Archive for the ‘Sean Penn’ Category

Bill O’Reilly, who’s likeness appears along side the definitions of both ‘hypocrite’ and ‘blowhard’ in the most reputable dictionaries, said in an interview today that he boycotts any film in which Sean Penn appears because of his political views. In the words of Snoop Dogg, “Fuck Bill O’Reilly”. And, “He’s a motherfuckin’ prick”. And, “Suck my dick”. And, “so I can kick his motherfuckin ass when the show is over with”.

I don’t really have anything to add here.

In other news, I thought it was pretty cool to hear that the CEO of GM, Rick Wagoner, was walking away at the behest of the Obama administration. That is, until I read the greedy bastard could tip the fuck out the door with as much as $20 million. Excuse me, there seems to be some sort of canker on my penis. Does this look infected to you? It’s like deja vu all over again.

Also, thirty thousand pythons as long as twenty feet are threatening to go forth, multiply and overrun Florida and there’s a million pounds of pistachios out there that will kill you in your bed.

The world is an increasingly perilous place and I’m almost out of pot again. It’s legal here in California as long as one suffers from a serious and/or chronic malaise like ingrown toenail, sebaceous cysts on one’s genitalia or say, brewer’s droop from drinking beer.

A prescription costs between a hundred and a hundred fifty bucks. My fridge is broke.

I watched a comic tonight on Comedy Central. Josh Blue. Self deprecating, brave, honest and very funny. He suffers from cerebral palsy. Walk a mile in another man’s shoes but never forget about the man with no feet.

I’m an agnostic. My position has more to do with the abject silliness of just about every organized religion on the planet, as opposed to some sort of soaring epiphany. Honestly, I owe my stake more to the vacuum of logic that exists in every dogma fomented by people of faith on up to, but not exclusively, the goddamn Pope.

For example:
YAOUNDE, Cameroon (March 17) – Pope Benedict XVI said condoms are not the answer to the AIDS epidemic in Africa and can make the problem worse, setting off criticism Tuesday as he began a weeklong trip to the continent where some 22 million people are living with HIV. -AOL news

Don’t lose sight of the fact they boink all the little boys and girls they want.

Good luck with that crap you pointy hatted pontiff. I’m not sorry to tell you that Catholicism just may be the most egregious and archaic “faith” practiced in America certainly, and under the world’s proscenium without a doubt. I will be as blunt as possible here. Catholicism encourages me to root for Satan. Catholics are fools. So are Baptists, Mormons, Anglicans, Protestants, Muslims and especially Evangelicals and Born Agains.

They are all petty children in the eyes of the universe.

My sincerest apologies if I left any one out.

Buddhism occurs to me to be the only discipline that bothers to address the existential nature and uniqueness of the human condition. I just can’t help but appreciate a fat guy with a shit eating grin in the context of all the other tragic and sometimes stigmatically bleeding religious icons.

Most of it is about guilt and non intellectually curious blind shithouse faith. What I mean to say is it’s spectacularly dumb.

You gonna eat that?

Drinks for my friends.

Doubtfire can’t seem to keep his withered manhood from beneath his corrective footwear. Just last week he called for the “exploitation” of America’s offshore and enviromentally sensitive areas for drilling. A top economic adviser to McCain, Phil Graham, said we were in a “mental recession” and a nation of “whiners”. Bootlicker continues to joke about bombing Iran.

He’s doing great. Let’s have a parade. They’re better be midgets and firetrucks.

Methinks his diaper hath sprung a leak.

An exemplary performance most likely the harbinger of an inevitable conclusion.

I’m inclined to believe it’s no longer premature to offer my ideal choices for Our Man’s cabinet.

The thing to remember is this. Our Man, upon winning the most important contest in the history of civilization, will also own, arguably, the worst position of any American President ever. He’s walking into a cave as dark as any in the history of this country.

His road will be of asinine yet lethal burlesque.

Secretary of State:
The apogee of any diplomatic career, my pick is Big Bad Bill. There simply is no man more gifted and revered on the world stage than William Jefferson Clinton. I don’t give a mad fuck about his stumbles on this most recent sojourn as his wife’s campaign surrogate. The prodigous talent this man is able to visit upon any scenario makes the former President an obvious choice as well as one to ignore at our peril in times as serious as these. Bill Clinton qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Jimmy Carter, Andy Griffith was always so reasonable and Joe Walsh would clown the world and play blistering solos.

Secretary of the Treasury:
Bill Gates. The world’s richest man understands money. He owns trends. He gets it. The Feds took over IndyMac the other day. FDIC payouts will be as much as $8 billion. There’s Fannie and Freddie crashing on the rocks. Those two go down and it won’t be too different than a small nuke in a major city.

Hang the rich.

Alternates include my friend Jim Labinski, Gene Hackman, Ben Vereen, Lorne Green and Jim Beam.

Attorney General:
Walk in the park. My mother pointed it out. Edwards. A lawyer who’s adept at kicking the shit out of some pretty big boys. Nice and liberal. Wads of charisma. He’s Bobby goddamn Kennedy. John Edwards qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Ironman, Judge Judy, people who collect beans and Negrodamus.

Secretary of Defense:
Wes Clark. Four stars, West Point valedictorian and Rhodes Scholar. I love the word secdef. He’s my pick for secdef. It’ll have to wait, I’ve got a meeting with the secdef. See what I’m saying?

Seems like a good guy. We liberals want our military leaders to smile a lot and have nice eyes. We also like it when they’re whip fucking smart and battle experienced with nearly spotless records. General Wesley Clark qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Runner up: Colin Powell. Yep, seriously. A good man and a smart one.

Alternates include Furnell Chapman, Ernest T. Bass, auntjudy.com and Bilbo Baggins.

Secretary of Energy:
Al Gore. Hey everybody! Let’s have an energy policy! Fuckin A! Seriously. Why are we fucking Iraq? Oil. Why are we fucking ourselves? Oil. Why are we fucked? Oil. Duh. I got one syllable for ya. Sun. Nevermind that it makes wind and everything else possible. See what I’m saying? Albert Gore qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Kurt Vonnegut, John Steinbeck, any civilian on COPS, Nikola Tesla and Barney Fife.

Secretary of Homeland Security:
What I’m looking for here is one of those three part names with the word VON in the middle. Wernher Von Braun, for example. We all know this position is a shallow history of dipshits. Joe Biden is an intelligent hothead. Wish I had better for him but he’s my choice. He’s smart and he loathes bullshit.

Alternates include Fred Flinstone for sheer mental prowess, Donna Summer for Disco Lemonade, Larry Flynt for a golden wheelchair and enormous genitals.

Secretary of the Interior:
Willie Nelson. He’ll legalize pot on all government lands and convert every forest service/state park vehicle to biodiesel. There would be a national hootenanny every summer solistice.

Alternates include Newman and Redford, Cheech & Chong, and the Smothers Brothers.

Secretary of Education:
My ultimate preference would have been George Carlin but he’s since taken the dirt nap. Posthumous. I guess I’ll go with Gore Vidal. He’s smart, crazy, gonna die soon and I like his priorities. Wait, Noam Chomsky!

Alternates include Al Bundy, Mr. Spock, Henry Rollins and Alex Trebek

Secretary of Health and Human Services:
Dr. Sanja Gupta. Handsome, charismatic, smart and charming.

Alternates include Dr. Dean Edell and Dr. Drew Pinsky.

Director of the National Drug Control Policy:
Bill Maher. This one’s painfully obvious. Reverse this ridiculous obfuscation they choose to label policy. It’s unconscionable. America incarcerates more people per capita than any nation on earth and it’s because of hundreds of thousands of nonviolent drug offenders who aren’t criminals when they enter the prison system but sure as fuck are when they get out. An absurd and failed attempt at social engineering. It doesn’t work. It never had a chance.

Mankind has sought to self medicate since before it was even a possibility. It’s like shoving abstinence down the throats of American teenagers. No possibility for efficacy, no chance ever. It’s counterintuitive, misguided and in opposition to basic human instinct.

It’s a fundamental cudgel for oppression by our government and really fucking stupid.

Alternates include Snoop, Adam Corolla, Lee Van Cleef and Willie Nelson.

White House Chief of Staff:
Jon Stewart. Duh. He’d also be White House press secretary. I’d swoon at the podium in a non gay way. Mancrush. He’d tell us the truth and crack us up whenever his boss fucks up. He’d be allowed to bring his writers with him.

Alternates include Sean Penn, Cris Rock and Lewis Black. Lewis Black……….oooooooohh.

Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency:
Dennis Kucinich. When a Supreme Court vacancy occurs, he’s the man. He carries the Constitution on his person. Otherwise he’d run the shit out of the EPA. Smart, honest, principled. He’ll do the right thing. He’ll fuck shit up. Between his pasty white thighs dangle testes made of zirconia. Bitch. This would be good. Dennis qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Al Gore, John Mellencamp and Don Henley.

Secretary of Transportation:
Ed Begley Jr. Ed knows. Ed cares. Ed will tear shit up. This would be good. Ed qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Robbie Knievel, Dave Grohl and Scotty from Star Trek because he operates the transporter. Well, we’re both Scotsman.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs:
Anthony Zinni. We need an intelligent hawk in this office. He’s accomplished. Degree in economics from Villanova. Tough. Four stars and tons of experience. Opposed to at least the prosecution of the war in Iraq. Got fired for it. I’m going out on a limb but I think he’s a man of logic and compassion. Anthony qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Maj. Gen. Paul Eaton, Maj. Gen. John Batiste, Brig. Gen. John Johns, Navy Vice Adm. David Richardson……….no shortage of good men to oversee the right thing.

Secretary of Agriculture:
What we need here is someone adamantly anti ethanol. Fuel from corn is just dumb. It’s a destructive crop. Bad for the soil. Tons of pesticides It’s only redeeming quality is that it tastes good and it can be made into whiskey. It’s like twice the resources/energy to produce as it ends up producing. There’s already chaos on the world food market as a result of incremental increases in it’s production. Why are we so goddamn stupid? We need an enforcer. A sonofabitch.

That sonafabitch is Chuck Norris. He is what we lack in government. He’s a goddamn Republican, but a grown man that is capable and willing to roundhouse kick other men in the head. Chuck Norris did not slide from a common vagina. He was borne of the ultimate mother. Mother Earth. He will fight for you harder than Larry H. Parker.

Alternates include Bruce Willis, Spiderman, spaghetti western banditos and Sgt. Joe Friday.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development:
Dumbya. He needs to see what he has wrought at least five days a week. The damage he’s done to the average American family as well as the madness he’s unleashed on those families with soldiers in Iraq or dead or wounded from Iraq.

Brains scarred with or without a head wound.

Astounding, to behave as though you’ve done nothing but act in our best interest. I doubt a man as stupid even as you, could believe anything remotely resembling that sort of madness. It’s okay Georgie boy. you’ll be the titular head, a position so familiar, it’s all you know. Loser.

No worries, we’ll surround him with genuine talent to show him smart people who care against the worthless ones he hired. He’s a dog in a talent show. “Brownie” can be your office boy. Rove and Cheney will share shifts in the executive washroom.

Secretary of Commerce:
What’s needed here is a pro American worker, pro union. The outsourcing and weakening of American industrial capability must be administered to like the sucking chest wound that it’s become. Enough is enough. I’m looking for someone pretty adept with green industry.

An individual capable of overseeing an investment in our infrastructure that is far more enviromentally responsible than we’ve been so far. A man or woman capable of acting as a genuine secretary for the logistical nightmare of taking funds from the wrong things and directing them towards the right things. An intelligent hard ass.

Hills? She wouldn’t stoop for this turd. Arianna Huffington? Her grasp of the dynamic is unique and abundant with nuance. No way. Ted Nugent? Too stupid.

Any character from The West Wing.

This one has me stumped. Suggestions are welcome.

My point is, this cabinet position is ripe for empowerment. It could benefit immensly from the right candidate possessing the ability to wield influence and charisma to make the post and it’s authority pivotal.

See above for alternates.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development:
Oprah, Seann Penn, Brad and Angelina. Together they’ve done far more for the dislocated in New Orleans than our own government. Make it a collective effort and they’ll appoint a staff of capables. If they start to get fucked on funds or legislation, who’s not gonna send a camera and a microphone?

United States Trade Representative:
Bill Richardson. He gets it. He’s smart, experienced and an adroit negotiator.

Alternates include Jack from Jack In The Box, Gandalf and most migrant workers.

Director of the Office of Management and Budget:
What we need here is an honest individual. Joe Biden would be good here too. Chuck Hagel? Yep. I want a thoroughly vetted individual, with integrity and a strong sense of personal accountability. I’m stumped on this one too.

Alternates include David Letterman, Bullwinkle and Bobby Brady.

I’m not prepared at this time to offer a choice for VP. Forgive me. Further study is needed. Trust that I’ll keep you posted.

Bitches.

Drinks for my friends.

So, it’s Memorial Day.

Happy Memorial Day.

What’s that supposed to mean?

No matter which side of the the current conflict you’re on, how could anyone possibly be happy about it?

Today we’re supposed to reflect on and be grateful for those who have served and survived as well as those who have fallen. I am. I am grateful. It is a sacrifice that I cannot imagine.

I remember my uncle Danny. He came to stay with us after serving in Vietnam and an honorable discharge from the army. I was five or six. He was quiet but happy to be home. We slept in the same room and the dial of his radium painted watch glowed perpetually in the dark. He had a bullet scar on his shoulder. He was the youngest of my mother’s ten siblings.

A number of my uncles were in the military and even a few cousins. My father’s brother fought, my father was declared 4F. Besides my father’s brother Eldon, who fought in WWII and whom I didn’t really know, uncle Danny was the only one in my extended family to see combat.

Funny how they both ended up abusing alcohol.

As far as I know, he’s uttered aproximately two sentences about it in forty years. I was present for one of those sentences last summer at a family renunion. I was drunk and so was he, I don’t remember what he said.

I then got drunker with cousins Angie, Todd, Rob, shithead Rod, Derrick my coolest inlaw cousin and his wife Marlow………….it goes on and on. Tyke and Bobby, Fred and Sharon, John and Jody, Birdy and Ken, Jim and Carlene, Uncle Larry and Und uncle Skip (Skid), Shirley and Bob…………….It was a big ass collection of at least half crazy white people in the woods of eastern Washington State. You would not have wanted to stumble into that camp after dark if you were a stranger. Most of the Hardings keep a gun close by and so do most of the inlaws. I digress.

Uncle Danny is the sum of my experience with a combat veteran. Like I said, he hasn’t had much to say.

So I’ve got no legitimate personal stake in this. But it really chaps my ass. It’s wrong. Everyone is starting to realize it. Finally.

Once you buy that it’s a lie, and that’s a crucial step because it is, there’s really not much left other than the loss of life.

The emperor is naked and really disgusting to look at. He and his administration are why everyone is dying and having their limbs blown off and brains spilling out of their fucking heads.

The world used to love us because of our global exploits in the name of “Freedom”. Now, they hate us.

Newsflash you asshats: They don’t hate us because of Rosie O’donnell, they hate us because of Dick-in-Bush. And so do I.

Just yesterday I heard some fucktard on the radio trying to make a case for Rosie not supporting the troops and equating them to terrorists. This empty, jingoistic, rhetorical whaleshit is beginning to fossilize.

In other words, that dog don’t hunt. That brush don’t hold no paint. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that if you disagree with the previous two sentiments, you’re either stupid or ignorant. Perhaps willfully ignorant, a fate worse than passing a stone.

It’s all over but the dying. How long that goes on is up to our elected and our ability to sneak smoldering coals into their anal clefts.

Nearly thirty thousand Americans wounded and approaching thirty five hundred dead. Estimates of Iraqi dead are well north of a half million. Nothing accomplished and for no fucking reason. In fact, not only nothing accomplished but an actual deficit in that regard.

This is really stupid and so are we. I agree with Sean Penn. They should all be in fucking jail for what they have done.

Drinks for my friends. Happy holiday.