A big part of my job is eye contact. Sometimes I’m a little fierce about it, but it’s the first and only thing that opens the door to a sale.

I’m a salesman.  I’m not proud of it, but I know how to do it.  I’ve sold millions of dollars of goods in a single year.

I clock you, size you up, I look at your shoes, your watch, clothes and jewelry.  I work at Costco selling window treatments.   By the time you get to me, I know what’s in your cart and whether you can afford what I’m here to offer.  I smile at you no matter what.  I hate it.

When there is a couple, I focus on the female. I’m not stupid. Nine times out of ten, it’s the feminine half that would hold sway over anything to do with with window treatments.  That’s what I sell. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve wasted effort on the alpha male only to suffer the absence of the female. No decision even possible for a simple phone call from the company I represent without the explicit consent of the Hen.

So the other day, I’m doing just that.  A couple cruises by and I see her glance at my wares.  She says nothing but I caught her looking.  So I focus on her.  It was a little slow. Imagine my whole periphery as 180 degrees.  At about 90, I catch her looking.  I do my thing.  I watch her.  She never looks back but at about 130 degrees her oily primate gives me the stink eye.

Then he barks, from some distance, “want me to get you a camera, asshole?”

I’m a little confused because I’m just doing what I do.  I wasn’t checking her out.  Yet he locks eyes with me.  He’s actually challenging me, like he’s really looking for some shit.  I return his glare and he starts to slow down, like he’s feeling it.  I’m not really sure what to do but before I know it, the words, “Your best option is to keep moving.” come out of my mouth.  I don’t need to yell, I have a pretty big voice.  I’ve already picked one eye and I’ve locked onto it.  I don’t think he expected as much.  It surprised me too.  He turned away and kept moving.  I immediately experienced that confrontational flush.  What did I just do?

I start to think of things I could have said.  “Why, because your wife has a big ass and bad skin?”  Or:  “You wanna pick a fight with me because your wife is ugly?”

The whole brief episode made little sense to me.  She wasn’t hot.  She was rather the opposite.  I had fifty pounds and at least ten years on him.  What was he thinking?  I’m not a violent guy at all.  I haven’t hit a man with force and anger since I was twenty years old, but he couldn’t know that.  For all he knew, I might have punched a hole through his torso.  What if after I said that he didn’t keep moving?

The thing is, I was instantly angry.  I hadn’t snapped, but  I was ready.  I believe I would have started toward him.  It very well could’ve been an embarrassing mess.  Trading swings with some asshole on the Costco floor.

Sheezus.  How did I get there?  Here?  You think I might hate this gig?  You’d be right.  I do.  I hate it.  It’s bad enough being a monkey on a stick without this brand of bullshit.  What that guy could not have possibly understood is how much I hate this job and that I was ready to beat the fuck out of him because of it.  Instantly.  I was that angry.  What came out of my mouth was an accident and in retrospect it served us both very well.

Wow.

Drinks for my friends.

2 Responses to “Just the other day…..”