I don’t care what anyone says. The music of the seventies was easily as rich and inventive and innovative as the music of the sixties.  The eighties didn’t suck by any means.

I don’t practice much in the way of brand loyalty but there is no substitute for Best Foods/Hellman’s Mayonnaise, Bob’s Big Boy Bleu Cheese Dressing or Jif Extra Crunchy Peanut Butter.

The problem with children is they eat a lot, they can’t drive, they have no money and they are always around.

It doesn’t matter whether you win or lose. What matters is how good you looked.

The two most attractive things about a woman are confidence and intelligence. A foreign accent doesn’t hurt.

If there is such a thing as a soul, animals have them too.  Having said that, there isn’t much that puts me in the red faster than animal abuse.

If only people would take their politics as seriously as their sports, America would be a much better place.

A vacation is a drink in your hand,a nice view and the means to afford a really good meal.

If I could choose a superpower, it would probably be invisibility. I could get away with all kinds of shit.

I like living in Los Angeles but it doesn’t have shit on New York or even San Francisco.  It’s too bad that there isn’t a Waffle House in any of them.

Wearing sunglasses indoors or at night is an egregious character flaw. I won’t even fucking talk to you.

One of the biggest mistakes you can make in life is taking yourself too seriously. I’m still trying to learn that.

If “to go” cups were bottom heavy instead of top heavy, cars wouldn’t need cup holders.

When I was a kid, sixteen or seventeen, in Carson City Nevada, there were three or four brothels just over the county line at the end of a cul-de -sac.  Me and my buddies would visit them on a Friday or Saturday night.  We didn’t have any money but they didn’t know that.  They would buzz us in, we’d sit on couches and the hookers would do a lineup and introduce themselves with ridiculous names.  We’d politely decline to make a decision and the madame would offer us a cocktail.  The implication was that we wanted to see what other women were available who were busy at the time of our arrival.  After a time, a few free drinks and some light conversation and flirtation with the working girls, the madame would figure out we didn’t have any money and ask us to leave.  It was all very amicable.  We would thank her and depart politely.  She would buzz us out. Then we would walk to the next one to ring the buzzer.

A booze mop should always consist of eggs, some iteration of greasy fried potatoes and sauce ranging from ketchup to Tobasco or Siracha.

The phrase “Happy Holidays” is just fine.  Get over yourself if you think otherwise asshole.

I like big boobs and can’t fathom why I should be impugned for it.

Never had a Bigwheel. That’s my problem. The television commercials were amazing. They kept coming out with new models.  There ended up being a super cool green one. You could go pretty fast on one of those machines and slide across some serious amount of driveway with the genius braking mechanisms. I was at least twelve and riding bicycles by then.

Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen.

Also, tomatoes don’t taste like they used to.  They are fire engine red but over the last decade or two, supermarket tomatoes have become flavorless and have a texture like sand in a flavorless pudding.  I remember when my mother would slice one in the kitchen and I could smell it in the living room.  That only happens these days if I buy heirlooms from a farmer’s market in the fall.

I think I want to live in the forties.  No smart phones, no internet and flavorful produce.  Really great radio programs. And I could wear a fedora without looking like a hipster or a lesbian.

The internet is a comedy to those who think and a tragedy to those who feel.

Green Day was playing in the supermarket tonight.  I’m bothered by this because Green Day is apparently innocuous enough to enhance my grocery shopping experience.  I can’t stand the idea of it.  As I write this, seniors in senior living facilities are enjoying the music of Led Zeppelin and Deep Purple.

What if I end up with with varicose veins?

What then?

Drinks for my friends.

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