Archive for the ‘Bill Maher’ Category

Today the DOJ, in support of the DOMA  (Defense Of Marriage Act), issued a brief using language invoking pedophilia and incest, eerily reminiscent of the vituperation vomited by the religious right ad nauseum since the dawn of the cerebral cortex.

Puns intended.

So much for change.

I don’t care if Obama was aware of this or not.  The only acceptable action here is swift, unambiguous refutation.  Obama and his administration need to get in front of this crap like yesterday.  It’s not just bullshit, it’s madness.  Best case scenario is Obama talking about this before I get out of bed.  The time difference alone gives him a hell of a head start.  Time to show me something Mr. Fierce Defender.

Enough.

Let this pass at your peril.  Hope will turn to doubt.

While we’re on the subject of Our Man, I was none too thrilled by the glaring omissions in his remarks in front of the AMA today.  It was a good speech, but no substantive reckoning that big pharma and big insurance are hopelessly infected by avarice and therefore ground zero for reform and regulation.  No mention of what an inefficient, bureaucratic clusterfuck the FDA is.  These items are at the very root of the problem and no reform has a chance at efficacy without force being brought to bear on them.

Blowing up balloons with holes in them.

The sad truth lies in the why.  Along with the AMA, pharmaceutical and insurance companies are championed by some of the biggest and most influential lobbying cabals in Washington.  If there were stars on K street or Pennsylvania Avenue like Hollywood Boulevard, two thirds of them would be dedicated to these filthy bastards.  For all you sniveling morons who live in such fear of communism, here is a bonafide  Red Menace for you.

Welcome to the plutocracy.  This thing is way bigger than just stubborn Republicans.

Along with energy, campaign finance reform and the military industrial complex, these are the windmills I expect Our Man to be tipping.  That’s why I voted for him.

We loves us some Bill Maher.  Maher said the other night in his New Rules segment:  “…..I’m glad that Obama is president, but the “Audacity of Hope” part is over. Right now, I’m hoping for a little more audacity”.

Me, I’m looking for those balls of zirconia  I thought I glimpsed on the campaign trail.  Dude, please don’t Jimmy Carter us.

Remember how I was pissing and moaning about pumps on lotion and soap bottles not long ago?  Well, for the record, adding water to any of the soap dispensing ones is pretty viable.

Sometimes I think all Americans are either corrupt or stupid.  Often both, but rarely neither.

Drinks for my friends.

So I’m sitting here today in my monkey suit, getting ready to go to the bank to bang out a proposal with the Evil Lance. I’ve been chasing this merchant for months. It’s a comic book shop. His name is Cat.

I was in the middle of reading truthout.org and and the place went quiet. Everything blinked off. The bastards at DWP had cut off my power.

My girlfriend walks out of the bathroom to say “You paid the power bill?”

I break a sweat. This has never happened before.

It’s really ok. I have the money. I was just being stupid frugal and retarded reluctant to pay a bill. Being poor makes you brave. Still, it’s more than a little discomfitting. My first thought is about what a dick I am because I made mad cash this month.

I go to the bank and make a big deposit. Call up DWP and pay the bastards. Call the other department of DWP and give them the confirmation number and they say by five p.m., power restored.

Get me a a couple chili cheese dogs with mayonnaise, mustard and onions. This is why poor folks are fat. I blame society. I cut a check for my rent and drop it off. The manager is this cool guy named Antonio. He smiles and shakes my hand. First time I’ve paid rent on time in months.

I go to my bank, the Evil Lance and his wife, mother in law and daughter are there, along with my significant other, the new guy we will refer to as GQ Todd, the Lovely Linda and the hot new receptionist. Ken, the head fromage is nowhere. The Evil Lance has done my homework for me. I get a folder with the proposal, the original statement and a printout of the ACH statement for money I’m being paid on a previous deal that will hit my account on Monday.

It’s a sweet chunk of change.

I threaten the daughter of the Evil Lance with cannibalism. I tell her to bring me butter and pepper. I demand a giant fork and tell her that her ankles will be chewey. She is gorgeous and I am charmed.

I come home and there’s an ominous yellow notice on the door. Mine heart doth sink. I’ve just figured out how to buy enough gin for the weekend and I felt like I may have fooled the world once again.

I walk into a dark silent apartment. I go on the balcony for a smoke and to read the ominous yellow tag. Turns out I just need to go get my security gaurd buddy to open up the meter room so we can flip the switch. After all, I’m paid up. I, we, do that. He’s the same guy who gives me the stink eye through the peephole when my shit is way too loud.

So yeah, today worked out well.

Then the news from the State Supreme Court of Iowa.

What a swell little gem. In Iowa of all places, we get a State Supreme Court stocked with Republicans to pretty much vociferously defend marriage between anybody who really wants to. The decision respected and actually honored the the concept and spirit of civil rights.

Watershed.

Iowa. The one state in the union where you dare not sell a bong. Wow.

We are changing.

Just look at the world stage today. Barack Hussein Obama and First Lady Michelle. Europe sees Jackie and Jack. They are abroad doing the absolute best they can to represent the rest of us. They are proud because we are or should be. They are humble because Americans have walked face first into humility.

Although I worry, I’m sure the ratio of smart Americans vs. stupid is in our favor. If you had to repeat that sentence to yourself, you’re not one of us.

They begin to repair the damage. The Obama’s show up in front of the people who need and want to see them. They show up at every chance they are afforded to distill themselves and what America is instead of what Europe has seen for the last eight years. Our knuckles don’t drag.

Bill Maher scores an interview with Joe The Plumber. Oh me oh my. See what I’m saying?

Drinks for my friends.

We’re fucked.

In the past few months the market has lost forty seven percent of it’s value. Unemployment is a vertical dragrace. A precipitous ascent. These two items represent America’s testicles. The market and jobs is our nutsack. Balls meet vise.

There’s probably not a single business in this country that could weather a near fifty percent reduction in revenue and stay afloat. America, and the globe, are in huge trouble. We are in a free fall. I’m glad I have a place to go. There’s room for my stereo. Barely. Limited growing season, but that might change.

Bill Maher said that he always knew Dumbya had one giant fuck up left in him. Here it is on a platter. The mother of them all. Saved the worst for last. Where are the neocons on this anyway? Where the hell is Dumbya and Darth? Fucking clowns aren’t gonna do shit. They’ll wait it out and then take a walk.

A long time coming. Decades. Any fool with common sense understood our lifestyle wasn’t sustainable. The raw material we consume. The resources we exhaust and the pollution we spew.

I’m a little pissed my generation has to bear the burden. It matters not where the bodies are buried. If your at all curious, check your own backyard. Pervasive.

No one single action will solve this debacle. There is no magic bullet. We are in for a very long night.

Get ready, things are about to change.

Having said that, we need to tip the fuck out of Iraq and seriously slash defense spending. Pay the troops, take care of the vets, maintain infrastructure and walk away from everything else. Sounds drastic and it is, but once the DOW dropped below eight thousand and stayed there, the theoretical bottom disappeared.

This will take a decade at least.

Our Man is bequeathed a shitstorm of extraordinary magnitude. A cat five economic hurricane. I worry that he’ll spend his first term putting his fingers in holes as opposed to being able to move us forward. No matter what, the blood will make it to the stairs. Americans are impatient and stupid and I worry they’ll see it as an ineffective Presidency.

Bleak, bleak, bleak.

I’ve got ER on the plasma with the sound off and see that it’s pretty much the same. I learn US Attorney General Mukasey took a dive at the podium in front of the federalists. I see that gas prices are looking for bottom. This is not good news. Bear witness as the harbingers of doom testify.

It’s not just that we’ll be poorer. My ass is broke. I’ll find my own way out. I can deal with that. It’s the inevitable atrophy of society that gives me pause. Crime and corruption will enjoy a renaissance. We will be less safe from ourselves, never mind the mythical terrorists.

Get ready for an army of homeless. Abandoned vehicles. Fire. Food shortages. Fuel shortages.

See, I’m not looking to lower expectations, it’s just that the complexity and severity of what we all face is a long fast moving train with brakes that will take awhile. We might just aspire to counting ourselves lucky if we’re treading in the same water we are today four years from now. It may just look like a victory come 2012.

It’s bad.

Official brainspank prediction is that markets rebound enough tomorrow to prevent mass suicide this weekend. At least a few hundred points, probably four or five. Get ‘er up over eight.

See what I’m saying?

Drinks for my friends.

Seriously. Secretary of State. I’m on board. She’s a junior Senator under Chuck Schumer, looking at a long road to affect the kind of change to which she clearly aspires.

In a heavy drawer, rattling and gleaming with talent, HillRod might just might be the sharpest dagger.

This, a window open, a glance makes it obvious what potential stirs inside. An instance where Hillary and yes, Bill, could impact and influence the shape of the world to come. Who better to do such from that office? A necessity if we are to survive, much less prosper. The depth and breadth of influence and expertise team Billary would bring is huge. They blow into the casino with an intimidating pile of chips and all the dealers happy to see them.

The world knows it and you do too.

I beseech you, oh Billary, to take this gig. Your country needs you. Several months ago I wrote a blog detailing my cabinet picks for an Obama administration. Among my choices were Big Bad Bill for the most venerated of posts.

I stand by that. The Clinton brand being appointed to Secretary of State is second perhaps only to that of Our Man being elected Commander in Chief in terms of gravity around the world and whatnot. I don’t believe I’ve ever even typed the word “whatnot” before. Weird.

The official brainspank endorsement for Secretary of State goes to Hillary Clinton. C’mon Hills, you wanna change the world or not?

Dan Savage is becoming a celebrity. Good for him.

Now is not the time to fuck around. No ego, no hubris. On the other hand, think of the Clinton legacy if you must. Just take the gig. You would rock it.

Guess what? Barack Obama has been elected and he’s so fucking cool!

“Take that Canada……….your head of state is a boring white dude named Stephen Harper, and mine is a kick ass black ninja named Barack Hussein Obama!” -Bill Maher

It’s getting better all the time.

Drinks for my friends.

*new nickname alert

So it begins.

What a shame.

We were expecting it weren’t we?

They set to sea to plumb the depths for the next twenty eight days. Oh boy. I knew it would piss me off.

Governor Avon Lady* accused Our Man of “palling around with a domestic terrorists”, today. She refers of course, to Bill Ayers.

Our Man served on the same board, that of a charity for public schools. He was chairman. Yes, there were other associations but at the end of the day:

“……the two men do not appear to have been close. Nor has Mr. Obama ever expressed sympathy for the radical views and actions of Mr. Ayers, whom he has called “somebody who engaged in detestable acts 40 years ago, when I was 8.” -NYT

Ayers is currently a respected and esteemed professor at the University of Illinois in Chicago. He’s been praised by Richard M. Daley as a valuable community leader. I would posit that to be a more dubious connection than Ayers to Obama.

We likes us some Daley, his father gave JFK command of the ship.

I hear Moosewoman is attemtping to resurrect the by now rotting corpse that was the Reverend Wright controversy. Yet another pale and very dead horse exhumed for flogging.

Fucking silly.

All painfully obviated in predictability. Easier to foresee than events subsequent to sticking any given digit or protuberance into a household electrical outlet. Just like fucking with the Jack Link’s Sasquatch. Outcome inevitability, off the scale.

Why?

Because on the issues, Doubtfire and What’s Her Name own the political equivalent of not even dick. They have nothing. They do not have dick.

He’s a terrorist, he’s a muslim, he’s a nigger! Good God, run for the hills. Steadfast family values and the enrichment of a small percentage of white people are at stake. Contact your local militia. Don’t talk to any Jews or Black people even if they tell you they’re voting McFuckstain*. Whatever you do, ignore the issues. Don’t tolerate any discussion regarding the economy, the war etc.

The message is clear, our rapidly imploding economy and potential global warfare and strife are not what’s important. What IS important is our way of life, hand in hand with good Christian acts and zero tolerance of anyone remotely different. Without food or gas maybe.

It doesn’t matter that McCain provided enthusiatic oral relief to Charles Keating in exchange for cash and prizes two plus decades after William Ayers protested the Vietnam war. It’s irrelevant that McFuckstain and his champion economic adviser, Phil Gramm, were the self appointed laureates of deregulation.

Here’s what we need to keep our eye on. The next President is going to inherit a ship with sales so tattered, she can barely catch enough wind to steer. A hull so compromised, she rides lower by the day. A crew so demoralized, if they ever see land again, they’ll all find counseling before they look for water.

If you’re among the rare, pink eyed albino undecided voters, you need to study this vessel and who you think can handle preventing it from becoming an aimless spectre. A ghost ship.

So, your skiff is no longer in this regatta. No excuse to throw your vote away. Unfortunately, third party alternatives are still a waste of energy. Now is not the time to stand on principle at the expense of pragmatism. Man up and pick the lesser of two evils. We’ve been doing it for years. This time, one is way less evil, far smarter and far more sincere than the other. A good man that just might change the way we look at ourselves on top of being able to slow or maybe halt this march to madness.

Wouldn’t that be swell?

Do you really want to risk being called a pussy for the next four years while we suffer under the other man flirting with the ethereal? One who will likely cross over into that realm while President, thereby abdicating the chair to a successful Avon Lady? Seriously? Fuck Ron Paul and Ralph Nader. Sheezus.

Let it go.

*New nick-name alert, the first supplied by Bill Maher, the latter hatched by own evil and diseased brain.

Drinks for my friends.

Last night, I met a man named Elmer Pinto. He was recovering from an injury. I would describe him as swarthy.

I really like blood orange juice.

My girlfriend, not so much. This works in my favor. The penalty is heartburn.

I’ve become somewhat of a banker. The worst part is the monkey suit. Kenneth Cole baby.

All the sudden I’m doing mad math. That part of my brain is dusty and smells of moths and tadpoles in a bucket of stinking algae.

I’m not at all confused by this financial bronco, bucking and foaming with mad eyes. Destroying everything. I’ve been predicting it for years. It makes complete sense to me. Walk in the park. I understood that under Dick-in-Bush, the idea of an “ownership society” was complete crap. An absolute lie.

Our Man has known it for quite some as well. He’s been talking about this fallacy for years. Same as me. Great minds think alike. We don’t miss the obvious.

I watched Bill Maher tonight and learned that white women in America can be counted on to be abject bimbos, this includes Sarah Palin. Forgive me but this Palin phenomena is inexcusable. It’s a goddamn farce and her pantsuit is as empty as Dumbya’s Armani.

I never cared about the charges of sexism. It’s bullshit. She sucks and anyone with half a brain knows it. I won’t even contemplate an apology. She’s done nothing, been nowhere and doesn’t know shit. I know intelligent people that are buying it. I can’t figure it.

Join me. Be wary of it all. Be suspicious. Be incredulous. At least be fucking confused.

We’ve gone almost eight years under leadership by a suit painfully empty. Painfully empty. No responsible course of action on any major issue. Everything, every aspect of every major issue they chose to engage, has turned to shit. Inept, misguided, out of touch and criminal. Not necessarily in that order. It has all gone to shit.

How did we get here?

On a ship of fools. A trillion fucking dollars and we have no choice. No choice. Exponentially more severe than the S&L nightmare and the tech bubble. We’re hearing comparisons to the Great Depression from the mainstream media. Fuck me. Fuck you. We’re about to be a third world country.

So let’s keep spending a half a billion a day in Iraq. Great idea. For what again? Tell me why we’re there?

Johnny Deregulation and his Prince of peril, Phil Gramm have more fingers in this pie than the entire Democratic party. His suggestion was to commission a study. Yep, Doubtfire took the absolutely audacious and brazen step of proposing we look a bit harder at it. Get some eggheads in here to tell us what we already know. Brilliant.

Krugman on Maher says we’re fucked for a while. Krugman from the NYT and Princeton, is the real deal, tells it like it is. Naomi Klein says we’ve simply moved the disaster from Wall Street to Main Street. A debt that will explode on you and I. Count on it.

This is gonna suck.

Andrew Sullivan looks thinner to me. A gay conservative Republican who talks a lot of sense.

I loves me some Bill Maher. I hear he’s an arrogant prick. I don’t doubt it. A lead singer with lead singer disease. Moving right along.

Then there’s the notion of Mr. Obama for President.

You know, forgive me for oversimplifying, but what we have here is fear. It is fear of guilt. The older you are, the more likely you have participated in actual racism. Maybe you just tolerated it, but the fear among America’s middle aged and older is genuine. Many of them know they have behaved badly and they are afraid. Very reluctant to own it. Get over it you spineless pricks.

There it is. That is what we’re up against.

The idea that they’re willing to buy Sarah Palin and Doubtfire hook, line and sinker is proof of the rampant stupidity that infects them.

It is regoddamndiculous.

I know I’ve been here before. To warn you. Here I am again. To warn you. Help me out here. Let me know you’re listening, Tell me you’re passing it along. Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, work with me? Please.

It just doesn’t get any more important than this.

Drinks for my friends.

I say without equivocation, certainly without apology, Bill Maher rocks. His show, the format, the concept and the man. New Rules is consistently brilliant. No exception tonight. And it’s entertaining. Wow.

I understand he’s an arrogant bastard. Oh well.

How much my perception and enthusiasm have to do with the fact there was only one douchebag on the panel and he was an authentic douchebag? I just can’t say.

Toss him some government cheese for pointing out how absurd it was for Tenet to get the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Snatch it from him for neglecting to mention Franks and Bremer.

The graph and measure of my fanhood for Janeane Garofalo is far from pretty, but she was on like a pyrex bong. Smarter and more aggressive than the aforementioned douchebag, a journalist for the Wall Street Journal named John Fund. No shit, that’s his name. Get it?

She described Republicans, using the example of the RNC, as unrestrained id that throws red meat out for the dopes. That’s hot. She also shouted, “that’s such unbelievable bullshit”. It matters not at all what she was talking about. She bared teeth and drew her sword.

This guy Fund smiled an idiot smile, obfuscated and attempted to patronize and condescend until the bell. He came off, despite his best efforts, precisely like a douchebag.

Bill brought in Roseanne at the end. She was shrill, opinionated, sarcastic. aggressive and completely on the money. Absolutely right.

The show opened with Paul Begala explaining to us that what Axlerod and Our Man have been doing is similiar to that scene in Braveheart where Mel Gibson is telling his men to hold. Hold. Hold……..and then he lowers his sword. The Scots commence to open a giant keg of whoop ass on the English. These are my people you know. My ancestors.

I hope so.

This race will be far more entertaining, maybe even more aesthetically rich and dense like cheescake, satisfying like sushi and beer, if Begala is right. I hope so, because it’s also absolutely necessary. I’m over being the pussy party. Outsmart them and hand them their asses too.

Tired, tired, tired of this shit.

Salman Rushdie bats a good clean up and Maher fields the ball whenever Fund gets his bat on it. A couple times, Maher fired it back hard from the infield and hit the smug prick in the mouth. He kept his composure, still it was gorgeous.

Roseanne walked on at the end to throw nothing but beanballs. She only shut up for Bill and spent the rest of her time throwing hard at the douchebag’s head. This too, was gorgeous.

After this week’s media, I welcome the actual pummeling of any mealy mouthed conservative with a cartoon fucking grin. Every successful Republican has one of those unrealistically false grins. Imagine Romney or the rictus on Guilliani. Like they’re drawn on. Like a cartoon. Except Cheney. He hasn’t actually smiled since his late twenties, when he learned to masturbate. Prick.

All four heart attacks, he was found with pants around ankles, both hands on his johnson. Darth’s pet name for his trouser twninkie is Lyndon Baines. I made this last part up.

Maher’s point about cynicism being when you say shit, despite knowing better than the dumb people, you still say it because the dumb people will buy it and they can get you elected, made me somewhat tumid. I couldn’t agree more. Tumescence.

What’s happening here is a collision between the smart and the stupid. A clash brought on by the profound differences in our candidates. Both ideologically, and how they are perceived as people. How people identify with them. The bright and the dim.

Methinks it’s a jacked up set of circumstances.

How much does that suck? The good fight is for the hearts and minds of the willfully ingnorant and the garden variety dipshits. Shameful, and not only because it’s never been won solely with truth and honesty. Yet it hasn’t. Ever. There’s just too goddamn many of them. The ignorant, the willfully ignorant and the masses unclean. They don’t read and they pay only passing respect to awareness.

The righteous rarely prevail in contemporary American politics because of the naivete of adhering to and believing in, justice, honor and integrity.

As I write this, the evil bastards are competing and maybe winning by ignoring the issues save to lie about them. I’ve seen this my entire adult life. I read conservative blogs, watch Hannity and listen to Limbaugh. I know precisely how they do it. If I’m not able see a few moves ahead, I know where to look. I seek the words of the intellectually irresponsible.

Why can’t the good fight do this? Why won’t they? Doubtfire is as dirty as a pig and Palin is the lipstick. Our Man pointed it out on Letterman.

I think what’s been missing here is a willingness to throw hands. Kerry sucked and Gore wasn’t much better. They both rolled around till the Republicans found the wet spot. Either one of the Clintons will kick an ass if given the chance and that’s why they have been so successful. They will light you up just to remind you. When a Republican begins to spit they know to make a fist. Far from perfect these two, but there are lessons to be learned under even the smallest of stones.

Billary are still the biggest boulders in the Democratic party.

Put them out front as shock troops if they agree. They will. Our Man and his people need to take notes. I’d hate to see the most important election in the history of this country decided by the party most willing to punch balls. Yet it’s at least a requisite factor in any modern campaign strategy. Be ready and willing to swing straight for the sack.

I’m not seeing enough of this from my side. I smell vagina. I smell kittens, tofu and arugula, sauvignon blanc and a mild gorgonzola. Our stereotype sucks. Rednecks are known for a willingness to throw down. A liberal would then get a restraining order and sue the redneck. I know, I’m a liberal.

We need to start swinging, because this shit is fucked up and idiots aren’t bad people, they’re just idiots.

Back burner defense, get offensive. Get in faces. Palin and McCain are plenty vulnerable and they clearly don’t know shit about defending themselves. They are wide fucking open. Ducks in repose.

Don’t be afraid to punch the mouthy hick in the balls. You can’t change his mind so attempt to disable him.

I imagine Doubtfire has a handle on this kinda fuckery after 2000. I think he was most seduced by the concept of ‘attack with fuses burning’. Preemptive without regret. The Bush Doctrine. He’s not so stupid as to not understand the size and fierceness of such sociopathic apparatus the evil empire has at it’s disposal.

You know, he’s hired every one of them that visited it upon him back then.

He knows the machine. It ate him. Crapped him out. Now he’s it’s bitch all over again. Unfuckingbelievable.

Tell me you can’t see it.

With Palin, the seduction of McCain is complete. It is done. He has compromised the last of his values. He’s no longer worth a goddamn nickel.

Can’t you tell?

The good news is, both of these flowing like menstrual carbuncles are spectacularly vulnerable from the rear. Doubtfire has been penetrated before but it’s been eight years and they work for him now.

Time for fists. Vulnerable from the rear.

Drinks for my friends.

A cautionary tale.

Had Hitler had not suffered from the delusional ganduer of acute and chronic hubris, we might be speaking German these days. The Germans were way on the nuclear tip. Their rocket technology and know how was far beyond what anyone else understood. They pounded the shit out of London with the V2. They were mere months away from a jet aircraft.

Hitler took on Russia in the winter. Napolean made a similar mistake more than two hundred years before. Russia was Hitler’s demise. Napolean’s as well. Pride and stupidity all the way around.

We lost, as a country, over half a million men in WWII. Lives. Russia spent somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty million. Lives. Twenty million lives.

All I know about Korea is it was ugly and we gained nothing. Net zero. Wait, a pretty good TV show. And Kim Jong-il, he’s the best whackjob on the international stage. I bet the military industrial folks were happy.

Vietnam saw us lose over fifty thousand. Lives. Who really knows the number of Vietnamese lives lost? Millions of Vietnamese lives.

Iraq has seen over four thousand American lives lost, but by some estimates as many as a million Iraqi lives. Lives.

I’m telling you this because it’s relative. It’s relevant.

Vietnam was at best, a misguided idea. The bad idea was allowed to become a huge mistake. The only benefit was enjoyed by the military industrial complex. Ike warned us a decade before but it didn’t take.

The rain falls on the just and the unjust alike.

I’m just gonna skip to a point. WWII was a bloody, horrible conflict. A proud German populace sought to rise above a flogging by the world after the first big stupid war and ended up wading into cruel and vicious zealotry. Evil reared it’s disgusting head. Japan came along and America had itself a war of epic proportions.

As near as I can tell, we had no choice. What we did was impressive. We mechanized all available industrial capability and trained millions to fight and build the engines of war inside of a few years. America didn’t sacrifice the lives or pay the price other countries did, but we were awesome. Pivotal. We got together as a country.

We still paid a heavy price.

It was a good thing, don’t forget, something for which there was no other choice.

As far as I know, WWII is the last just war we fought.

Let’s talk about this one.

Iraq.

They can’t define victory for this scenario because for an occupation, no defintion of victory exists. How to win an occupation? No answer. If there was a definition of victory to be had at all, it would be the public lynching of Saddam. Found him in a hole. Long time ago. Hung him. Been there, done that. Killed his sons. A shameful hour of amateurism. Sad, crude and ugly.

Don’t go all hawk on me. He was a complete bastard that deserved the taste of his own blood.

You know, war is way more fucked up than any of us who haven’t particiapted can possibly understand. That’s why it’s so devastatingly awful, so tragic and insane when war happens for reasons stupid or none at all.

Reasons for this war in Iraq are bogus or not at all.

Imagine being lucky enough to be one of the millions of Iraqis driven from your home as opposed to perishing inside it. Now, if you have the resources, your only option is a foreign country. The only possible safety. Ninety eight percent of these people didn’t ask for this and don’t deserve it.

It is without a doubt, the stupidest thing we’ve ever done. Most Americans are not even aware of the damage wrought. Cities reduced to rubble and the suffering and the blood and death and the horror. American families never again to see sons, daughters, husbands, wives, fathers and mothers.

The world reels, slaps it’s forehead and collapses into a chair. Much of the world, our fellow humans, don’t understand at all.

For what? WMD? An imminent threat that could come in the shape of a mushroom cloud? These jackasses so goddamn inept they didn’t even bother to stage some miraculous discovery to justify such madness. I was convinced they’d contrive some WMD epiphany.

By the way, where the fuck are Condi and Darth? I get nervous when we can’t see what their up to.

What I’m trying to point out here, is that when war is waged for reasons unjust, the end result will never be viewed as any kind of victory by any definition. It’s impossible. America is in the middle of right this now.

Once again, the only benefit enjoyed is by private military and security contractors, and well, the newest wrinkle in global conflict, big oil and the rest of Dick-in-Bush’s filthy friends. This at the expense of well over ten billion dollars a month when you factor the vigorish. Your children will be be paying this debt and the vig for decades. Ask yourself and your friends for what?

For fucking what?

It’s enough to make me projectile vomit with a velocity that allows for not but a fine mist of regurgitate to spot my liberal pinko blouse. A little soda water and I’m as good as new.

This all brings us to the goddamn surge. Far too much gravitas is afforded here. I’m getting sick and tired of Doubtfire taking credit for saving Iraq. It is not saved, safe or won by any means. What it is, is stupid.

A movement dubbed the “Anbar Awakening” among Sunnis in direct opposition to Al-Qaeda in Iraq began in early 2006. The tribes got together to decide enough is enough. They also announced that “this sucks”. They began to cooperate with each other and America.

The United States Government is paying between a hundred and a hundred and fifty thousand Sunni fighters about $300 a month to abstain from engaging US forces and otherwise stop stirring the shit. Part of the deal includes the Sunnis being integrated in to the emerging Iraq infrastructure and new Iraqi government.

This all pre-dates the surge by six months or so.

The crippling flaw is the the abscence of an emerging infrastructure and a vacuum of new government.

Dick-in-Bush have signed a lease that guarantees participation in this clusterfuck for years to come. We walk away and those Sunnis run amok. Chaos, destruction and the stink of death take on a whole new momentum and meaning.

Maher posits the Americans have become so narcisisstic that we expect our President to be just like us. Stupid and underinformed. It’s not so much about Race with Our Man, Americans are reluctant to vote for anyone smarter than them. Fuck me. I want a President that can whoop my ass in a game of chess, checkers, maybe Monopoly or Chutes and fucking Ladders.

Hey McCain, fuck you and your fucking surge. Tell the truth and stop wearing the one unpopular thing you’ve done in a decade as some preposterous badge of honor. You sir, are an idiot. Not so much for the sheer size of the whopper lies you foist upon us, but I pray stupid enough to underestimate an average American’s capacity for the bullshit they represent.

Stop prentending you couldn’t or wouldn’t sell us out. You already have.

You’re a dick.

My threshold of awe is only consistently breached by the fact that Doubtfire is still competive in the polls. Unbelievable.

Imagine what a third world war will look like.

Drinks for my friends.

Doubtfire can’t seem to keep his withered manhood from beneath his corrective footwear. Just last week he called for the “exploitation” of America’s offshore and enviromentally sensitive areas for drilling. A top economic adviser to McCain, Phil Graham, said we were in a “mental recession” and a nation of “whiners”. Bootlicker continues to joke about bombing Iran.

He’s doing great. Let’s have a parade. They’re better be midgets and firetrucks.

Methinks his diaper hath sprung a leak.

An exemplary performance most likely the harbinger of an inevitable conclusion.

I’m inclined to believe it’s no longer premature to offer my ideal choices for Our Man’s cabinet.

The thing to remember is this. Our Man, upon winning the most important contest in the history of civilization, will also own, arguably, the worst position of any American President ever. He’s walking into a cave as dark as any in the history of this country.

His road will be of asinine yet lethal burlesque.

Secretary of State:
The apogee of any diplomatic career, my pick is Big Bad Bill. There simply is no man more gifted and revered on the world stage than William Jefferson Clinton. I don’t give a mad fuck about his stumbles on this most recent sojourn as his wife’s campaign surrogate. The prodigous talent this man is able to visit upon any scenario makes the former President an obvious choice as well as one to ignore at our peril in times as serious as these. Bill Clinton qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Jimmy Carter, Andy Griffith was always so reasonable and Joe Walsh would clown the world and play blistering solos.

Secretary of the Treasury:
Bill Gates. The world’s richest man understands money. He owns trends. He gets it. The Feds took over IndyMac the other day. FDIC payouts will be as much as $8 billion. There’s Fannie and Freddie crashing on the rocks. Those two go down and it won’t be too different than a small nuke in a major city.

Hang the rich.

Alternates include my friend Jim Labinski, Gene Hackman, Ben Vereen, Lorne Green and Jim Beam.

Attorney General:
Walk in the park. My mother pointed it out. Edwards. A lawyer who’s adept at kicking the shit out of some pretty big boys. Nice and liberal. Wads of charisma. He’s Bobby goddamn Kennedy. John Edwards qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Ironman, Judge Judy, people who collect beans and Negrodamus.

Secretary of Defense:
Wes Clark. Four stars, West Point valedictorian and Rhodes Scholar. I love the word secdef. He’s my pick for secdef. It’ll have to wait, I’ve got a meeting with the secdef. See what I’m saying?

Seems like a good guy. We liberals want our military leaders to smile a lot and have nice eyes. We also like it when they’re whip fucking smart and battle experienced with nearly spotless records. General Wesley Clark qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Runner up: Colin Powell. Yep, seriously. A good man and a smart one.

Alternates include Furnell Chapman, Ernest T. Bass, auntjudy.com and Bilbo Baggins.

Secretary of Energy:
Al Gore. Hey everybody! Let’s have an energy policy! Fuckin A! Seriously. Why are we fucking Iraq? Oil. Why are we fucking ourselves? Oil. Why are we fucked? Oil. Duh. I got one syllable for ya. Sun. Nevermind that it makes wind and everything else possible. See what I’m saying? Albert Gore qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Kurt Vonnegut, John Steinbeck, any civilian on COPS, Nikola Tesla and Barney Fife.

Secretary of Homeland Security:
What I’m looking for here is one of those three part names with the word VON in the middle. Wernher Von Braun, for example. We all know this position is a shallow history of dipshits. Joe Biden is an intelligent hothead. Wish I had better for him but he’s my choice. He’s smart and he loathes bullshit.

Alternates include Fred Flinstone for sheer mental prowess, Donna Summer for Disco Lemonade, Larry Flynt for a golden wheelchair and enormous genitals.

Secretary of the Interior:
Willie Nelson. He’ll legalize pot on all government lands and convert every forest service/state park vehicle to biodiesel. There would be a national hootenanny every summer solistice.

Alternates include Newman and Redford, Cheech & Chong, and the Smothers Brothers.

Secretary of Education:
My ultimate preference would have been George Carlin but he’s since taken the dirt nap. Posthumous. I guess I’ll go with Gore Vidal. He’s smart, crazy, gonna die soon and I like his priorities. Wait, Noam Chomsky!

Alternates include Al Bundy, Mr. Spock, Henry Rollins and Alex Trebek

Secretary of Health and Human Services:
Dr. Sanja Gupta. Handsome, charismatic, smart and charming.

Alternates include Dr. Dean Edell and Dr. Drew Pinsky.

Director of the National Drug Control Policy:
Bill Maher. This one’s painfully obvious. Reverse this ridiculous obfuscation they choose to label policy. It’s unconscionable. America incarcerates more people per capita than any nation on earth and it’s because of hundreds of thousands of nonviolent drug offenders who aren’t criminals when they enter the prison system but sure as fuck are when they get out. An absurd and failed attempt at social engineering. It doesn’t work. It never had a chance.

Mankind has sought to self medicate since before it was even a possibility. It’s like shoving abstinence down the throats of American teenagers. No possibility for efficacy, no chance ever. It’s counterintuitive, misguided and in opposition to basic human instinct.

It’s a fundamental cudgel for oppression by our government and really fucking stupid.

Alternates include Snoop, Adam Corolla, Lee Van Cleef and Willie Nelson.

White House Chief of Staff:
Jon Stewart. Duh. He’d also be White House press secretary. I’d swoon at the podium in a non gay way. Mancrush. He’d tell us the truth and crack us up whenever his boss fucks up. He’d be allowed to bring his writers with him.

Alternates include Sean Penn, Cris Rock and Lewis Black. Lewis Black……….oooooooohh.

Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency:
Dennis Kucinich. When a Supreme Court vacancy occurs, he’s the man. He carries the Constitution on his person. Otherwise he’d run the shit out of the EPA. Smart, honest, principled. He’ll do the right thing. He’ll fuck shit up. Between his pasty white thighs dangle testes made of zirconia. Bitch. This would be good. Dennis qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Al Gore, John Mellencamp and Don Henley.

Secretary of Transportation:
Ed Begley Jr. Ed knows. Ed cares. Ed will tear shit up. This would be good. Ed qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Robbie Knievel, Dave Grohl and Scotty from Star Trek because he operates the transporter. Well, we’re both Scotsman.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs:
Anthony Zinni. We need an intelligent hawk in this office. He’s accomplished. Degree in economics from Villanova. Tough. Four stars and tons of experience. Opposed to at least the prosecution of the war in Iraq. Got fired for it. I’m going out on a limb but I think he’s a man of logic and compassion. Anthony qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Maj. Gen. Paul Eaton, Maj. Gen. John Batiste, Brig. Gen. John Johns, Navy Vice Adm. David Richardson……….no shortage of good men to oversee the right thing.

Secretary of Agriculture:
What we need here is someone adamantly anti ethanol. Fuel from corn is just dumb. It’s a destructive crop. Bad for the soil. Tons of pesticides It’s only redeeming quality is that it tastes good and it can be made into whiskey. It’s like twice the resources/energy to produce as it ends up producing. There’s already chaos on the world food market as a result of incremental increases in it’s production. Why are we so goddamn stupid? We need an enforcer. A sonofabitch.

That sonafabitch is Chuck Norris. He is what we lack in government. He’s a goddamn Republican, but a grown man that is capable and willing to roundhouse kick other men in the head. Chuck Norris did not slide from a common vagina. He was borne of the ultimate mother. Mother Earth. He will fight for you harder than Larry H. Parker.

Alternates include Bruce Willis, Spiderman, spaghetti western banditos and Sgt. Joe Friday.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development:
Dumbya. He needs to see what he has wrought at least five days a week. The damage he’s done to the average American family as well as the madness he’s unleashed on those families with soldiers in Iraq or dead or wounded from Iraq.

Brains scarred with or without a head wound.

Astounding, to behave as though you’ve done nothing but act in our best interest. I doubt a man as stupid even as you, could believe anything remotely resembling that sort of madness. It’s okay Georgie boy. you’ll be the titular head, a position so familiar, it’s all you know. Loser.

No worries, we’ll surround him with genuine talent to show him smart people who care against the worthless ones he hired. He’s a dog in a talent show. “Brownie” can be your office boy. Rove and Cheney will share shifts in the executive washroom.

Secretary of Commerce:
What’s needed here is a pro American worker, pro union. The outsourcing and weakening of American industrial capability must be administered to like the sucking chest wound that it’s become. Enough is enough. I’m looking for someone pretty adept with green industry.

An individual capable of overseeing an investment in our infrastructure that is far more enviromentally responsible than we’ve been so far. A man or woman capable of acting as a genuine secretary for the logistical nightmare of taking funds from the wrong things and directing them towards the right things. An intelligent hard ass.

Hills? She wouldn’t stoop for this turd. Arianna Huffington? Her grasp of the dynamic is unique and abundant with nuance. No way. Ted Nugent? Too stupid.

Any character from The West Wing.

This one has me stumped. Suggestions are welcome.

My point is, this cabinet position is ripe for empowerment. It could benefit immensly from the right candidate possessing the ability to wield influence and charisma to make the post and it’s authority pivotal.

See above for alternates.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development:
Oprah, Seann Penn, Brad and Angelina. Together they’ve done far more for the dislocated in New Orleans than our own government. Make it a collective effort and they’ll appoint a staff of capables. If they start to get fucked on funds or legislation, who’s not gonna send a camera and a microphone?

United States Trade Representative:
Bill Richardson. He gets it. He’s smart, experienced and an adroit negotiator.

Alternates include Jack from Jack In The Box, Gandalf and most migrant workers.

Director of the Office of Management and Budget:
What we need here is an honest individual. Joe Biden would be good here too. Chuck Hagel? Yep. I want a thoroughly vetted individual, with integrity and a strong sense of personal accountability. I’m stumped on this one too.

Alternates include David Letterman, Bullwinkle and Bobby Brady.

I’m not prepared at this time to offer a choice for VP. Forgive me. Further study is needed. Trust that I’ll keep you posted.

Bitches.

Drinks for my friends.

you can’t write this shit.

Someone should explain to the neocons that wethinks they doth protest too much. It virtually guarantees that this thing will have legs like a millipede or maybe a supermodel. I’m betting on the arthropod.

It cracks me up that they trot out former Whitehouse spokeshole Ari Fleischer. Thus far this administration’s premier prevaricator. The same douchebag who infamously warned Bill Maher ” Americans need to watch what they say, watch what they do.”

There is no doubt that he still serves at the pleasure of his President. There has never been a bigger turd in this punchbowl of blowhards than Ari. He is sociopathically obtuse.

The act is that Pasty McSquinty has gone balls mad and has no idea what he was talking about. This is not the Scott we knew, we don’t understand. He was never in the loop.

How is it that Fleischer, a man who held the very same job previous to McClellan, out of the loop as well I assume, knows better than McClellan what McClellan knows? Whatever.

I used to write a lot about these guys, back in the myspace days. I feel like I know them. Like I have good reason to loathe them. They’re both colossal fabricators of elaborate falsehoods.

They are both excellent liars that turned pro.

I can’t help but be excited about what Pasty has done here. Despite it’s overall lack of revelations, it’s more truth anyone from this administration has ever afforded the American People. He gets a gold star and a chest to pin it on.

Where’s Tony Snow? Chin herpes from being teabagged by Cheney and Rove.

Fleischer needs a name. How about The Oily Marmoset?

So yeah, keep the ponies prancing. We love it. The Oily Marmoset begat Pasty McSquinty and he begat Dana Perino. She’s gonna need a name soon.

Drinks for my friends.

I’m kinda loathe to piggy back on issues raised by journalists or pundits. I’m making an exception because tonight I was reminded of something that really chaps my ass.

Tonight, Bill Maher raised an issue relevant, for it’s irrelevancy; steroids in baseball.

I just don’t give a mad fuck.

But.

Since when are performance enhancing drugs somehow the provenance of our elected officials in the House of Representatives? Jurisdiction notwithstanding, how could it possibly be a priority?

Hello? DEA?

Of all the people who have stood in front of congress and lied, refused to answer or flat out refused to even be questioned under oath, Darth Cheney and Dumbya included, how on earth can the insouciant persecution and indictment of Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens be justified or somehow in our best interest as a nation at war?

Congress seeks to convict these mere entertainers, of perjury.

Yes, they lied to you.

Everybody lies to you.

All the sudden you care?

About this?

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Of all the people who’ve stood before them and lied, and they knew they were being lied to, The American Congress, the cream of our legislative crop, chooses an attempt to make an example of Major League Baseball players.

I say attempt, because how much you wanna bet that they come up with a shit sandwich?

Every time these asschimps whack off or take a bribe they either get caught or everyone knows about it. They are Keystone Cops in fast motion with that whacky Benny Hill music.

By the way, Barry Bonds is an asshole replete and Roger Clemens is one sorry lilly livered loose lipped motherfucking lip licking cashier. Douchebags both. Baseball is stupid.

Sometimes I can’t stand it.

Drinks for my friends.