Tonight’s offering was gonna be this horror piece I’ve been working on, but instead it’s a conversation between me and my pal Timmy. I actually cut and pasted it for you because I’m a loser.

TIMMY:
i need hooch im startin to shake over here and my teeth are yellow whitish i need em purple …STAT.
im gonna go drink some cough syrip

ME:
Actually, just went through my stash, and I have no Pejut merlot. I think that box in my office has some. It’s right inside the door-let’s check tommorrow.

TIMMY:
good im out of nyquil

ME:
Dude, just steal some from the 7-11.

TIMMY:
stealing is wrong

ME:
Who told you that?

TIMMY:
the bible. and jesus aint no liar he says thats bad to but i here fucking a virgin girl in the pooper is ok by him and he turns water into wine …hero

ME:
You know, he’s my kinda guy. He cavorted with whores.

TIMMY:
so does that mean there are whores at church?
maybe ive been looking at this religion shit all wrong
i love jesus

ME:
Of course you do my son. Get thee to to the services on Sunday. Seek the harlots. You’ll have to shower and that t-shirt you wear for weeks on end won’t fly.

TIMMY:
hey i shower and i change my t-shirt daily the pants kinda stay the same for weeks but fuck it my legs dont sweat htat much and it aint like im free ballin..im church material damn it . amen

ME:
Yes my son, you are. I gotta get a towel for my passenger seat, remind me. Least you’ve stopped pickin yer nose so much.

TIMMY:
get a towel for your passenger seat. there i reminded you . and i pick my nose all day at work while conteplating what a grape nut is so by the time i get in your car im out of boogers and i still dont know what the hell a grape nut is there are no nuts in grapes yet you can buy boxes full of the fucking things it makes no sence .what the fuck is a grape nut

ME:
Nevermind. They’re for smart people. I’m gonna make you wash your hands before the ride home from now on.

Think harder about breakfast foods like Pop Tarts or Fruity Pebbles. You won’t be nearly as confused. Concentrate on the various iterations of the now ubiquitous Egg McMuffin.

Better yet, have coffee. Helps ya poop.

TIMMY:
dude are you speaking english? what the hell man.
pop tarts are mear pastries though if you take a frosted one and stuff it in your toaster and tape the button trigger thing down 4-5 foot flames will shoot out the top of your toaster ,try it go and hit up a thrift store for a toaster and grab an extention cord and some tape and dot forget the frosted poptarts i like strawberry ..then make your neighbors say “do you smell burning poptarts?”

what the hell is a grape nut

ME:
Ok. Here’s the deal. Grape Nuts have been around forever and they’re called that because they were sweetened with sugar from grapes. Um, there was this guy, Euell Gibbons who did the commercials in the 70’s. I think he looked like Orville Redenbacher.

So, let it go. These things are so easily solved. See?

Now, we should get together and put Estes “D” size model rocket engines in a thrift store toaster.

I can fund this if we do it at your place.

Did you know you can make a bomb from non-dairy creamer? It’s flammable as fuck.

TIMMY:
no we need hot wheels match box cars and rocket engines ive done it before when i was a kid ,almost set a feild on fire ,good times
ah ha grape sugar who would have thought.

so how does on make a bomb from non dairy creamer ,do i just dump it in a coffee can with a wick and duct tape the hell out of it light it and run like hell?
if so im doing it

ME:
Yeah, that’ll work. Buy the cheapest powder you can find. I’m thinking Costco. Disclaimer though, I’ve never tried that, I only know it burns fast, I’ve set alot of that stuff on fire in recording studios.

You gotta find that combustive power versus strength of container ratio. You know, the more volatile fuel combined with the a shell of higher structural integrity always yields more bang for your pyromaniacal tendencies.

Don’t know where store bought NDC fits the math.

Should be pretty fucking combustible.

I tell ya, the idea of rocket engines in a toaster has a certain allure. Can we leave this possibility on the table? I’m thinking we should serve malt liquor with an entree of this nature.

TIMMY:
im just gonna do some trial and error with the non dairy bomb and eventualy i will blow some thing up.

if there is beer involved we can stuff a rocket engine in a toaster ,microwave ,stuffed animal and then when were good and drunk we can tape one fin to them and just set them off and see who gets hit .fun i tell you

ME:
Done that shootin them fuckers off random thing. Ended up with huge bruise on my thigh the shape of Italy, Then it got infected somehow.

If we get some malt liquor and some whiskey, I might be up for that. And since we’re older than 14, let’s get some safety goggles before we start drinking.

My old man’s only got one eye and your’s has a not-a-leg sooo……….

TIMMY:
good call on the whiskey and the goggles is a good idea too. rocket engines are fun

how the hell does a bruise get infected ,is that when they turn yellow/green cuz ive had that happen a shitload of times usually on the really big bruises like the one i got from doing a high speed sideways kinda bellyflop on a bench before i moved out here, that sucked, damn skateboard left me at the worst time

ME:
I’m good like that ’cause I’m older and smarter, more experienced and probably better looking.

All I know is it turned yellow and oozed some puss but it was kinda clear and I never got a fever or anything.

You do this kinda shit on a skateboard on purpose and you just bought and aspire to drive a fucking car.

TIMMY:
Body: i’ll give you older…the rest well ..i dont wanna hurt your feelings

that sounds like a bruise burn i get those alot to i also get alot of blistered blisters from burns those are a treat.

and the idea was to slide across the bench but i landed on it wrong and the skateboard left me hanging.
damn car i gotta go to the dmv next week and get myself mobiler than the other four wheels

ME:
Don’t get all brave on me cause we’re bouncing off a satellite.

Yep, there was burnt flesh next to my young sack.

I got nothin for your blisters on blisters except to make sure your using the right ointment and I worked at KFC. I smelled my flesh a handful of times a day in that place. Topical antibiotic?

350 degree fat under pressure with valves everywhere.

We made greasy enviroment destroying heart disease causing chicken.

You blow glass. Very well.

Too bad about everything else about you.

TIMMY:
Body: brave? no truthful yes

how many fast food joints did you work at ?i worked at one and said fuck that i aint doing that again.
every here that story about the dumb ass that pissed in a fryerlator ,you can image how that went

why did you have hot fat under pressure? ive only seen it sitting in a vat

and yeah every thing else is kinda a shame

ME:
Shuddup and hold my soup fuckhead.

Just two food service occupations. KFC was like the fucking military and Der Weiner Schnitzel was like the Stripes/Animal House version. I was in charge and I ran one loose motherfuckin ship.

KFC that’s how they cook that shit. Big hydraulic steel rack lowers into a boiling vat of fat, oil and viscera, seals, and you crank up the pressure.

It was crazy. We polished those fuckers like they were fire engines. Peddled home in the dead of winter with my fucking pants frozen to my legs.

So I became a record producer.

At least you stopped picking your nose.

I’m out. Gotta make a phone call.

TIMMY:
kfc is crazy

later