Here’s what I want

I want to take The Swirly with me to Denny’s. There’s no way she’d be cool with it. Still, I wish I could.

All she’s gonna want is a small bowl of water with some tuna juice in it. She has never shown the remotest interest in anything besides IAMS and Fancy Feast.

Human food is barely on her radar. She no longer goes out of her way to even smell it.

If only she could accompany me so we could exchange glances and knowing looks while we people watch.

You can take dogs anywhere. They’re dogs. Dumb and overly optimistic. Most won’t bite. Far more likely they’ll try to nuzzle your genitals. I really hate that. Not so much for being violated but more for the dog snot on my hands after pushing it off my junk. No cat has ever done anything nearly as invasive. Except for peeing on me.

You just can’t take a cat to Denny’s.

If you bring your goddamn dog to whatever restaurant I’m in I might stab you with a pen. Maybe your dog. With a fork. Both of you. With a fork. Cat’s have enough sense to realize the craziness of any given human. Cat’s don’t give humans the benefit of the doubt. Cats are smart.

They don’t come running. Even if the only two faces to walk in your front door in like six months are the only two faces to walk in your door in that time, they still give you the up and down. I’ve had to let my oldest smell my drivers license. They let you know they’re happy you’re home at their own pace. Might not be until the next day.

I do wish I could just buckle a harness on Beddy and have her strut urgently to the 7-11 with me. Strutting urgently while looking back is her default. I hope she’ll talk to strangers as much as she talks to me. It would be fantastic if she would yell at others the way she yells at me when she’s cornered me in the kitchen. I’m there for a drink. She’s there for treats.

Did I tell you she’s got a real chip on her shoulder for the Latin homosexual and transgendered community? It’s pretty funny. I think it’s from me leaving the Hooker Paper on the bathroom floor.

Otherwise she’s a very classy broad. A lady.

Here’s what else:

1) I’d like to not ever have to scrub my shower. I’ve been kinda broke and decided to forego the magic defunkifying spray and it’s more than a little uh, calcified in there.

2) I need more info on these new LED lightbulbs.

3) I’m really tired of having things to do. I no longer want to have any scheduled activities. I’m exceptional at filling my waking hours with things that please me.

4) I’ve often thought that justice should be more poetic. Ironic. Limericky. There’s always a pay off in a limerick. What if a friend of Dick Cheney’s shot him in the face, and then Dick apologized publicly to his friend for the inconvenience his being shot in the face must have caused? You can see where I’m going with this.

5) I no longer wish to be burdened with the fear of cell phone radiation. I keep my shit far from my sack.

6) Here’s who I do not wish to hear on the radio ever again. Top of the list is the fucking Chili Peppers. I’ve come to hate them. The mechanicals alone pay them mad cash. “Highway Star” by Deep Purple. I hate that song. Any song by Cream. Clapton is way over rated. Oingo Boingo, I hate them. The Doors, fuck The Doors. I can’t really talk about contemporary music. I don’t dislike it, I just don’t know their names. We may have to come back to this.

7) I’d like for people who’ve never seen me before and never will again to stop acknowledging me. When I do that, it’s because I’m feeling confrontationally obnoxious. Why are they doing it?

8) Hot women should walk slower.

9) I’d like too see candy become a lot more nutritious and far less caloric. Science has proven that you can’t make food taste good without too much salt, sugar and fat so we really need to get going on this one.

10) Ok, this one’s big. No coincidence it ended up being number ten. Let me ask you something. Do you like this shit? You dear reader, do you like it? Are you entertained? Informed? Amused? Honestly.

If you are any of the above, and I sincerely hope you are, I’m asking for your support. Pimp me. Tell your friends. Post my banner on your page. I’m specifically encouraging pretty girls and hot bitches to post my banner.

Shut up. It makes sense.

Only you, can prevent forest fires.

The deal is this. The more readers I have, the better I look to advertisers and that’s easily the best way for you to get to continue to read me for free. See? It’s perfect. Symmetry. Help me out here.

11) Health and Human Services for us all. Happy Holidays.

Drinks for my friends.

6 Responses to “Here’s what I want”

  • I don’t bother with that fancy schmancy spray for my shower….dishwashing soap, bleach, and water….and if it’s a bit er….calcified….comet!!!

    If hot women should walk slower, then hot men should jog slower (I work across the street from a gym….and they run by way too goddamn fast for me to see his package…..)

    I’m with you on the candy….I also believe that candy should be one of those foods that help you lose weight….

    I’m am constantly amused and entertained by your column….keep up the good work….

    I’ll have some Chablis….surprise me….I’m feeling fucking continental…or whatever…;0)

  • admin:

    Not enough time to check out the rack AND the face, that’s what I’m saying. Thank you my dear. You’re among my longest and most loyal readers. One day we’ll have drinks 🙂

    Perhaps a Reisling?

  • Kim:

    I prefer to have someone else clean the shower,and the toilet for that matter. The problem is I can’t really afford that anymore either. I’ve had to break down and do it myself. I’ve found the spray cleaners with bleach work the best. No scrubbing involved.

    Reading your blog has kind of become an addiction to me. It’s just something I do pretty much every day. You pretty much rock, and yes I’ve also learned a thing or two, or three.

    I’ve also told my sister, the political junkie, about the blog and she too reads it all the time as well.

    Keep it up. We will pimp you!

  • kyra:

    I like it, really I do. Hence my coming here on a daily basis.

  • David Lee 3:

    Concerning where you were going with #6, this speaks to the situation eloquently for me.

    Of course I like visiting the Brainspank.. good stuff always, sometimes literary works of wonder. I can tell when the spirit’s got ya son.
    I may not be a pretty girl but I AM still a hot bitch and I will continue to sing your praises especially when the spirit’s got me.

    Speaking of spirits, Tanqueray & 7 please

  • Come on, Oingo Boingo isn’t that bad and where in the hell are you hearing them on the radio, anyhow?

    But I will admit Clapner is highly overrated.

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