The Dirty South

Mayonnaise  is the most perfect condiment ever.  In the post apocalyptic future where vegetables are rare and hamburgers hard to come by, I will lament the absence of mayonnaise.  I covet that sauce so much that I hoard packets of it whenever I find them.  I suspect foil envelopes linger in the pockets of winter coats I haven’t yet worn this season.  I suspect they will probably be fresh and palatable next season and exciting like money discovered in unlikely places.

What do you say when a child asks for a sip of your wine or beer or cocktail?  You won’t like it.  You won’t understand that the part of the drink that bites is what we like because of the promise of an effervescent numbness. An end to the days events.  It frees you to say what you want.  Not what you think you think but always what you want to say.

I abuse cheese as a substance more than booze.

I lie, it’s a close second.

When I die I want to be incinerated.  I hope there’s a party.  I hope I can at least fill a room.

I’ve been thinking about this murder in Sanford Florida.  This self appointed protector.  George Zimmerman.  This would be neighborhood watch captain,  SUV warrior of the burb protecting the community from a 140 pound kid sporting a bag of Skittles and some brand of tea that’s yet to be infamous.  I had no idea about this retarded law.  MSNBC throws up a map where this insanity is the rule state by state .  I begin to understand the strange fear of certain cousins and uncles and various bigots and roundheads.  Dozens of states with the same crazy law.  This thing is walk in the park obvious.  An asshole with eyes too close together, committed first degree murder in Florida and that is that.  It was premeditated. It is murder.  George Zimmerman pursued and provoked and without that, no matter how the confrontation evolved, there would be one less dead black teenager in Florida, in America, today.  I would love to believe that Trayvon felt threatened enough by this dickhead Zimmerman that he acted under the proviso of the “Stand Your Ground ” law on his own and smacked the snot out of him before the asshole whipped out his big iron and gunned the defenseless adolescent down.  But I doubt that’s how it played out.  It is clear that Zimmerman pursued and provoked despite the clear instruction of the 911 operator.  Despite common sense or reason.  It is painfully obvious that Trayvon Martin was not engaged in any criminal activity.  He wasn’t carrying a crowbar, a hammer or even a baseball bat.  He was not armed and there was nothing to indicate he was involved in anything illegal.  Zimmerman was packing a Nine Millimeter and aching to experience what effect it would have on a “fucking coon” first hand.   I believe in capital punishment about as much as I agree with abortion, so fry the bastard or pair him up for life with a bull hung cellie named Bubba or maybe Darth.

Self defense my ass.

They drug tested the corpse but hardly questioned the murderer.

I always, always use the handicap stall.  I don’t hesitate at all in a public restroom.  I head for the big room. The wide open spaces.  The expansive veranda.  I haven’t seen a handicapped person in a public bathroom since 1966. The year after I was born.  My dad was changing me in the men’s room sink of a casino and some war veteran rolled in and emptied his bag.  I just happened to remember.  I have no fear of the handicapped.

I heard Trayvon’s mother say rather magnanimously that this wasn’t a black and white issue, but a right or wrong issue.

She is only half right because this is stanky racism.

Geraldo Rivera would instruct us all that the real culprit here is the blatantly irresponsible wearing of a hoodie by a dark skinned male.  Douchebag.  Like the woman dressed in a low cut top or a short skirt was asking for it.  Asking to be raped.   Frothy Santorum and Salamander Gingrich would have us believe that the President’s statement that if he had a son, he would look like Trayvon, is an attempt to somehow foment a nonexistent racial imperative that otherwise wouldn’t exist.  Shameless fucking blowhards.  A glistening example of why I loathe these opportunistic fuckers.  How do they sleep?

Just today, the proud leaders of Sanford commit to a low arching campaign of impugning a normal teenager’s character.  Because they are stupid.

It’s not necessary to dwell on the facts and particulars.  There was no investigation to begin with.  At it’s best it’s a hate crime.  No investigation needed.  There was none to begin with.  What we have here is a vigilante misanthrope, a racist fucktard who might just be so dumb that he fails to get the fuck out of Dodge and actually gets arrested a few days from now after the local geniuses involved figure out that they have no choice but to arrest him.  I bet that’s how plays it out. If not, the powers that be of Sanford are realistically close to being chased out with torches and pitchforks.

Or maybe not.  It did transpire in the Dirty South.

That poor kid.  Random.  Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman.   An innocent kid against a jacked up pretend neighborhood watch bigot with a hard on to matter in some desperate way.  Fire them all.  Everyone who had anything to do with it.  The sheriff, the mayor, the city manager.  Put this human puke in jail for the rest of his miserable life.  Official inquiries and investigations will only cloud what actually happened here.  It’s fucking Florida.  They can’t, won’t or are incapable of investigating jay walking.  If ever I’ve seen a reason to rush to justice, this is it.

I feel the sympathy and the outrage.  I’m horrified by the false sympathy and  manufactured outrage.  This is America.  This year of our lord, 2012.  Sometimes it looks like we haven’t learned a goddamn thing. Thank God I’m an atheist.

Goodnight Uncle Larry.  May you rest in peace.

Drinks for my friends.

34 Responses to “The Dirty South”

  • Mark Tindle:

    Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato w/ xtra mayo on white toast… The truth is no longer the issue. Maybe the conversation will change a few minds. Or maybe we’re in for more eye for an eye? …and so it goes…
    Cheese sandwich, a bowl of cherry tomatoes, and a Fresca….

  • corn:

    Favorite blog – Brainspank
    Favorite mayonnaise packet – Chik-fil-A

    Keep up the good work, sir.

  • Patricia Hauffe:

    Mr Douglass,

    I understand your passion and the points you are making in your blog, I am a 57 year old woman & I just wanted to note to you that you could reach out & touch many more people without all of your vulgarity. Even though I believe Zimmerman committed a vulgar act!I understand your anger as well. We are helpless for this kid, we can do nothing for him except, vent our frustration and anger! The ‘other’ side of this is trying to calm the waters & defend Mr. Zimmerman, giving out new information to show he was justified in his actions. What a mess. That’s enough outta me. What a mess!

    Patti Hauffe

    • Michael Douglass:

      Thank you for reading and commenting, sorry if you’re offended by my language but I’m not going to even make the usual arguments; I am what I am and this is the way I write.

      • Lisa Doherty:

        As it should be…never apologize for speaking the truth from your heart and in a very creative way may I add. Some people need to realize that words are just that, words…it’s how we use them that matters…great job sir…applause…

        • Michael Douglass:

          Thank you for saying as much. I think that words are words and this is a lesson in the difference between words and actions in just about every way.

  • Phil N. DeBlanc:

    We have much in common besides our love for Hellman’s, my friend. I fear for the world my grandkids will inherit and am always stressing how important it is to get a good education. The fuckers on the right, the “good Christians,” and their snake oil salesmen leaders are bent on bringing about the apocalypse one way or another.

    • Michael Douglass:

      It’s constantly amazing to me how many of us don’t see it. It’s so goddamn frustrating to me how these people assume and take for granted the credibility they enjoy for merely believing in an adult version of Santa Clause.

  • That one’s outta the park, pal.
    Also, get yourself some Japanese Mayo if you haven’t tried it yet.
    Best Foods is still the best food, but this stuff is a whole extra kind of awesome.

    Belts for all my pants!
    Lasagna for all my cats!
    Retards for all my cap guns!

    • Michael Douglass:

      Assless chaps for all your buttocks!

      • Isaac Wolff:

        Dancers for all my poles. And go easy on the toppings, I prefer my cow sandwiches clean and bloody.

        But not my neighbors. Especially if they have skittles. I’d rather trade them with sweettarts or starbursts than try to make a vigilante hero out of myself.

        Honestly, I think Zimmerman tried to get Martin to attack him first so that he could say it was in self-defense after shooting the kid in the face. Like he took the first homework assignment from Fight Club the wrong way. Then ran for cover behind his pappy so he didn’t get smacked on the hands with those shiny metal bands. Bigoted ass.

        • Michael Douglass:

          I’m disgusted by how they’re trying to spin this. The fact is, Zimmerman pursued and provoked, even if this 140 pound kid handed him his ass, none of this would have taken place if Zimmerman hadn’t done what he was specifically told not to and didn’t have the authority to do.

  • Laura Hubka:

    As always my friend, right on spot!

  • Jerry D. Keene:

    Excellent! I’m a man of few words, and if I could have truly expressed my feelings, expletives included, it would have been just as you did. Thank you.

  • Janet Carter:

    Fucking awesome. You nailed it Michael ! And I agree with every word. Especially the profanity. 🙂

  • deb martin:

    i like mayonaise sandwiches with a piece of sliced kraft cheese. nothing grilled for me thank you, and dr. pepper to wash it down. and zimmerman? yeah he might have had his face beaten up. by his friends on the sanford police force, so his “leaked” story could have some staged photo’s to go along with ’em. yeah he’ll get away with it, but bobby rush could not, i saw him dragged off the house floor because he was wearing a hood and THAT is simply unacceptable. but the killing of trayvon martin? it’s not only acceptable its PREFERABLE every so many years, it satisfies the urge of the haters to don sheets and HOODS.

    • Michael Douglass:

      Yeah, so have you seen the latest video from the police station? These dumbasses didn’t even have their shit together enough to stage it, so confident in their backward ass country fuck cloak of racism. This man was clearly not seriously assaulted and clearly didn’t suffer a broken nose. Now we find out his old man is a retired judge. I called it. This is what it is; a bigot killed a black man in cold blood after pursuing him and provoking him. This is fucking disgusting. I cannot believe this shit.

  • Mayo and peanut butter sandwich. Mike, the profanity doesn’t fucking bother me. If Zim would have left the young man alone as he was told; such a tragedy would not have occurred. I think of what we lost, a young life not yet realized. Drinks….

  • Julia Krauss:

    Well said my friend.. And you fucking right.. Nothing will be done, because that is how these bastards down here work. Been living in the south for many years, watched young girls get prayed on by adults, and jocks in high school… And you and I both know those bastards are still walking free..
    Just like Zimmerman will.

    • Michael Douglass:

      I feel and hear you, I lived in the south and was absolutely shocked at the racism. They’re actually so overt as to be polite about it. It is so accepted that they are open enough to be bigoted with a wink and a smile. But I think you’re wrong. This guy George Zimmerman will face the blind folded lady of justice holding a scale and he will pay.

  • Michael Douglass:

    Mayo and peanut butter? Hmmmmmm…….. I guess I’ll have to look into that. At first glance it feels and sound disgusting but the taste buds are fickle and unpredictable. And you’re right, if he just would have left him alone and not stuck his ignorant nose where it didn’t belong none of this would have happened. Thanks Jeff, you’ve become a regular.

  • Gretchen:

    I have to admit I’m sick of this topic, but you put it in just the right way…EXACTLY what I think about it. And thank ALL the fucking gods I’m an atheist too! Mayo rocks.

    • Michael Douglass:

      Thanks Gretchen 🙂 I’m not sick of it because it continues to reveal the depth of institutional racism in this country and particularly the south, layer by layer and it’s as compelling as it is fascinating.

      George Zimmerman and perhaps more importantly, the Sanford police dept. will not get away with this

  • Carrie Askren:

    i hate the idea of mayo, but couldn’t live without it. and like the other contributor, love it on a whitebread cheese sammich. i have lived in the south all of my life and the extent of racism that still exists here is remarkable. It’s interesting that the police don’t even use deadly force in confrontations with people who are unarmed, rather they restrain, or pepper spray, or wrestle, or taser; yet this guy elects to carry and use a weapon?? I have been married to a policeman here in the south for more than two decades.. he is not a racist and has served ALL of the people in his community, even those who didn’t have enough sense to know they needed help. Clearly there are some awful and foul people amongst those in Sanford, but i am reluctant to peg the entire Sanford Police Dept as racists. it sounds a little like Zimmerman, those “fucking pigs, cops,” whatever. And i wholeheartedly agree, that the truth will come out and justice is going to be served. I also feel certain there are police there who are as horrified as all of the rest of us. i don’t want to stereotype those good men and women who try to do a very difficult job everyday.

    • Michael Douglass:

      A white bread cheese sammich. I get that. I’m with ya.

      I’m not looking to impugn the police in general or the police department in Sanford in particular. What I’m saying is that this doesn’t just stink, it makes me want to puke. It’s obvious now, from the concerted front the family Zimmerman now spins like plates on sticks so clumsily, that there are an awful lot of people caught up in a huge lie.

      We now have video that tells me just about all I need to know. This motherfucker is lying out his ass and there are some conspirators.

      I am confident there are policeman that are horrified by this too. I know this because people from every walk of life are.

      Put this fuck on trial. In a court of law.


    I sent this to a pistol-packin niece in Cape Coral FL (west coast) – THIS IS A SNOB GATED COMMUNITY – IS IT NOT – WHERE THIS NEANDERTHAL (AND HIS REPO-TOADY OLD MAN) LIVED – is Sanford FL NOT the domain of Sanford & Sons, but of upper-class hoitee-toitees?

    I found this about Sanford at Wikipedia – Oxycodone diversion

    See also: Drug diversion

    Sanford has become a hub for opioid distribution and diversion in Florida, a problem that kills approximately 4,000 Floridians a year. According to the US Justice Department, last year pharmacies in Sanford, Florida ordered enough painkillers to supply a population eight times its size. Sanford has a population of 53,000 but the supply ordered would support 400,000. [5] According to the Drug Enforcement Agency, in 2010 a single CVS pharmacy in Sanford ordered 1.8 million Oxycodone pills, an average of 137,994 pills a month. Other pharmacy customers in Florida averaged 5,364 oxycodone pills a month. DEA investigators serving a warrant to a CVS pharmacy in Sanford on Oct. 18 2011 noted that “approximately every third car that came through the drive-thru lane had prescriptions for oxycodone or hydrocodone.” According to the DEA, a pharmacist at that location stated to investigators that “her customers often requested certain brands of oxycodone using street slang,” an indicator that the drugs were being diverted and not used for legitimate pain management. [6]

    • Michael Douglass:

      I can’t say I understand your point here except maybe the entire town is on dangerous prescription drugs?

      I confess to having a preference for opioid pharmaceuticals. Vicodin. Percocet. I like them. A few cocktails, some sticky green and the right pill and I’m on my favorite wing of the plane terrorizing Bill Shatner. I’m happy to still be able to spell the word pharmaceuticals.

      Drug diversion.

  • Hey old pal, I was going to email you to tell you I miss brainspank, and here you are typing new missives behind my back. Glad you shook off the block that sat on you head. Nice to catch up to your blogage. This was a nice blog about horrible assholes. You know how I feel about racism, so I won’t bother, but I don’t know if you know how I feel about Mayo. Lube is good. I’ve got this jar of cracked peppercorn mayo sitting in my fridge that is calling my name right now thanks to you. I believe the mad scientist down at the Kraft factory put it together. I’m just going to slather it on an old sock and nurse it down between sips of apple cider vinegar. Tart. Vulgar. I’ll be checking the ‘spank’ regularly. Good to know you are back at it. And about the vulgarity: It’s a vulgar world. Someones gotta teach the kids to curse. Jesus Christ it’s hot in here.
    I Miss you.
    CH- Holy batfuck, I just remembered I have a fucking Christmas present for you. What an ass am I. You will be getting some fun mail soon…

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