Archive for the ‘McCain’ Category

This is ridiculous.

He’s lost his mind.

The first half of the day, I was genuinely confused.

Sarah Palin?

Let’s begin with the abundantly obvious. She has been the Governor of a remote, sparsley populated state for less than two years. Proir to that she was *gasp*, on the city council, then Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, a population of somewhere over five thousand. I assume they have traffic lights and indoor conveniences. Possibly an unsactioned militia or two.

Creationism is taught in the schools of her state and she’s on board with it. She’s anti-abortion and pro-gun. She’s practically Ted goddamn Nugent when it comes to hunting. Former aspiring beauty queen still squeezing out puppies at forty four years of age.

And they say she’s smart. A real go getter. Sheezus! Let’s consider her for Postmaster General.

The jacked up long shot political calculus is that they somehow think this woman can bring evangelicals, social conservatives, and as many ignorant women as they can fool.

Yeah, good luck with that. Keep swinging for the fences. Try using a bat.

What we have here, is as shallow and transparent an example of political brinksmanship I have ever witnessed in a Presidential contest.

Doubtfire has met her twice. Or maybe only once. We don’t know. He is seventy two. He’s had cancer four times. Both his father and grandfather died of heart failure at an age younger than he. He is saying that this woman is the best qualified person in America to be Commander in Chief should he lose the fifty fifty wager that he’ll take the dirt nap at any moment after his inauguration.

Are you comfortable with that? This is the only question I want Republicans to answer. Don’t tell me there are other factors or that it’s not the point because it’s the top of the ticket that matters.

Answer. Yes or No?

Forgive me kids, it’s just a little more suspension of disbelief than I can manage.

It’s reckless, irresponsible, stupid and selfish. The hypocrisy and hubris is profound enough to inspire my jaw to slacken so completely as to allow drool to spill freely from my face. Bear with me while I change my dampened blouse and fashion a bib.

James Carville could barely keep a straight face or suppress his own urge to laugh tonight on CNN.

It amounts to this. Game over.

I’m relieved that it’s not going to matter at all.

I’m pretty sure this latest boot heel on dick move by McCain will prove to be his demise. He’s done. Look for the fork wagging from his back. There will be a sign on it that says kick me, I just shit myself.

John McCain needs a riding lawn mower and some grass to cut.

Drinks for my friends.

We would do well to understand that the entire world wants Our Man to be President.

It behooves us to understand why. Why they will breathe a sigh of relief once Barack Obama is elected is something we should be keenly aware of. We need to disabuse ourselves of the notion that the interest of the world in our political process is a bad thing.

Why would we think that anyway?

The rest of earth’s people are watching, more than ever before and that’s a very good thing. A very important thing.

See America, this election is far larger than us. The planet is holding it’s breath.

So am I.

Understand that these traditional divisions by which we so willingly seperate ourselves no longer matter. Red or blue, conservative vs. liberal, are concepts that have become obsolete. Barack Obama is an American. He is a citizen of the world. Just like you. Just like me.

This is what the global community hopes we will arrive at. The rest of the world has long since held the competition between our conflicting ideologies to be silly. What wiser Americans hope can be put behind us, is what Our Man said “enough” to tonight.

He had plenty else to say but that’s a chunk of what I got.

Forgive me for being not so concerned about specific positions and pontification on policy when it comes to a campaign speech. He acquitted rather aggressively in that regard and I liked it. In Doubtfire’s face. Right in his pasty sour little face.

Those things however, are better suited to the personal task of actually READING what the candidates have to say on specifics. The onus is still on the individual to do a little homework. Sorry kids, required reading is of both candidates. Think of it as your civic duty; because it is.

Sometimes, someone comes along. That someone ends up being exactly what we need. JFK, MLK and yes LBJ. It happens because of the need instead of the someone. A result of the circumstance as opposed to the man. That’s what Our Man wants us to comprehend. It is a concept that we must go beyond understanding. We need to own it.

He’s trying to tell us it’s not him, it’s us.

What he asks of us is not just to elect him. What he asks is that upon getting that done, we join him in making things right. He is challenging us to help, while he leads. To stand against a military industrial complex that holds an entire planet in it’s grip. To speak truth to power and wield common sense for the common good against plutocracy, theocracy and ideology.

He’s imploring us to pay attention and to participate.

There are two parts to his message. Elect him as a leader and then follow him.

And, maybe get on with the most important task of saving us all.

Boys and girls, better times are ahead if we will only stop being afraid and take matters into our own hands. Stop allowing a media run amok to dictate what you think. Start paying attention and begin to make up your own minds.

“And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country.” -John Fitzgerald Kennedy

“It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked “insufficient funds.” But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check — a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quick sands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God’s children.”

“It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro’s legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.”

“I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal.”

“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.”

That’s poetry.

Absolutely had to go there.

Drinks for my friends.

As far as I’m concerned, the Clintons have done their job. Passionate, sincere speeches full to bursting with conviction and enthusiasm. The matriarch and the patriarch of the Democratic party have gracefully bequeathed the Democratic flame.

Well done Bill. Well done Hillary. Very well done.

I mean at the very least, we know Bill to be an expert liar, but I bought his message tonight. Call me crazy.

I must tell you, my optimism is renewed.

“Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don’t stop, it’ll soon be here,
It’ll be, better than before,
Yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone.” -Fleetwood Mac

Amen.

Be afraid you willfully ignorant Republicans. Be scared shitless.

I’m an American. I love my country and what it has stood for. It is time for us to stand for those things again. I say fuck you John McCain. In light of the policies you endorse and the ideals you embrace, I’m more than willing to question your patriotism. I’m here to question your judgement. I’m here to seriously question your sanity.

I’m not as anxious to cut you the slack everyone else seems so willing to afford you. I think you’re wrong, anachronistic, obsolete and absurd. I think you suck and you’re bad for America and the world.

I gotta tell ya, this convention is good stuff. The Democratic party has been gathering steam for years and they are about to explode all over America. No worries, it’ll be like a warm spring rain. Not sticky at all.

The Republicans have nothing but ad hominem rhetoric, fear and divisiveness. They sure as hell have nothing on the issues. They have rent the American ethic asunder, without apology, without remorse. They have no business attempting to cast aspersions on those of us who dare to think outside of their stupid, pitifully small box. How dare they question us after how badly they have screwed it all up in so short a time.

Ever notice how their eyes are way too close together? And they squint when they think hard.

As my old producing partner Al used to say, there’s a fine line between clever and stupid.

Then there’s Joe.

There is perhaps no better person in the U.S. Senate than Joe Biden. Know how I know? After thirty six years in the United States Senate, he’s it’s poorest member. On paper, he’s not worth shit. He’s in debt. My kinda guy.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the perfect ticket. A man of hope and optimism and the intelligence to see it through and a man with the experience and the goddamn down in the dirt kick your ass toughness to get shit done.

My man Biden parked it tonight. It was not one inch short of gorgeous. Biden is the shit. Powerful, pissed and righteous.

Republicans may as well sit this one out. Why show up if you’re just gonna get your ass handed to you? Why behave in public if you’re living on a playground? Stay home. Have a few beers and don’t worry. You only stand to benefit here, even though you may not deserve it.

What we have here, is a successful communication. Yes we do.

Doubtfire will go down in flames because he has it coming. He deserves it.

And really, this is far larger than either he or his faithful, or party-line Republicans have the capacity to grasp. It’s weird that it’s beyond them, but it is.

Drinks for my friends.

I was troubled after the CNN presentation of interviews with both candidates by the leader of the Saddleback Church, Rick Warren.

Question number one is who is this friendly bastard and why is he here? National Television. An influential religious figure gets this kind of airtime on a cable news network?

All I care to know is he heads a megachurch. The fourth largest in the country. The biggest in the biggest state of California.

So you know, fuck him. Ha! That much power in the venue of God and fear and the fear of God, discredits the man entirely in my book.

Ever seen “There Will Be Blood”?

He seemed nice enough. Some of the questions were compelling.

John “conception” McCain did very well. The bar was low but he succeeded in raising it. You know, they said the same about Dumbya. So yeah, Doubtfire did quite well and that pains me of course. He was direct and resolute. Simple. I imagine he’d just had his cocktail of vitamins and stimulants via the nightly needle.

Our Man was far more conversational and relaxed. Yes, he was nuanced. Profoundly. When he spoke of the humility we must maintain when confronting evil because too much harm has been done in the name of good for example. Eloquent and salient. This guy is good.

The thing is this, that honest and thoughtful shit doesn’t always play in Peoria or Clearwater. That’s a shame.

I’m angry. I’m over having to make room for the stupid, lazy and underinformed. It doesn’t take a genius to see we’re fucked and the group that’s fucking us are all dressed the same with similar haircuts. The codgers all sport the “Doubtfire”. The Dorothy Hamill for the pasty set. Often they look like their pink heads are about to combust under their pale gossamer combovers.

Except the insurgents, they look like us. They talk liberal but vote neocon.

What that is, is talking complex to obfuscate ignorance. Willfull ignorance.

I have empathy for the authentically stupid.

I have disdain for the willfully ignorant. They disgust me. Intellectually dishonest, most likely greedy and dispassionate.

Sometimes it all seems so hopeless.

I talked to two good old friends today. Older and younger by about the same amount. Both very good men. I have a much stronger bond with one of them but it doesn’t matter here. The older was far more pessimistic than my younger friend. I was curious to find myself in the middle. It struck me that chronologically, my veiws were predictable. Typical.

Then I considered the company I was in. That thought became a bit of a revelation. I flirted with epiphany.

It never quite came.

The older said truthfully that we can and always will do worse.

The younger said honestly that he believes we will do better and there is a way.

I have Deja Vu.

Drinks for my friends.

McCain: “In The 21st Century Nations Don’t Invade Other Nations”

Sheezus!

This from a moron who doesn’t understand the difference between Sunni and Shia or that there even is one. This from a man so obtuse as to say in a primary debate that Americans are better off than four or eight years ago. This from a man so ignorant and stupid as to describe an appearance in Baghdad acommpanied by blackhawk helicopters and dozens of heavily armed soldiers as no different than a Sunday afternoon stroll in some bucolic American neighborhood.

Word is he’s thinking about Lieberman as a running mate. That beats Romney in absurdity by a mile.

The problem is that this idiot is a serious contender for President of The United States. The problem is that there are that many dipshits voting.

Obviously, Iraq means America and the Bush administration have virtually no credibility or authority regarding the conflict between Russia and Georgia. So absent either in fact, they look silly trying to talk about it.

Russia has basically invited Dumbya to piss up a rope.

The Keystone Cops, indeed.

Next we have this asswipe, Jerome Corsi, dropping another turd of a tome filled with copious quantities of complete bullshit about Our Man. The aforementioned voters, well, the ones that can actually read, will no doubt hoover this crap like it’s the next New Testament or some cheesy bodice ripper with extra large print and a diminutive number of adjectives.

I cannot wrap my brain around the fact that this is even a contest. I’ve said that before. I doubt it’s the last time. I can’t help but lament what looks for all the world like willful ignorance. Ten percent still believe our man to be Muslim. So what if he was? Turns out he’s a Christian. At least he’s nondenominational. I have no more or less respect for Christians than Muslims. Why would I? I’ll bet the ratio between crazy fanatics and well intentioned altruists is near identical.

Who knows how many Muslims are pedophiles with autonomy granted by their faith?

Wake up. Muslims are no more a threat than any other group, religion or country on this bright blue marble. What will it take to convince the great unwashed to stop panicking at shadows and think for themselves?

People amaze me.

For the record, I’m reading Vincent Bugliosi’s “The Prosecution of George W. Bush for Murder” and he’s pretty pissed. On Deck is Pasty McSquinty’s “What Happened”. I’m really looking forward to Ron Suskind’s new one.

Whatever.

Drinks for my friends.

I find myself again in position to beg your indulgence for the day’s most prominent issue.

See, what I can’t quite digest is the idea that somehow Our Man’s biggest liability has become his charisma. The great unwashed have been convinced to be suspicious of Obama’s incredible gravity.

They pay no time or mind to why he’s in possession of such copious magnetism. What the hopeful see in him. They have yet to ask themselves exactly why he is so special.

Instead, they choose to impugn him for it. Millions of knees jerking in unison.

Ignorant fucks.

Why?

Fear.

Fear of the unfamiliar. Fear of anything they have been too afraid to attempt to understand.

Cowardice. The real sissies in America are the intellectually incurious. They hide behind it to be judgmental and intolerant.

Fuck me if that isn’t silly. Ignorance as shield is no excuse.

An open mind does not make one more vulnerable. It does make one far more likely to be enlightened.

Like compulsory probing by my tongue of a sore in my mouth, I can’t seem to help checking things twice.

I don’t understand why other people don’t do that. It’s simple. And the world is a huge ass canker.

Maybe these idiots aren’t suffering from the advanced, potentially cancerous scurvy Dick-in-Bush have left us liberals with. It’s a conspiracy!

It’s either that or they’re really stupid. Or both.

If you’re considering voting for McCain, I don’t doubt you’re among at least half of the people discussed in this blog and you may just be a complete idiot.

After all, I hear they can make “pancakes tapdance”. -Paul Mooney

Drinks for my friends.

Forgive me for indulging yet again in the topic of the most singular contest of the day, but the news is a little slow and I needed to point out that McCain is waltzing with the Devil and he sucks at dancing in three.

Doubtfire accuses Our Man of naivete by disparaging his advice to keep your car properly tuned and your tires at pressure.

It makes sense. Three or four percent savings off the top. Immediately. Good answer.

It is the most honest short term solution that has been uttered thus far. Like sixteen cents a gallon right now.

The Bootlicker would mock our man for this. Passing out tire pressure gauges with “Obama’s Energy Plan” printed on them. Clueless dickhead.

Our man had this to say, “It’s like these guys take pride in being ignorant,” -CNN

Nice.

McCain likes to talk about Obama not favoring nuclear power. A “zero emission” energy resource, he’d have you believe.

Bullshit. We still have no idea what to do with the waste. It occurs to me that the most indefectibly toxic, and therefore deadly waste known to humans, waste we have no place to put, renders the zero emission argument way bogus.

Until we figure out what to do with nuclear waste, it’s a spectacularly dumb idea.

The pasty little bastard would also have you believe because Our Man opposes anything but the most limited offshore drilling, he’s an elitist who doesn’t feel your pain.

See, here’s the deal, no matter how much oil they find off our coasts, it won’t amount to dick for a decade and not fuck all even then. McCain was in opposition to more domestic drilling than had already been approved until last month, when he changed his mind.

That’s “flip flopped” in the accepted journalistic vernacular.

Guess what happened next?

His campaign contributions from big oil went up by five hundred percent. Oil is down about fifteen percent as of today. Go figure.

He released an ad today by the way. In that ad, nestled in a basket among half a dozen other spurious proclamations, is the assertion that he has and will continue to stand up to big oil.

This guy is full of shit. He’s got nothing so he’s starting to lie. He’s not here to fuck around. He tossing tactical nuke sized lies. Not mere falsehoods that smear his opponent. No. Lies that compromise his very own bad self. He’s a fool and he’s pitiful.

He’s a joke.

Beware The Ides of March Mr. McCain, lest ye be subject to the tyrannicide your would be predecessor and former adversary has so far escaped. His peril and that of his surrounding is far from decided.

Drinks for my friends.

What we have here……is a huge celebrity. Worldwide. Global. Looks like it’s a problem. Our Man, by virtue of charisma, an absolutely uncanny ability to communicate, to orate a fresh and hopeful message, not just to Americans, but a good number of this planet’s citizenry, may have doomed himself for being so goddamn adept at showing us there is a better way.

Two hundred thousand plus showed up in Berlin.

What a shame, that so many of have grown so cynical as to stare so arrogantly into the mouth of this gift horse.

What a shame, that upon finally being presented with the real deal, so many many of us can’t help but be convinced that he must be an elitist. An arugula eating snob because he talks to the people of the world like adults.

I confess, I like arugula a lot. My favorite is a dish with perfectly grilled polenta, a thick vinegarette and a generous amount of gorgonzola. I get it to go and put a little Bob’s on top when I get home.

With the exception of the Bob’s, the other ingredients would probably lead most of the great unwashed to assume I’m an enthusiastic pole smoker. Were I to mention that it pairs well with a nice blanc de blancs, well then, I’m sure they’d be willing to assume the worst, that it’s not the only salad I’m willing to toss. Whatever.

They would be right. I don’t imbibe penis, but have no problem with those that deign to do so, regardless of gender. It goes without saying, I encourage and applaud the females. I am a progressive individual in both thought and deed.

I love sushi and crave caviar.

I believe health care should be free or at least affordable for the people of the richest country on earth. I think we should stop shaking our fists at countries that disagree with us. In fact, I really would prefer that we stopped bombing all the brown people. After all, the back of the most formidable military in the history of the world has been rent asunder by that very policy.

We should do our best to stop sucking our planet dry and instead utilize what the universe offers for free. The sun and the wind and the tide.

Know what else I like? Risotto. When prepared with care, it is like the most delicately textured pasta imaginable, in the unlikeliest pellet form. Mushrooms. Get it with mushrooms and aged parmesan.

I think we should legalize most drugs. Tax and regulate them to eliminate the criminal infrastructure and mitigate the astounding numbers of incarcerated that we pay for on top of the ridiculous “war on drugs”. On the other hand, it may suprise you to know that I’m thinking maybe anyone dealing meth or in the business of propagating it, might be better off dead.

Ever had a perfectly BBQ’d pork chop with a really good zinfandel?

You know what really chaps my ass? The erosion of our civil rights and liberties. FISA. Posse Comitatus. The Patriot Act. Amendments One and Four. All of the aforementioned have been severely and egregiously advanced in the last seven years while we voluntarily popped our thumbs into our asses and looked the other way because we were scared.

The most successful society in the history of humankind allowed itself to be frightened by it’s own so thoroughly, it’s literally frozen at the wheel. A deer in the headlights.

Both. Ha!

Try this:
Find a place with good, thin shoestring fries. Squeeze a lemon over them. Apply salt, preferably from the sea. Dip in mayonnaise and/or ketchup. I’m not a big beer drinker but most beers work well with this. Stick to lighter ones. Hefe weizen, pilsner and most authentic lagers work nicely.

I’m going to hold out two hands. You’ll need to pick one. Fair warning, in one hand is the very aggressive sale of fear and doubt. Let me know if you want me to tell you which hand it is.

I’ve started eating chili cheese fries. So far, Carl’s sets the bar.

I hear Cheney won’t be at the convention. Fuck me, that’s funny.

Drinks for my friends.

Doubtfire can’t help it.

Yesterday he stopped at a clinic in Bakersfied to have something removed.

Bakersfied?

To have something removed.

No worries.

“Bakerfield is a scumbag” -my Father

The media is all over his attack ads. CNN plays the one with Paris Hilton. Gasp. It’s all true. He’s the biggest celebrity in the world. He’s against offshore drilling and he’s gonna raise taxes.

All true.

The way I understand it, the world loves Our Man because he represents hope for a less unilaterally aggressive America and perhaps a more cooperative one. A smarter one. Less reckless. The world is weary of our retarded bull in it’s shop of very valuable things.

He opposes offshore drilling because it’s best hope is to be a band aid on a sucking chest wound sometime in the next decade. It’s an exruciatingly stupid way to treat a symptom. It does absolutely nothing for the problem and by the time it pays off, we better have a whole helluva lot more going on.

To wit and for purposes of reiteration, it’s really fucking stupid and pointless. Like finding change in the dryer eight years from now.

We may already be fucked from hell to breakfast. Nine ways to Sunday.

And yes, he will raise taxes. We are punk ass broke. At this point, if America sought to buy a house, she couldn’t qualify for a trailer. Maybe a tent from Costco. Listen carefully now, his stated intention is not to raise YOUR taxes. He’s going to take the tax cuts to the rich away. He says his intention is to shift the burden from the middle class. He says this because he understands that a robust middle class is key to a healthy economy, infrastructure, social equity and national security.

I’m not gonna stand here and guarantee his rhetoric, but let’s be honest, McCain doesn’t have dick. He’s foisting ads with Paris Hilton in them? The man is sweating profusely. You can’t see the actual moisture accumulating because it’s concentrated in the gluteal region.

In the audio trade we called it “buttsweat”.

He’s got nothing and he knows it.

Outmatched. Outclassed. Outsmarted.

At what point does a man as proud and accomplished as McCain step off? Walk away?

He can’t, of course.

The Republicans would implode entirely. Poor bastard. One of the last columns in a crumbling party. A party that asked for it. A party that bought and paid for it. Fools.

What I see is a man who understands he’s beaten. His opponent, clearly better than is he. He knows it. He’s lost the fair fight, unspoken rule being fists and feet only. Now he’s behind the dumpster reaching for a pipe to swing.

Sad.

I’d like to commend Stephen Colbert for acquitting himself with grace and talent, singing with CSN tonight while handling the high harmony of a four part, traditionally sung by Neil Young on the song “Teach Your Children “.

Way cool.

Drinks for my friends.

I doubt there’s another human being on the planet that could merely announce he would be there and have two hundred thousand Germans Show up in Berlin to hear what he has to say.

They can say he’s presumptuous. They’re saying it. Speaking like a President who is not yet a President. Looking like a President who is not yet President. Acting like a President.

Fuck them.

He is kicking ass worldwide. Understand, no way he could pull this off if he wasn’t whip smart, savvy and wise beyond wise. Our Man Has long held the official Brainspank Presidential endorsement but I’m here to tell you he’s over there making America proud with grace and dignity.

I hear he wasn’t sure how many he could draw in Germany. Can you imagine at all what it felt like taking the stage in front of two hundred thousand?

His speech was brilliant. Almost spooky to hear how far his voice was carried by successive amplified towers.

He’s in France tomorrow. That might be good.

I understand he’s not perfect. It’s been but a few weeks since I’ve written both angry and critical of him.

Having said that, the rest is true, he may very well be our last best hope. The best chance we have against my generation being second or third to last. Not because of war. But because of a lack of understanding that requires global participation when it comes to solving global problems. Enviromental problems. Poverty and waste. Fucking war.

Forgive my John Lennon moment.

I hear Doubtfire was at some burger stand or taco shack somewhere in the Midwest today. He may have told a joke.

All three network news anchors follow Our Man as he gets the Iraqi Prime Minister to endorse his plan for troop withdrawl.

If you’re McCain today, stepping out of the shower, what do you see when you look down? A dangling filbert, scarcely bigger than a clitoris.

You flick it for sport but the pod itself remains inert. This disappoints you but you weren’t anticipating a different result.

Woe is you John McCain.

I’m not sure how bad I can feel after your statement that Our Man would prefer to win an election at the expense of losing a war. That kind of talk makes you a punk ass bitch.

Where is your vanity? Your dignity?

You’re going to lose, your best option is to do it with a modicum of sincere decorum.

Mr. McCain, I believe you should grow now. Show us you understand just how bad things are and how bad they are about to be. Start telling the fucking truth. Participate and stop worrying whether you’ll be elected because it’s not going to happen. You know the truth. There was a time when you championed the truth. It is the only reason you enjoy any popularity today.

Tax cuts for the rich and an endless war in Iraq when our biggest problem is Afghanistan. Are you paying any attention at all? America is imploding you ignorant fuck and the best you can do is say shit like that? Fer fuck’s sake, who actually is more about the winning than the people?

More nuclear power when we still don’t have a clue what to do with waste that could kill millions. Offshore drilling that wouldn’t impact the price of gas for a decade. Phil Gramm, your top man on the economy, calls us a nation of whiners with delusions of a mental recession.

Fuck you you fuck, gas is near five bucks a gallon and foreclosures rival The Great Depression. They called it that, by the way, cause it sucked.

Yer a dick.

Drinks for my friends.

The talking heads have coalesced on how to frame Our Man’s travels abroad.

Roaring success with a foreign policy/national security bump vs. overstepping his station. His place. Gergen was bellowing this crap tonight on CNN.

Looks to me to be establishing relationships so he can hit the ground running once he’s elected. They complain he’s so bold as to do the President’s job, yet the President remains both unwilling and incapable.

Forgive me, uppity?

Yup, it is. Big balls on Our Man. I’m impressed. Fucking A.

It is chronic, this adolescent navel gazing the media succumbs to. They pretend to ask themselves whether they talk too much about Our Man, while they talk even more about him, so Senator Doubtfire gets the short end of spotlight stick.

You can imagine, this conundrum doesn’t much try my patience.

I’m sponsoring the widely held elitist view that McCain is boring at best; doddering at not so best. He’s fucking creepy. Obama is way better television and he’s kicking ass over there. Got an official agreement on troop withdrawl from Iraq PM, Nouri al-Maliki. Looked very presidential with Hamid Karzai. He drained one from outside the paint on some army base.

Obama Don’t Bowl!
Obama drains balls?

Obama Don’t Bowl, in white on a good quality navy tee. I saw Stewart did his show on this tonight but by then I had the sound off. If he did something similiar, chalk it up to great minds thinking alike. I avoid Sir Jon when I’m writing politics.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch.

As direct consequence of such shallow introspection, the media is poised to manufacture the slightest gaff by Obama into a Cat Five Vortex complete with flying cows that are shitting because they’re not used to flying. A shitstorm far beyond flying shitting cows.

No need to keep an eye out. It will hit you on the head over and over when it happens.

They had to do something. They’ve been caught red handed paying more attention to the more interesting, dynamic guy that just happens to be bowling them over, pun intended, in a good part of the rest of the world.

Whaddaya want fer nuthin? A rubber biscuit?

Today I purchased my first Southern Style Crispy Chicken Sandwich from Don’s place. The product has been sitting on my granite countertop since aprox. 3:20 PST. It is now about 9:45 PST and I’ve just taken my second bite.

It’s a good sugar to salt ratio. Kinda the bun in contrast to the meat postulate observed as key to most food products on the menu at Don’s place. Ever notice the powderiness of the salt they give you? Genius. Granules far better suited to adhere to your fries than ordinary table salt.

Wendy’s does this as well.

It was the random pickle chip protruding from underneath the bun in the TV ad that first got my attention. The way the sandwich rotated with golden culinary symmetry. Immaculately interrupted by that jagged corrugated fleshy green pickle chip………………….

It left me wistful but secure in the knowledge that someday I would purchase one for my very own to taste, savor and rejoice in.

I’m gonna have another bite and refrigerate it for the next round of tests.

I think pickles are a boon to fast food products of all kinds and should be exploited more. Compared to cheap ass mayonnaise and flavorless lettuce and tomatos, pickles are a zesty bold flavor and a real crunch enhancer. Provided they aren’t punk ass, chewy, vinegary cucumbers.

When I buy pickles I look for some dill and peppercorns in the jar at least.

So anyway, the texture is good, even after six unrefrigerated hours on my countertop. This does belie a certain structural integrity on the part of the sanwich. A good sign. I’ve no idea why they included the word “southern” in the title of the product other than perhaps the patty is chicken and of the fried variety.

My conclusion is that although tasty and gut satisfying, this new menu item at Don’s could use something more. More onions, more pickles perhaps. Mine had but two, barely larger than a quarter. It could use more committment on the part of the skilled and talented chef’s and their underlings.

I’m just saying, dress that product thoroughly. It’s new! Aren’t you excited to be making a new sandwich?

I can’t help but wonder if it isn’t a little premature. Not done yet basking beneath the flavor enhancing glow of the brighest, yellowest fast food arches in the universe.

It’s future as a menu item remains uncertain.

Tips: Order it with cheese for texture and a little whang. Remember, if you get fries, get some of Don’s salt. I don’t usually drink soda, but when I eat at Don’s, I has me some soda. I’m about the carbonation and not the sugar, so I order diet, but indulge in the bubbles, whatever kind blows your skirt up.

I’ve just now taken a bite of the below room temperature product. It’s really horrible in it’s gelatinous state.

Last test is to nuke the remaining bite and a half…………..

Drinks for my friends.

Doubtfire can’t seem to keep his withered manhood from beneath his corrective footwear. Just last week he called for the “exploitation” of America’s offshore and enviromentally sensitive areas for drilling. A top economic adviser to McCain, Phil Graham, said we were in a “mental recession” and a nation of “whiners”. Bootlicker continues to joke about bombing Iran.

He’s doing great. Let’s have a parade. They’re better be midgets and firetrucks.

Methinks his diaper hath sprung a leak.

An exemplary performance most likely the harbinger of an inevitable conclusion.

I’m inclined to believe it’s no longer premature to offer my ideal choices for Our Man’s cabinet.

The thing to remember is this. Our Man, upon winning the most important contest in the history of civilization, will also own, arguably, the worst position of any American President ever. He’s walking into a cave as dark as any in the history of this country.

His road will be of asinine yet lethal burlesque.

Secretary of State:
The apogee of any diplomatic career, my pick is Big Bad Bill. There simply is no man more gifted and revered on the world stage than William Jefferson Clinton. I don’t give a mad fuck about his stumbles on this most recent sojourn as his wife’s campaign surrogate. The prodigous talent this man is able to visit upon any scenario makes the former President an obvious choice as well as one to ignore at our peril in times as serious as these. Bill Clinton qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Jimmy Carter, Andy Griffith was always so reasonable and Joe Walsh would clown the world and play blistering solos.

Secretary of the Treasury:
Bill Gates. The world’s richest man understands money. He owns trends. He gets it. The Feds took over IndyMac the other day. FDIC payouts will be as much as $8 billion. There’s Fannie and Freddie crashing on the rocks. Those two go down and it won’t be too different than a small nuke in a major city.

Hang the rich.

Alternates include my friend Jim Labinski, Gene Hackman, Ben Vereen, Lorne Green and Jim Beam.

Attorney General:
Walk in the park. My mother pointed it out. Edwards. A lawyer who’s adept at kicking the shit out of some pretty big boys. Nice and liberal. Wads of charisma. He’s Bobby goddamn Kennedy. John Edwards qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Ironman, Judge Judy, people who collect beans and Negrodamus.

Secretary of Defense:
Wes Clark. Four stars, West Point valedictorian and Rhodes Scholar. I love the word secdef. He’s my pick for secdef. It’ll have to wait, I’ve got a meeting with the secdef. See what I’m saying?

Seems like a good guy. We liberals want our military leaders to smile a lot and have nice eyes. We also like it when they’re whip fucking smart and battle experienced with nearly spotless records. General Wesley Clark qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Runner up: Colin Powell. Yep, seriously. A good man and a smart one.

Alternates include Furnell Chapman, Ernest T. Bass, auntjudy.com and Bilbo Baggins.

Secretary of Energy:
Al Gore. Hey everybody! Let’s have an energy policy! Fuckin A! Seriously. Why are we fucking Iraq? Oil. Why are we fucking ourselves? Oil. Why are we fucked? Oil. Duh. I got one syllable for ya. Sun. Nevermind that it makes wind and everything else possible. See what I’m saying? Albert Gore qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Kurt Vonnegut, John Steinbeck, any civilian on COPS, Nikola Tesla and Barney Fife.

Secretary of Homeland Security:
What I’m looking for here is one of those three part names with the word VON in the middle. Wernher Von Braun, for example. We all know this position is a shallow history of dipshits. Joe Biden is an intelligent hothead. Wish I had better for him but he’s my choice. He’s smart and he loathes bullshit.

Alternates include Fred Flinstone for sheer mental prowess, Donna Summer for Disco Lemonade, Larry Flynt for a golden wheelchair and enormous genitals.

Secretary of the Interior:
Willie Nelson. He’ll legalize pot on all government lands and convert every forest service/state park vehicle to biodiesel. There would be a national hootenanny every summer solistice.

Alternates include Newman and Redford, Cheech & Chong, and the Smothers Brothers.

Secretary of Education:
My ultimate preference would have been George Carlin but he’s since taken the dirt nap. Posthumous. I guess I’ll go with Gore Vidal. He’s smart, crazy, gonna die soon and I like his priorities. Wait, Noam Chomsky!

Alternates include Al Bundy, Mr. Spock, Henry Rollins and Alex Trebek

Secretary of Health and Human Services:
Dr. Sanja Gupta. Handsome, charismatic, smart and charming.

Alternates include Dr. Dean Edell and Dr. Drew Pinsky.

Director of the National Drug Control Policy:
Bill Maher. This one’s painfully obvious. Reverse this ridiculous obfuscation they choose to label policy. It’s unconscionable. America incarcerates more people per capita than any nation on earth and it’s because of hundreds of thousands of nonviolent drug offenders who aren’t criminals when they enter the prison system but sure as fuck are when they get out. An absurd and failed attempt at social engineering. It doesn’t work. It never had a chance.

Mankind has sought to self medicate since before it was even a possibility. It’s like shoving abstinence down the throats of American teenagers. No possibility for efficacy, no chance ever. It’s counterintuitive, misguided and in opposition to basic human instinct.

It’s a fundamental cudgel for oppression by our government and really fucking stupid.

Alternates include Snoop, Adam Corolla, Lee Van Cleef and Willie Nelson.

White House Chief of Staff:
Jon Stewart. Duh. He’d also be White House press secretary. I’d swoon at the podium in a non gay way. Mancrush. He’d tell us the truth and crack us up whenever his boss fucks up. He’d be allowed to bring his writers with him.

Alternates include Sean Penn, Cris Rock and Lewis Black. Lewis Black……….oooooooohh.

Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency:
Dennis Kucinich. When a Supreme Court vacancy occurs, he’s the man. He carries the Constitution on his person. Otherwise he’d run the shit out of the EPA. Smart, honest, principled. He’ll do the right thing. He’ll fuck shit up. Between his pasty white thighs dangle testes made of zirconia. Bitch. This would be good. Dennis qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Al Gore, John Mellencamp and Don Henley.

Secretary of Transportation:
Ed Begley Jr. Ed knows. Ed cares. Ed will tear shit up. This would be good. Ed qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Robbie Knievel, Dave Grohl and Scotty from Star Trek because he operates the transporter. Well, we’re both Scotsman.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs:
Anthony Zinni. We need an intelligent hawk in this office. He’s accomplished. Degree in economics from Villanova. Tough. Four stars and tons of experience. Opposed to at least the prosecution of the war in Iraq. Got fired for it. I’m going out on a limb but I think he’s a man of logic and compassion. Anthony qualifies as an official brainspank endorsement. Further, this appointment will incur the good favor of we here at brainspank.

Alternates include Maj. Gen. Paul Eaton, Maj. Gen. John Batiste, Brig. Gen. John Johns, Navy Vice Adm. David Richardson……….no shortage of good men to oversee the right thing.

Secretary of Agriculture:
What we need here is someone adamantly anti ethanol. Fuel from corn is just dumb. It’s a destructive crop. Bad for the soil. Tons of pesticides It’s only redeeming quality is that it tastes good and it can be made into whiskey. It’s like twice the resources/energy to produce as it ends up producing. There’s already chaos on the world food market as a result of incremental increases in it’s production. Why are we so goddamn stupid? We need an enforcer. A sonofabitch.

That sonafabitch is Chuck Norris. He is what we lack in government. He’s a goddamn Republican, but a grown man that is capable and willing to roundhouse kick other men in the head. Chuck Norris did not slide from a common vagina. He was borne of the ultimate mother. Mother Earth. He will fight for you harder than Larry H. Parker.

Alternates include Bruce Willis, Spiderman, spaghetti western banditos and Sgt. Joe Friday.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development:
Dumbya. He needs to see what he has wrought at least five days a week. The damage he’s done to the average American family as well as the madness he’s unleashed on those families with soldiers in Iraq or dead or wounded from Iraq.

Brains scarred with or without a head wound.

Astounding, to behave as though you’ve done nothing but act in our best interest. I doubt a man as stupid even as you, could believe anything remotely resembling that sort of madness. It’s okay Georgie boy. you’ll be the titular head, a position so familiar, it’s all you know. Loser.

No worries, we’ll surround him with genuine talent to show him smart people who care against the worthless ones he hired. He’s a dog in a talent show. “Brownie” can be your office boy. Rove and Cheney will share shifts in the executive washroom.

Secretary of Commerce:
What’s needed here is a pro American worker, pro union. The outsourcing and weakening of American industrial capability must be administered to like the sucking chest wound that it’s become. Enough is enough. I’m looking for someone pretty adept with green industry.

An individual capable of overseeing an investment in our infrastructure that is far more enviromentally responsible than we’ve been so far. A man or woman capable of acting as a genuine secretary for the logistical nightmare of taking funds from the wrong things and directing them towards the right things. An intelligent hard ass.

Hills? She wouldn’t stoop for this turd. Arianna Huffington? Her grasp of the dynamic is unique and abundant with nuance. No way. Ted Nugent? Too stupid.

Any character from The West Wing.

This one has me stumped. Suggestions are welcome.

My point is, this cabinet position is ripe for empowerment. It could benefit immensly from the right candidate possessing the ability to wield influence and charisma to make the post and it’s authority pivotal.

See above for alternates.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development:
Oprah, Seann Penn, Brad and Angelina. Together they’ve done far more for the dislocated in New Orleans than our own government. Make it a collective effort and they’ll appoint a staff of capables. If they start to get fucked on funds or legislation, who’s not gonna send a camera and a microphone?

United States Trade Representative:
Bill Richardson. He gets it. He’s smart, experienced and an adroit negotiator.

Alternates include Jack from Jack In The Box, Gandalf and most migrant workers.

Director of the Office of Management and Budget:
What we need here is an honest individual. Joe Biden would be good here too. Chuck Hagel? Yep. I want a thoroughly vetted individual, with integrity and a strong sense of personal accountability. I’m stumped on this one too.

Alternates include David Letterman, Bullwinkle and Bobby Brady.

I’m not prepared at this time to offer a choice for VP. Forgive me. Further study is needed. Trust that I’ll keep you posted.

Bitches.

Drinks for my friends.

It’s bad enough what they did.

Dick-in-Bush sneered at the Fourth Amendment and gleefully engaged in an end run around existing FISA laws to illegally wire tap and otherwise surveil American citizens. They didn’t tell anybody. They even attempted to strong arm a United States Attorney General while hospitalized in critical condition to sign off on their egregious trangressions.

They sent Gonzales and Andy Card.

Upon The Grey Lady exposing them in early 2005, they postured for all the world like they had done nothing wrong and in fact, had our best interests in their heart of hearts along with the telecom companies that were complicit.

If you bought that when it went down, I’d like your phone number and credit card info.

Dumbya then called for retroactive immunity for those companies because he understood very well that they had violated the law and the Constitution and were they ever held accountable, well then, he would be too.

So the sycophantic Republicans floated a bill to make everything milk and honey for the telecom giants and therefore Dick-in-Bush. I was proud of the Democrats when they stood on principle and said no fucking way.

Responding on January 28, our man Obama said:
“I strongly oppose retroactive immunity in the FISA bill.

Ever since 9/11, this Administration has put forward a false choice between the liberties we cherish and the security we demand.

The FISA court works. The separation of power works. We can trace, track down and take out terrorists while ensuring that our actions are subject to vigorous oversight, and do not undermine the very laws and freedom that we are fighting to defend.

No one should get a free pass to violate the basic civil liberties of the American people – not the President of the United States, and not the telecommunications companies that fell in line with his warrantless surveillance program. We have to make clear the lines that cannot be crossed.

That is why I am co-sponsoring Senator Dodd’s amendment to remove the immunity provision. Secrecy must not trump accountability. We must show our citizens – and set an example to the world – that laws cannot be ignored when it is inconvenient.” -firedoglake.com

For what it’s worth, The Little Paste Eater stood proud and quoted Ben Franklin to remind us that those who would sacrifice liberty for safety deserve neither.

What’s worse is what we did. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi along with a hundred and five Democrats, aided in passage of a bill that DOES provide immunity for the telecom arm of the plutocracy. Our own man Obama brought gravel chunks of salt to the laceration by declaring his support for the “compromise”

He said in a published statement:

“It does, however, grant retroactive immunity, and I will work in the Senate to remove this provision so that we can seek full accountability for past offenses.” -Salon.com

Let’s cut to the chase. He says this, knowing full well how unlikely such an effort is to enjoy the remotest chance of success. Even Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid acknowledged the dubiousness of such.

Fuck this shit. It’s a fool’s errand and Mr. Obama is no fool.

They all know it will pass the Senate as though lubricated with Crisco. So easily was it shat by the House after insertion of a suppository chock full of fear, terrorism and national security paranoia.

Mr. Obama, fuck this shit.

You are here, a man who will most likely be the next President of The United States of America, because we the people have put you here. We put you here, because we have been led to believe that this is precisely the brand of malfeasance you will fight against. You have ignited in us a hope, that this brand of fuckery will not be allowed, not tolerated, not even negotiated.

The law has been broken and you know it.

The idea that you would break our hearts this early, in context of a principle this vital, disturbs and gives me pause. Thus far, despite your imperfections, I’ve believed in you. In this instance however, I simply cannot abide. It makes me furious that otherwise my choice is an asshat like McCain.

Don’t do this to me. Don’t do it to us. When, inevitably, efforts to remove immunity from the bill fail, vote against it. Stand on principle, the rule of law and most important, why we have come to believe in you.

Tests for you so far have been Fisher Price, pale, in the face of this most important one so far. There is no room to move here. It is as black and white as a moral imperative can be.

Vote against it. I almost care less about the outcome than I do your vote.

What exactly are you so afraid of?

Hey Barry, this isn’t change we can believe in.

Drinks for my friends.

Sheezus! Our man opts out of public financing worth about eighty five million dollars and instead, decides to bet on his own fundraising prowess where he’s so far been able to accumulate around a quarter billion.

Duh.

The ‘duh’ is my sentiment, but Candy Crowley just uttered it on CNN.

You can bet your vagina that if the situation were reversed, the former champions of amassing massive war chests, that would be Republicans, would bust the very same move.

For what it’s worth, Barack raised his money in large part from the people, in small donations. Republicans typically benefit from corporate money.

In all fairness, it is a reversal on the part of our man. However, it is a practical and intelligent decision for Barack to utilize the funds provided by individual American citizens who want to see him as President. Doubtfire calls him a flip flopper less than a week after doing the very same thing on an issue far more important; offshore drilling and expolration. Why, experts speculate that could save us a dollar a barrel in a decade or so. I thought I came up with that last point myself, and I did. Carville beat me to the punch just now on CNN.

Not only that but the poor bastard is pissed because he’s completely outmatched.

Prescience is mine. I hope.

I hope this man will remain accountable to the citizens, the Americans, who have and will fund his ascendancy to the White House because we hope and understand the fierce urgency of now. The imperative for change.

Consider the alternative. See? You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Yesterday his campaign ended up in a minor shitstorm for not allowing some women in tradititional muslim garb to appear behind our man on camera. “Insensitive”, they said. The pot indignantly describes the kettle as more black. The culture fomented by fear mongers and bigots under the guise of terrorism is the reason, right or wrong. The media insists it’s a story. It’s not our story. It’s not that we don’t care, it’s just we’re painfully aware from whence it came.

All I have to say to Cindy Stepford McCain is shut the fuck up. She says she’s always been proud of her country. Well, that’s jingoistic, nationalistic and just plain stupid. She thinks she speaks of patriotism, it’s abundantly clear she has no clue.

Did she take pride in Abu Ghraib? How about the assassinations of 1968? Is she taking pride in the geopolitical/economic disaster her husband has not only been complicit in but helped to engineer? How about the savings and loan scandal her which husband escaped unscathed? How proud of her country and her husband was she when the Little Bootlicker hugged Dumbya and endorsed him after losing the nomination in part for him being accused of fathering an illegitimate black child that they in fact adopted? Or when he voted against fair treatment and a modest education for our troops returning home from an unjustified war in Iraq? Slavery? Was she proud when her doddering husband suggested there was nothing wrong with staying in Iraq for a hundred years? New Orleans? Plamegate? Executive priviledge? Suspension of Habeas Corpus? Tax cuts for the rich? Sean Hannity? Rush Limbaugh? Ann Coulter? Bill O’Reilly? Is she proud of her country for slaughter after slaughter of millions of innocent civilians caught between competing corporate financial interests over the last five decades?

I for one, have been profoundly ashamed of all these things and it’s an abbreviated version of a very long list.

She’s proud of getting richer while everyone else gets poorer.

The phenomena of Barack Obama is reason for me to be be proud of my country for the first time in a very long time. So is Michelle Obama for that matter. They are both, a class act. I can’t wait.

Cindy Stepford McCain might be an asshole, just like the rest of them.

Drinks for my friends.

and they will wake up the same way. I started to bail at halftime. Did my homework. Turned on the sound, saw the score and walked away. Went back to ABC later to learn the final score was one thousand to six (131-92).

McCain shows up on Kimmel and the stick up his ass manages to actually whack him in the head a half a dozen times. It was wild. It just kept waving around. He was trying to protect his head but the poor bastard just kept saying stupid shit and a wooden cudgel emerged from his ass and kept beaning him on his skull with only fine grey baby hair to protect his softening pate.

It was more painful, and therefore funnier, than the game. I think McCain may have just jumped the shark. He holds his own against Stewart but Kimmel didn’t care. Sucker punched Doubtfire over and over. It was pretty awesome.

Watch Kimmel with the sound off, the first thing you notice is he never really opens his eyes. It’s disturbing until you turn the sound back on and he’s actually pretty funny. Kimmel and Pasty McSquinty share blood somewhere.

He pulled the tail off the Bootlicker but it’s no thing. McCain is amphibious, a salamander with miraculous powers of regeneration. By tomorrow morning he’ll have a new nub. By Sunday he’ll be swinging more in the back than in front.

Got Gore endorsing Our Man yesterday. Better late than never. He was waiting for Hills to walk. Politics tastes like dirt to him these days. I’ve been thinking about the cabinet lately. Time to start working on that. I got some ideas. Expect a full report soon.

A Grammy, an Oscar and the Nobel. Hometown boy makes good after being the Vice President for eight years and winning a Presidential election. Like a phoenix, he rose from the ashes of defeat and shame.

By the way, Albert Gore will not be your next Vice President. Not going to happen. There’s a place for him in this cabinet though.

The midwest is underwater and it ain’t over yet. It’s always ugly somewhere in America.

Lately it’s ugly just about everywhere in America.

In other news, Doubtfire has joined our Arsonists Laureate, Dick-in-Bush, for another round of the “let’s drill in enviromentally sensitive areas for a thimbleful of crude that we won’t see for a decade instead of investing in a new infrastructure of alternative fuels that may just create new industry and opportunity for entrepreneurialship and growth, both financially and technologically.”

It was that kind of day.

That sentence may make my top ten.

Drinks for my friends.

There are times, like now, when you people amaze me.

Self righteous liberals can be a pain in the ass.

I supported arguably, the longest shot Democrats had to offer for the nomination. Dennis Kucinich, my Little Paste Eater. I wrote about him for months. I hoped. His message was pristine. I agreed with him on everything. We disagreed on nothing.

I’m a liberal juggernaut and so is Mr. Kucinich.

I felt all who supported Dennis could afford to do so. It was the first quarter and the grass was green. We had political will and capital to spend. At the very least we could have a hand in steering the dialog towards what was true. Plenty of room for optimism.

It was early. Absolute truth was contagious.

“No I want you to fuck it. Shit, yes, pour the fuckin’ beer!” -Frank Booth, Blue Velvet

Eventually, we came to understand that our man was not to be. We went our seperate ways. I leaned into Edwards. Many of us did. It became apparent this hope would not bear fruit either. The pragmatic among us made another necessary, albeit painful, adjustment.

Turns out, we were right.

I threw myself and my rhetoric behind Obama without regret. He’s a good man. If you’re a regular reader, you’re aware of my conviction. No hesitation. He is what we need.

What I simply cannot wrap my brain around is you people who stubbornly, foolishly, behave as though ships sail off the edge of our world to this day. You who believe somehow that Nader, Paul or Gravel will magically discover the ability to make pigs fly out of the asses of the electorate.

Seriously, what’re you people smoking?

We have but one shot here. It is do or die to keep a bumbling idiot like McCain from marching us towards disaster of biblical proportions. This is no time for ideological naivete. This is it.

Really. Knock it the fuck off. You’re not helping anything or anybody.

I will make no apologies for our man Obama’s imperfections at this point. Too late and entirely beside the point. It has long since ceased to be about guys like Nader et al.

The wisest course is to get him elected and not let up for a heartbeat. Change, you bastards. That is why he is here and that’s why we are here. That is why we will not go gentle into that goodnight. It is why we will no longer fail to open our mouths. It is why they will end up confused after failing to shut us up.

If we’re lucky, someday men like Nader will show up in well worn shoes and people will listen. Men like Kucinich will speak of the constitution and America will pay attention. We have a chance at being what we once were. Too much zeal is likely to cost us the first step.

Put away your toys kids and get your heads in this game.

Don’t make me have to tell you again. Don’t make me stop this car.

Drinks for my friends.

It’s more than interesting, all this speculation. The pundits pontificating, the dumb ones bloviating.

Benedict Fliptop was Gore’s choice and I thought it was a mistake at the time. I’m not sure it cost him much at all in the end. People don’t really vote for a Vice President.

Here’s a list of who I’d like to see McCain pick:

Mitt Romney. Guy Smiley. Consumate asshat. Magic underwear combined with abject cluelessness. Talk about an intellectual boat anchor. Forgive me but I’m of the opinion that the man named Mitt is the biggest fuckhead to ever run for President.

Big Jim Slade. Doubtfire could use a man of African heritage with a penis. A big penis.

Johnny Horton. Wrote some pretty good patriotic songs. Unfortunately he’s been dead for almost half a century.

Skeletor. Rudy Giuliani. He’s a complete idiot and it would be very funny.

The Mormon Tabernacle Choir. The chaos would be awesome. When the Bootlicker expires by simply turning to dust, I’ll be looking forward to press conferences with a nice melody.

Shug Knight. He’ll get arrested within the first month for beating the shit out of some prominent Democrat and trying to shake them down.

Bob Dole. He’s hysterically funny without meaning to be or even realizing it and he’s pretty old too.

Marty Feldman and Don Knotts. Just picture it. Ocular buggery.

A woman with a nice big ass. Just because I like that.

Hefty rack on her too.

Gore Vidal. I bet he’d piss in every corner of the Oval Office for which an opportunity became available. Could be counted on to get drunk and disparage his boss consistently wherever cameras are rolling.

Jesus. I bet he’d piss in every corner of the Oval Office for which an opportunity became available. Could be counted on to get drunk and disparage his boss consistently wherever cameras are rolling.

The Jolly Green Giant. Ho ho ho, Green Giant!

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Doubtfire wrestled in high school and I’d really like to see them go at it on TV in front of everyone. They’re about the same size but the Iranian President is much younger. Leaner, more muscular. Smells better. Old Spice vs. something by Fabergé.

Start by imagining them both in unitards.

Not sure which is meaner.

But, I’m thinking Ahmadinejad, (red ‘tard), would make short work of McCain (blue ‘tard). It would be genius television. Right there behind the podium. Doubtfire would tap out of course. He’d do that creepy chuckle at the post game press conference and have Mahmoud beset by Vietnamese Ninja before midnight.

Despite the rather obvious potential for death, hundreds would line up for a shot at McCain.

Where am I going with this? I must confess, I have no idea. It’s like I’m smoking reason. I mean resin.

Larry King is on with Hulk Hogan and a guy I assume is the Hulk’s lawyer. The sound is off. This lawyer guy has the worst toupee I’ve ever seen and it looks like it’s covering a fresh brain surgery wound. I’m really not sure what I’m seeing. I refuse to unmute it. I just can’t.

I’ll feel dirty and common.

There’s that and the fact that I don’t give a mad fuck about Hulk Hogan or his kid. No ill will, I just don’t care.

Indulge me for a second. It’s not like I think he’s a bad guy, I simply have no reason to care about his struggles anymore than anyone else I don’t know. He’s a celebrity but he hasn’t done anything important. He’s no Stephen Hawking, Eddie Van Halen, Steinbeck or Capote.

His clothes are ridiculous. He amuses me. Like a clown. I wish him the best. No reason not to.

Where were we?

Drinks for my friends.

Why that would be our man. The Little Paste Eater. Dennis Kucinich introduced thirty five articles of impeachment against Dumbya in the House o’ Reps last night.

He’s already delivered a carp in newspaper to Darth Cheney. Cheney had it deposited in a dumpster far from his residence and shot the man who delivered it in the crotch with an antique blunderbuss. There were reports claiming his footwear was very pointy that afternoon.

I would not deign to tongue the sack of the esteemed Paste Eater myself but I can be counted on to pitch in for hookers and booze. I’m good like that and everyone knows a man needs his balls licked now and then. I’m just goddamn giddy over this. Kucinich rocks.

Didn’t see it on TV today. After all it was really only about illegally spying on us and lying about every aspect of the war.

I understand Britney is contemplating having her vagina removed.

Did you hear McClellan is gonna show up before the House Judiciary?

Oh, and the second part of some Senate intelligence report came out last Thursday saying pretty much the same thing.

It’s nuts. One of the most logical reasons to leave Iraq is that there was a complete absence of logical reasons to show up and do what we did. If you sincerely believe the world is safer, you’re an idiot.

If you think we’re fighting them over there so we don’t have to fight them over here you’re not being intellectually honest with yourself and you might be an idiot.

If you believe you’re better off than you were six or seven years ago, you’re rich and most likely greedy. Or, you’re an idiot. Not mutually exclusive terms by the way.

If you think the health of the planet is not being influenced by the fact that their’s too fucking many of us you’re being intellectually dishonest with your bad self. Good chance you’re an idiot.

If you’re of the opinion that John McCain is going to do anything other than add tonnage to your financial burden, you have ‘assfasia’. A condition where one’s face resembles ones ass so closely that the bowels are confused as to which way to move. Same diagnosis if you’re of the mind that he has a clue about what to do in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan or any country that starts with a U.

Braincheck.

I’ll be urging you to eschew obfuscation and avoid being stupid until early November.

Drinks for my friends.

It’s crazy. Where we are.

Interesting that I write about ’68 and it’s relevancy and a few days later CNN has a special report.

I’m prescient bitch!

The Pantsuit spoke today. I’m such a goddamn pushover. I liked it. I believed her. She needs to show us. I’m not about to let her off the hook. I think she’ll walk the walk. It was the best speech by her I’ve seen.

This will be fascinating. I promise you he will be evaluating her as VP while watching Big Bad Bill very closely. She’ll be interning in one way or another with a handful of other junior execs.

She did very well today. I am glad. I hate it when she sucks. I do like her. Kinda.

I used to tell young bands, the first trick is the record deal, the second trick is making a good record, the third trick is mastering the universe. Until you’ve completed the first two, don’t even think about the third.

I can’t wait for a debate between Our Man and the Little Bootlicker. I wanna see Doubtfire lose his cool. He cannot possibly hope to match wits with Our Man. Even if he’s firing on all cylinders, he’s simply not bright enough.

There will be no simpering or embarrassment by the party of the first part. It’s possible there will be some degree from the party of the second part.

Having said that, I urge you all to pay attention to this campaign. Please do so while keeping your wits about you. Notice the proud and capable man our party has selected. For over a year I’ve been saying what we need is as much change as we can get.

Now it hangs right in front of you.

I’m not here to bang a drum. I’m here to point things out. You may need me to point this out.

Vote for this cat. Barack Obama is the best we’ve seen in a long time and if you let this go, we’ll slide over an edge to land in something that will be our demise. We’re that close.

I want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Grape jelly, chunky peanut butter. Choosey mothers choose JIF and I like Smuckers. I could hoover one. I see myself needing the Heimlich maneuver. An obscure German tank operation your grandparents feared.

Talking to all of you is great but I need to spend time thinking about teeth whitening options. Other things too. I admit I’m listening to Count Basie.

I can’t help it. He was a genius. Sounds like flowers. Fireworks or a starry night. Oh boy. I mean goddamn.

Drinks for my friends.

I hesitate to bore you with the facts, but today is either Labor Day or Memorial day.

That of course, means one of two things. Members of one of two groups will definitely get the day off. That’s pretty big. See, a lot of other Americans get the day off to honor one of those groups.

Thus, a lot of us benefitted from what one of these two groups sacrificed at some time in the past. I’m not entirely sure who they are or what they did for me. I’m unemployed so it really doesn’t matter. I had the day off anyway.

I think I’m channeling Andy Rooney.

So Dumbya heads to Arlington or wherever, with a wreath. Many of us dash to a head stone doing our best somber tango.

I’m pretty sure it’s Memorial Day.

By no means do I intend to impugn the fallen or loved ones who survive them. The wounded, the maimed, the broken, the burned, the limbless or the permanently fucked in the head. Not at all. When I think of all of you, I just can’t stand it. It’s tragic and the epitome of unfair.

“And I will not accept from Senator Obama, who did not feel it was his responsibility to serve our country in uniform, any lectures on my regard for those who did,” -Doubtfire via USA Today

“At issue is an expansion of the GI bill that would guarantee full college scholarships for those who serve in the military for three years.” -USA Today

As you may know, I don’t covet oversimplification. This one however, seems ripe for an Alley Oop. Check me here, but it’s seems McCain is declaring that only those who have volunteered for our nation’s military have a dog in this hunt for equitable treatment of our troops and veterans.

For the sake of argument, let’s go with that for a minute. Why don’t we allow those very same people the Little Bootlicker believes are the exclusive group worthy of voice in this matter, to indeed be the ones to decide?

Let our troops, veterans and if you’re feeling generous, their loved ones, determine the fate of this bill.

Ha! What do you think they’d have to say? I’ll give you one painfully obvious swing at the softest of pitches. Hint: Doubtfire would miss it for the same reason he can’t comb his own hair.

I’m saying he would guess wrong because he’s pretty much on his own planet. His planet is moving away from our sun.

The Little Bootlicker sat out the vote. He’s on record as opposing it. Courage of his conviction?

Our man and the Pantsuit: In favor, and showed up to say so.

Used to be, you served, you got taken care of. I guess we can’t afford that anymore.

Republicans as a rule, stand on the shoulders of our armed forces pretending to champion them while shitting all over their heads and shoulders. They always have. I hesitate to bore you with facts, but you’d do yourself a favor to do a little research into what our men and women are coming home to these days. A fate largely allowed by a Republican majority in congress and endorsed by the stupidest President in history.

Our Executive branch, as well as the entirety of the legislative branch, appear to have a healthy, albeit draconian, work ethic. So far, they seem perfectly happy to send our soldiers back to hell six or seven times. Feet, hands, eyes and ears is all they need to send you back to work until you can’t or you’re dead.

“I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”

Happy Fourth of July.

Drinks for my friends.

The wave crests, then breaks, the national media plays a mind.

In the two thousand election, Doubtfire labeled Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell as “agents of intolerance”. I liked him then. I bought that “Maverick” crap.

Bush and Rove served him overdone on a platter. It was ugly and egregious. I pitied him. He walked into a buzzsaw spinning in hot feces. Despite his time as a POW, he’d never encountered anything remotely like the diabolical bacteria and machinations of Karl Rove. Or, the blind stupidity of Dumbya. Then he hugged him on national TV.

He may have still been a good man before that experience.

He’s not been since.

By two thousand six, McCain was delivering a commencement address at Falwell’s Liberty University.

Today, after chronic rumblings in the gut of our media and percolations that turned into a harbinger of copious liquid excretions, the rectum of our mainstream media had a spasm, barfed out John Hagee and thrust him into the political toilet. You know, under the lights.

He stinks. He’s ugly and he looks stupid.

This punk Hagee has been credited with among other things, likening Hitler to a purveyor of the will of his Christian God and declaring Katrina was punishment for the Gays planning a parade.

An asshole thrice the size of a vagina.

Doubtfire worked tirelessly for this neanderthal’s endorsement for over a year. Today, of course, he denounced him and rejected his endorsement.

Good stuff. You can’t write this shit.

Will this tempest have the legs of say, the Jeremiah Wright conflagration?

Nope.

Hagee merely lied about Jews and Gays. Neither one a sizable political bloc. He didn’t tell the truth about rich white men like Jeremiah Wright did. Doubtfire didn’t belong to the douchebag’s church. Pretty fucked up, but still the way it will play.

He did impugn Catholics, but that’s ok in my book, as probably a fair number of them understand the depth of their own hypocrisy. I know I do.

Let’s all take a minute and reflect on how just insane this all is. Let it sink in. John McCain is the best Republicans can do after a disaster of epic proportion named Dumbya. I still can’t believe anyone is taking this guy seriously.

It really is no wonder the rest of the world thinks America is a land of idiots and jackasses.

There are times when I just can’t stand it.

Drinks for my friends.

Every once in a while, a genuinely good thing happens in the world and I find myself smiling. Guess what kind of day today was?

This, after a pretty good day yesterday.

Today the California Supreme Court ruled overwhelmingly that same sex marriages are well within the protection of our state constitution. Keep on rockin the free world. Some pundit mentioned that California was among the first, back in nineteen forty eight, to declare the very same protection for interracial couples.

Look at us. We’re so goddamn chiquita.

A societal fundament.

Big news. A major civil rights victory. Huge.

The Outtake Bistro had the tomato tarragon soup with chicken. I chose to pair it with a blanc de blanc. We started with mixed greens and a miso dressing.

“I was just a little pup
And it was derby day

Was dad and me and darrell
Out in san pablo bay

Taco flavored doritos
And my orange life vest

Dad caught a hundred pound sturgeon
On twenty-pound test

Now he fought that fish for an hour
And a half

Darrell’d say “jump ya sons a bitch!”
And he grabbed for the gaff

When we got him in the boat
He measured six feet long

I was so danged impressed i had
To write a song called

Fish on” -Primus

Then Dumbya, after declaring solidarity for all the troops waiting to die and those who already have, by allegedly giving up being photographed playing golf, opened his dumbass mouth again while speaking to the Israeli Parliament.

It was like a warm buttermilk biscuit on my doorstep. A packet or two of honey and that butter flavored stuff.

This guy is the pointy part of a turd above a white collar and a red tie. What a dick.

In front of The Knesset, in the lamest way one can imagine, he swings a limp pecker with conviction that can only come from some dissociative fantasy based on his dick actually being hard.

For all intents and purposes, he called our man Obama a Nazi sympathizer. Doubtfire waded in like a pasty faced zombie. He shat in his bag and began to explore his nostrils with all fingers.

Rove called the pixilated residence of Darth Cheney pleading for someone to put a leash on the goddamn monkey as he was really hoping to spend his sunset years destroying somebody.

Biden erupted in his inimitable way by saying “This is bullshit. This is malarkey. This is outrageous. Outrageous for the president of the United States to go to a foreign country, sit in the Knesset…and make this kind of ridiculous statement,”

I understand they caught him coming out of an elevator. We likes us some Joe Biden. We likes him more when he’s pissed.

My point is this:

This administration’s foreign policy is a debate any immigrant 7-11 clerk could hand Dumbya, or McCain for that matter, their asses on.

Hey, how’s that not talking to anybody working out for you assholes?

Are you guys aware that your own Secretaries of State and Defense advocate talking to these nations?

Sheezus!

It’s like Darth and Dumbya ride ponies around in the basement everyday playing cowboys and indians. They come up for lemonade and head right back down. Darth stuffs his pockets with moon pies. Dumbya’s got a flask. They’re both on lithium and sleeping in coffins.

I just saw a backlit mystery stream spray a home pregnancy strip and a woman was ejected by her bed to an opulent lobby. TV on but no sound.

Drinks for my friends.

I love that the other day Obama got in trouble for saying Doubtfire had lost his bearings. The McCain camp reacted with incredulous melodramatic zeal.

Are you saying he’s old?!?!

Um, did you say all of Hamas wishes Obama to be President so he can have beers with them, touch their pee pee’s and give them nukes? After all, that’s what he was responding to.

So much for an above board campaign.

Fuck you Little Bootlicker. And for the record, YES. You would be the oldest man ever elected President and we’ve already seen you lose your grip on the ball of cognisance live on TV a few times.

It is profoundly naive for me to hope the general election hinges on issues as opposed to this kind of twatspeak.

I’m in awe of Joe Six Pack’s reluctance and/or inability to recognize the battle has ceased to be about race and has since become a war on class. The war on drugs. The war on terror. The war on Joe Six Pack.

Joe, dude, they hate you, but they know you’ll vote for them.

We imprison more people per capita than any other nation. How many would you guess are wealthy?

It’s an evolution of prejudice. A refinement. A correction. What they meant to do all along. Distasteful, sure, more palatable though. Far better than owning up to racism, because the poor and uneducated are all the same and that’s ok. We need them. They deliver our produce and our pizzas.

Many of you, us, may become them. Actually, many of us will. Just watch. The rest of us are them.

I’m just gonna say this. It will be the stupid and afraid that vote for McCain. This country has been run by old white men for the better part of her history. Look around. How’re we doing with that?

Duh.

The Republican machine will go after our man’s lack of experience like a pack of abused and emaciated pit bulls.

So?

It’s a big fat plus in my ledger. Every year you’ve done business inside the Beltway is just that much more corruption squishing around in your monkey suit.

We got West Virginia on Tuesday. Something like ninety six percent white in an Appalachian gravy. A state where Newt Gingrich is polling at six percent and he’s not on the ticket. The third most suffering economy in the country. It’s hysterical to me that the Pantsuit is gonna hold this one over her head like a boxing belt.

There’s a ton of fucking crackers in this state and she can’t wait for the polls to close.

The irony is that this very group I’ve just endeavored to insult have more in common with our man Obama than either of the other two by about a light-year.

Wow. News flash. A lot of us don’t know what’s good for us. Fuck me. Seriously?

I almost bought a chocolate Hostess pie today at the 7-11.

And by the way, after looking at the actual numbers, even if half of Shrillary’s supporters walk away, Barack can still hand Doubtfire his ass. There’s just about twice as many Democrats voting as there are evil nazi blackhat Republicans. The math is compelling.

I’m a jack ass but I hope not a fool. West Virginia will bathe in ignorance and fear of pigmentaion and ear size. They will select the Pantsuit because it’s what they know. Yet she will not be President.

No matter what the people of West Virginia do, Barack Hussein Obama will be their next Commander in Chief.

That makes me smile.

Drinks for my friends.

It’s not so simple.

See, the war in Iraq is the eight hundred pound gorilla in the elevator. We wage this obtuse war on credit. The thick residue of it’s flesh, lives maimed and lost, and insane amounts of money will all be borne by families, taxpayers in and of the future.

You and your children, for a very long time.

It’s dumb. Egregious. Irresponsible.

One half of one million dollars a minute.

The dumbest shit I’ve ever paid attention to.

I paid $4.33 a gallon for gas today. Sixty fucking dollars to fill it up.

Two of the assholes running for the highest office in the land are endorsing a suspension of federal gas taxes for the summer as long as you don’t attempt to fill up while wearing white. An idea that would further jeopardize the rotting infrastructure in this country as well as as jobs that rely on federal contracts generated by those taxes. In the scheme of things it will save you enough to buy an extra loaf of goddamn bread.

One candidate points out the folly of such a suggestion and says it’s not a policy that will save you money, but rather a gimmick to make the other two more electable. They piss back by saying it’s further proof of his elitism.

How fucking stupid are you America? One candidate is straight with you and the other two pander shamelessly.

I paid $990 dollars for a root canal today. It was a molar and it felt like I was getting my head pierced. Over two hours in the chair and I still have to go back. We’re not done drilling and filing in my skull. Next time you’re feeling down about your subprime loan, sit with your mouth open like you have a flip top head for two hours.

I did get some vicodin out of the deal.

Foreclosures are at the their highest rate since the Great Depression.

There was a time when we were the smartest, most progressive and wealthiest country on the planet. In seven short years we have re-emerged as the dumbest country in the most rapid economic and ethical decline on that same planet.

I have long aspired to maintain an open mind. Only now, I’ve developed an ever increasing empathy for those “liberal elitists” that simply walk away from a conversation that begins with any extolling of the virtues of one George W. Bush.

The failings of this man and his administration have become a litany so considerable, to document it would be an exhaustive and agonizing career; suffering the worst and most unaccountable human idiocy, day after day. A really pissed off life. Biographers of Dumbya are about to own the highest suicide rate. Over dentists even.

I’ll do it for $50k. Seriously. In a heartbeat. Bitch.

Five years ago yesterday, “Mission Accomplished”. What a retard. What a gaggle of roundheads. How’s Louisiana? Anyone?

And then we come to today. Just like yesterday. John McCain is alive and well and still running for President. He is a hundred and eleventeen. His wife is an appallingly rich, steely eyed fembot from Stepford who’s face has been in the garage more often than any AMC Pacer still on the road.

Dumbest car ever, by the way.

Forgive me. What I’m trying to get to is this. How the fuck is Doubtfire a legit contender? This guy is a doddering ass with indefensible positions on the very policies Americans scream about in poll after poll. Could it be that the Democratic panoply under the big top is what’s somehow infusing his carcass with buoyancy?

Well, that would make us jackasses, wouldn’t it?

Drinks for my friends.

Precisely what was needed to preserve the fight as is.

A ten point thumping by the She-Clinton.

The rednecks, the Great Unwashed of Pennsylvania have spoken. We are reminded of their collective ignorance. Frustrating at the very least. College grads barely went for our man. Those without, overwhelming support for Shrillary. White, blue collar, by seventy percent for Shrillary.

I am white, of blue collar, arguably white trash, and my people are pissing me off.

The goddamn Catholics go for her. What the hell? No pun intended.

All of the sudden, It is about race again in an agonizing way.

I am profoundly disappointed and very much of the opinion that this divide manifested along racial lines.

There doesn’t appear to be any other logical explanation.

Lest ye be inclined to disagree, study the demographics of rural-middle Pennsylvania.

Um, it ends in ‘sylvania’, like Transylvania. Vlad the Impaler? Just sayin’.

He moves on to Indiana without missing a beat or step. He packs a much larger venue in Evansville than she does in in Philly. The speech does not disappoint.

Still on track to prevail, it will now last until June and I hope no longer.

I’ll be honest with you. Either one will turn Doubtfire into a punching bag when the time comes. Without a doubt. He’s weak, he may have legs but his hands are down on the issues. He has no way to defend himself on the economy, the war and change. You will see him bleed.

The point is this, she can win, but he will bring change. The race is now. The time to bring the best candidate is now, the better of the two will prevail in November. It will surely be a Democratic Commander in Chief.

This is the future, not the general election in November. It is now.

The electorate in Pennsylvania provided proof that they are fools.

The math doesn’t work in her favor unless she bowls seven or eight more perfect games. She won’t. Despite all that’s occured tonight, Shrillary has not shown any quantity or quality to suggest she can do that. The math is still not there.

Super delegates will not oppose the will of the people if only to avoid the perception of disenfranchisement for a third consecutive Presidential election.

Stupid Americans are notoriously stubborn. Then again, so are smart ones.

Trust me, it’s now.

Drinks for my friends.