I’ve been ranting and raving a whole lot lately.  Forgive me, I’m reacting to just how fucked up everything is.  But still, by my own estimation, It occurs to me I’m sounding a little shrill these days and my ravings lack a certain amount of substance and are a little top heavy on the vitriol.

I’m going to ask that you excuse me from the the table and in the stead of my standard fare, allow me to serve up some vittles I think are funny as fuck.

About twenty five years ago, my friends and I devised a very simple game.  I’m still friends with these immensely gifted, uniquely talented men I first met as boys more than a quarter century ago.  Artists all.  Intellectuals all. Accomplished all.  There were four of us.  There still is.  I can’t say enough about these friends.  These men are among my very favorite people ever on earth.  They are family.  I am so lucky.

They are twisted, disturbed and kind.

Anyway.

The game is ridiculously simple.  The mandate is to invent possible titles for a Dracula movie.  A movie with Dracula as the antagonist.  The object is to get carried away.  To blow smoke up the ass of reason and piss all over convention.  Simple and stupid.  Not clever, no redeeming value.  Nothing but prurience.

I’ll give you a few examples:  Dracula Shits in a Whopper Box.  Dracula Bathes in Shit.  Dracula Helps The Children.  Dracula Waltzes Through Your Intestines While Bellowing “Ring of Fire” At The Top of His Lungs.

Yeah, it’s existential.  And weird.  Under the right conditions with enough booze and drugs it is hysterically funny.

Whatever.  Let’s do this thing.

Dracula stumbles across the room towards the pink plastic enclosed tissue box after rubbing one out to the hooker ads on craigslist.

Dracula makes pies with delicate crusts and flowery contents.

Dracula enjoys a challenging board game with a nuclear family.

Dracula loves to pretend to puke root beer from his nose and mouth for the children but is confused when they’re not as amused with his packing his trousers with mac & cheese from the grade school lunch buffet.

Dracula is saddened by not seeing his countenance in a mirror.

Dracula is thrilled with the sectioned plates he’s stolen from the cafeteria.

Dracula is very pro Zombie rights.

Every now and then, Dracula blows the shit out of a rodent or a human infant with one of his two hip holstered six guns.

Dracula likes the way he looks.  No fucking shit.

Dracula will clock you, rock you and tick fucking tock you.

Dracula heads up every ways and means committee there is, bitches.

If your number is up, Dracula has it.

You can always count on Dracula, you fucking whore.

On the seventh day, Dracula named the city of Playa Del Ray.  Then, he rested.

Sometimes, for that squishy sensation, Dracula wipes his ass with the wrapper from a Del Taco burger.

Dracula likes A1 Sauce in his fries you fucking cunts.

When the arresting officer asked Dracula if he’d been drinking that evening, Dracula said “Blow me dimestore cowboy” and ripped his arms from their sockets.

Dracula loves to wade into the picturesque lake up to his waste so he can fart and piss with abandon.  At night he silently visits the tents of every camper and leaves a small hard turd on every pillow.  In the morning he clasps his hands gleefully and inquires earnestly about everyone’s slumber.  Later he whispers an inquiry to a select few about whether their sleep was disturbed in any way.  When they look at him questioningly, he produces a small hard turd from the folds of his garments and laughs so hard his spittle makes tiny rainbows in the morning sun.

In the afternoon, Dracula astounds the children by making beetles and dragonflies disappear up his nose.

At night while telling terrifyingly brutal tales that cause all the children to weep and cry, he pulls his dark garments up beyond his waist to reveal white silky hose and crotchless undergarments.  He then begins to dance in the fire, kicking cinders and and flaming coals onto all the campers while firing his pistols in the air and at the feet of the campers.

They all vow to never invite Dracula camping ever again and Dracula is forced to fly home.

That’s it for now.  If you made it this far I hope you are somehow inspired to contribute.  That would be very cool.  Wade in you pantywastes.  Get creative.  I’ve got a new A&M chapter on deck.

Drinks for my friends.

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