our biggest fear should be the demise these buffoons are getting ready to hand us.  A one party system, because they are clowning their way into obsolescence.      

Anyway, the bottle has changed direction on it’s own and is rocking hips slower but further aside.

Drinks for my friends.

A many splendored thing

I use this forum for what pisses me off.  I imagine I’m justified in doing so because I know that Americans are consistently guilty of not paying enough attention to what’s really important.  We don’t pay enough attention to bacon for example.  And I rarely discuss love.  I don’t ignore it entirely but I do tend to forsake it here.

See, I’m like the rest of you I hope.  I rail against the world and it’s profound inequities, but I still love fiercely.  I am lucky to have the love of a good woman, family and friends.  They are all good and loving people and it’s their capacity for love that inspires me.  I love and adore my kitties.  My friends are the best I could possibly hope for.  My family is just sublime.  The woman in my life has the kindest eyes and the biggest heart I’ve ever seen.  They all inspire me to do better and to be better.

I’m not sure how I came to be so fortunate.  But I did.  I somehow managed to cultivate relationships with people I’d never met before who eventually came to love me and far more important, I came to love them.  I love my kitties by taking care of them, feeding them and rubbing them and kissing their gorgeous faces and heads.  And I talk to them.   I adore them.  People aren’t much different.  The ones I love I try to kiss their heads and rub on them as often as possible.  And I talk to them.  It’s kinda corny and rather basic I know but it’s how I do it.  They all seem to like it.  If my mother were here I’d kiss her face and rub her feet.  And we would talk.

I welcome the debate about what makes the world go round.  Love or money.  The answer is definitely money.  But the answer really should be love.  It’s a shame it’s not.  It’s what’s wrong with just about everything.  The chasm between the two is absolutely the source of our strife and trouble.  It is where we all fall down.

I’m not here to preach or pontificate some feel good message.  I’m telling you the truth.  The lack of compassion in the world, compassion being the beginning of love, is why we’re so deep in the messes we are.

Necessary logic of the heart neglected and pushed aside.

I can’t begin to describe how my heart fairly bursts when my mother asks me if I have enough clothes for my new job, or how my one cat hollers at me before I put my key in the lock of my shitty little apartment or how my woman rubs me to sleep when I’m balled up and stressed enough to the point where I feel I can’t get enough oxygen.

I do the best I can.  What more can you do on Mother’s day but tell your mom you love her and mean it?  I pick up that cat before I turn on some lights and right after I unlock the door.  I do the best I can to tell and show that woman I love her even though she can’t remember to fill the ice trays.  I think she’s a little crazy and forgets to do it on purpose because she indulges me in every other possible way.

I could be wrong about this, but she’s hot.

So anyway, it’s the deeper part of it.  It’s what competes with it.  What competes with humanity?  What competes with love?

The answer is just about everything.  And that’s the problem that doesn’t seem to have an answer.  There doesn’t seem to be a single answer for everything much less anything.

But there is.

Think about it.  Think hard.  Because there is an answer.

It’s what they meant forty or fifty years ago.  You know, the hippies.

Peace.  Love. Understanding.

Those I love so fiercely should be loved by everyone and I wish I could love everyone else half as fiercely.

Drinks for my friends.

Death of a salesman

“I’ve never wished a man dead but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.” -Mark twain

I understand Osama Bin Laden has been introduced to the dirt nap by forces commanded by Barack Hussein Obama.

No question about it, this is pretty big.

Here’s what I’m thinking at this hour.  Who the fuck cares?  It just doesn’t matter.  So it took a decade.  It depends where you are on the whole thing but regardless, who gives a mad fuck?  Yeah, he apparently masterminded  the deaths of over three thousand Americans ten years ago.  The FBI professed it didn’t have enough evidence to put the bastard on a most wanted list.  Dumbya admitted on live television that he didn’t give a mad fuck where he was.

The CIA retired the program that was tasked to pursue and bring him to justice five or six years ago.

Nobody screaming for his head since the last time I visited the 7-11 or the Palestinian consulate.

This is ridiculous.  Watch us earnestly pretend to care for at least a couple few 24 hour news cycles.  The coverage will be breathless and obtuse.  The self righteous will wax jingoistic and ashes to ashes, we’ll all fall down.  This doesn’t have anything to do with anything.  It has been beside the point since you first heard the name.  It simply has nothing at all to do with our current struggles and pales in comparison to the the enemy who would undermine us at every turn in a heartbeat.  That enemy is us.  The war on terror is a colossal joke.  A house of cards.  Really.  More of us die everyday as a result of deregulation and pet dander than because of terrorism.  I’m sick of this shit.

Yeah it sucked but we would have forgotten if not for being constantly reminded.

We lust so passionately for an adversary that isn’t one of us because deep down we understand that we are our own worst enemy.  We are our own worst enemy.  We are sick.  We visit more egregious and disgusting acts on ourselves than any man half a world away without a cell phone or internet access could ever aspire to.  We are the sand in the Vaseline more than any charismatic asshole in a turban could ever hope to be.

I’ve long held Osama Bin Laden to be not only a paper tiger, but a creature of our own device.

Still, I swear I can’t wait to see and hear how the right wing fucktards, in a hypocritical glucose frenzy clamor to take credit or vigorously attempt to disabuse the rest of us of the notion that this is a victory by and of this administration.  It is that at the very least.  Our man Obama has executed this matter with passion and abandon.  He rocked it and I am proud.  He promised and he flat packed the mail.  He delivered on a rather conspicuous promise.  Good for him.  Good for us.

Props to the troops that delivered in a big way.  He was an asshole after all.

But it doesn’t change “the war on terror”.  It doesn’t make our president a hero.  It doesn’t mean anything at all has changed because it was never was an issue to begin with.

You’ll see how it effects exactly nothing and hopefully understand that it never meant shit.  If Bin Laden’s death allows you a more pleasant slumber, then God bless you, you were an idiot to begin with.  It has nothing to do with anything and it never did.

America is not currently enjoying a terrorist threat.  America has never really been threatened legitimately by terrorists.  I’m not entirely sure what happened on that day day ten years ago, but I will tell you that we have been lied to to rather elaborately about it.  We were and are constantly subjected to recombinant rationale and excuse.  I don’t buy it.  It’s crap.  It’s fucked up and not true.  Osama Bin Laden is not now and has never been Captain Chaos.

He’s been a rather convenient distraction for years now.

Kinda like the TSA/airport rules that will never save a human life.

You want a nemesis?  It’s the plutocrats and oligarchs that pretend to defend you by sponsoring legislation that impugns Sharia law like it’s some existential threat to our freedom and way of life.  Like it’s serious business.  Piss up a rope you assholes, seriously.  Call me a cynic but I call bullshit on every last ounce of it.  We like to believe we’re at war with Islam, like that would be less dumb than being at war with Catholicism.  Give me a goddamn break.  It’s all so dangerously stupid and spectacularly beside the point.

I’m confident this dramatic turn is more placebo than panacea.  It’s a feel good movie of the week in the middle of an economic clusterfuck/tornado season/war on the middle class/American identity crisis.  American men are more legitimately concerned about the copious amounts of hair on their backs and the the lack thereof on their heads than they are the life and times of Osama Bin Laden and that actually makes sense to me.  Bin Laden is a symbol, barely a metaphor; he hasn’t mattered since his name was first invoked.  I don’t care and you shouldn’t either.  This ridiculous “war on terror” and what he represents in that “war” is one of the most elaborate punchlines without a joke I’ve ever heard.

So good for us.  Ding Dong the witch is dead.  I’m here to tell you that this will change nothing.  Things won’t get better or worse.  It won’t have anything to do with anything and the real danger facing us all won’t even blink, but it will smile.  It most probably will roll from one ass cheek to the other and fart like a gorilla in a zoo who’s so sick of looking at people like us, he stopped paying attention years ago.

So anyway, did you see the youtube clips from the White House Correspondent’s dinner?  Obama was silver fuselage cool and that Seth Meyers bit was pretty spot on.

Drinks for my friends.

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