Is a man at least as crazy as I am and I think maybe more so. Couple things about him. He’s an excellent artist who’s work I purchase whenever I have money and he paints something brilliant. He’s the most soft spoken honest man I’ve ever encountered. I’ve seen him shirtless, he has little wings between his arms and his torso.

He’s a little creepy but very friendly. His wife, LZ, is very similiar.

If I were rich, I’d purchase their son and hire them to hang out with me. I like these people. Friends for decades. You can’t imagine my affection for this man, his wife and their son. That son part is a little phony because I don’t really know him but I like what I see.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Chris Hataway

1. What is your occupation right now?
Artist, Cook, Handyman, Garbage man, Papa, Satan Worshiper, Doll stabber, dime store hood, bit part player in the play called life. Card carryin’ Loon

2. What color are your socks right now?
Socks? We don’t hafta show you no stinking socks (Sierra Madre answer)

3. What are you listening to right now?
Dogs Fucking. Yarn balls ageing. Mountains forming. It’s so quiet, I can’t hear myself not think…

4. What was the last thing that you ate?
Turkey nachos. Steamed shoe laces.

5. Can you drive a stick shift?
I can drive a stick through Draculas heart

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
Piston Remington, the famous soap box derby king

7. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
No, not one bit, I sent it to myself.

8. How old are you today?
Old enough to be your punching bag

9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV?
Is cooking a sport yet? Midget pole vault. Yard Flailing

10. What is your favorite drink?
Free booze. What you do is, you take a jigger of Virgin Blood, two tablespoons battery acid, a thimble of cocaine, one goat milk ice cube, a pinch of grave dirt, shake well and strain into a highball glass with an eye of newt at the bottom, give it a float of nitro glycerin (light it), garnish with bat wing. It’s called Draculas Awkward Flatulence

11. Have you ever dyed your hair?
My stars, yesterday I dyed it race car orange and then back again. Once I dyed my hair Purple because I really wanted the carpet to match the drapes.

12. Favorite food?
Dog. Denver Omelets. Leftover surprise. Nachos. Carne Asada Super Burritos. Pasta whathaveyou. More turf than serf, but serfs ok too. Sausage. Savory over sweet, but sweet treats come in handy sometimes.

13. What is the last movie you watched?
Dracula Jack-knife I-80, the Trucker Fuckers. The true answer is an oddity from 1974 called Prime Time. Television parody sketch comedy. Very non PC and pretty damn funny. One of many from the box I just bought called 50 Drive In Classics… Tonight I think I’ll be watching TNT Jackson. Before Prime Time,I fell asleep to The Bad Sleep Well. And before that I watched Shine a Light, the Rolling Stones concert film. Leslie and I just re-watched Lord of the Rings, it took us five days… Dracula VS. Mecha-Draczilla (why hasn’t anyone made that one?)

14. Favorite day of the year?
I like that one day when you wake up and you have a mission, a task, a plan, and you have all the tools you need and all the supplies, or if not all the supplies, you know where to get them, and when you get them, the traffic flows your way and you get back to the project and set to it and everything goes smoothly and if you hit a glitch you brain your way around it and keep on going until the task or the list of projects are all complete and the sun goes down and you can feel good about your day, job satisfaction ho! That happens once or twice a year…

15. How do you vent anger?
Kick Vents. Pop off at strangers. Stab kittens. Run my head into fence posts. Tell the Lord to go fuck a dust speck. Saw through Otter pops and toss curses to the wind.

16. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Rubbers.

17. What is your favorite season?
White Pepper. Sprong, Summner, Oddum, Winner. To every turn, thing- thing- thing-, there season is a, thing- thing- thing-, and to all turns, a heaven, under purpose…

18. Cherries or Blueberries?
Former Pie-ward, latter Flapjacks. Cherries are sexy, Blueberries sad

19. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back?
Fuck no, thems a bunch o’ meanies

20. Who is the most likely to respond?
To what? Probably loud mouth Billy

21. Who is least likely to respond?
Trevor Rabin

22. City or country?
I like crappin’ outside.

23. When was the last time you cried?
Last time I crapped outside. Why, just this morning I cried over spilt milk. I don’t cry, I weep. I’ve been weeping for a few years straight. Last time I cried was when I couldn’t stay up all night to watch the Ten Commandments on TV when I was seven…

24. What is on the floor of your closet?
Gay skeleton bones

25. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to?
Jesus of Nazgul. You read me Jesus? I’m a-sendin’ Got yer ears on good buddy? See, the friend I’ve had longest that I’m sending to… The Earl of Cunt. Get thee behind me Santa

26. What did you do last night?
Tied myself up and threw myself over the falls. Bent over backwards for people. Read three Curious Whore-Hey books front to back, back to back.

27. What are you most afraid of?
Bags of chips. My brain turning on me. The world catching on that I’m totally full of shit. Aliens with chips on their scrawny shoulders. Vengeful Dinosaurs. Pole-shift. A-bombs. Horny teens.

28. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers ?
Bacon Cheeseburder ga’dammit. Gimme the Awful-awful

29. Favorite dog breed?
Foot long trouser dogs. With jalapeños, kraut, mustard, catsup, red onion, and pickles. Give or take Mayo.

30. Favorite day of the week?
Monday, in your face joe workforce. Favorite day of the week… I’ve got to turn that one over to Janus Jop: “It’s all the same fucking day, man.”

31. How many states have you lived in?
Pretty much just one- confusion. Let’s see, 5 if you count up to ‘em on one hand, which I did.

32. Diamonds or pearls?
Shiny rocks or oyster tumors. I’ll go for pearls cause they come from the briny snot-monsters and then look so damn moonlighty. They cut your hand off if you steal diamonds from down the mine.

33. What is your favorite flower?
The Dragon Dungweenie. The Michalob Back-stabber. Bloom Bloom OutGoDaLights.