Pope Benedict XVI showed up today in America. Boy, am I excited. Did you know there’s like seventy million Catholics in this country? Did you know that by being Catholic you’re automatically full of shit? Trust me, I know a few Catholics and some of them are nice, but all of them, completely full of shit.

It’s true, I loathe Catholicism. Gays will burn in hell. Third world countries shouldn’t be allowed access to birth control because premarital sex is a sin. Then there’s the rampant and chronic ass raping of children by priests. That last one is a big one. I hear it just cost them two billion bucks. That’s maybe a day and half in Iraq.

I really could go on and on and on………

Allow me to lend you some perspective. People jumped all over Barack Obama a few weeks back because the pastor of his church was percieved by some to have insulted America. How could he belong to such a church? Why didn’t he leave that church and denounce that man?

Despite the fact that Jeremiah Wright spoke the truth, it occurs to me to ask this question: How the fuck can you people, nearly seventy million of you, in all good conscience, remain Catholic?

So I’m pretty sure I saw his image today.

I was walking along skid row and in a river of crap and piss, I glimpsed a piece of toast that made me think of this fuck’s face. True, it did look a little like Dick Cheney. Anyway, I was in a bad way, so I puked bile and snot after I was certain that I saw the face of the Pope in a slice of toast floating in human sewage running down the street.

None of this is true, by the way.

I was positive that what I saw was divine so I called every cable news show I could think of on a pay phone and asked them to meet me there in front of the booth. I had a pocket full of quarters from the the jerk off stalls earlier in my evening.

I’d lifted the countenance of the current pope in the form of a toast wedge from the gutter with my left foot and placed it neatly on the floor of the the last phone booth on skid row.

Guess what? They all came. Helicopters and vans. Crazy. I told them I’d been backpacking in the Andes for the last ten years. I ate grass and drank tea. I told them my meat of choice was yak. They nodded like it made sense.

I tell them it’s him and they’ll see because his ears and forehead are scary accurate in that morsel of toast.

I tell them, I can’t forgive this man for what he’s done and what he presides over.

I tell them he should be arrested while he’s in this country and I’m sure that’s when they decide to arrest me. I try to tell them how Cardinal Mahoney is Darth fucking Vader.

I end up in a cell. He ends up with the ass of any child he desires while candles and incense burn.

I’m just trying to make a point here. Both these fucks belong in handcuffs.

Can you believe this shit?

This fuck coming here?

Want a poster boy for religion as complete crap?

I do get carried away.

Forgive me.

I call them like I see them.

You know this prick was a Nazi?

Fuck the Pope.

Drinks for my friends.