Have you told anyone you’d marry them?
I have fond memories of the Easy Bake Oven.

Would you rather live in Alaska, or Texas?
Prison.

Did you mean it when you said “i love you” last?
What I meant was that I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.

Your most recent ex REALLY needed you at 3am and you had a way to his/her house would you go?
As long as there was a Taco Bell on the way and I could get like four orders of Pintos N’ Cheese and a grip o’ hot sauce.

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in the face?
Even if I like you, I fantisize about busting you in the mouth, I can’t help it.

Do you have a friend you can tell stuff to and your sure they wont tell?
Children of the 70’s will remember Bugles. A corn chip shaped like a funnel, well now their available with caramel. Sweet AND salty. A real game changer.

What is wrong with you right now?
I can’t stand anybody or anything. I like coleslaw but I’m picky.

Do you plan on kissing the last person you kissed again?
That would be my cat Beddy. She tells excellent jokes about latin homosexuals, so yes.

Do you crack your knuckles?
What I do is boil bowtie pasta in salty water with olive oil, strain it, sprinkle fresh Parmigiano Reggiano and then add the sauce. Maybe some pinenuts sauteed in butter. I pour some decent cab franc.

Would you go in public looking like you do right now?
I’m always at my best. Right now I’m dead sexy. I don’t need much support, I’m barely a B-cup.

Would you kiss someone to make your bf/gf mad?
Or to make her happy.

Can you handle the truth?
Handle it? I spew it. I covet it. I seek it. Bitch.

Did you like anyone last summer?
I loathed everyone I came across.

Do you believe exes can really ever be “just friends”?
I am the poster child. Seriously.

Ever kissed a blonde haired,blue eyed person?
Yep, she was hotter than Georgia asphalt. There were others but she was so round and ripe. Her name was Charlotte. I called her Charlotte the Harlot.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months?
Bob Dole.

What did you have for breakfast this morning?
A chicken salad melt on sourdough with cheddar and tomato.

Are you too shy to tell people when you’re developing feelings for them?
I either tell people the truth or what they need to hear, depending on the nature of my relationship with them. Often the truth and what they need to know are the same thing. Hardly ever mutually exclusive. I am however, a salesman.

Do you read horocopes?
What I do is sit on the toilet and blow my nose. Depending on the volume, I then fold it and use it for my first swipe. I’m a conservationist you know. Somewhere in there I may read my horoscope from the latest Hooker Paper. The Hooker Paper is free and right there on the sidewalk in front of the 7-11. America rocks.

Do you tell your mom everything?
Pretty much. She needs to know the truth about me to understand and advise me. She’s in her early seventies and only says “fuck” when she’s talking about Republicans.

Are you enemies with a former friend?
Nope. Former friends do understand they make me sad. The ones that make the saddest I probably won’t speak to again.

Have you ever done something dumb?
Bitches can’t stop staring at me.

Have you ever had the cops called on you?
Yep, by other cops. The Reno cops couldn’t catch us, so they called the Carson cops and they waited for us at the bottom of the hill.

Who was the last person you yelle?d at?
The clerk at the 7-11 until he pointed out the Funyuns.

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Sarah Palin.

Have you told anybody you loved them today?
Joe Walsh. The chicken melt.

Think of the last person you held hands with, do they mean something to you?
Now I’m annoyed.

What color shirt were you wearing when you last kissed someone?
Dishwater blond. It was made of hair.

Do you remember your kindergarten teachers name?
Mrs. Jenny. First grade Shaw, second grade Springmeyer, third Bobay…….

Would you rather go to a party or go out of town?
A bash in Egypt.

If you could get back in touch with anyone,who would it be?
Jimhead, Daisy, Charlotte?

When was the last time you talked to the last person you kissed?
What possible relevance can this question……….

Whats on your room floor?
My room floor? The floor of my room.

What did you wake up to this morning?
The need to eliminate waste.

Describe your current shirt
Nope. Wait.
It’s more like a blouse. Mariachi kinda. Red. The ruffles look like roses. You should see my pants. My shoes. My hat.

Who were the last people you ate with?
Who eats with people?

When was the last time you felt guilt about something?
Five, maybe ten minutes ago.

When you have kids would you want a boy or a girl first?
Kittens. A basket of them.

What are you doing right now?
Researching Kevin Bacon. Bowling with frozen turkeys. Designing tents.

Are you alone?
We are always alone.

Are you still besties with the same people you were besties with a year ago?
Besties? What am I, twelve?

Have you ever had your heart broken?
I’m going to rub my dick in mustard.

Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
I’m letting my hair grow.

Talk to any of your exes?
Ever count the number of peas pictured on a can of corn?

If you could go back in time and change things,would you?
I would sterilize mouth breathing Republicans in the fifties and sixties.

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Nope.

Do you want to get married?
Nope.

Drinks for my friends.

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