Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Top Ten Reasons to off one’s self
Current mood: fickle and gratuitous
Category: fickle and gratuitous Writing and Poetry

10) Tired of wiping my ass

9) Sick of waiting for a green light.

8) I don’t like most people

7) Dust

6) Girls shaped like boys. Boys shaped like girls.

5) Dentist. The very word.

4) Residual urine

3) Ball and/or clam sweat

2) Toenail trimming

1) Having to write a hot check for Bombay Sapphire at Rite-Aid.

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Thursday, May 08, 2008

Ten more reasons to self induce the dirt nap
Current mood: Rotisserie
Category: Rotisserie Writing and Poetry

10. There’s these really cool overhead lights in my bathroom. Five of them and they’re enclosed in in like soffits in the ceiling. Well, one is blinking and clicking. I kinda like it but I wish I could only turn that one on and then I could take a shower and sing Sayonara.

9. Unless I beat them to it, my cats will travel before me.

8. Kids these days.

7. The inevitable decline in our human condition, what with global warming and America becoming a third world country and all.

8. I’m drunk. I meant six.

6. Boy hair cuts on girls. C’mon! Unless, you know.

5. I’ve been driving around with a thousand dollars worth of Christmas ornaments in my car for over a year.

4. Just the other day, my credit card was declined at a drive-thru.

3. Women seem to be interested in dancing again.

2. freecredit.com commercials.

1. The way people look at you when you stumble into the 7-11 right before two a.m. and you buy everything but booze.

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Thursday, May 08, 2008

Ten more reasons to covet shaking off the mortal coil
Current mood: Cunty
Category: Cunty Writing and Poetry

1. When someone notices you have a booger before you do.

2. Sean Hannity is still on TV.

3. People who walk around in public with a blank stare while mouth breathing.

4. When there’s not quite enough sushi left for the beer remaining, so you order more sushi and then run out of beer.

5. Cell phone talking dickheads that make you have to wait a whole ‘nother cycle while trying to make a left.

6. When individually wrapped slices of cheddar begin to harden around the edges because the ziplock packaging you purchased them in malfunctions.

7. Tattoos that mar the beauty of otherwise lovely cleavage.

8. “All Scratched Up” by Down By Law. I’m as responsible as anyone for that record but I can’t listen to it. Really, I just tried. “Punkrockacademyfightsong” rocks though. Dave Smalley sings his ass off in front of the best band he ever had.

9. Marty Feldman tits. Think about it.

10. Anything sticky on my fingers. Syrup or honey or even jam. Drives me fucking crazy.

Drinks for my friends……………

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