There’s a confluence of wind in my shitbox.  After sundown I can place any large open mouthed empty plastic bottle pointed southwest on the southwest corner of my coffee table and watch it rock back and forth ever so slightly for hours.  I have one doing as much as I write this.  I control how much it shakes it’s hips by points on the compass.  The potential of introducing fluids into the equation is not lost on me.

They say the only thing that can possibly influence the absolute fifty fifty of a coin toss is human expectation.  Today there’s news of a planet that could maybe sustain us 20 light years away.  As of now it would take us 30,000 years to get there.  I’ve heard this before but it came up the other day in a sales meeting.

The idea that human anticipation can influence quantum physics is awesome.  This is no ordinary telemarketing job.  It was all illustrated with a brief lecture and five tosses of a quarter by a really smart guy who is kind of a dick.   My final day at this job was last Friday.

I’m moving on to something far more intense.  Somehow, my balls have gotten bigger.  I don’t doubt foolishly, but I wonder by how much.

There’s a difference between clever and intelligent.  It’s not quite as wide as the difference between brave and stupid.  It’s the difference between an ass in heels as opposed to no ass in heels.

It occurs to me we should talk about the goddamn Republicans or something.

I guess the Newt announced last week?  Whatever.  This big of an asshole will never be president.  He knows this as well as we do.  After a loser campaign, his speaking fees will spike and his brand will be secure despite the laws of natural selection consistently killing off his base.  He’ll shrink, but he’ll die before his brand is unable to sustain him.  It’s the only thing about him that really fucks with me.  He’s only running for president to insure he’s rich until he dies.  He will get that far and that really pisses me off.

He’ll walk away.

I really hope he’s in for a while though.  I do.  Really.  I can’t wait to watch him step on his bottom lipdick whilst defending a scorching case of hypocrisy from the dais of family values and religious bigotry.  He reeks like a homeless payday loan specialist when it comes to integrity.  He was banging his mistress and divorcing his cancer riddled wife while he lead the charge to impeach Big Bad Bill for a blowjob.

What a dick.

Newt Gingrich will die rich but miserable and suffering.

I welcome and adore his pollution of the Republican field of zero charisma or accomplishment.  The Newt’s batting average is in the goddamn basement.  He’s regarded by the GOP as an intellectual and that cracks me the fuck up.  He has no shame and is therefore qualified to run for president as a Republican.

Miller: John Wayne was a fag.
All : The hell he was.
Miller : He was, too, you boys. I installed two-way mirrors in his pad in Brentwood, and he come to the door in a dress.  -Repo Man

Then you have Guy Smiley.  Mit Romney.  Got single payer health care done in Massachusetts and lo and behold, it’s his albatross.  Unlike Harry Reid, Mr. Smiley will get pissed up the nose for being Mormon.  It won’t because of his religion; it will be because he’s a jackass.  A reasonably skilled politician bereft of any intellectual acuity.  Way outmatched.  He’s got nothing but money.

Who do we have left?  Pawlenty?  He’ll become a bigger contender for sure because he’s more serious.  He doesn’t look at the whole thing like a beauty pageant like Palin and Trump and really all of them including Huckabee.  But he has no charisma or presence, so his chances are as good as Dennis Kucinich winning a wet t-shirt contest.  I loves me some Dennis but you see what I’m saying.

As of this writing, Huckabee and the world’s most successful race baiting blowhard Donald Trump, have thrown in the towel.  I don’t like Huckabee much because he’s so slimy-hypocritical religious but I fucking loathe The Donald because he’s so flamboyantly full of shit that I crave the opportunity to swing on him.

Trump’s flameout was vaingloriously breathtaking.  The smackdown that asswizard got at the correspondent’s dinner after the release of the long form and right before the bloodying of Osama to death absolutely means The Donald will do his very best to dwell in the margins for the rest of his days.  This dipshit is officially over.  He got his ass handed to him internationally.  He may just die a pauper.  He will be canceled by NBC sooner rather than later.  The difference between Trump and the reptile Newt is that Trump is fucking stupid.  Both have allowed hubris to eclipse wisdom for decades and both share the ability to blow hard absent any sense of decency much less humility.

“Prejudices are what fools use for reason.” -Voltaire

I love the Republicans and their fevered, screaming, regrettably adopted, red headed and yellow toothed step child we know as the Tea Party.  I fucking love them.  Their extreme and willful ignorance is forcing folks off the fence right and left.  Is there a pun here?  It is absolutely biting them in the ass and dividing them.  There was a band once called The Meat Puppets.  I think the Tea Party should endorse The Meat Puppets as their official band before checking out their lyrics.  It would be very Republican of them to endorse and ask questions later.  Official meat would be bologna or maybe spam and official puppets would be of the finger variety.  When I think Tea Party I think brainless puppets made of some processed meat product with lots of nutritionless filler.

And mustard.  I like mustard.

You want proof?  How about Rick the shameless prick Santorum recklessly clamoring to bolster the lie that Osama’s death is directly related to our shamelessly illegal and completely ineffective use of torture by stating that John McCain of all people doesn’t understand torture.  John McCain who spent five years as a POW and was tortured relentlessly.  Really Mr. Santorum?    McCain staffer Mark Salter wrote on facebook “….for pure blind stupidity nobody beats Santorum in the Senate, In my 20 years in the senate, I’ve never met a dumber member, which he reminded me of today”.  Still no apology.  Still, no attempt at a walkback.  Santorum is a dickhead of the first order.  He has no chance.  A man this dumb couldn’t hold a gig clerking at the 7-11.

See how the blind mice run?

The Ryan budget sprung a leak before it left the womb.  The whole medicare thing was jarringly stupid.  It’s an absolute non starter. What brain trust arrived at this political calculus of going after the most popular social (socialist) programs in this country?  After Dumbya went after social security so spectacularly unsuccessfully in ’04.  The euphemism “entitlements” is jackassery.  People pay into these programs and can and should expect a return.  These programs are coveted and revered because they are of a socialist model just like libraries and fire departments and ideally clean public places to take a crap if you have to.  They are about decency and dignity after working hard for a long time and paying taxes and paying in to social programs.  What is wrong with any of that?

The Ryan budget favors even more tax cuts for the rich and even more subsidies for the wealthiest corporations in human history.  It’s not what the Tea Party wants; they’re too fucking stupid to want anything other than symbols and bullshit ideology.  It is absolutely what the money behind the Tea Party lusts for, drooling and naked with pornographic avarice.

All these Republicans, moving in concert by voting for this legislative vivisection, march exasperatingly to a Waterloo of their own device.

More Proof?  Witness Gingrich’s three different positions on medicare in roughly the last week.  He supported single payer health care along side Hillary Clinton as recently as ’08, and I assume up until now.  Just recently he was critical of the Ryan budget and it’s provision for ending medicare with the ridiculously lame notion of absurdly low dollar vouchers for seniors to buy their own health care for not going far enough.  For not being radical enough.  And just two days ago he characterized the same plan as “right wing social engineering”.

I love that that the last position taken by the salamander is absolutely right.  He nailed it.  Gorgeous irony.  He’ll never be taken seriously again because of it.  Stick a white hot fork in his fat, lily white ass.  He told the truth and his buttocks will soon be jerky.  That should tell you everything you need to know about the contemporary Republican party.

All of this mendacious nonsense is a direct result of the Tea Party wing of the GOP.   None of them know whether to shit or go blind.  It’s my definition of good clean fun.  Soon they’ll be offering bridges and swampland for sale at astoundingly discounted rates.  Jackwagons in three pointed hats will line up.  They’ll dance in the streets in an en mass grand mal seizure.

As far as I’m concerned, it all pivots on the Bacon Sundae currently offered by Denney’s.  It’s a metaphor as much as an analogy.  Bacon and ice cream together sounds sublime to me.  I can’t wait to try it.  I keep bugging my girlfriend about it.  But I understand it can’t possibly do me any good beyond instant gratification.  Republicans are dumb.  All of them.  No concept of delayed gratification.

We can only hope Bachmann and Palin put on their running pants.  I mean, we ain’t seen nothing yet if either of these two dingbats start showing up in Iowa.

Ridiculous cartoons will become punchlines before the 2012 election.  The way it shakes out is gonna be more fun than watching dogs play poker or when they go after johns on Cops.  Check me before I wreck me.  The entire Republican party is in more trouble than they have ever been.  The temporary gains from 2010 will be recognized as harbingers of doom before the election even heats up.

I can’t help but wonder if our biggest fear should be the demise these buffoons are getting ready to hand us.  A one party system, because they are clowning their way into obsolescence.      

Anyway, the bottle has changed direction on it’s own and is rocking hips slower but further aside.

Drinks for my friends.

23 Responses to “Vangina”

  • Richard:

    Take reception to MCpAIN NOT knowing what torture is- he has tortured me and others with his stupidity for a long time. He loves war and was tortured and he thinks we should all bow down to his ego- he , like the rest of the whores who call them selves elected officials can practice unprotected sex and die a miserable death. Only say this because this is what these muts want for us. Now as far as NEWT- the only thing to like is it rimes with neuter and his former wives should- neuter him- in public and sell tickets as a pay down the debt fund raiser! RYAN- NET ETHICS LEADER FOR BLACKWATER? P.R MAN FOR RATHEON? Who knows what they are grooming this little nazi for- MOONARCH?!

  • John McCain spent more than five years as a prisoner of war during the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down and he was taken to the Hanoi Hilton. After some time in solitary confinement, relocation, and episodes of torture he was offered release. He refused it, stating that he would only leave once everyone who’d been there longer was released.

    That’s the official story from the McCain “camp” and you can verify it on Wikipedia. Naturally Wikipedia is watched and edited carefully by McCain’s “camp” so we know that’s the official story – just check out the Cultural and Political Image section.

    McCain’s public persona is very much steeped in the idea that he is an American hero. He leads with his character out front and his service to his country right along side. So, what makes him a hero?

    That sacrifice of refusing early release is a strong case. The Stolen Thunder blog agrees, specifically listing McCain’s refusal and his resistance to torture as heroic. Mike Benge says he was just following orders – everyone had been ordered not to accept early release.

    McCain’s focus on character first is another possibility for claiming the hero status. His own words describe a desire to act as an example of honour and service for everyone, especially his children. Those same words describe some quiet, everyday heroic behaviour from one of his captors. And yet many would tell you McCain lacks those very qualities. In general, the POW/MIA activist community hates him as pointed out in depth in the Phoenix New Times. Patty O’Grady of University of Tampa lays the cards on the table with some open questions. Her father was in both prison camps that McCain was in. Eric Wattree says, “A hero is one who acts with nobility of purpose, and selflessly sacrifices his life, or places his life in imminent danger to promote the interests of the nation or his comrades. That doesn’t define McCain…”

    Michael Moore (even less neutral than Wikipedia) wrote in his recent Mike’s Election Guide 2008:

    John McCain is already using the Vietnam War in his political ads. In doing so, it makes not just what happened to him in Vietnam fair game for discussion, but also what he did to the Vietnamese … I would like to see one brave reporter during the election season ask this simple question of John McCain: “Is it morally right to drop bombs and missiles in a ‘heavily populated’ area where hundreds, if not thousands, of civilians will perish?“

    So what’s the answer? Unfortunately an American presidential election is not the place to look for the truth about people. There is too much effort put into spin on both sides of the table – one of the sad parts about only having two sides to the table.

    If John McCain sacrificed his freedom for solidarity, then I would label him a hero. If John McCain lives with honour and service, then I would label him a hero. I wonder if we’ll ever know….as for Newt, need too study him more,as I’m across the pond,and the BBC tends too look on him as a joke,I don’t think I will comment quite yet until I study him more.

  • Pam Veselinovic:

    Entertaining, Mike! I enjoy reading what you write.

  • Dina Hussein Bayardo:

    I also enjoy your observations & opinions on the political circus. Some of your shit cracks me up, thnx for the laughs & Thnx for posting your work on my Fb Wall. Looking forward to your thoughts during the 2K12 elections!

  • Wonderful writing mike! Vonnegut and Bukowski are listening …..and alive!

  • Joe:

    Thanks Mike, laughed my ass off. The RACIST Teabagger are out in force with their dumb slogans, stupid arguments, etc. voting AGAINST themselves, all because of a black POTUS. Problem is, they have a rather LARGE following too. LOL! How do people GET so dumb? Reminds me of the movie Animal House…..’thank you sir, may I have another….thwack!!!….thank you sir, may I have another…….’ LOL

  • Michael Douglass:

    Yep, that’s them. Pathetic.

  • Cori Findhappiness Briggs:

    Great read! It seems I share your opinion on every topic.

  • Mary Crook:

    Good stuff Mike! 🙂

  • Nate:

    I can’t fucking wait to see the mass hysteria of the besieged white man party aka Teabaggers when election time rolls up! You think they are acting up now? Shit son, this is only the rapture they’re dealing with at the moment. Wait until Obama starts dropping presidential bombs like only a second termer can. Have to admit though it was ballsy to send in the Seals. That situation coul have easily made him a jimmycarter if it went wrong. Nice blog, first time reader, I’ll be back.

    • Michael Douglass:

      Thanks for reading. I too am anticipating some serious governing and leadership once Obama doesn’t have to be distracted by campaigning for reelection.

  • Phil rolen:

    You are one dumb s.o.b., I will pray for you

  • Meine ganz neue Page im Internet. Da blogge ich über vielen Dingen die mich beschäftigen wenn ich Zeit finde. Es macht mir Spaß zu schreiben und ich würde mich freuen wenn du meine site anschaust!

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