A Cure For The Common Ammosexual

America has a withering obsession with torsos exploding at the end of a trigger.  Gun nuts.  Ammosexuals.  Racists,  anticipating a race war or dreaming of one.  Actual gun fetishists. I know a few.  Some covet paranoia so much they fantasize about a future war with a tyrannical government that they would lose in about two days.

Jade Helm anybody?

That there’s some derp of biblical proportions.

The malaise of shoot ’em up and Make My Day is uniquely American.

That shit runs deep in this country.

I understand that there are a lot of gun owners in America who are reasonable and responsible but fuck me if we don’t have a problem.

A few statistics for you:  A gun in the house means that you or a member of your family is twenty two times more likely to die at the end of a gun.  Among all instances when guns are fired during a break in or home invasion only two percent of the time does it result in the intruder being shot.

Guess who gets shot the other ninety eight percent of the time.

There are well over a quarter billion guns in America.  Each year over half a million are stolen, probably from white suburban homes.  The vast majority end up in inner cities.  They end up in the hands of desperate people living in poverty.  Guns in that environment are protein in the recipe for the carnage we’re always getting spewed with.

Hello Chicago.

The problem is one of overwhelming proliferation.

We’re all but inured to the never ending gun violence staining our screens with volume and velocity.

The NRA compels us to accept it as an inevitability.  Nothing can be done.  It’s futile.  The instant access afforded by modern media renders us powerless to escape.  We’ve been connived into it’s just too big of a problem.

Might as well entertain it.

Whatever system in place now is broken and failed with concerted promiscuity.

Guntards are really fucking loud and they are driving.

Maybe we are just plain weary. We were relieved enough by the distraction of the confederate flag imbroglio in South Carolina to resign to its near eclipse of the cold violence of equal gravity.  We can only pick one outrage most days.

For most of us, incentive has left the building.

Banning would be dumb.

We keep shoe bombers off every plane for fuck’s sake.  The incentive to take off our shoes before we board a flight is made of a collective will of people not wanting to die by sudden incineration at thirty thousand feet despite how silly the notion.

I have an idea.

The modern interpretation of the second amendment is flat wrong.  Gun ownership by individual citizens is not a right, it’s a privilege.  A “well regulated militia” in no way guarantees the right of individual ownership.  So, just like driving a car is a privilege as opposed to a right, every gun would be registered with a mandate to carry a license and liability insurance on each firearm owned. Licensing would include a thorough and comprehensive background check in symbiotic collusion with a national database.  Yes, a national data base, like we have for terrorists.  In addition, proof of license, registration and insurance must be available for every purchase of any ammunition.

It’s equitable, sane and rational.  A solution that only excludes whack jobs, the chronically irresponsible and the developmentally challenged.

There is the extra added benefit of leveraging the rampant avarice of the insurance companies against the vulgar greed of weapons manufacturers and lobbyists.

Fight fire with fire, or in this case money with money.

Put the insurance lobby and the gun lobby in a cage and guess who wins.

Ladies and Gentlemen we have incentive.

It wouldn’t solve the problem overnight and probably never by one hundred percent, but over time I predict it would be goddamn effective.

If guns don’t kill people they don’t save people.

We need to regulate people with guns.

Drinks for my friends.

24 Responses to “A Cure For The Common Ammosexual”

  • REIYA:

    Right or should I say Left spot on! I live in the tony suburb of Marin, CA. One of the nicest places is the Strawberry Tiburon section which is rolling Hills against the Richardson Bay S.F. Bay. We’ve had a shooting and several deaths here several times with in the past 20 months. Get this

    http://www.marinij.com/general-news/20150624/lawyer-mill-valley-fratricide-suspect-was-protecting-himself-mother

    You can know this man and his family are filled with deep sorrow and regret.

  • Cathy Rouse Page:

    Excellent suggestions. Pity that the NRA and gun manufacturer lobbyists will absolutely hate the idea. Until they might figure out how to invest in the gun insurance industry.

  • Let’s follow the NRA logic to a reasonable conclusion … their argument is that gun control laws would be useless because criminals won’t obey them is beyond stupid … people don’t obey traffic laws either, so should we do away with all traffic signs, lights, rights of way, etc???? Come on, people, get a fucking clue … thanks, Michael, wish you’d run for Prez … 🙂

    • Jimbob:

      The streets and signs and cars are not in the Constitution.
      The Constitution is the law of the land, Thank God we have it or we would be dead and gone by now. May be now anyway as we have thrown it out the window and started living and running our country just exactly as our fore fathers warned us in many documents not to do as it is a sure fire way to descend into Tyranny. I think we have. The warning was strong and often regarding mob rule “Democracy!” Democracy destroys all civilizations that try it. So far 100% of the time over hundreds of years.
      My point is the 2nd amendment is thank God there or Obama or long before him would have gotten them all and would have destroyed us. Democrats yell get rid of the guns while openly stating on national TV QUOTE: “We agree with Chairman Mao that the power of politics comes from the barrel of a gun!” The 2nd amendment says it is our God given right to be able to defend ourselves, children, homes, neighbors from a tyrannical government so citizens rights will not be infringed. The reason is to be able to form a citizen militia very rapidly to defend ourselves from a government gone crazy. Are seeing crazy yet?
      I am not a gun nut. I don’t go shooting every week end nor do I sit around cleaning and recleaning and fondling that piece of metal like it’s an apendage of my body.
      I have however carried a concealed weapon since I was seventeen years old. I have never told anyone I carry one to brag about it. I have several time said yes to a policeman when stopped when asked if I have a gun. Now that my constitutional rights have been violated by the state demanding I get a license from them, I have one. I object strongly but I have one. I have had a very strenuous back ground check from local law to the FBI.
      In the years I have not fired a shot at onyone in this county. Vietnam, well that was something else. Open carry I’m for it being legal but I’ll neve ever do it. I don’t want to be at the local stop and what ever checking out when someone comes from the back of the store sees my gun and intending from the beginning to leave no witnesses have him/her put one in my ear to start the show. So I will always carry concealed whether the corrupt government likes it or not Self defense is a God given right and no defense against a gun exists.
      For you who spit out the false statistics. The gun is not the weapon that is used most often. Get over your stupidity and leave us law abiding citizens alone. You may just one day owe your freedom to us or your life to one of us who stood our gound in some crazy gone wrong situation.

      • Michael Douglass:

        The statistics are well researched and absolutely accurate and I’m not addressing law abiding citizens here. Try harder dude.

        • Cate Duke:

          Michael Douglass –

          If you are going to cite statistics, and claim they are “well researched and absolutely accurate,” then cite your sources. Without accurately citing your sources your comments lack legitimacy. As to your idea that each gun owner carry insurance, I’d like to know who you think would be willing to issue an insurance policy? Good luck with that.

          • Michael Douglass:

            I’m not writing term papers here Cate. As to who would issues policies? EVERY insurance company in America would find a way to make it profitable. Trust me, that’s what they do. Why don’t you actually try to find fault with what I propose instead of this intellectually lazy approach of pissing all over it? Try Harder.

        • La Javelina:

          I enjoy guns & shooting; I worked for a highly-respected arms manufacturer, and initiated their staff target-training program at our on-site shooting range. Nonetheless I have never chosen to be a gun owner. Had I owned a gun as my now-ex husband wished, I and my children would be quite dead now. Instead, in his frustration he turned a hunting knife on himself, intended, the police said, for me and the kids (his timing was off for the entire murder-suicide plan). In addition to that, the severe depression I experienced off and on throughout that marriage might have led me to take a gun in my hands, too–against myself. Suicide rates (completed, not just attempted) are highest in the states with high gun-ownership, primarily in the American West; guns don’t usually allow for second chances. That is why I choose to keep guns where they belong, at the shooting range nearby, where I can practice my skills under the watchful eye of people I do not want to harm or shock with untoward behavior. With a degree in Public Health I am keenly aware of the miserable statistics around gun ownership, depressed people, angry people, klutzes, and kids. Americans no longer respect the lethal nature of guns and treat them like ordinary household objects. Then again, a childhood friend of mine killed herself by drinking Drano.

      • Steve:

        You sir, are absolutely correct in what you say!! I applaud you for saying it. These idiot libs would rather have the government tell them that it’s for their own good, that the government has a gun to their head while on their knees, and take the bullet. They wouldn’t know how to fight for their own rights, unless of course, they were trans-whatever and you told them you didn’t like it. Then they would call the media and tell everyone what you didn’t do for them and ruin your business. Sad days are upon us. And this guy sounds just like the one who has ptsd from shooting an AR15!! Such a whining little baby!!

      • DLONG:

        It is ridiculous to think you can fight our government with your home protection. Try again.
        FACT you make everyone around you less safe with your weapon. Everyone. Your are not anyone’s savior. Please, do us all a favor and get a hobby.

  • Michael, as you know there are so many truths and facts both global and logical to dispel and destroy whatever myths and lies the NRA claims and numerous ways and definitions to discredit, dissect and destroy the 2nd amendment as caricatured in 2015 by amerikkkan standards and the one as written with the imperative and needed intent in 1791 …

  • G.a. Underwood:

    You’ve gone and nailed it! Your suggestions are spot on – the realistic expectations of a society whose majority was regurgitating gun nuts well before the December 2012 slaughter at Sandy Hook.

    I’d take your suggestions a couple of steps further, personally, and require the use of trigger guards or locked storage anytime the weapon’s not in use (e.g., at a range, while hunting in the woods). Since gun nuts have proven themselves incapable of keeping loaded weapons out of children’s hands, the government must. (Where the hell are the so-called “pro-lifers” when they’re actually needed?) Let’s ban assault rifles, too. Any “hunter” who requires an assault rifle to take down his target is a crappy enough shot (s)he shouldn’t have access to any weapon. And let’s incorporate a basic vision test as part of the licensing.

    Lastly, let’s build within that federal database a usefulness at both the time of purchases and termination of rights. Evolving U.S. demographics indicate an aging majority. Vision disorders and diseases are currently expected to double by 2030 – particularly macular degeneration and glaucoma, both of which are presently irreversible. When an ophthalmologist determines that a patient’s vision has deteriorated to a specific point, let’s create a way for the doctor to notify authorities to check the gun licensing database for the immediate revocation of that license. Should medical science ever develop effective reversal procedures, the hopeful licensee could retake the tests.

    Some gun nuts seem to suffer paranoid delusions or other mental disorders, loudly and with strong emotion. I admit to not understanding why they’ve bound their self-worth to something they purchased, items widely available and not terribly valuable. But their reactions grow exponentially to articles like this one, and I hope that none spew their fury toward you. (Note: While I have faith that you could dispatch any of them, it’s just the annoyance of all the repetition of fact and reason that’s aggravating and unproductive.)

    And by the way, your “Whatever system in place now is broken and failed with concerted promiscuity.” That’s right “on target”. I fear that, until we eliminate Congress’s perpetual gratitude, ‘indebtedness’ to and fear of the NRA, there won’t be enough legislators with the courage to represent human beings. Congress has no incentive to fix themselves.

    Thanks for another awesome read!

  • Peggy:

    “We need to regulate people with guns.” Never thought of it that way. Right on!

  • Whimsy Wise:

    In total agreement and have been saying since Newtown that guns need to be treated like autos, registered, licensed, and insured and you have to pass a test to get that license. I am not anti-gun, indeed, my husband has several. They are used for rare hunting trips and occasional target practice. When not in use, however, they are kept unloaded and locked in a gun safe. This means that if an intruder broke into the house my husband would need to go to the cellar, retrieve the key to the gun safe, unlock it, select a firearm, find the correct ammo, load it, and then he would be able to confront the intruder. Think somebody breaking into the house has that much patience? Yeah, I don’t either.

  • You think that private war would be over in two days?

    I give it thirty minutes.

    You’re more of an optimist than you let on.

  • Pamela Veselinovic:

    A close friend of mine was murdered a few weeks ago by her ex-husband. He ambushed her in a hospital parking lot, shot her dead then himself. They both loved guns. Big time rednecks. 3 kids now without parents. Everybody mourns but nobody questions his right to have a gun. I don’t see any big changes ahead.

  • Absolutely agree with you, my friend! I’m sick of these paranoid, delusional conspiracy-theorist, often racist ding dings screaming the “gumn’t is gonna take our guns”, when in fact I am concerned with this type of schizophrenic appetite for destruction and violence, whether or not these folks are even fit to own a butter knife, much less an automatic anything.

    We definitely need training, licensure, insurance, and stringent background checks to include digital footprint checks. Period. As well, no type of firearm should be allowed to be sold at shows or online. And if switching guns, with licensure, private buyers still have undergo background checks in order to purchase from a private seller. And NO, you cannot use your weapons permit to vote! Just sayin’

    As always, you make the most sense during critical times. 🙂

  • Frances Lawren:

    An excellent, rational approach to a horrible, unacceptable level of gun violence in our country! Thank you for this.

  • The plutocracy seeks to separate us. The gun debate is one of those tools. The loudest media narratives, that of the NRA and those who want total bans, tend to accuse anyone not aligned with their extremist position to be a member of the opposite faction…and in doing so, stifle sane discourse on the subject.

    Understand that the plutocracy doesn’t give a shit one way or the other about guns. The just need to keep us distracted by unending disagreements with each other, lest we turn our attention to them.

  • I Have an IDEA ~

    I am a retired $1,000 a day Hairstylist

    My cutting shears cost $400 to $500 a pair
    (they are sharp & VERY Strong)

    I always keep a pair on me

    As a person with depression/mania mental illness (bi-polar) it would NEVER own a gun

    I would be dead right now if I owned one (tmi)
    2 times since March & June
    I would have commited suicide cuz my medical team were screwing with my meds

    So ~ when I go out to questionable areas to hear my client’s play local music ~ I carry my $500 shears at my side opened by 1/4
    (I could seriously “gut” any ‘one’ who tried to attack me)

    This is MY answer to the safety issue of carring a gun
    (I would end up shooting myself in the butt if I had one) ~

    gina
    Cherokee Warrior Queen & Mother earth Spirit

    P. S. Go to your local ‘high end’ stylist & have them order you a pair through their supplier OR ask “them” for their old pairs (of which we ALL have several) gina

  • Cathy Rouse Page:

    A great read..,this is my second time.

    While reading, it occurred to me the gun supporters are really saying that your excellent ideas are hopeless and useless, because gun deaths, the gun industry are too big to deal with. Similar to the banks too big too fail.

    That we, who are heartbroken by gun deaths, police aggression(because of so fucking many guns) might as well just shut up and take this reality just like when the banking industry to us to the cleaners.

  • mike:

    I’m going to call bullshit on the 98% of the time the lawful homeowner wielding a gun being shot. There is 13 homes I’m aware of in my neighborhood that are armed and not a single robbery or break in in any house in the neighborhood. Hell last Christmas my damn near blind grandfather fired a couple pistols with me my brother mother step dad and 5 year old niece and not a single person was injured. 9 times out of 10 if an armed lawful citizen is in an area a robbery is thwarted. Liberal bullshit media says lawful owners are the issue. Bullshit. Liberals are the issue. Faggot liberals wanted nothing to do with the revolutionary war, and in fact sided with the British soldiers and gave them food, water, shelter, american militia locations, as well as snitch on those against British rule. Our first president said even though liberals wanted nothing to do with the land or war we fought they had a place here. The intelligence behind it back then was that liberal idiots would fall in line and see the reality of it all. The reality of it all is liberals are still cock smoking retards that believe there is nothing but peace everywhere. Intelligence says if you remove the known firearms from the country criminals including our police and government will be the only people armed. Intelligence says when criminals, cops , and government are all that has weapons, every lawful citizen is a target. Look at the major cities with crazy amounts of gun control. Cops hear shooting over the radio and it takes an hour to get to the location. States with less gun control have less shootings. The reason behind it is if a criminal knows he’s going to be met with a gun if he pulls one out he’s bound to run off like a scared liberal bitch the minute he sees it pointed in his direction, but if he knows there’s nobody willing or able to shoot him back he’s got the makings for a mass shooting. GUNS DONT KILL PEOPLE. CRAZY ASSHOLES WITH GUNS DO. My guns have killed all sorts of animals as well as a few hundred targets, but not one of the 15 guns in my house has ever been used to scare, intimidate, injure or kill anyone. SO FUCK ALL YOU LIBERAL JACKASSES LOOKING FOR MORE GUN CONTROL. YOU’RE THE PROBLEM WITH OUR COUNTRY AND IF YOU’RE TOO PUSSY TO ARM YOURSELF THERES A PLACE WHERE DRAFT DODGERS AND OTHER PUSSIES ENDED UP. ITS CALLED CANADA EY. THE LAND WHERE IF YOUR A PUSSY OR GUN CONTROL NUT YOU’RE FREE TO LIVE. PLEASE TAKE YOUR LAME ASS THERE AND LEAVE US REAL AMERICANS WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT EVERYONE HAS THE ABILITY TO BE A THREAT TO EVERYONE ELSE ALONE. HUMAN NATURE IS ANIMAL NATURE AND IN FACT PART OF ANIMAL NATURE IS TO HUNT AND KILL. HUMANS HAVE FREE WILL GIVING US THE ABILITY TO KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG. AGAIN GUNS DONT KILL PEOPLE. PYSCHOPATHS WITH GUNS DO. IN FACT LETS START SHOWING THE STORIES WHERE AN ARMED MAN TRIED ROBBING A STORE BUT ANOTHER ARMED MAN GOT THE JUMP ON HIM AND HELPED APPREHEND HIM. OR HOW ABOUT MORE LIKE THE 13 YEAR OLD THAT HEARD PEOPLE BREAKING IN HIS HOUSE AND HE GOT INTO THE PISTOL SAFE AND STOPPED THE HOME INVASION WHILE IN A FIRE FIGHT AND KILLED ONE OF THE INTRUDERS. Read the 2nd amendment. It’s wording isn’t how we speak now but it states: a militia is needed to keep our country a free state, and it is the american citizens rights to keep and bear arms in order to keep the militia and government from getting too big or out of control. Our founding fathers worded it differently but that’s what it means. And it doesn’t pertain to muskets as some liberal morons would like to believe. In fact if our military, police or government is allowed to make, use, or buy a firearm of any sort civilians are allowed the same weapons as it gives a fair advantage IF/WHEN we need to take up arms against our government. Open your eyes people. We are on the verge of another civil war or revolutionary war. Our first revolutionary war was to stop taxation. That was upheld until 1913 when corporate bigwigs got into the pockets of the government due to the taxes they had to pay to keep up maintenance for roads for their goods to make it to warehouses and stores. Welfare was supposed to be done away with til a presidential candidate used it as a way to get votes. Guess what kind of president we had that passed all that. LIBERAL FUCKTARDS. Now we got OFAGGOT. I mean Obama trying to become supreme ruler of the US by causing martial law before the next election as he knows we will have TRUMP2016 and the liberal agenda will be destroyed and this country will be returned to how great it once was. FUCK ALL YOU LIBERAL REJECTS. CANADA AWAITS THE PUSSIES OF OUR COUNTRY IN TRADE FOR THEIR TOUGHEST CITIZENS. AND IF YOU NEED HELP PACKING TO REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THIS GREAT COUNTEY ILL BE MORE THAN WILLING TO HELP YOU PACK UP AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

  • Mike Saraceno:

    I’m a gun owner. I own a rifle, 2 pistols, and a shotgun. I would have no problem being required to have a license, have insurance, register my firearms, or being in a national data base. Put it on a ballot, I’ll vote for it. My only question is this; how does any of that prevent a person from using said firearms to commit an evil act? I can take my licensed, insured, and registered SUV and ram it into a crowd. My point is…having the licensing, insurance, and registration is good but once someone snaps, NONE of that matters. We really need to look at the root causes of mental illness. Not only natural mental illness, but self induced mental illness. SSRI’s are given out by doctors like candy on Halloween. Should it be hard to get a gun? Yep. It should be just as hard to get mind altering re-uptake inhibitors. There is a bigger issue here than guns.

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