What I don’t understand would fill volumes. Shelves. Fucking municipal libraries.

There are days when everything I encounter confuses me. On those days, at the ends of those days, I am nearly mad.

Then there are days, when I have the entire universe by the tail. Far and few and once again, lots of real estate between them.

I’m not about to bitch. I’ve been up, I’ve been down.

I can’t stand it. The space between.

I’m thinking about faking my own death. For the money. Gotta figure out how to make money on it first. Ha!

I saw someone today I’ve known for nearly two decades. I can’t describe it. Studied, well thought out attire. A disaster though. Not a good look. As I approached this person, to do the hug and hello, I was doing the mental ‘what the fuck’. I’m no fashion maven, but it was a trainwreck in technicolor. Tragic.

Anyway, did ya see where Dick Cheney slipped and fell into a transexual today? It’s all over the news. Afterwards he tried to beat her. Thank the powers that be for the Secret Service. Google it. Dumbya choked out again on the couch. Fell on the floor. Pissed himself. This time it was a hot dog. They say there was a half empty bottle of cheap whiskey in the room.

Serious journalists everywhere wondered if the bottle wasn’t actually half full.

Also today, Condi Rice was photographed in the midst of a tryst with her oral hygienist. No word on the hygienist’s gender. Reports are conflicting, she appears to be a very submissive but masculine female with an excellent record of dentistry. An aspiring oral surgeon with an emphasis on cosmetic procedure. Hobbies are weight training and curling. Boxing and cello.

Scooter Libby, although not facing prison time, was ass raped recently by a gargantuan Samoan. No word on gender. The stock market rebounded and a nice cake was served at Gitmo. Minorities across the country were lighthearted.

A similiar fate met Roberto Gonzales today. All accounts appear to indicate Rudolph Guiliani as the masculine part of the duo and it seems this conjoinment is at least somewhat consensual. Apparently, Gertie was willing. Eager. I’m guessing he’s not down with long and uncut.

It’s all true. Really. Mimes are hanging out with rodeo clowns. Middle class Republicans are beginning to realize they’re gay. It’s all leading up to something. Soon there will be log cabin villages where there was once forests. Plants are about to be burned as fuel like you can’t believe.

I can’t remember the last time I owned a toaster. Did you know most folks don’t like mushrooms? I didn’t either. I just made that up. Nobody likes colostomy bags though. Nobody.

Are there ghosts? Of course. Are you alive? Yes? Then there are ghosts. Simple. A walk in the park. Lemonade and hot dogs. Dew on the grass. Sun in the trees. Somewhere a fire. Rain on asphalt. Ghosts.

You want God? Way harder. Far more complicated. Disgusting. Might just be ridiculous. Seriously, who wants to know? Trust me, it’s beyond us. That’s the point. Don’t be stupid.

Humans are so profoundly flawed. So weak and helpless as we grow, forge relationships and figure out who we are. Only the very best among us achieve anything resembling notoriety. Fame and infamy are as often as not, hurricanes or tornados. Hot and cold collide, people drown or get blown away. Survive that and you’re Howie Mandel, Jewish Canadian.

Gotta get that pumpkin soup recipe from my sister.

Lately, the weather in Southern California has been such that I only require a flannel sheet for a gentle goodnight. I’m an active sleeper. Just ask the women. I get most of my exercise while unconscious. Inevitably, slumber is interrupted by a chill as I’ve twisted my sheet around one leg into a giant DNA strand that makes me dream of pythons and asphyxiation.

Logic dictates I find two corners and kick until covered anew. Odd visits the middle of the night however. Upon extinguishing the last light, my sheet ceases to be a rectangle and morphs into a triangle, thereby making it impossible when grasping two corners to cover my feet. What devilry could cause my flannel shelter to transform from parallelogram to delta?

I’m insane or the world is.

Yeah, I know it’s both.

I can’t find my pillowcases. My rate of sock loss, considering that I have washer and dryer in unit, is absurd. Somewhere there is a giant beach ball sized wig of linens in my apartment. All balled up and tangled. Ever hear about those huge tumors inside people that have hair and teeth? I can’t find the beach ball sized wig growth because it can move on it’s own.

Sheezus.

I’m of the opinion that mayonnaise is one of life’s essential lubricants.

Betcha thought I was gonna write about Dumbya’s speech. I listened to it. Otherwise, I can’t be bothered to give any less of a mad fuck. Good riddance you inept, clueless arrogant prick. You had no business running my country. I knew it long before the Supreme Court handed it to you. I’m still so frustrated so many others couldn’t or refused to see it. If I could leave you with one last thought, I’d have to tell you, you really sucked and I wish you had the capacity for shame and disgrace.

Hey. What’s the difference between Sara Palin’s mouth and her vagina?

Wait for it……………..

Only one retarded thing has come out of her vagina.

Drinks for my friends.