I just watched a half an hour of wrestling.  I have no idea why.  It was the stupidest and most gratuitous thing I’ve ever seen.  I’m seriously confused.  What blows up the skirt here?  Why do people watch and follow such obvious chicanery?  It really is spectacularly dumb.

I need to remember that fully one quarter of America is stupid and there’s nothing to be done about it.

Miles helped me with that tonight.

My personal contrast is that I’d just spent an evening at the Nebeker’s.  You know, right before the wrestling on TV.

I spent Christmas with the Nebekers.  Bright, lively and hysterically goddamn funny brothers, Tom, Jeff and Meris the Matriarch who treats me like a son.  Jo might be the only adult that lost track of the conversation when she went forth with zeal towards the mess.  It was the absolute best conversation I’d had in a long time.  Come to think of it, the last best one was with the Nebeker, Sean.  He of best friendsmanship, honor and humor.

It was a Goddamn delight.

Miles was the “Vodka Whiperer” and after a not so brief cell phone conversation he told me, because I was stupid enough to ask, that it was a wrong number.  I brought a bottle of gin, diet tonic, a bottle of wine Chris and LZ left last night, A half tin of cookies my cousin Rod gave me, two cans of V8 because I wanted to make red beers and I knew Meris had capers and worcestershire and she would never be without lemon.  Miles called it an Irish lunch pail.  You can’t ask for more than sitting around the kitchen table in the house of Meris.  Worlds collide with humor and grace.

I really want to tell you the story of Miles going from looking like Michael Bolton, To Kelsey Grammer to Benjamin Franklin.  But I can’t.  I mean because I can’t.

Several people let slip the word “fuck” in the presence of Meris in one iteration or another and I’d like to remember I wasn’t one of them.  Jo’s potatoes rocked with creaminess and a rich swarthiness of flavor.  We had ham, tamales, a mixed green salad with walnuts and apples and croissants.  Everything rocked.  I was sent home with two foil covered plates that I’m pretty excited about.  Sean fixed my plate tonight and Meris made two for me tomorrow.

I can’t remember now if I asked for rum cake or pumpkin pie.  I bet I asked for pie.

Oh and then Chris and LZ last night on the eve of the Xmas.  Both brilliant funny and engaging.  I was so happy when they rang the bell.  I knew exactly who it was.  They stayed for a good long while and it made my reality.  Chris brought a sketchbook, he always does, but he left it behind.  I’ve already flipped through it twice and laughed out loud.  Wondering how long I’ll get to hang on to it.  I bet tomorrow it’ll be back in his hands.  I really want to see Zeke.  I can’t help but be so flaming curious about this boy Ezekiel raised by these two smart, sane and creative souls.

Then I got this excellent call from Faris, King Larel his own self.  We talk about everything, Lew and I.  I think about the Sue of Lew & Sue.  And the lovely young girl they would not sell to me.

I’m learning an important lesson here.

Spent an evening with cousin Rod the other night.  Rod is my favorite sonafabitch.  He’s surly and defiant but if likes you he likes you, and if he loves you he loves you.  We seem to understand each other.  Ten minutes in he told me my breath stank and got me some gum.  He’d already gotten me a beer and Tanqueray on ice.  I came home with cookies and goodies.  His woman is adorable, we played air guitar together.

Tuna salad must have texture.  Olives and onions at least.  Red, white or yellow onion.  Fresh garlic if you can find elephant garlic or similar, not too pungent or hot.  Try pickled garlic.  Relish is a cop out.  Chop some Vlasics and use good mustard.  Serve on a neutral cracker.  Your mayo is the other major component.  I’ve even fried and blackened the tuna, but tuna salad needs mayo.  East of the Mississippi it’s Hellman’s.  This side it’s Best Foods.

That’s a done deal.

Don’t even think about Miracle Whip.

Miracle Whip is for a bologna sandwich on white bread with store brand bbq chips for texture.  I have no problem with that but it’s not what we’re doing here.

There’s other things to talk about.  Get some fresh dill.  Dill can be subtle, so don’t be shy with it.  Lemon is good and so is lemon pepper.  Some caution if you’re doing both.  Do it right and you won’t need salt.  Everybody thinks canned tuna needs salt.  Nobody is right.  Use capers if you must.

You should never make the exact same tuna salad twice.

There’s all kinds of appropriate variables, paprika, peperoncinis, green onions……..there’s ginger and mint and Vick’s Vaporub.  Mercury and lead or clams and crawfish.  Even if you’re among the stupid 25%, never make the same tuna salad twice, explore yourself by trying different things.

Expose yourself to different things.  Try drinking straight vodka while listening to disco while making your tuna salad.  Think about that.  That sounds like a good idea except the taste in your mouth when you wake up.  Still sounds like a good idea.  I’ll have to insist on different music.  I wouldn’t mind hearing the theme from SWAT……..but we’ll need some metal and some blues.

Pepsodent?

Drinks for my friends.

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