This just off the API and UPI wire, dateline Burbank 10/16 10:56 p.m. EDT:

LEADING MEDIA COMPANY BACKS CONSERVATIVE SOAP OPERA.

A media representative from FOX NEWS spoke under guarantee of
anonymity today and let slip, “One of the big
five will do the reveal soon on a primetime drama with
a story line that reflects more traditional family and
patriotic values than what has become standard fare on
contemporary network television”.

He also intimated that the working title for the
series is “As The World Turns Back To The Right”

A White House spokesperson applauded the move and quipped “The Lord knows and understands that this great nation could certainly use some programming that is both wholesome and rich in violence against brown people as well absent any uh, activities relating to procreation or masturbation”.

He also assured that the planet does indeed, spin left, “if one looks from the top down”.

This reporter had a grip of conversations with all
kinda folks in the business. Caterers, drivers, union
officials and chauffers.

This reporter learned that the protagonist of the
series is an affable dickhead named “Horhay Shrub”. To be
played by George Hamilton, also, an affable dickhead.

Our hero is Mayor and Sheriff of his small backwardass town as well as editor in chief of the local paper. The people, they love him.

There’s always a sidekick, who in grandiose
sitcom tradition, is the occasional antagonist. This
reporter has it on good authority that Ann Coulter
will play the role in drag. As a dude. Her character’s name will be Richard Bruce Coxcunt, Deputy Mayor.

An advisor to the series commented that “Miss Coulter
is a natural. We cut her wig, put her in a man’s suit
and had makeup emphasize that horse apple in the middle of her longish throat while we made sure she used her freakishly simian hands a lot as she delivered her lines. He really is believable”.

Apparently, our hero/protagonist has another trusted friend, who’s
name begins with a K, and will be played by the ghost
of Larry Bud Melman-the late great Calvert DeForest. Little is known about this character but that he sometimes takes over Mr. Shrub’s
brain for fun and profit. Hallowed Beltway chicanery ensues!

This reporter also gleaned a handful of plotlines from
various convenience store clerk/writer-entrepreneurs
around the city. Loose lipped cashiers as it were!

Por Ejemplo mi amigo: Shrub, Dick and K hear rumors at a church
barbecue about an “ethnic” guy across town who buys a
lot of fertilizer that could be converted into weapons
grade yellow nukyalar cake and equally dangerous frosting. They immediately spring into action and commence fomenting distrust and ignorant bigotry on their own block about the other ethnicities and religions across town.

Wait til you see what happens then! That’s only the
pilot!

There’s conflict and passion. The whole story arc of
the very first season is spectacular in it’s breadth.
Lives are lost, neighborhoods are leveled and one
begins to imagine the smoking destruction if the
ethnic people with the crazy religion on the other
side of town continue their obstinate insubordination and defiant willingness to live.

Triumph and then tragedy, as all but the trusted side
kick Dick, abandon our hero Horhay. His weapons
dealer, his lawyer, his Casperesque brain and even his
gardeners and servants walk away.

Then, best bud Dick has a coronary attack so severe
that his organ explodes in chest like a huckleberry
pie packed with C4! Like fireworks with juice!

Even more tragic, this reporter learned that while his chest cavity erupted, Dick was attending a preschool event for his lesbian daughter’s toddler. Sources indicate that the proceedings were some manner of play/pageant and as a result, dozens of little girls were festooned with the Deputy Mayor’s fluids.

By the end of the first season, which is actually the
second, you’ll see, our hero stands alone. All he has
is his own moral compass and his principles. His
steady hand with a six shooter and his conviction.

It is at this, the most crucial of times, that our man
Horhay experiences a crisis of confidence. He finds
himself at a critical crossroads. No longer does the
racket in his ears, formerly pissed in by those who have seen
fit to relenquish him, distract our patriot.

He is a man confronting the dawn with no friends and
all his enemies allied against him. He is afraid. He
is ashen and his lips quiver and spray. His knees buckle as he strolls the once propsperous neighborhood. He simply had
no idea that listening to these fuckheads would bring
him this much grief.

He pinches his nose and walks to the volcano’s edge.
But then, he smirks and walks back, a twinkle in his eye.

The season comes to an end. It’s not TV, It’s
Hammer Of The Gods.

“Some silicone sister with her manager’s mister told
me I got what it takes
She said, “I’ll turn you on, sonny, to something
strong if you play that song with the funky break”
And Go-Cart Mozart was checkin’ out the weather chart
to see if it was safe to go outside
And little Early-Pearly came by in her curly-wurly and
asked me if I needed a ride”-Springsteen.

Drinks for my friends.