How Is This For A Good Reason To Try ExtenZe?

An actual headline from the website.

These people are full of shit.


“ExtenZe is the strongest, most advanced formula available today to increase the size of your penis and enhance sexual desire, pleasure and performance. With the newest, most advanced medically designed formula ever created for male sexual enhancement, it’s simply the best and is all natural with no harmful side effects. Increase the size of your penis in just a few weeks by taking one ExtenZe tablet each day. ExtenZe works for men of any age.
Even if you’ve tried everything, even other pills, you owe it to yourself to try the one that really works…ExtenZe!”

I called the toll free number. I told them I was a prominent blogger and would be happy to tell the truth about their product if they would agree to send me a free sample.

The TV deal was postage only for a free seven day trial so they only wanted 97 cents.

They only accept credit cards, however.

I reminded them I was a very prominent blogger and they should just send it to me.

They only accept credit cards.

They refused to waive the postage for the very prominent blogger.

I suggested COD to the very polite and friendly Phillipino lady.

No way I’m giving these fucks my credit card.

Wait! The Commercial is on again. Who the fuck is Doctor Stein from the Stein Institute? If he were suddenly thrust into the public school system he’d automatically be diagnosed with a learning disorder, given a helmet and assigned to the short bus. If that didn’t work they’d make sure he was bullied constantly and made to believe he was a homo and that it was very bad to be a homo.

They only accept credit cards.

How fucking stupid can people be?

I will share this with you. If there were a product on the market that could increase the size of male humanoid genitalia, in a male dominated world such as this, it would be available as lozenge sized discs packaged in a foil wrapper at the counter of every convenience store, gas station, drugstore, vending machine and public restroom in America. Eventually pushbutton dispensers for gorillas and every other male primate on God’s green Earth would be made available.

They only accept credit cards for the fucking postage.

I tried, she was polite, I regret not telling her that I’d be recording the conversation as well for purposes having nothing to do with quality or customer service. I wasn’t recording, I just wish I’d said it.

I asked about ingredients. She was a little vague.

It’s on again. Stein has personally researched the product! He’s got golden signage on a pinkish brick facade. Five men, at least one of them gay, testify to having achieved a larger unit.

“Dr. Stein has lectured internationally and is a regular guest on a variety of television programs nationwide. He is also widely quoted as an authority on sexual health and medicine in popular magazines such as Redbook, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, and Mademoiselle.”

Pillars of responsible journalism all. I don’t care who this horse’s ass is, if he’s trying to convince me he’s got a pill that will make my dick bigger, he’s insulting my intelligence and that makes him an asshole and a potential sociopath.

“Special area of the male body”

“Male enhancement”

Now there’s a full on infomercial with three broads on a couch answering questions like, “When did you first discover size?” They have taken over the airwaves.

This is the cheesiest most resolute pandering to the lowest common denominator goddamn thing I’ve ever seen.

It may be gratuitous to mention, but my male membership has recieved consistent praise. I’m a Douglass after all.

“Size is a big thing”

“The most easiest product I’ve taken”


The fact that this broadcast makes it into my living room is an example of the millions of idiots breathing my air.

This angers me.

“synergistic blend”

For men who are not only dipshits, but tragically under endowed.

Doctor Stein is creepy as a septic tank.

I understand there’s been a Chupacabra sighting in Texas by a fat cop with an onboard camera.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, welcome to the Dope Show.

This shit with Georgia and Russia scares the piss out of me. We got nuthin. Not a damn thing. Lest ye think them that talks tough are brave, trust me when I tell you they are instead, stupid. We got nuthin.

See what I’m saying?

Drinks for my friends.

11 Responses to “How Is This For A Good Reason To Try ExtenZe?”

  • alex reed:

    No mention of being shaped like a soup can?I guess that’s priveleged information. Info I wish I wasn’t privy to…

  • lifeguard babez:

    Woman in the van, in the hotel, at the home front, and in the back pocket. Blinded by constant alcohol induced tears, drowning in excesses. Smokey your in over your head, ain’t life a bitch…,By the way got any more pictures?

  • admin:

    It’s true, I’m hung like a soupcan.

  • neb good:

    it’s simple…your penis is finite and, like a ballpark frank, it plumps when you’re cookin’. You can’t suddenly add size to a penis that is already as plump as it’s ever gonna get. But you only need 1 desperate fool in 20 to make the scam pay.

  • lifeguard babez:

    While Michaels off romping with Carmalita, I experience this nightmare: I slowly lighten my grip off the steering wheel., and from some force of habit, find myself heading towards a large structure.. I enter and routinely take my place at a seat amongst utter strangers, uncomfortable yet familiar. Who are these people; what am I doing here? I recognize the words emitted from their mouths, but understand nothing of which they speak. They glance at me knowingly, yet not seeing me at all. In my head I’m wondering silently, searching for a definite, truth. There’s a man standing close talking to me, I fake like I am present, and attempt to feign engagement. His confidence in his knowledge of me is baffling, so I search for answers in his words. I can’t understand.

    Memories, are away on holiday, the past no longer exist or has gotten misplaced. Who am I; shouldn’t I know? The last thing I remember and its all very cloudy, but I remember having taken a stroll down by the river, then traversing back up the wash, or spillway if you will, towards home.
    A rapidly flying bird was circling above, then practically dove into my face, before falling back behind stalking in my tail wind. After a while It swoops around my head again flirtingly, “ugh that’s not a bird its a bat”…, oough creepy.

    The sun vanished, the walk had been longer than expected. I enter through the sliding glass door, falling into my recliner, home and exhausted. I grabbed my water bottle, it was no longer cold, as I tipped it into my mouth, for a swallow. Then I made my way over to the fridge, from the light the open door emitted I spotted a fast moving shadow, on the ceiling. I’m screaming, Oh shit did that animal follow me into the house? Shoving the icebox open as wide as possible, and again I see the very rapid swooping movements, of a bat. EEeeow, can I dive into the refrigerator here? God this can’t be happening. I hit the light switch on, then fall searching, for shelter as the Bat circles nearer, and nearer, examining me with glee. I crawl back towards the sliding glass door, forcing it back open thinking I know he would rather be out there. Hours, go by but he keeps circling above me, up near the ceiling then swooping back down, then towards the mirrored wall and abruptly turning back towards the chandelier, he is in every direction but the exit. Around and around he moves with speed and agility. Teenage acrobatic, with wings. I keep my eyes fixed on that open door. I want that bat gone, why won’t he leave? Several hour goes by, finally quiet stillness in the air. In sheer terror I chase over towards my bedroom. As I move it reappears to flutter violently above, letting me know its eyes are on me. But I slam the door closed behind, finally I’m safe alone in my room. As you can imagine my whole world has been turned upside down literally, I return to finish the tale tonight, when I am more awake.

  • lifeguard babez:

    After several days of this chiroptera, the smell of wild fowl dominates my living quarters. I’ve been forced to sleep the days away in my room. Only sneaking out for food and toilet. Consistently he rushes to greet me, swooping down from the delicate silk valance over the open door. Finally I become braver, and begin wearing swim goggles, to protect my eyes, then refused to cower in my room. Oddly the more time, I spent out in the living room, the more confused and lost I felt.
    Where is he; am I free of him?
    Now that I was out and about, he hides very shyly, away. No longer a hostage I decide to watch t.v., I lay on the sofa, and guess who comes rushing at me? He won’t let me focus on anything other than him. I refuse to back down, obviously he was in disbelief, as he dives towards me, then circles above in a hypnotic pattern. My head and neck strained as my eyes follow his every move. Around and around, as I watch the ceiling.
    Clearly he is trying to impress me. I began to appreciate his consistency, agility and strength. Does he not know that he is out of place in here amongst the silk flowers, and delicate porcelain, and glass ware?
    I’m simply lost,@ outside of myself, with all of this…, more later.

  • lifeguard babez:

    I always tell myself when things become weird & life gets out of balance, rely on your good habits. At dusk, I decide to go out and take a swim in the back yard pool. I’m letting him know, I refuse to stop living in spite of this predicament. He’s been sneaking in and out of the open door, life’s gotten easy for him, and he seems to be expanding in size. When he eyes me splashing in the pool, he flies over and mimics me. He hits the water; skims the surface and takes a gulp. I’m wondering how much of this chlorinated water he’ll be able to tolerate. I fake like I’m swallowing it also. Like an origami bird one instant he is folded almost from view, the next he soars into the drink, I play his game. I shrink down into a dive squat position, then take a long flight into the aqua. I go under for several minutes, until I run out of breath, then come up roll over and float. He tries to copy me but appears to gulp water and seems to become intoxicated…, drunk from lust, then disappears in defeat. Finally I think I’ve got him, “check mate”, I’m done with you Batman.

    I get out, grab my towel and wrap it around my head and shoulder area. As I pat myself dry, I feel a sharp pinch on the back of my neck. Ouuch SHIT was a bug hiding in that draped towel? I’m woozy as I make my way back inside, and almost faint. Then I feel a strong flutter…, moving away from me, as I remove the bath towel, and fall onto the sofa, in a paralyzed daze.

    I’m struggling to adjust to this nocturnal life style.., weakened and dizzy.

  • lifeguard babez:

    All through the night, I seem to dream of his expansive wings, fluttering above, then grabbing me from behind, mouth locked on my neck. I’m enraptured in a trance, his wings almost crushing away my life. Daylight arrives he is no where to be seen. Very weak, I try to regain myself and struggle with what to do next. I grab some Orange juice from the fridge and wander over to the mirror. What the Aaaugh? WHAT? A dark burgundy, crusty and syrupy goo is dripping all down my shoulders, neck and between my breast. I barely recognize myself, my skin is the shade of the moon. Translucent. That awful sticky gunk on my breast; did Batman do some sort of territorial markings on me last night? Where is he anyway? Forget him, I’m thinking as I walk through the house holding onto the walls. Moving, as if I’m unconscious during a surgical procedure. Something isn’t right. Who am I, where is he? I wipe out on my bed starring up at the ceiling searching; hours go by I’m lost in time. Oh…, the phone is ringing, startled by what is being said on the other end, I know nothing except to agree. Yes I say everything is fine. I’ll be there in about a half hour. I watch the silk plants for him, so many green leaves, a bell rings in my brain, money…green yes, that’s it I like money. So I make my way out, following the instructions given over the phone. Lovely, finally I get to get out. My car is dark, midnight blue, it flies me to where I need to go. You know this is all very familiar, I enter this office, feeling like an zombie. I meet with people. We discuss my role getting into the bank vault, it will be just after midnight, he will lead the flight in. His eyes are like sparkling stars as they stare right through me. So that is it, we do banks, remove money from vaults for our own profit. Nice, I like this. His wings spread surrounding and engulfing me. Our hearts beat blissful harmony. Money, baby money. The end

  • lifeguard babez:

    Ode to Batman, fuck off Fey, oops I mean Hurrican Fay.Gimme some sun.By Lluvia Temprano

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