Archive for the ‘News and Politics’ Category

I used to see movies or television shows that depicted unbalanced people and think such a fate was impossible for me. I’d wonder at how it could actually happen. I imagined the unlikliest of scenarios.

I know what it’s like to be crazy. I once took a few too many fistfulls of mushrooms and lost my shit. Ever since then I’ve understood how tenuous a grip my mind has on sanity. Reluctant even. A a careless mistake or a tragedy away from not much sense at all.

A few years ago, as a result of an inordinate amount of stress, I began to have panic attacks. I was sure I was about to die. It was a temporary suspension of sanity and they were surgically debilitating.

I respect how close to an edge I am.

Dark days. My ten year relationship was ending, my job and boss as well as my best friend were imploding, financial pressure reared it’s head and my most beloved cat friend died abruptly.

I was losing my shit.

I went to doctors, sought counseling, ended up in therapy and on a serotonin re-uptake inhibitor.

I’m better now thank you very much, although I remain more than cognizant that the wall separating me from madness is paper thin. When the light is right, I can see right through it. I also know that the longer I remain on this side of that wall, the stronger and more impervious I become.

I wonder if I’m like most people who can’t help but dance around the maypole once in awhile.

I can actually see sound. I look at a bug and spend at least the next five minutes imagining invasion by it’s species. I can drink a quart of cheap scotch, eat some tin cans and consume a pouch of chewing tobacco and keep it down. I think of something random however, and puke til I dry heave. My biggest fear is the car accident but I drive like a maniac. I’m a germaphobe but my place is a wreck. I make up names for random people I encounter in public settings. Often I have a different name in mind for people right before we’re introduced, making it more difficult to remember their actual name.

I love unopened presents. One of the first things my shrink pointed out was that I was a chronic perseverator.

My dreams are blind shit house nuts. Frying my own feet, spatula in hand, in a skillet on top of hot plate, on top of a cheap vinyl flower print dining chair, my amputated ankles underneath, in a Boston apartment with green shag carpeting.

I obsess the minutiae and disregard the macro. It get’s me into trouble.

So, on top of all this, I regularly encounter people who lack fundamental reason. Logic. Rationale. On TV, on the radio, the internet and at the 7-11. They are crazy. Few dare to divulge the deranged stain on these human tiles, thus they are everywhere I go or even look.

They voted for Dumbya and have no moral or ethical dilemma with leaving a wad of gum under a table, bigotry or putting the family pit bull in the ring for a little cash. How much you wanna bet they worship regularly and invoke God consistently?

Forgive the tangent. I’m not here to preach, at least not tonight. Once in awhile I just get started and let the point find itself.

I suppose part of my point is that you, we, cannot afford to deceive ourselves.

I realize I fall well outside the sphere of what’s held as typical or normal. I like that. Let me just say that a good number of you what takes comfort in those labels or even deign to hide behind them are not fooling anyone but yourselves.

See, you think of it as you against us. We don’t. We look at it more like us for the rest of us and you’re welcome to come along.

What’s going on in America right now is a battle of ideologies. It’s brilliant and tragic irony that our own government is fomenting that polemic about the rest of the world.

Unfortunately, far too many of you don’t understand either wrangle. You keep staring at the trees instead of thinking about the forest. Get over yourselves.

Stop pretending you know why you’re here. No more assuming you have the answer because you do not. Start thinking more about the question.

Let me give you a heads up, two men standing on the corner, both claim to be Jesus. One of them has to be wrong.

Drinks for my friends.

I doubt there’s another human being on the planet that could merely announce he would be there and have two hundred thousand Germans Show up in Berlin to hear what he has to say.

They can say he’s presumptuous. They’re saying it. Speaking like a President who is not yet a President. Looking like a President who is not yet President. Acting like a President.

Fuck them.

He is kicking ass worldwide. Understand, no way he could pull this off if he wasn’t whip smart, savvy and wise beyond wise. Our Man Has long held the official Brainspank Presidential endorsement but I’m here to tell you he’s over there making America proud with grace and dignity.

I hear he wasn’t sure how many he could draw in Germany. Can you imagine at all what it felt like taking the stage in front of two hundred thousand?

His speech was brilliant. Almost spooky to hear how far his voice was carried by successive amplified towers.

He’s in France tomorrow. That might be good.

I understand he’s not perfect. It’s been but a few weeks since I’ve written both angry and critical of him.

Having said that, the rest is true, he may very well be our last best hope. The best chance we have against my generation being second or third to last. Not because of war. But because of a lack of understanding that requires global participation when it comes to solving global problems. Enviromental problems. Poverty and waste. Fucking war.

Forgive my John Lennon moment.

I hear Doubtfire was at some burger stand or taco shack somewhere in the Midwest today. He may have told a joke.

All three network news anchors follow Our Man as he gets the Iraqi Prime Minister to endorse his plan for troop withdrawl.

If you’re McCain today, stepping out of the shower, what do you see when you look down? A dangling filbert, scarcely bigger than a clitoris.

You flick it for sport but the pod itself remains inert. This disappoints you but you weren’t anticipating a different result.

Woe is you John McCain.

I’m not sure how bad I can feel after your statement that Our Man would prefer to win an election at the expense of losing a war. That kind of talk makes you a punk ass bitch.

Where is your vanity? Your dignity?

You’re going to lose, your best option is to do it with a modicum of sincere decorum.

Mr. McCain, I believe you should grow now. Show us you understand just how bad things are and how bad they are about to be. Start telling the fucking truth. Participate and stop worrying whether you’ll be elected because it’s not going to happen. You know the truth. There was a time when you championed the truth. It is the only reason you enjoy any popularity today.

Tax cuts for the rich and an endless war in Iraq when our biggest problem is Afghanistan. Are you paying any attention at all? America is imploding you ignorant fuck and the best you can do is say shit like that? Fer fuck’s sake, who actually is more about the winning than the people?

More nuclear power when we still don’t have a clue what to do with waste that could kill millions. Offshore drilling that wouldn’t impact the price of gas for a decade. Phil Gramm, your top man on the economy, calls us a nation of whiners with delusions of a mental recession.

Fuck you you fuck, gas is near five bucks a gallon and foreclosures rival The Great Depression. They called it that, by the way, cause it sucked.

Yer a dick.

Drinks for my friends.

The talking heads have coalesced on how to frame Our Man’s travels abroad.

Roaring success with a foreign policy/national security bump vs. overstepping his station. His place. Gergen was bellowing this crap tonight on CNN.

Looks to me to be establishing relationships so he can hit the ground running once he’s elected. They complain he’s so bold as to do the President’s job, yet the President remains both unwilling and incapable.

Forgive me, uppity?

Yup, it is. Big balls on Our Man. I’m impressed. Fucking A.

It is chronic, this adolescent navel gazing the media succumbs to. They pretend to ask themselves whether they talk too much about Our Man, while they talk even more about him, so Senator Doubtfire gets the short end of spotlight stick.

You can imagine, this conundrum doesn’t much try my patience.

I’m sponsoring the widely held elitist view that McCain is boring at best; doddering at not so best. He’s fucking creepy. Obama is way better television and he’s kicking ass over there. Got an official agreement on troop withdrawl from Iraq PM, Nouri al-Maliki. Looked very presidential with Hamid Karzai. He drained one from outside the paint on some army base.

Obama Don’t Bowl!
Obama drains balls?

Obama Don’t Bowl, in white on a good quality navy tee. I saw Stewart did his show on this tonight but by then I had the sound off. If he did something similiar, chalk it up to great minds thinking alike. I avoid Sir Jon when I’m writing politics.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch.

As direct consequence of such shallow introspection, the media is poised to manufacture the slightest gaff by Obama into a Cat Five Vortex complete with flying cows that are shitting because they’re not used to flying. A shitstorm far beyond flying shitting cows.

No need to keep an eye out. It will hit you on the head over and over when it happens.

They had to do something. They’ve been caught red handed paying more attention to the more interesting, dynamic guy that just happens to be bowling them over, pun intended, in a good part of the rest of the world.

Whaddaya want fer nuthin? A rubber biscuit?

Today I purchased my first Southern Style Crispy Chicken Sandwich from Don’s place. The product has been sitting on my granite countertop since aprox. 3:20 PST. It is now about 9:45 PST and I’ve just taken my second bite.

It’s a good sugar to salt ratio. Kinda the bun in contrast to the meat postulate observed as key to most food products on the menu at Don’s place. Ever notice the powderiness of the salt they give you? Genius. Granules far better suited to adhere to your fries than ordinary table salt.

Wendy’s does this as well.

It was the random pickle chip protruding from underneath the bun in the TV ad that first got my attention. The way the sandwich rotated with golden culinary symmetry. Immaculately interrupted by that jagged corrugated fleshy green pickle chip………………….

It left me wistful but secure in the knowledge that someday I would purchase one for my very own to taste, savor and rejoice in.

I’m gonna have another bite and refrigerate it for the next round of tests.

I think pickles are a boon to fast food products of all kinds and should be exploited more. Compared to cheap ass mayonnaise and flavorless lettuce and tomatos, pickles are a zesty bold flavor and a real crunch enhancer. Provided they aren’t punk ass, chewy, vinegary cucumbers.

When I buy pickles I look for some dill and peppercorns in the jar at least.

So anyway, the texture is good, even after six unrefrigerated hours on my countertop. This does belie a certain structural integrity on the part of the sanwich. A good sign. I’ve no idea why they included the word “southern” in the title of the product other than perhaps the patty is chicken and of the fried variety.

My conclusion is that although tasty and gut satisfying, this new menu item at Don’s could use something more. More onions, more pickles perhaps. Mine had but two, barely larger than a quarter. It could use more committment on the part of the skilled and talented chef’s and their underlings.

I’m just saying, dress that product thoroughly. It’s new! Aren’t you excited to be making a new sandwich?

I can’t help but wonder if it isn’t a little premature. Not done yet basking beneath the flavor enhancing glow of the brighest, yellowest fast food arches in the universe.

It’s future as a menu item remains uncertain.

Tips: Order it with cheese for texture and a little whang. Remember, if you get fries, get some of Don’s salt. I don’t usually drink soda, but when I eat at Don’s, I has me some soda. I’m about the carbonation and not the sugar, so I order diet, but indulge in the bubbles, whatever kind blows your skirt up.

I’ve just now taken a bite of the below room temperature product. It’s really horrible in it’s gelatinous state.

Last test is to nuke the remaining bite and a half…………..

Drinks for my friends.

Various sources.

America closes in on one million foreclosures.

Indymac is the third largest carp in our country’s history to reveal it’s pale belly in the polluted waters of American finance.

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac in trouble and needing a federal bailout they will get. Two companies responsible for over half the mortgage debt in this country. Five trillion dollars.

Lists of vulnerable banks contain as many a hundred and fifty. Google the Texas ratio. At what point does the FDIC become FEMA?

Two million refugees from Darfur and and four hundred thousand slaughtered. Twenty first century genocide. A half a billion in aid a year from the US as opposed to to ten billion a month we spend in Iraq. Bin Laden used to live there so we favor their government with a blind eye because they occasionally share what kind of underwear he wears, his favorite Starburst flavor and pictures of his enormous horse package.

Over four thousand dead and thirty thousand horrifically wounded Americans by Iraq. Some estimates put Iraqi dead at over a million with some four million refugees. Meanwhile, we’ve blown the entire place apart.

National debt approaches ten trillion dollars. We had an actual surplus eight years ago.

A trade deficit approaching four hundred billion a year.

Nearly fifty million uninsured.

The Earth’s filthy nectar, which literally fuels everything we do, is imported by more than seventy percent. The price of that dirty ambrosia has risen nearly four hundred percent in the last seven years.

In America, the rich continue to get richer and the poor continue to plunge.

There’s a seventy five percent chance the icecap at at the earth’s north pole will be gone within the next three years.

Twelve percent of the electorate still believes Our Man Obama is a Muslim. Over seventy percent who voted for Dumbya in ’04 still believed Saddam Hussein was responsible for the events of 9/11.

“Most people are dumber than dirt.” -My Father

“The best country in the history of the world, and we’re going to fuck it up.” – My Mother

The stock market has been on a well oiled slide for a while now. One of it’s nipples went turgid last week because oil dropped three days in a row. First time in seventeen years. It’s because speculators knew we were gonna talk to Iran. They hoped we’d make nice. It’s a wash so far. We’ll see.

I encourage the stupid people to hold their breath.

I’m thinking it’s time to stock up. Get myself a gun.

I just jacked the sound on the local news. A story on corn ethanol. I’m not kidding when I tell you that a cutaway shot showed cars travelling backwards. If we go nuclear and corn ethanol, I think we should store all the nuke waste at corn ethanol stations.

Stupid fucks.

Forgive my pessimism. If you look at the numbers………..

My point is this. The Evil Empire is not looking at the same numbers we are. If they were, they’d pay attention and do something, like come up with better explanations for not giving a mad fuck.

Drinks for my friends.

Yesterday we learned Dick-in-Bush would be sending one of it’s “most senior diplomats” to Switzerland to meet with Iran’s top nuclear official.

Today we learned of the Pentagon’s intention to shift troops from Iraq to Afghanistan earlier and more precipitously than anticipated or forecast. They told us everything was fine………

Tonight, Rush (the band) appears on the Colbert Report.

It is America’s smartest day in over seven years. It’s not saying much but I had to mention it.

Dumbya has broken with stated, fucking shouted, obdurate policy.

Oil went down for the second day in a row, further than it has in seventeen years. The NYSE rallied after having it’s ass handed to it for month after hemorrhage after month after hemorrhage. The Bear is back.

There is some idea that as a result of conservation, demand is down so oil speculation is down. Were that the truth, I’d be encouraged. I’m not saying it’s not possible, it’s just not happening yet.

Really, wouldn’t that be cool? A collective effort on part of the American citizenry having a global effect? Yes, that would be cool. It would be empowering.

Forgive me but that’s not what’s happened. Exercises in the Gulf weren’t doing the trick. More missiles should have been photoshopped I guess.

Us sending a diplomat to Switzerland is what happened.

It wouldn’t hurt at all for us to conserve and I don’t doubt that it could have a profound impact on the global economy. The onus is on us as the preeminent species to manage air, food, water and fire anyway. It’s an ecological mandate.

Unfortunately, the entire planet seems to be in an ugly state of nationalism. It’s almost as insidious as religion. It’s as though we seek to define ourselves by our differences while there aren’t so many when compared to our commonalities.

I’m here to tell you that if we don’t start thinking as a people, as opposed to American or Mexican or Catholic or Jew or Muslim or Arab, we will be responsible for our own extinction. It is inevitable. The only guarantee of survival is compassionate cooperation among all people.

We’re such assholes. That’s never gonna happen. Oh well, sorry I brought it up.

Did you know that it takes about two and a half bottles of water to manufacture the bottle you’re drinking water from? Did you know that fuel from corn is one of humakind’s stupidest ideas? Did you know that “bowtie” or “farfalla” pasta is the champion pasta shape for more delicate sauces? It works with gravies of medium density as well. Farfalla means butterflies in Italian. Make sure you use butter and capers.

If it were me instead of Obama, I’d have a tough time sleeping in the same room Dumbya had for eight years. Poor bastard.

Drinks for my friends.

It’s fucking awesome.

Know why? It fearlessly shines with the candlepower of our sun on the willfull ignorance and idiocy of far too many ‘Mericans. Three syllables is all these dipshits can manage.

Could this be collusion with Our Man’s campaign? Is there a potential boost with this most deliberate dust up? That would be cool. I like that they gave Michelle an afro and a gun. She’s kinda hot.

They did it by betting Americans are stupid and/or indignant. From here it appears to be a pretty good bet.

“Baracknaphobia” is what Jon Stewart would call it..

A cavalcade of morons paraded across my television screen during the latest news cycle. All actually feigning confusion, or sincerely confused by the cover cartoon. The same way the media covers a shooting in South Central, by finding the most gap toothed black person. Except, these were white people with nice teeth.

Sheezus, what the fuck is going on here?

It’s like the media has decided that you don’t have to be ‘ethnic’ to be stooopid.

Our man handled it like a professional wine taster from Alcoholics Anonymous. He noted it had gone bad, spit it out and moved on.

“It’s a cartoon … and that’s why we’ve got the First Amendment,” Obama said. “And I think the American people are probably spending a little more time worrying about what’s happening with the banking system and the housing market, and what’s happening in Iraq and Afghanistan, than a cartoon. So I haven’t spent a lot of time thinking about it.”

“I’ve seen and heard worse,” he said. “I do think that in attempting to satirize something, they probably fueled some misconceptions about me instead. But that was their editorial judgment.” -CNN

The best comedy is always honest. So is the best satire. This is, without a doubt brutal a brutal example, but we are served by it. There is honesty to be had here.

Graphically, it defines the mindset and imagination of far too many of us in a time when we should have moved past
this shallow nonsense. We’re only a few hundred years old as a country, not a good enough reason to be as callow and stubborn as we still are.

In many ways, we’ve been walking backwards for a time.

The talking heads keep barking that America doesn’t know Obama yet. Where the hell have you people been? He’s been running for President for two fucking years. I hope the media is wrong on this one, the idea scares me more than the terrorists.

Arianna wrote a cool piece today on the mistake by the media for viewing Barack through a prism of liberal vs. conservative ideaology. I need to point out that Americans make the mistake of looking at the world through a lense of Muslim vs. Christian. Us vs. Them. Our God is better and more righteous than theirs, so Our God must kill theirs or at least we should kill all of them. We reserve the right to use nuclear weapons to accomplish any end resembling what we’ve just described…………

Note that many of these folks only show up on a meter that reads from hypocrite to sociopath.

“I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.
See how they run like pigs from a gun, see how they fly.
I’m crying.” -I Am The Walrus, The Beatles

“But we’re never gonna survive, unless…
We get a little crazy” -Seal

Seven thousand foreclosures a day while we spend half a million a minute in Iraq. In the same way we can’t pay for those houses, we can’t pay for this war. Do not adjust your set. This is the fucked up truth.

Drinks for my friends.

Doubtfire can’t seem to keep his withered manhood from beneath his corrective footwear. Just last week he called for the “exploitation” of America’s offshore and enviromentally sensitive areas for drilling. A top economic adviser to McCain, Phil Graham, said we were in a “mental recession” and a nation of “whiners”. Bootlicker continues to joke about bombing Iran.

He’s doing great. Let’s have a parade. They’re better be midgets and firetrucks.

Methinks his diaper hath sprung a leak.

An exemplary performance most likely the harbinger of an inevitable conclusion.

I’m inclined to believe it’s no longer premature to offer my ideal choices for Our Man’s cabinet.

The thing to remember is this. Our Man, upon winning the most important contest in the history of civilization, will also own, arguably, the worst position of any American President ever. He’s walking into a cave as dark as any in the history of this country.

His road will be of asinine yet lethal burlesque.

Secretary of State:
The apogee of any diplomatic career, my pick is Big Bad Bill. There simply is no man more gifted and revered on the world stage than William Jefferson Clinton. I don’t give a mad fuck about his stumbles on this most recent sojourn as his wife’s campaign surrogate. The prodigous talent this man is able to visit upon any scenario makes the former President an obvious choice as well as one to ignore at our peril in times as serious as these. Bill Clinton qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Jimmy Carter, Andy Griffith was always so reasonable and Joe Walsh would clown the world and play blistering solos.

Secretary of the Treasury:
Bill Gates. The world’s richest man understands money. He owns trends. He gets it. The Feds took over IndyMac the other day. FDIC payouts will be as much as $8 billion. There’s Fannie and Freddie crashing on the rocks. Those two go down and it won’t be too different than a small nuke in a major city.

Hang the rich.

Alternates include my friend Jim Labinski, Gene Hackman, Ben Vereen, Lorne Green and Jim Beam.

Attorney General:
Walk in the park. My mother pointed it out. Edwards. A lawyer who’s adept at kicking the shit out of some pretty big boys. Nice and liberal. Wads of charisma. He’s Bobby goddamn Kennedy. John Edwards qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Ironman, Judge Judy, people who collect beans and Negrodamus.

Secretary of Defense:
Wes Clark. Four stars, West Point valedictorian and Rhodes Scholar. I love the word secdef. He’s my pick for secdef. It’ll have to wait, I’ve got a meeting with the secdef. See what I’m saying?

Seems like a good guy. We liberals want our military leaders to smile a lot and have nice eyes. We also like it when they’re whip fucking smart and battle experienced with nearly spotless records. General Wesley Clark qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Runner up: Colin Powell. Yep, seriously. A good man and a smart one.

Alternates include Furnell Chapman, Ernest T. Bass, auntjudy.com and Bilbo Baggins.

Secretary of Energy:
Al Gore. Hey everybody! Let’s have an energy policy! Fuckin A! Seriously. Why are we fucking Iraq? Oil. Why are we fucking ourselves? Oil. Why are we fucked? Oil. Duh. I got one syllable for ya. Sun. Nevermind that it makes wind and everything else possible. See what I’m saying? Albert Gore qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Kurt Vonnegut, John Steinbeck, any civilian on COPS, Nikola Tesla and Barney Fife.

Secretary of Homeland Security:
What I’m looking for here is one of those three part names with the word VON in the middle. Wernher Von Braun, for example. We all know this position is a shallow history of dipshits. Joe Biden is an intelligent hothead. Wish I had better for him but he’s my choice. He’s smart and he loathes bullshit.

Alternates include Fred Flinstone for sheer mental prowess, Donna Summer for Disco Lemonade, Larry Flynt for a golden wheelchair and enormous genitals.

Secretary of the Interior:
Willie Nelson. He’ll legalize pot on all government lands and convert every forest service/state park vehicle to biodiesel. There would be a national hootenanny every summer solistice.

Alternates include Newman and Redford, Cheech & Chong, and the Smothers Brothers.

Secretary of Education:
My ultimate preference would have been George Carlin but he’s since taken the dirt nap. Posthumous. I guess I’ll go with Gore Vidal. He’s smart, crazy, gonna die soon and I like his priorities. Wait, Noam Chomsky!

Alternates include Al Bundy, Mr. Spock, Henry Rollins and Alex Trebek

Secretary of Health and Human Services:
Dr. Sanja Gupta. Handsome, charismatic, smart and charming.

Alternates include Dr. Dean Edell and Dr. Drew Pinsky.

Director of the National Drug Control Policy:
Bill Maher. This one’s painfully obvious. Reverse this ridiculous obfuscation they choose to label policy. It’s unconscionable. America incarcerates more people per capita than any nation on earth and it’s because of hundreds of thousands of nonviolent drug offenders who aren’t criminals when they enter the prison system but sure as fuck are when they get out. An absurd and failed attempt at social engineering. It doesn’t work. It never had a chance.

Mankind has sought to self medicate since before it was even a possibility. It’s like shoving abstinence down the throats of American teenagers. No possibility for efficacy, no chance ever. It’s counterintuitive, misguided and in opposition to basic human instinct.

It’s a fundamental cudgel for oppression by our government and really fucking stupid.

Alternates include Snoop, Adam Corolla, Lee Van Cleef and Willie Nelson.

White House Chief of Staff:
Jon Stewart. Duh. He’d also be White House press secretary. I’d swoon at the podium in a non gay way. Mancrush. He’d tell us the truth and crack us up whenever his boss fucks up. He’d be allowed to bring his writers with him.

Alternates include Sean Penn, Cris Rock and Lewis Black. Lewis Black……….oooooooohh.

Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency:
Dennis Kucinich. When a Supreme Court vacancy occurs, he’s the man. He carries the Constitution on his person. Otherwise he’d run the shit out of the EPA. Smart, honest, principled. He’ll do the right thing. He’ll fuck shit up. Between his pasty white thighs dangle testes made of zirconia. Bitch. This would be good. Dennis qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Al Gore, John Mellencamp and Don Henley.

Secretary of Transportation:
Ed Begley Jr. Ed knows. Ed cares. Ed will tear shit up. This would be good. Ed qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Robbie Knievel, Dave Grohl and Scotty from Star Trek because he operates the transporter. Well, we’re both Scotsman.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs:
Anthony Zinni. We need an intelligent hawk in this office. He’s accomplished. Degree in economics from Villanova. Tough. Four stars and tons of experience. Opposed to at least the prosecution of the war in Iraq. Got fired for it. I’m going out on a limb but I think he’s a man of logic and compassion. Anthony qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Maj. Gen. Paul Eaton, Maj. Gen. John Batiste, Brig. Gen. John Johns, Navy Vice Adm. David Richardson……….no shortage of good men to oversee the right thing.

Secretary of Agriculture:
What we need here is someone adamantly anti ethanol. Fuel from corn is just dumb. It’s a destructive crop. Bad for the soil. Tons of pesticides It’s only redeeming quality is that it tastes good and it can be made into whiskey. It’s like twice the resources/energy to produce as it ends up producing. There’s already chaos on the world food market as a result of incremental increases in it’s production. Why are we so goddamn stupid? We need an enforcer. A sonofabitch.

That sonafabitch is Chuck Norris. He is what we lack in government. He’s a goddamn Republican, but a grown man that is capable and willing to roundhouse kick other men in the head. Chuck Norris did not slide from a common vagina. He was borne of the ultimate mother. Mother Earth. He will fight for you harder than Larry H. Parker.

Alternates include Bruce Willis, Spiderman, spaghetti western banditos and Sgt. Joe Friday.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development:
Dumbya. He needs to see what he has wrought at least five days a week. The damage he’s done to the average American family as well as the madness he’s unleashed on those families with soldiers in Iraq or dead or wounded from Iraq.

Brains scarred with or without a head wound.

Astounding, to behave as though you’ve done nothing but act in our best interest. I doubt a man as stupid even as you, could believe anything remotely resembling that sort of madness. It’s okay Georgie boy. you’ll be the titular head, a position so familiar, it’s all you know. Loser.

No worries, we’ll surround him with genuine talent to show him smart people who care against the worthless ones he hired. He’s a dog in a talent show. “Brownie” can be your office boy. Rove and Cheney will share shifts in the executive washroom.

Secretary of Commerce:
What’s needed here is a pro American worker, pro union. The outsourcing and weakening of American industrial capability must be administered to like the sucking chest wound that it’s become. Enough is enough. I’m looking for someone pretty adept with green industry.

An individual capable of overseeing an investment in our infrastructure that is far more enviromentally responsible than we’ve been so far. A man or woman capable of acting as a genuine secretary for the logistical nightmare of taking funds from the wrong things and directing them towards the right things. An intelligent hard ass.

Hills? She wouldn’t stoop for this turd. Arianna Huffington? Her grasp of the dynamic is unique and abundant with nuance. No way. Ted Nugent? Too stupid.

Any character from The West Wing.

This one has me stumped. Suggestions are welcome.

My point is, this cabinet position is ripe for empowerment. It could benefit immensly from the right candidate possessing the ability to wield influence and charisma to make the post and it’s authority pivotal.

See above for alternates.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development:
Oprah, Seann Penn, Brad and Angelina. Together they’ve done far more for the dislocated in New Orleans than our own government. Make it a collective effort and they’ll appoint a staff of capables. If they start to get fucked on funds or legislation, who’s not gonna send a camera and a microphone?

United States Trade Representative:
Bill Richardson. He gets it. He’s smart, experienced and an adroit negotiator.

Alternates include Jack from Jack In The Box, Gandalf and most migrant workers.

Director of the Office of Management and Budget:
What we need here is an honest individual. Joe Biden would be good here too. Chuck Hagel? Yep. I want a thoroughly vetted individual, with integrity and a strong sense of personal accountability. I’m stumped on this one too.

Alternates include David Letterman, Bullwinkle and Bobby Brady.

I’m not prepared at this time to offer a choice for VP. Forgive me. Further study is needed. Trust that I’ll keep you posted.

Bitches.

Drinks for my friends.

The Reverend Jesse Jackson aspires to remove the pearls from Our Man Obama’s bag. Cut them off and dump them out. So he says.

The vulgarity of “I wanna cut his nuts off”, helps me to believe it was sincere. A genuine sentiment. It cracked me up.

He was wrong, but he meant it. He was wrong, mistaken, underinformed, misguided but he meant it. We know it’s the truth because he didn’t know he was talking to anyone except the guy next to him. Awesome.

I point this out because it’s in stark contrast to the poisonous pale shit our elected representatives regurge on us every day deliberately, with avarice and cruelty, knowing full well it’s not in our best interest and that’s not why they’re there.

His own son, Congressman Jesse Jr., forced a turd into Jesse’s mouth and lit it. That shit is cold. He could have kept his mouth shut.

Forgive me, I’m no big fan of Jesse, except his reading of “Green Eggs and Ham” on SNL. He and Sharpton used to run pretty hard at who is whackiest, these days it’s Jackson by a full length.

Obama’s not “talking down to his people”. He is assuming the mantle of leader. Speaking up to everyone including his own.

His own who then?
Multiple Choice:

A) Blacks?

B) Fatherless?

C) Poor?

D) Middle class?

E) Marginalized?

F) Just about all of us in one way or another?

I can’t help but like Sharpton. I adored his convention speech and the bewildered chatter by the talking heads when he didn’t stick to the script. Sharpton was as cool that night as Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction. Newman in Cool Hand Luke.

He’s since seemed to own his brain more and his pride less. He’s far more thoughtful than he used to be. More intellectually honest. I like a lot of what he says these days, doesn’t seem to have lost his edge and he makes more sense.

Anyway, Our Man handled it with merciful aplomb:

“He will continue to speak out about our responsibilities to ourselves and each other, and he of course accepts Rev. Jackson’s apology,” -NPR

I’m still furious about FISA. There’s no immunity in the bill for criminal prosecution, but the one ‘Kingly’ right afforded the chief executive by the Constitutional Congress is an unrestricted power to pardon whomever the fuck Dumbya wants.

Dumbya signed it today. All the dominos will fall.

It’s all over but the shouting. There are many things we don’t know and that makes me nervous. Reid, Clinton, Boxer, Feingold et al. They all opposed. I understand they aren’t bucking for manager, but what gives?

Why then, did Our Man agree? For reasons we don’t know.

Yes, he cannot afford a sweat ball at the end of his nose over national security. It is the only issue with potential to gain traction on a gullible and witless electorate. Still, it’s unlikely. He just needs to make the case that we’re fucked as it is. It’s time to be proactive rather than reactive.

If this administration can be summed up in the simplest of terms; then it may be said that they have reacted badly, appallingly stupidly, instead of proactively. They are dumb and we have over seven years of sickening proof.

I’m pissed. As sweaty as this Fourth Amendment dynamite is, am I gonna vote for McCain? No, of course not. Neither will most of you. Obama knows that. It pisses me off.

The answer is G, all of the above.

Drinks for my friends.

There is a kind of brutal asymmetry about the death of Jesse Helms today, the same day that both John Adams and Thomas Jefferson shucked their coils mortal in 1826. The birth of our once great country. A campaign season with the first ever African American leading in polls for President.

Happy Fourth of July.

Likely the best thing to be said of him, he had the courage of his convictions. He was consistent. Still, I wouldn’t cross a country road to piss on his grave. Mr. Helms was an evil bigot.

He opposed Martin Luther King Day in 1983.

“Helms once deeply offended a black colleague, Democratic Senator Carol Moseley-Braun of Illinois, by singing part of “Dixie” on a Capitol elevator.

Soon after the Senate vote on the Confederate flag insignia, Sen. Jesse Helms (R.-N.C.) ran into Mosely-Braun in a Capitol elevator. Helms turned to his friend, Sen. Orrin Hatch (R.-Utah), and said, “Watch me make her cry. I’m going to make her cry. I’m going to sing ‘Dixie’ until she cries.” He then proceeded to sing the song about “the good life” during slavery to Mosely-Braun (Gannett News Service, 1993-09-02; Time, 1993-08-16″

“White people, wake up before it is too late. Do you want Negroes working beside you, your wife and your daughters, in your mills and factories? Frank Graham favors mingling of the races.” -From a campaign ad Helms was involved in creating.

Another ad featured photographs Helms doctored to illustrate the allegation that Graham’s wife had danced with a black man. (FAIR 2001-09-01, The News and Observer 2001-08-26)

A former Democrat, Helms straddled the Republican expoitation of racial division in the south to fuel his own success.

He consistently opposed gay rights. Although he did once describe the genitalia of Strom Thurmond as “gorgeous” and a “splenderous tract of man flesh”. This, despite the fact that Thurman’s unit had seen battle in an African American vagina.

He was instrumental in the ascendency of Ronald Reagan and therefore a major player in the birth of contemporary conservatism. Neoconservatism. The beginning of what may be the demise of our republic.

Jesse Helms was an asshole, I regret that I have but one toast to hoist in celebration of his dirt nap.

Drinks for my friends.

The progressive blogosphere is ablaze today with speculation and outright dismay over Our Man Obama’s shuffle to the middle. The conventional wisdom is that it’s bad form and smacks of pandering to a demographic that had little to do with his nomination.

I wish I could disagree. I can’t. Thus far I can only manage disappointed, disillusioned and frustrated.

Our Man needs to take a breath and re-examine hisself. The man who’s gotten this far and why. He was different, brave and sincere. We believed him. We were inspired because he was exactly what we wanted. He’s what we desperately needed.

I nearly wept on March 18, as Our Man was expected to deliver a mea culpa over the Reverend Wright conflagration, but instead delivered the most courageous, eloquent, powerful and intellectually honest treatise on race I’ve ever witnessed in my life. That man touched my heart and appealed profoundly to my sensibilities.

The man I imagined as leader of my country.

The man who dismissed a suspension of the gas tax for what it was; a gimmick. The man who pronounced the war a mistake before we began it. Than man who didn’t break a sweat as he assumed the role of David against the Goliath that was the Clinton machine. The man who packed stadiums and with every soaring speech imbued us with ever more optimism and hope. The man who can call McCain on the carpet on every major issue and land firmly on the right side of all of them. The man who if true to his word, stands a reasonable chance at being among the handful of truly great American Presidents by affecting change on a scale we haven’t been allowed to aspire to since JFK.

That is the man I imagined as leader of my country.

Politicspeak defines his actions as some sort of “triangulation” to focus on and court “swing voters”. I define it as bullshit and it troubles me immensely. I gotta tell ya, this FISA thing is close to breaking my heart.

Mr. Obama, don’t do this to us. Despite copious and chronic voter fraud, the last two Democrats lost their bid for the White House because they were too cautious. They listened to handlers and advisers. Too willing to play to the middle when challenged by the Dick-in-Bush juggernaut for being dangerously liberal or weak.

Guess what? They were exactly that. Pussies, both of them.

We were all hoping you weren’t a pussy.

It didn’t work for them and it will backfire far more viciously on you for cultivating our most sincere dreams of a better, more responsible government. An American people better off and in a safer world. Cleaner. Less war. A lot less war. A reinvigoration of the middle class by maybe reversing the concentration of wealth? Perhaps with new green industries and a renewed concentration on infrastructure? A change in the tax code? A robust middle class is the key to a sound economy, you know.

We have chosen you as the best man, from a formidable field, to do this thing. We’re not here to fuck around.

I’m hoping this roar behind you continues. Even if you insist on losing your way, perhaps the roar of the people will show you the map, your map, and you’ll get right again.

Absent that, we’ll still get you in, but we’ll pound the shit out of you every day until you do the right thing. Worst case scenario, you abandon who and what gave you the keys to the universe and you’ll have to work even harder than Jimmy Carter to repair your legacy of failure.

Pay us now or pay us later. Just don’t fuck with us.

Drinks for my friends.

This my territory, so I’ve posted my response first. The blog I’m responding too appears at the bottom:

I am saddened that such a clearly intelligent man has succumbed to fear and propaganda.

You say:
“I am tired of liberals who see only negativity in America; racism in her people, class warfare in her society, and flaws in her character.”

Do you imagine these things don’t exist? They do. For many, they are a part of everyday existence. A fact of life. You’re a white Christian Republican male, you will have to look outside yourself to see these phenomena. Burst your bubble my friend. It takes some courage but we can never come together unless you’re willing to see the world objectively. You’ll need to remove yourself from the equation to accomplish this.

We liberals are way ahead of you in that regard.

You say:
“I am deeply troubled by the Democratic Party which nominated John Kerry, whose qualifications revolved around labeling the honorable men and women who fought in the Vietnam War (58,000 of whom gave their lives in that action) as murderers, rapists and war criminals.”

Do you posit these things never occured? They did. He wasn’t labeling all of them, he was pointing it out. Many “incidents” are documented. They were horrifying. America fucked up. It’s embarrassing that you are only able to define Kerry in those terms. Is that really all you allowed yourself to see?

You imply we liberals are godless and lazy, unwilling to work and hate America. You are not only guilty of generalizing and stereotyping, but of drinking the neoconservative Kool-Aid.

I have worked hard my whole life. Had my own business at thirteen. Managed a restaurant at seventeen and was a recording engineer/producer by age twenty eight. Triple platinum by thirty one. Now finishing my first novel. And I don’t believe in your God.

Thank you for a genuine example of ingorance, bias and baseless piety.

Forgive me. Believe it or not, it doesn’t serve me to attack you as an individual. I’m actually fairly certain you are a good and decent man. It’s the ideology you so enthusiastically embrace and foment that I strive to to tear apart. It is false and wrong and the catalyst for evil on a level we have never seen in this country.

You say:
“I still pray that God will open the eyes of those ill-informed members of our society who, either through ignorance or deliberate malice, repeatedly attack and belittle those of us who believe in self-empowerment for all. I am grateful to have lived in a nation that gave me the freedom of self-determination and the right to benefit from my own personal achievements.

News Flash. I believe sincerely in self empowerment for all and I’m grateful to live in a country that has provided me with the freedom to pursue self determination and feel fortunate to have benifitted from personal achievment. I just don’t buy into your God.

Please wake up and look around.

**************************************************************************************************

His blog in it’s entirety:

Ask most any member of the main stream media elite, and a growing number of high school and college students, along with their teachers and professors, “What is a Republican?” and the response will likely include words such as, “greedy, self-centered, motivated only by money, unconcerned for the environment, the poor, and everyone they exploit.”

I am none of those things; I am simply a man who is proud of his country, and it’s hard-won heritage of liberty and justice for all. My own father fought two world wars to preserve freedom, and died at an early age as a result.

So, what is a Republican? I can only speak for myself.

I went to work at age 12, joined the Navy at 17, and went to war at 18. I started my own business at age 25 and worked 70, 80 and sometimes 100 hours a week for years, risking everything I had – including my health – to secure a better future for myself and my family. My own blood, sweat and tears made it possible for me to provide a secure living, not only for my family and myself, but also for literally hundreds of employees through the years, who in turn were able to buy their own homes, raise their own families, and give back to their communities and their country.

I am a Christian who loves God and his church, and who was taught to respect all religions whose teachings are based in love, peace and charity. I believe that God blessed this country because of the principles upon which it was founded. If you doubt God’s blessings still happen in today’s world, you need only look into the face of one who has received them.

I am a father who believes in the sanctity of marriage and the preservation of the family. I believe in the sanctity of life and am repulsed by the political left who pander for votes at the expense of the unborn. I am disgusted with the courts who rightly call the murder of a pregnant woman a double homicide, and then declare that the murder of an unborn baby is a constitutionally protected “woman’s right to choose.”

I am proud that our President expresses a belief in God; proud to have voted for a President who understands – politically incorrect tho’ it may be – that there is evil in this world. For the sake of all people everywhere, that evil must be confronted, and it must be defeated. I take comfort in the knowledge that our President refuses to allow decisions concerning the security of this nation to be governed by the political whims of foreign governments.

I understand that the terrorist attacks that murdered thousands of my fellow Americans can happen again. That’s why I sincerely believe America needs, now more than ever, a President who sees with a clear and focused vision and who speaks with a voice that – when heard by friend or foe – is understood, respected and believed.

I am eternally grateful to Ronald Reagan for speaking out against Communism and for having the courage of his convictions in leading the fight to defeat it; and to George W. Bush, who – in spite of the constant, vicious, personal and political attacks both he and his family have been forced to endure – has demonstrated uncommon vision, courage, conviction and leadership in America’s war against Islamic Global Jihad.

I am tired of liberals who see only negativity in America; racism in her people, class warfare in her society, and flaws in her character. I am also fed up with politicians who, when held up to public scrutiny, divert attention from their own personal, political and legislative failures by accusing their opponents of “mudslinging” and using negative attack ads.

I am deeply troubled by the Democratic Party which nominated John Kerry, whose qualifications revolved around labeling the honorable men and women who fought in the Vietnam War (58,000 of whom gave their lives in that action) as murderers, rapists and war criminals. That same Democratic Party has now embraced Barack Obama, another Harvard liberal elitist whose only claim to fame is that he was a Communist organizer and a member of a black separatist church for twenty years.

I still pray that God will open the eyes of those ill-informed members of our society who, either through ignorance or deliberate malice, repeatedly attack and belittle those of us who believe in self-empowerment for all. I am grateful to have lived in a nation that gave me the freedom of self-determination and the right to benefit from my own personal achievements.

I am blessed to be an American, and proud to be a Republican.

Remember the next line?

We torture.

Our government knows. Beyond complicit. They actively encourage and participate. This administration is guilty as fuck. These are very bad people.

“…….the Nobel Prize-winning organization Physicians for Human Rights has released a report, called “Broken Laws, Broken Lives,” that puts an appropriately horrifying face on a practice that is so fundamentally evil that it cannot co-exist with the idea of a just and humane society.” -truthout.org

On Thursday of this week, John Yoo and David Addington testified defiantly and with overt disdain on interrogation and torture before a House subcommittee. Addington is former legal counsel to Darth Cheney and his current Chief of Staff. Yoo, formerly of the Justice Department’s Office of Legal Counsel, contributed to the Patriot Act and authored memos advocating torture and the denial of enemy combatants various protections under the Geneva Conventions.

A pair of obstinate punks, mere war criminals, as well as high ranking powerful officials in our cancer ridden Executive and Judicial branches.

What the hell, the Legislative Branch isn’t worth the goddamn butane to set it on fire. Crooked cowards in a cabal of corruption, greed and perverse piety.

” The report profiles 11 detainees who were tortured while in U.S. custody and then released – their lives ruined – without ever having been charged with a crime or told why they were detained. All of the prisoners were men, and all were badly beaten. One was sodomized with a broomstick, the report said, and forced by his interrogators to howl like a dog while a soldier urinated on him. He fainted, the report said, “after a soldier stepped on his genitals.”
-truthout.org

It all took place at Guantanamo Bay, in Afghanistan and Iraq. Dick-in-Bush knew all about it. It’s often been the source of Cheny’s evil smirk whenever America is fortunate enought to have cameras in whatever place he suddenly appears. I fucking hate that guy.

Addington took it upon himself to lecture the committee on the terrorist threat. You really must watch it. He’s a quite the prick. We’ll deal with Yoo on another day. Interesting profile on him in the June Esquire.

“Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-N.Y.), who later characterized Addington’s attitude as “smug,” asked whether, if the interrogation program was found to be illegal, he would bear any responsibility.

“Is that a moral question or a legal question?” Addington asked, then said he bore no responsibility, legal or moral.

Was President Bush constrained by laws against torture? Addington refused to offer an opinion. Putting the question in extreme terms, Nadler asked Addington if torturing a detainee’s child to get information would be legal.

“I’m not here to render legal advice to your committee,” Addington shot back. “You do have attorneys of your own to give you legal advice.” -Los Angeles Times

Man I hate these fucking guys.

America has lost it’s moral authority. America has lost itself. Those of us with the capacity to at least pay attention, are ashamed. Disgraced. We understand America has inflicted wounds on itself in a cornucopia of ways.

This wound is unique. To be able to say that truthfully is horrible on it’s own, but this wound has been neglected. It may have started out relatively minor on the chart. Now it’s the wrong color, a gaping hole in our gut, discharging the foulest vapor to ever enter one’s head.

There was a time we’d pack the seeping crater with gunpowder or sulfur and cross fingers.

“Perhaps the strangest exchange came at the end of the hearing. Rep. Bill Delahunt (D-Mass.) asked Addington whether waterboarding was discussed in meetings.

“I can’t talk to you,” Addington said. “Al Qaeda may watch these meetings.”

Delahunt replied that he was sure they did. “I’m glad they finally have a chance to see you, Mr. Addington,” Delahunt said. Without missing a beat, Addington answered, “I’m sure you’re pleased.” -Los Angeles Times

After that the Republicans crapped in their hands and threw it at Delahunt for like an hour. Monkeys. Retarded ones that throw like girls.

You know what’s just fucking nuts? Of a scale by quantity of innocent lives lost as a direct result of the American government’s obtuse warmongering since Dumbya ascended, this senseless torture, this damage and ruin to a handful of lives, is but a mote in the eye of a hurricane.

I’m inclined to believe just about anything about us anymore. Any of it could so easily be true. America has lost her identity.

Just how profoundly ridiculous have we become?

Drinks for my friends.

Ralph Nader. Impressive legacy. A prestigious record of consumer advocacy and an unwavering allegiance to truth and justice. Talked the talk. Walked the walk.

If only he would shut up and avoid leaving the house.

It is hard, painful even, to witness a once great man soil himself and embarrass those who once held him in high regard.

Obama, he said, “wants to talk white.” Unless such a petite mouthful of shit comes from the head of a racist, what can it possibly mean? Honestly, I’m reluctant to label Mr. Nader as anything but foolish and suffering from what he imagines is a lack of entitled attention.

Having said that, piss up a rope old man.

There’s credible evidence that your hubris fueled candidacy of two thousand allowed for the worst reign of crime, lies and injustice to ever be visited on the citizens of America.

Upon failing to recognize that danger beforehand, and for failing to recognize it as a mistake after, you began to consign yourself to the league of Stupid Old White Men. Powerful old white men rarely do other than one of two things. I realize there are exceptions, but they typically get mean or they get stupid.

Methinks Mr. Nader may be flirting with both.

Drinks for my friends.

James Dobson, leading evangelical, founder of Focus on The Family and therefore self righteous dipshit, took it upon himself to open fire on our man Obama today for suggesting in a two year old speech that it is impractical to govern solely on the basis of scripture.

Um, no shit. By the way, Our Man was speaking to a liberal Christian group named Call To Renewal.

“Which passages of scripture should guide our public policy?” Obama asked in the speech. “Should we go with Leviticus, which suggests slavery is OK and that eating shellfish is an abomination? Or we could go with Deuteronomy, which suggests stoning your child if he strays from the faith? Or should we just stick to the Sermon on the Mount?” -CNN.com

Dobson said, “I think he’s deliberately distorting the traditional understanding of the Bible to fit his own world view, his own confused theology,” Dobson said, adding that Obama is “dragging biblical understanding through the gutter.” -CNN.com

Well I for one would like to believe he was pointing out just how stupid and archaic so much of the Christian dogma actually is. Probably not though. I suspect he was merely saying it is impractical to base policy on an ancient text, regardless of the reverence it still enjoys.

For what it’s worth, I’m still plenty pissed at our man over the FISA thing.

I think any debate that entertains the inclusion of any amount faith into politics or government is witheringly wrongheaded and spurious. I am weary, wary and leery of it. Big suprise from an agnostic huh?

It is abundantly clear that the founding fathers had every intention of keeping church and state separate. News flash; your religion, faith or beliefs are your own. You chose them or were probably indoctrinated. I just don’t care and I’m completely unwilling to hear about it or them.

I don’t care and I don’t have to because I’ve long since made up my mind and this is America.

The idea that any religious bureaucracy wields even a modicum of influence on political discourse in this country inspires a gamut of emotion in me that ranges from disgust to rage. When I encounter it, my knee jerks as if to say fuck you in the neck.

Do people like like Dobson believe they have some kind of moral superiority and it is therefore incumbent on them, perhaps even their duty, to foist their wisdom on the rest of us? Yup, they do. That’s why I loathe them. So many insincere zealots. The quantity of their conviction almost always belies the depth of their hypocrisy. An inverse relationship that we are treated to over and over.

Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Cardinal Mahoney, Haggard, Swaggart, Baker, Roberts, Falwell, Tilton……………

Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion–several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn’t straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother’s path to happiness and heaven….The higher animals have no religion. And we are told that they are going to be left out in the Hereafter. I wonder why? It seems questionable taste.
– “The Lowest Animal” -Mark Twain

Were it up to me, no religious spokesperson would be allowed to comment on public policy, legislation, campaigns or the merits of titty bars. Not even from the pulpit. Any who dared break the rule would see their own house of worship taxed to the fullest extent of our convoluted tax code.

A portion of the revenue would be used to reconstruct said place of worship so that it’s entire exterior would be of glass. This house of whatever God, would then be afforded the opportunity to reduce it’s tax burden by allowing it’s own worshippers to throw stones at itself.

Honestly, I don’t have a problem with Jesus. Basic Christian tenets are pretty sound. I like the one about do unto others and that one about judge not lest ye judged. Good stuff.

I can’t help but despise a good number of his fans. They should be allowed their primitive rituals and blind faith. Whatever gets you through the night is your business. Keep it that way and we’re cool. Fail to respect that and I’m free to fire flesh shredding salvos of logic at you until the lies, evil, ignorance and corruption are all that’s left.

Upon molesting the bull, one automatically qualifies for the horns.

“So much blood has been shed by the Church because of an omission from the Gospel: “Ye shall be indifferent as to what your neighbor’s religion is.” Not merely tolerant of it, but indifferent to it. Divinity is claimed for many religions; but no religion is great enough or divine enough to add that new law to its code.”
– Mark Twain, a Biography

Drinks for my friends.

It’s bad enough what they did.

Dick-in-Bush sneered at the Fourth Amendment and gleefully engaged in an end run around existing FISA laws to illegally wire tap and otherwise surveil American citizens. They didn’t tell anybody. They even attempted to strong arm a United States Attorney General while hospitalized in critical condition to sign off on their egregious trangressions.

They sent Gonzales and Andy Card.

Upon The Grey Lady exposing them in early 2005, they postured for all the world like they had done nothing wrong and in fact, had our best interests in their heart of hearts along with the telecom companies that were complicit.

If you bought that when it went down, I’d like your phone number and credit card info.

Dumbya then called for retroactive immunity for those companies because he understood very well that they had violated the law and the Constitution and were they ever held accountable, well then, he would be too.

So the sycophantic Republicans floated a bill to make everything milk and honey for the telecom giants and therefore Dick-in-Bush. I was proud of the Democrats when they stood on principle and said no fucking way.

Responding on January 28, our man Obama said:
“I strongly oppose retroactive immunity in the FISA bill.

Ever since 9/11, this Administration has put forward a false choice between the liberties we cherish and the security we demand.

The FISA court works. The separation of power works. We can trace, track down and take out terrorists while ensuring that our actions are subject to vigorous oversight, and do not undermine the very laws and freedom that we are fighting to defend.

No one should get a free pass to violate the basic civil liberties of the American people – not the President of the United States, and not the telecommunications companies that fell in line with his warrantless surveillance program. We have to make clear the lines that cannot be crossed.

That is why I am co-sponsoring Senator Dodd’s amendment to remove the immunity provision. Secrecy must not trump accountability. We must show our citizens – and set an example to the world – that laws cannot be ignored when it is inconvenient.” -firedoglake.com

For what it’s worth, The Little Paste Eater stood proud and quoted Ben Franklin to remind us that those who would sacrifice liberty for safety deserve neither.

What’s worse is what we did. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi along with a hundred and five Democrats, aided in passage of a bill that DOES provide immunity for the telecom arm of the plutocracy. Our own man Obama brought gravel chunks of salt to the laceration by declaring his support for the “compromise”

He said in a published statement:

“It does, however, grant retroactive immunity, and I will work in the Senate to remove this provision so that we can seek full accountability for past offenses.” -Salon.com

Let’s cut to the chase. He says this, knowing full well how unlikely such an effort is to enjoy the remotest chance of success. Even Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid acknowledged the dubiousness of such.

Fuck this shit. It’s a fool’s errand and Mr. Obama is no fool.

They all know it will pass the Senate as though lubricated with Crisco. So easily was it shat by the House after insertion of a suppository chock full of fear, terrorism and national security paranoia.

Mr. Obama, fuck this shit.

You are here, a man who will most likely be the next President of The United States of America, because we the people have put you here. We put you here, because we have been led to believe that this is precisely the brand of malfeasance you will fight against. You have ignited in us a hope, that this brand of fuckery will not be allowed, not tolerated, not even negotiated.

The law has been broken and you know it.

The idea that you would break our hearts this early, in context of a principle this vital, disturbs and gives me pause. Thus far, despite your imperfections, I’ve believed in you. In this instance however, I simply cannot abide. It makes me furious that otherwise my choice is an asshat like McCain.

Don’t do this to me. Don’t do it to us. When, inevitably, efforts to remove immunity from the bill fail, vote against it. Stand on principle, the rule of law and most important, why we have come to believe in you.

Tests for you so far have been Fisher Price, pale, in the face of this most important one so far. There is no room to move here. It is as black and white as a moral imperative can be.

Vote against it. I almost care less about the outcome than I do your vote.

What exactly are you so afraid of?

Hey Barry, this isn’t change we can believe in.

Drinks for my friends.

Sheezus! Our man opts out of public financing worth about eighty five million dollars and instead, decides to bet on his own fundraising prowess where he’s so far been able to accumulate around a quarter billion.

Duh.

The ‘duh’ is my sentiment, but Candy Crowley just uttered it on CNN.

You can bet your vagina that if the situation were reversed, the former champions of amassing massive war chests, that would be Republicans, would bust the very same move.

For what it’s worth, Barack raised his money in large part from the people, in small donations. Republicans typically benefit from corporate money.

In all fairness, it is a reversal on the part of our man. However, it is a practical and intelligent decision for Barack to utilize the funds provided by individual American citizens who want to see him as President. Doubtfire calls him a flip flopper less than a week after doing the very same thing on an issue far more important; offshore drilling and expolration. Why, experts speculate that could save us a dollar a barrel in a decade or so. I thought I came up with that last point myself, and I did. Carville beat me to the punch just now on CNN.

Not only that but the poor bastard is pissed because he’s completely outmatched.

Prescience is mine. I hope.

I hope this man will remain accountable to the citizens, the Americans, who have and will fund his ascendancy to the White House because we hope and understand the fierce urgency of now. The imperative for change.

Consider the alternative. See? You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Yesterday his campaign ended up in a minor shitstorm for not allowing some women in tradititional muslim garb to appear behind our man on camera. “Insensitive”, they said. The pot indignantly describes the kettle as more black. The culture fomented by fear mongers and bigots under the guise of terrorism is the reason, right or wrong. The media insists it’s a story. It’s not our story. It’s not that we don’t care, it’s just we’re painfully aware from whence it came.

All I have to say to Cindy Stepford McCain is shut the fuck up. She says she’s always been proud of her country. Well, that’s jingoistic, nationalistic and just plain stupid. She thinks she speaks of patriotism, it’s abundantly clear she has no clue.

Did she take pride in Abu Ghraib? How about the assassinations of 1968? Is she taking pride in the geopolitical/economic disaster her husband has not only been complicit in but helped to engineer? How about the savings and loan scandal her which husband escaped unscathed? How proud of her country and her husband was she when the Little Bootlicker hugged Dumbya and endorsed him after losing the nomination in part for him being accused of fathering an illegitimate black child that they in fact adopted? Or when he voted against fair treatment and a modest education for our troops returning home from an unjustified war in Iraq? Slavery? Was she proud when her doddering husband suggested there was nothing wrong with staying in Iraq for a hundred years? New Orleans? Plamegate? Executive priviledge? Suspension of Habeas Corpus? Tax cuts for the rich? Sean Hannity? Rush Limbaugh? Ann Coulter? Bill O’Reilly? Is she proud of her country for slaughter after slaughter of millions of innocent civilians caught between competing corporate financial interests over the last five decades?

I for one, have been profoundly ashamed of all these things and it’s an abbreviated version of a very long list.

She’s proud of getting richer while everyone else gets poorer.

The phenomena of Barack Obama is reason for me to be be proud of my country for the first time in a very long time. So is Michelle Obama for that matter. They are both, a class act. I can’t wait.

Cindy Stepford McCain might be an asshole, just like the rest of them.

Drinks for my friends.

and they will wake up the same way. I started to bail at halftime. Did my homework. Turned on the sound, saw the score and walked away. Went back to ABC later to learn the final score was one thousand to six (131-92).

McCain shows up on Kimmel and the stick up his ass manages to actually whack him in the head a half a dozen times. It was wild. It just kept waving around. He was trying to protect his head but the poor bastard just kept saying stupid shit and a wooden cudgel emerged from his ass and kept beaning him on his skull with only fine grey baby hair to protect his softening pate.

It was more painful, and therefore funnier, than the game. I think McCain may have just jumped the shark. He holds his own against Stewart but Kimmel didn’t care. Sucker punched Doubtfire over and over. It was pretty awesome.

Watch Kimmel with the sound off, the first thing you notice is he never really opens his eyes. It’s disturbing until you turn the sound back on and he’s actually pretty funny. Kimmel and Pasty McSquinty share blood somewhere.

He pulled the tail off the Bootlicker but it’s no thing. McCain is amphibious, a salamander with miraculous powers of regeneration. By tomorrow morning he’ll have a new nub. By Sunday he’ll be swinging more in the back than in front.

Got Gore endorsing Our Man yesterday. Better late than never. He was waiting for Hills to walk. Politics tastes like dirt to him these days. I’ve been thinking about the cabinet lately. Time to start working on that. I got some ideas. Expect a full report soon.

A Grammy, an Oscar and the Nobel. Hometown boy makes good after being the Vice President for eight years and winning a Presidential election. Like a phoenix, he rose from the ashes of defeat and shame.

By the way, Albert Gore will not be your next Vice President. Not going to happen. There’s a place for him in this cabinet though.

The midwest is underwater and it ain’t over yet. It’s always ugly somewhere in America.

Lately it’s ugly just about everywhere in America.

In other news, Doubtfire has joined our Arsonists Laureate, Dick-in-Bush, for another round of the “let’s drill in enviromentally sensitive areas for a thimbleful of crude that we won’t see for a decade instead of investing in a new infrastructure of alternative fuels that may just create new industry and opportunity for entrepreneurialship and growth, both financially and technologically.”

It was that kind of day.

That sentence may make my top ten.

Drinks for my friends.

Today was a dark day in the great state of California. The dreaded marriage of faggots, dykes and lezbos was allowed to commence. What have we done? The venerated institution of marriage has been soiled. Shat upon by liberals and sissy lovers. Next thing you know, they’ll be marrying their pets or monkeys (I’ll be polygamist).

Woe is us.

David Lee Roth once said of this state something like, they tipped the map and everyone with a screw loose rolled to the left coast. As an agnostic, I just need to say, thank God I live here.

The same institution that until early last century legally posited a woman was a man’s property upon betrothal. The same institution that forbade the matrimony of an African American to one of European extraction until even later. The same institution that fails utterly and completely, at least half the time, with the carnage of children in it’s wake. The same institution that was the catalyst for delivering redneck bigots to the polls for the last Presidential contest in drooling, knuckle dragging packs.

Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council, pause for the laugh track, “decried the decision as a typical case of judicial activism in which the court overrode the will of the people. Too bad, the Family Research Council actually fought to have the will of the majority overturned when “the people of Oregon passed a law authorizing voluntary assisted suicide for the terminally ill.” -The Daily Fuel

What a tool. It was allowed because the California Supreme Court declared it unconstitutional. Hey Tony, keep your Jesus off my penis.

Now it’s going to be on the ballot. Again.

We have seen numerous examples in our nation’s history where the “will of the people” isn’t necessarily congruent with justice, compassion or fairness. This issue, in my mind, is overwhelmingly elementary. Homosexuality is congenital. It therefore belongs exclusively to the context of civil rights. Period. Next?

I’m reasonably certain most who would deny this civil right to their fellow human, have never even known, tried or wanted to know a gay person. What would they find if they did? They would discover, other than sexual preference, they are just like the rest of us. Some good, some bad, but almost all having the capacity for love, unless it was beaten out of them by some racist homophobe who’s masculinity was threatened.

The news was juxtaposed with footage of a lesbian couple that had been together since Ike was President, gingerly slicing a wedding cake. How cool, and just what the fuck is wrong with that?

I understand the terrible engine behind this idiocy combusts on fear and ignorance. What I don’t understand is what there is to be so afraid of.

I’m grateful time seems able to slowly but deliberately render discrimination obsolete as it’s practitioners are driven into shame filled closets of their own. Prisoners of their own device.

Drinks for my friends.

That’s what we call it. I began utilizing the action (?) as an alternative to the more customary handshake while doing trade shows a handful of years ago.

I’m a little bit of a germaphobe and it seemed an appropriate way to avoid sweaty hands, urine and booger residue. This one guy, big account in the midwest, could throw thirty to fifty thousand our way on a single order. Cool guy. Chronic hyperhidrosis.

He pretty much inspired me to join the cult of the “TERRORIST FIST JAB”.

I’m also a fan of what I call “ass gaskets”. I’m loathe to use a public restroom but I’m a pretty regular guy, if you’re picking up what I’m laying down.

I apologize to all of America for engaging in such blatant and overt support of killing the innocent and subverting Christian dogma. Not only am I a fool, but a patsy as well. I’ve been duped.

I saw that speech where that married couple who might be muslim terrorists did the dreaded “TERRORIST FIST JAB”. I saw it live. I’m ashamed. At the time I thought it was cool. His kinda hot wife gave her man knuckles.

We Americans are so naive and I’m not exempt. What I processed as a simple, perhaps somewhat hip gesture, was really a well understood signal by a pair of evil doers to the evil doers of the world to do more evil.

This is old news to some of you but I just happened onto this raging controversy today. My friend and sometimes sugar momma mentioned it as we jaywalked to my apartment after she sprung for sushi and beer.

“During the June 6 edition of Fox News’ America’s Pulse, host E.D. Hill teased an upcoming discussion by saying, “A fist bump? A pound? A terrorist fist jab? The gesture everyone seems to interpret differently.” In the ensuing discussion with Janine Driver — whom Hill introduced as “a body language expert” — Hill referred to the “Michelle and Barack Obama fist bump or fist pound,” adding that “people call it all sorts of things.” Hill went on to ask Driver: “Let’s start with the Barack and Michelle Obama, because that’s what most people are writing about — the fist thump. Is that sort of a signal that young people get?” At no point during the discussion did Hill explain her earlier reference to “a terrorist fist jab.” -crooksandliars.com

Mirror mirror on the wall, who be the most simple minded jingoistic network of all?

This is the silliest shit I’ve ever seen. Color me fucking dumbfounded.

The lowest watermark in public discourse I’ve ever witnessed. That there isn’t widespread outrage over it is definitive proof that we are a nation of dumbasses. I heard on Stewart tonight that only one in seven Americans can find Iraq on a map.

We have managed to elevate a fine man all the way to the contest for President of this once great country. He is perhaps the finest to run for that office in almost half a century.

Fox news can suck a fart out of my ass.

Drinks for my friends.

It’s more than interesting, all this speculation. The pundits pontificating, the dumb ones bloviating.

Benedict Fliptop was Gore’s choice and I thought it was a mistake at the time. I’m not sure it cost him much at all in the end. People don’t really vote for a Vice President.

Here’s a list of who I’d like to see McCain pick:

Mitt Romney. Guy Smiley. Consumate asshat. Magic underwear combined with abject cluelessness. Talk about an intellectual boat anchor. Forgive me but I’m of the opinion that the man named Mitt is the biggest fuckhead to ever run for President.

Big Jim Slade. Doubtfire could use a man of African heritage with a penis. A big penis.

Johnny Horton. Wrote some pretty good patriotic songs. Unfortunately he’s been dead for almost half a century.

Skeletor. Rudy Giuliani. He’s a complete idiot and it would be very funny.

The Mormon Tabernacle Choir. The chaos would be awesome. When the Bootlicker expires by simply turning to dust, I’ll be looking forward to press conferences with a nice melody.

Shug Knight. He’ll get arrested within the first month for beating the shit out of some prominent Democrat and trying to shake them down.

Bob Dole. He’s hysterically funny without meaning to be or even realizing it and he’s pretty old too.

Marty Feldman and Don Knotts. Just picture it. Ocular buggery.

A woman with a nice big ass. Just because I like that.

Hefty rack on her too.

Gore Vidal. I bet he’d piss in every corner of the Oval Office for which an opportunity became available. Could be counted on to get drunk and disparage his boss consistently wherever cameras are rolling.

Jesus. I bet he’d piss in every corner of the Oval Office for which an opportunity became available. Could be counted on to get drunk and disparage his boss consistently wherever cameras are rolling.

The Jolly Green Giant. Ho ho ho, Green Giant!

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Doubtfire wrestled in high school and I’d really like to see them go at it on TV in front of everyone. They’re about the same size but the Iranian President is much younger. Leaner, more muscular. Smells better. Old Spice vs. something by Fabergé.

Start by imagining them both in unitards.

Not sure which is meaner.

But, I’m thinking Ahmadinejad, (red ‘tard), would make short work of McCain (blue ‘tard). It would be genius television. Right there behind the podium. Doubtfire would tap out of course. He’d do that creepy chuckle at the post game press conference and have Mahmoud beset by Vietnamese Ninja before midnight.

Despite the rather obvious potential for death, hundreds would line up for a shot at McCain.

Where am I going with this? I must confess, I have no idea. It’s like I’m smoking reason. I mean resin.

Larry King is on with Hulk Hogan and a guy I assume is the Hulk’s lawyer. The sound is off. This lawyer guy has the worst toupee I’ve ever seen and it looks like it’s covering a fresh brain surgery wound. I’m really not sure what I’m seeing. I refuse to unmute it. I just can’t.

I’ll feel dirty and common.

There’s that and the fact that I don’t give a mad fuck about Hulk Hogan or his kid. No ill will, I just don’t care.

Indulge me for a second. It’s not like I think he’s a bad guy, I simply have no reason to care about his struggles anymore than anyone else I don’t know. He’s a celebrity but he hasn’t done anything important. He’s no Stephen Hawking, Eddie Van Halen, Steinbeck or Capote.

His clothes are ridiculous. He amuses me. Like a clown. I wish him the best. No reason not to.

Where were we?

Drinks for my friends.

Why that would be our man. The Little Paste Eater. Dennis Kucinich introduced thirty five articles of impeachment against Dumbya in the House o’ Reps last night.

He’s already delivered a carp in newspaper to Darth Cheney. Cheney had it deposited in a dumpster far from his residence and shot the man who delivered it in the crotch with an antique blunderbuss. There were reports claiming his footwear was very pointy that afternoon.

I would not deign to tongue the sack of the esteemed Paste Eater myself but I can be counted on to pitch in for hookers and booze. I’m good like that and everyone knows a man needs his balls licked now and then. I’m just goddamn giddy over this. Kucinich rocks.

Didn’t see it on TV today. After all it was really only about illegally spying on us and lying about every aspect of the war.

I understand Britney is contemplating having her vagina removed.

Did you hear McClellan is gonna show up before the House Judiciary?

Oh, and the second part of some Senate intelligence report came out last Thursday saying pretty much the same thing.

It’s nuts. One of the most logical reasons to leave Iraq is that there was a complete absence of logical reasons to show up and do what we did. If you sincerely believe the world is safer, you’re an idiot.

If you think we’re fighting them over there so we don’t have to fight them over here you’re not being intellectually honest with yourself and you might be an idiot.

If you believe you’re better off than you were six or seven years ago, you’re rich and most likely greedy. Or, you’re an idiot. Not mutually exclusive terms by the way.

If you think the health of the planet is not being influenced by the fact that their’s too fucking many of us you’re being intellectually dishonest with your bad self. Good chance you’re an idiot.

If you’re of the opinion that John McCain is going to do anything other than add tonnage to your financial burden, you have ‘assfasia’. A condition where one’s face resembles ones ass so closely that the bowels are confused as to which way to move. Same diagnosis if you’re of the mind that he has a clue about what to do in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan or any country that starts with a U.

Braincheck.

I’ll be urging you to eschew obfuscation and avoid being stupid until early November.

Drinks for my friends.

Is it a good thing that stupid people don’t realize they’re stupid?

If it’s good, who exactly is it good for?

The stupid? Yes. For them at least, it may be good. Like a handicap you’re not aware of. Everyone allows you a certain amount of trespass you wouldn’t normally be afforded. Because you’re stupid.

What about the rest of us? These fuckers can be dangerous. They cause traffic accidents and bar fights. Power failures and endless wars. They are the chronically dim. Forever in twilight. They bring us grief on a scale that is overwhelming when compared to their actual prowess.

What do we do with them?

We need for them to own their stupidity. If they understand they’re stupid perhaps their expectations will be lower. I think the logically inept ought to be given handicapped placards so they’re not circling endlessly in parking structures. I really like that word ‘placard’.

Stupid people should board early at the terminal. Seat the drooling fucks first so the rest of us won’t be disgusted or inconvenienced by their confusion.

Stupid people should not be allowed to write checks in any retail business. They don’t understand the common courtesy of having most of it filled out beforehand and they’re instantly confused with writing out the total numerically as well as in english.

Maybe they shouldn’t have checking accounts. Maybe they shouldn’t be allowed to drive. I wonder if we shouldn’t set cognitive benchmarks for people to be able to take advantage of some of life’s privileges.

Like if your IQ isn’t at least in the triple digits, you’re not allowed to drive or operate heavy machinery. Ever think we might be better off if both members of a couple were required to write a few paragraphs with nothing less than complete sentences before being allowed to reproduce?

I know that last one was rough but c’mon. Where are all the dipshits coming from? They come from other dipshits. Don’t be stupid. Please. They are breeding!

I’m in favor of taking their cell phones away.

I know we can’t impose such rules, but the dipshits really piss me off. They vote. That worries me. They are chronically underinformed and unable to process what little they’re able to take in. They dress funny. Then they sit in front of you on a yellow light while waiting to take a left and the oncoming traffic has ceased. I’m never suprised to see a McCain or Bush bumper sticker.

Either one of those is an idiot’s flag. I adore that they are proud enough of their guilelessness to wave a freak flag so ostentatiously. I’m impressed by more than any other idiocy, the abject hubris of not understanding just how dumb you are.

Inevitably it ends up being a gift of lesson for most of us.

They give us something to rise above.

Is there a way that we can keep them away from us and among themselves while still allowing them access to Ralph’s and Starbucks?

I’m not looking to punish them. They can’t help it.

I just don’t want them around me. Interacting with me. I don’t want them to touch me. I’m confident they hardly ever wash their hands.

Hot dogs are flavorful and they’re special too.

Drinks for my friends.

It’s crazy. Where we are.

Interesting that I write about ’68 and it’s relevancy and a few days later CNN has a special report.

I’m prescient bitch!

The Pantsuit spoke today. I’m such a goddamn pushover. I liked it. I believed her. She needs to show us. I’m not about to let her off the hook. I think she’ll walk the walk. It was the best speech by her I’ve seen.

This will be fascinating. I promise you he will be evaluating her as VP while watching Big Bad Bill very closely. She’ll be interning in one way or another with a handful of other junior execs.

She did very well today. I am glad. I hate it when she sucks. I do like her. Kinda.

I used to tell young bands, the first trick is the record deal, the second trick is making a good record, the third trick is mastering the universe. Until you’ve completed the first two, don’t even think about the third.

I can’t wait for a debate between Our Man and the Little Bootlicker. I wanna see Doubtfire lose his cool. He cannot possibly hope to match wits with Our Man. Even if he’s firing on all cylinders, he’s simply not bright enough.

There will be no simpering or embarrassment by the party of the first part. It’s possible there will be some degree from the party of the second part.

Having said that, I urge you all to pay attention to this campaign. Please do so while keeping your wits about you. Notice the proud and capable man our party has selected. For over a year I’ve been saying what we need is as much change as we can get.

Now it hangs right in front of you.

I’m not here to bang a drum. I’m here to point things out. You may need me to point this out.

Vote for this cat. Barack Obama is the best we’ve seen in a long time and if you let this go, we’ll slide over an edge to land in something that will be our demise. We’re that close.

I want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Grape jelly, chunky peanut butter. Choosey mothers choose JIF and I like Smuckers. I could hoover one. I see myself needing the Heimlich maneuver. An obscure German tank operation your grandparents feared.

Talking to all of you is great but I need to spend time thinking about teeth whitening options. Other things too. I admit I’m listening to Count Basie.

I can’t help it. He was a genius. Sounds like flowers. Fireworks or a starry night. Oh boy. I mean goddamn.

Drinks for my friends.

Nothing really happened.

A good friend I haven’t spoken to in at least twenty years left a message on my cell the other day. I called him back.

We talked for almost two hours just now. He’s a surgeon. Painfully bright and very funny. He used to puke out the window of my VW bug after an evening of Long Island Iced Teas when we were underage. Turns out he’s comedically conservative but we still have plenty in common. A welcome catharsis. Left me with a smile.

Watched about three quarters of NBA finals game one, had to switch to Stewart/Colbert. I hear the Celtics had their way. I’m in awe of how insipid post game punditry is. Phil Jackson fascinates though. He’s got a big ass brain.

Pro athletes aren’t typically the most articulate or eloquent.

I’m convinced Paul Pierce indulged us with a little thespianism. Ah well, effectively executed.

I understand the Pantsuit invited our man over to her pad in DC tonight for some face time and maybe a little arm wrestling. Think they watched the game and played a little one on one? How tall is he? Can he dunk? The skinny thus far tells of something private and fairly intimate. I’m guessing she was looking to make her case on her own turf. Fundamental Art of War, chapter one.

I wonder how much we’ll actually learn about it.

My ear feed says now they didn’t meet at her place. Whatever. Her favorite saloon then. The staff knows her and doesn’t pay a mind when she gets heated and brandishes a nickel plated Smith & Wesson.

This just in from Yahoo News: “Obama is seeking to become the first black president”. This is gonna be huge. Who saw this coming? Not just President, but the very first negro one. Watch this story catch fire. We in journalism predict it will have “legs”.

I picture the Pantsuit getting tipsy and surly. I don’t think Michelle is with him. I see Hills lunge for his crotch with crazy eyes. Bill cackles freely in the very next room. He’s watching TV with a voluptuous young brunette but the sound is off. Terry McAuliffe, I think of him as “Chip”, is on premises. Chip is in the nearest closet rubbing one out. Launching a bootlace as it were.

The Secret Service is pulling their hair out. They hate this shit.

Chelsea spends hour after hour applying and re-applying makeup while reading Nabokov.

Our man pretends to answer his phone. He nods and grunts. He makes apologies and informs everyone that he has a sick daughter at home. Pleasantries are exchanged. His limo actually squeals out of the driveway. Inside, a handful of people including the Senator, laugh with relief as they pull onto the road.

In an oddly portentous and perhaps not unrelated development, a profoundly disturbed team of Dick-in-Bush surrogates are poised at the grave of one Richard Milhous Nixon. They are well appointed with tools to move earth. The idea is to resurrect as much black dripping hate as can be had. The operation is code named “ANWR”.

You may think this is a sign of desperation. It is. Relax though, Republicans have long courted the supernatural. Look how pale they are. You know those big ticket fundraisers behind closed doors? There’s a guy in a monkey suit walking by every couple minutes with a tray full of crackers quivering with gelatinous eye of newt. They drink blood mixed with absinthe at these things.

There is wife swapping, drug smoking and therefore a fair number of libertarians. Ross Perot is passing out mints in the bathroom trying to muscle in on the tips meant for the attendant.

And you thought liberals knew how to have fun.

This one is for you Lance.

Drinks for my friends.

What a difference a day makes. Twenty four little hours.

The Pantsuit is gonna walk as of Saturday.

The jury is still out on whether she’s coveting assistant manager or just pining to be asked.

The nail in that tire is Big Bad Bill. He’s made it pretty obvious the last few months that he’s a House Afire. Doesn’t appear as he can help it. I’ve been a William Jefferson fan for near two decades. Not perfect but one hell of a human as well as a damn good President.

Without a doubt, he’s been pissing on a few parades lately while shilling for his wife the Pantsuit. Ugly. Kind of ironic that he’s suddenly a boat anchor attached to her chances for for any gig better than crew chief. The way they behaved, I’d start them both at the fry station and shitter duty.

What Bill can giveth, Bill may taketh away.

Were Hills to become our VP, I’m pretty sure I’d come to loathe our man. I’m not looking forward to that.

What I’d like to see is Bubba as Secretary of State. He would rock that shit. Diplomacy, without his wife as an imperative, is a suit he wears better than anyone.

Some pundit floated the idea of Joe Biden the other day. We likes us some Biden. He’s a bit of a loose lipped cashier, however. My Mother suggested Edwards for AG. Awesome. Other ideas for VP are Wes Clark and Ed Rendell.

I like Clark. Solid. Four Star General. Screwed the pooch by starting his last bid for President way too late. West Point valedictorian and Rhodes Scholar among other things. This guy is smart and might be a good choice given the size of his lumber in a national security debate.

I don’t know much about Ed Rendell. Governor of Pennsylvania. Seems to be kind of a blowhard but not stupid. Not VP material.

What matters most today is how the Pantsuit comports herself over the next little while. Anything less than grace, gratitude, respect and sincere enthusiasm will not pass. I’m sure it sucks to be her right now but it’s time to man up. There’s still a much bigger picture to be painted.

The world will wait until Saturday, but it wouldn’t hurt to get started sooner. Nice start at AIPAC today even though they kinda suck. Time to be classy and cooperative. Don’t be stupid. Send Bill on holiday and show us you give a mad fuck.

Drinks for my friends.