A special birthday message…….

So today is my birthday. I received literally hundreds of happy wishes from FB friends and I am humbled. Really, I’m startled and stunned. Thank you so much all of you. To my personal friends, and you know who you are, thank you so much but I don’t have time to respond to all of you so I hope my thanks here is enough.  I don’t like most of you but love all of you.  I love you all so much that I’m going to share some Dracula titles with you. My close friends will understand and the rest of you will be confused. The joke, for those of you not in the know, is very simple. Potential titles for new Dracula films. We’ve been doing this for 25 years. We even give them as Christmas gifts.

AT FIRST GLANCE, DRACULA APPEARS AS HAPPY AS A PIG IN A POKE.

IN THE INTEREST OF PROFESSIONAL DECORUM, DRACULA SHAKES THE TONER CARTRIDGE BEFORE COMPLAINING THE COPIER IS OUT OF INK.

DRACULA SMASHES EVERY BUD VASE HE EVER ENCOUNTERS ON THE FUCKING SPOT.

DRACULA THINKS HE LOOKS COOL BRANDISHING A BILLOWING, AROMATIC BLUNT WHILE SHOOTING NINE BALL AT THE LOCAL YOUTH CENTER.

DRACULA SLATHERS HIS COCK WITH A1 SAUCE BEFORE CALLING THE TOLL FREE JAMAICAN PSYCHIC.

DRACULA RELAXES WITH MACRAME, KIDDIE PORN AND WATERMELON SMOOTHIES SPIKED WITH GREY GOOSE.

DRACULA MAINTAINS A FEELING OF FRESHNESS BY SWIPING HIS ASS CRACK WITH BLISTEX.

DRACULA GRINS IMMACULATELY UPON FURNISHING THE MIDGET CHILDREN WITH YO YOs.

DRACULA LIVES IN MORTAL FEAR OF EARWIGS AND LOBSTERS, YET HE STILL EATS EARWIGS.

DRACULA COOKS WITH TONGS. DRACULA ONLY COOKS WITH MOTHERFUCKING TONGS.

WHEN DRACULA WAS A BOY, HE LONGED TO BE A COWBOY BECAUSE HE WAS SO ENCHANTED BY THE FRINGED BUCKSKIN WARDROBE THEY FAVORED.

WHENEVER THE OPPORTUNITY PRESENTS ITSELF, DRACULA DINES WEARING WHITE GLOVES, A GARISH PINKY RING AND YOUR MOTHER’S BEST HOOP EARRINGS.

DRACULA COVETS PUSHING THE ENVELOPE BY TIPPING OFF THE FCC THAT HE’S ABOUT TO CALL RUSH LIMBAUGH AND USE SEXUAL INNUENDO AS METAPHOR TO DISTRACT THE DRUG ADDLED FAT FUCK INTO STUMBLING OVER HIS OWN WORDS WHILE FORCING HIM TO ADMIT HIS PENIS IS NO BIGGER THAN A THIMBLE AND HE WANTS NOTHING MORE THAN TO ENJOY THE CHARMS OF A COMELY YOUNG SOUTHEAST ASIAN ADOLESCENT BOY DRESSED AS HIS VERY OWN GRANDMOTHER.

DRACULA CAN’T WRAP HIS BRAIN AROUND WHY THE EXCELLENT SUGARY PASTE IN THE MIDDLE OF OREO COOKIES ISN’T SOLD AND MARKETED BY THE QUART IN GIANT OPAQUE TUBS.

DRACULA PINES AND LAMENTS. PINES AND LAMENTS.

DRACULA CONSIDERS SUPERGLUE TO BE HUMANITY’S FINEST HOUR, SECOND ONLY NASA’S APOLLO PROGRAM AND THE POST-IT-NOTE.

DRACULA WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO CHANGE HIS NAME TO MARCUS.

Happy birthday to me. Thank you all. I hope I’ve offended you.

Drinks for my friends.

4 Responses to “A special birthday message…….”

  • alleygrrrl:

    WATERMELON SMOOTHIES SPIKED WITH GREY GOOSE.
    mmmmmm. good idea

  • Dracula Applauds The Sasquatch In A Bikini And Red Spike Heels

    http://twitter.com/DraculaTitles

  • Hey there, just in case these didn’t find you last night, lets slap them up here at the spank:
    Bitch Slap Dracula has Risen Lipstick Smeared from Plush Pink Party Pad

    Dracula Rethinks the name of his Invention from ‘Thigh Master’ to the ‘Susan Summers Snatch Clapper’

    Dracula Publishes a Book of Cro-Magnon Poetry, A Clubbed Woman by any other Grunt is still a Clubbed Woman

    Retard Dracula Sinks Fang into a John Deer Tractor

    Undead Eastwood in Two Mule Dicks for Sister Dracula

    Dracula Dracula Everywhere but not a Drop to Drink Blood

    Dracula Joins the Black Panthers and the Kluless Klutsy Klanners on the Same Nutty Weekend

    Dracula Sends a Jism Sample Over the Back Fence

    Among the Woogots he is called Dances w/ Hemoglobin

    Dyke Van Dracula, Chimney Sweep, Hum Dilly Dilly, Hum Dilly DIE!

    Once Bitten Twice Dracula’d , or The Great White Dracula Barn Dance and Midnight Harvest Communal Bloodletting and Congregation Roast

    Just Say No to Filthy Undead Puncture Wounds

    Dracula Wishes his Name was Buck Travesty, the Fork-Dicked Weasel

    Clown Cars on Ice Meet the Abominable Snow Draculas

    Dracula Blows Chunks down at the Ramada Inn Rumba Room

    Dracula Blows Bellhops down at the Holiday Inn off Route Six Six Six

    Wyle E. Dracula catches 1936 Olympic Sweetheart Carl Lewis utilizing a drum of Axle Grease, a Lawn Sprinkler with a Thigh Master pump conversion kit, a pair of Olivia Newton John Signiture Xanadu Roller Boogie Boots, a Strap-on Inflatable Susi Luv Doll (with a glossy head shot of Danny Zooko plastered on the face area), one Acme ‘Lil’ Idiot’ Rocket Pack, and a Plus Three Battle Ax

    Sloggy Birthday

  • Junior's Ghost:

    My oldest brother’s birthday is today. He’s 54.
    He doesn’t care about Dracula.

    Neither do I. But your blood is good in my bank.
    Happy B-Day, Mike.

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