I could be wrong, but Skeletor’s towering hubris, virtually sitting out the first three contests of the primary season, is going to take a chunk out of his puckered worthless ass.

Tonight he finished a distant seventh in Michigan.

I’ll bet his cheeks are all mottled and yellow.

He holds one card. One claim to fame. He was the lame duck mayor of New York City when all hell broke loose. If it weren’t for that day, you wouldn’t know his name. What did he do that was so special?

If you ask the NYCFD, they’ll tell you just how special he is. They’ll tell you he’s a coward and a liar and an opportunist and that he sucks.

Guiliani is perhaps the least qualified Republican to ever run for the highest office in what was once the world’s greatest land. He’s never been a governor or a member of congress.

Imagine LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa in this race. Sheezus.

His own children loathe him and campaign against him. He literally cheated on his last wife in public.

Ha! The bastard finished seventh.

Fred Thompson and Ron Paul handed him his ass.

God is whispering that Rudy’s fucked.

I’m thinking that even if he arrives on steroids in Florida, he’s got nothing but fumes in his tank of American give a shit.

I really hope I’m right because I really hate this guy.

Romney, douchebag that he is, won tonight over McCain, douchebag that he is. McCain is crazy and Romney is a clumsy lipped blowhard that you should do your best to picture in his sacred underwear.

A lot of people hold religion as sacred or at least exempt from public ridicule.

I’m calling fuck that on that one.

In this instance, I single out Mormons, but I’m an equal opportunity maligner. Every organized religion I can think of is at best, silly and at worse, corrupt and evil.

And they don’t have to pay taxes in America!

We’re so fucking progessive.

Anybody notice Huckabee needed a shave?

Skeletor will be lucky to place or show in Florida. And he’ll get an uppercut ballpunch in South Carolina on Saturday.

Can you guys see the fork?

I swear to a Savory Santa Day that if one of these idiot fucking human train wrecks ends up as President, I’ll start a militia up in the desert with only smart people.

We’ll figure it out.

Drinks for my friends.

This is my response to a woman I’ve met only once regarding a very old friend’s birthday celebration and her gracious invitation:

Where does he live? Does he have a nice TV?

Ice maker?

Smoking area?

What’s the menu?

I can’t do oysters, asparagus, things like that.

I like to be catered to. I like to feel welcome.

You should probably have a small gift for me.

I wouldn’t spend more than seventy five to a hundred dollars. Just something thoughtful and classy that let’s me know how happy everyone is that I’m there.

I also like toys and props and games. I need things to pretend to be occupied with when I discover that everyone is boring.

I only drink the best hooch. I love Bombay Saphire, but if you have a premium vodka, I can probably do that.

If you see me grinning like a dumbass jack-o-lantern, know that I’ve smoked too much pot and I’m not following the conversation I’m having with the person in front of me.

At this point, you should approach me slowly, put your hand on my arm, pretend to talk to me and lead me to a dark corner where it’s unlikely I’ll compromise myself further.

If I came with a woman and seemed to like her, try to find her for me. If I was avoiding her, tell her I left.

At the end of the evening, I’ll thank you each profusely, irritatingly and ad nauseam. I’ll break something on the way out and borrow twenty five bucks for a cab before I get in my car and endanger the thousands I’ll encounter while driving home.

You might think about calling me around one the next day to pick me up for a champagne brunch. Just the three of us. I’ll get the tip.

By the way, I really like a mildly spicy gin mary with celery, capers, green and black olives and cherry tomatoes along with a cold Pellegrino and lemon. It goes very well with shrimp and champagne.

Sorry, DVR locked up so you got the full eye.

There once was a band called The Ape Hangers.

Actually, when we started the record they were called
Throttle. In the middle of the record, about
the time the lead singer/guitar player’s brother died,
they had to change their name.

He never missed a step.

They were a trio.

We did the record over the Holidays. It ended up
being one of the three or four best records we ever
made.

We, is me and Alex.

One of the biggest reasons it turned out so good was
because they could goddamn play. The groove was nice and slippery but there were no leaks. They could play. No air escaped.

Another reason was Pete, singer guitar player, could write a motherfucking song. He had a charisma on the mic unlike I had ever seen or heard in a not yet rockstar. One of the very best rythm guitar players I’ve ever recorded. A consumate musician.

He bought me a bottle of Jim Beam and a copy of Leg Show for Christmas.

There wasn’t any click tracks, protools fuckery or razor blade abuse. No computerized consoles for the mix. All manual and hands on. Recorded and mixed in studio “C “, the redheaded stepchild of what was the world famous A&M recording studio complex.

Conventional wisdom was you couldn’t make a record in that room. It was for demos and overdubs. Me & Al made quite a few very good records in that ten by twenty space with the ridiculously low ceiling.

What most of them didn’t understand, was the little thirty two input sixteen bus API was by far the best sounding console in the place.

Even better than the Neve across the hall in “A”, built for George Martin with the basketball sized tracking room.

Fools.

By that time, Al and I had figured out how to squeeze every last drop of sound out of that woman. Nobody could do what we could do in there. We ate it and slept it.

The most manipulation the Ape Hanger record saw was Me & Al cutting the master sequence together. Al did an excellent job and I was present.

We’re talking master mixes here and I hated cutting tape. It caused my manhood to atrophy.

Al has had his own genius on most of the time.

I don’t know what Al would say, but it was probably the easiest
record we ever made. I say that because I can hear it
in my head and it sounds marvelous. It cracks and
soaks and chunks and bathes and bites.

I heard it in my head as we made it. During basic tracks I could here the vocal effect I would use. I owned it.

It’s true. We were good. Alex and I thought
differently about a lot of things. Born on the same
day, a few years apart, and nearly opposite in most
ways.

But a crazy understanding between us. I
brought an anvil and he came with a feather. I was the barbarian and he was the diplomat. I still regard him as a geek savant. An impressive intellect, and a very sweet man. Funny as fuck.

His feather was as awesome as my anvil. The feather
and the anvil were a good mix.

It’s true, Al had mad skills. He also brought an encyclopedic knowledge of virtually all music.

So we made this record, and we made others. Damn
near every record we made was quite good.

I knew we were doing something in there because the
opposition kept growing. Our contemporaries had begun to treat us differently, to look at us with different eyes and faces, and we could feel it.

I was coming off Everclear’s “Sparkle And Fade” debut on Capitol. I co-produced it with Art Alexakis (lead singer and guitar player) and engineered. It yielded a couple top ten singles and the album ended up in the Billboard top ten.

We had the president of A&M dancing and playing air guitar in the control room on his sometimes daily visits. He often came with David Anderle, an A&R legend among other things.

The promotion dept. had landed two songs on two different soundtracks and tracks in two different movies starring the likes of Liv Tyler, Renée Zellweger Andy Garcia and Christopher Walken. Empire Records and Things To Do In Denver When You’re Dead.

We made an excellent record.

Empire Records was to be a high profile release with a major promotional push. Somehow, that never happened. It wasn’t a great movie but it didn’t suck. Must not have tested well.

We were told we’d be guests at the premier.

I think it went straight to video.

The band was a formidably cool hang.

Dennis, the drummer with the wandering eye. One of the funniest motherfuckers I ever met. He would drink with you until you were done. He would ride in the back of Rick’s piece of shit red Mazda without even being asked and he channeled Keith Moon constantly.

He played fucking brilliantly.

I understood that Dennis would follow you into hell because he’d already been there more than a few times. If you knew him, you knew that about him.

Then there was Bob. Bob played bass. Very well. I’m thinking he had a kick drum for a prostate. Very nice, a little dark, and I’m guessing more disturbed than the other two. I adored Bob, It’s just I knew him less.

These guys, along with Al and whatever assistant the studio may or may not have given us for the day, made up an absolute holiday of humans.

Really good times.

Pete eventually let me know I’d burned a hole in his pristine white carpet with a cigarette.

Either Bob or Dennis or maybe both, bought me a plastic candy cane tube full of mini bar booze that year.

Then it seems, everyone forgot about it.

Everyone involved.

They pulled support for the movie, so it tanked. Then, the entire tiny rustic lot of my record company forgot about it. They all walked away from a record they had either been on fire about or ordered to be on fire a few months prior.

They actually played live on that lot one hot afternoon, every employee was invited. It was catered by In & Out. I was sure Dennis would die that day.

No matter how good the record was, it hadn’t cost them a dime. To scrap it meant less than nothing. We were paid salary from the studio and the record company paid me thirty five an hour as an engineer.

And that was it.

All I can tell you is it’s a great fucking record.

Drinks for my friends.

I just need to take a minute to praise Jon Stewart.

Were he sitting here with me on my red velvet, claw shredded and cat hair festooned couch, I’d take a hit and blow it straight up his tiny little Jew ass.

He rocks.

I’m not sure what the deal is over there but I understand he has no writers?

I assume the writers want money for their work appearing on the internet but the internet is a herd of leeches on the genitals of the big entertainment companies. That’s all I know.

The big guys are probably culpable.

Whatever.

Anyway. Tonight Stewart delivered the most brilliant and toxic dissection of mainstream media coverage of these last two political contests; an intellectually adroit comedian cracking balls over the fence as though practicing.

Subtlety and nuance not just amplified but cleverly exploited.

I understand why people would naively push such a man towards public service. They don’t understand that he is doing exactly what he should be doing.

Jon Stewart does the Lord’s work.

At least, he does the work of my Lord. Common Sense.

I hearken back to a few years hence, when our man Jon, fed Tucker Carlson a swift and salty load on his own goddamn show (“Crossfire”). Cost that smug prick Carlson his show and and his ridiculously schticky bowtie.

See, not unlike Hillary a few days ago in New Hampshire, Jon stewart has found his voice. Although much to our great fortune as Americans, Mr. Stewart discovered his voice nearly eight years ago.

Emmy and Peabody winning and goddamn funny.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the perfect man for his job. We can only hope to be the richer, the longer he chooses to do it.

Just had to share that, even though most of you know it already.

Drinks for my friends.

Hillary prevails because the women of New Hampshire saw her tear up. Obama carried women in Iowa. He didn’t in New Hampshire.

Who carried the Gays?

Stay with me.

I do wish Edwards had somehow been able to maintain the trifecta. Here, the difference of deep pockets glares at us. Shame on you New Hampshire. He is clearly the best of the three, at least in terms of message.

Ralph Reed is on CNN. What the hell is he doing there? I loathe this bastard. Christian Coalition fucktard. But wait, he just said what I said about Hillary. What should I do with that? Does’t matter, he’s a dickhead.

Ron Paul wrestling with Skeletor for fourth makes me grin like a poor kid with a new bike.

Looks like Richardson will take his ball home. No big loss but a good man.

Record Democratic turnout and Republican voters are actually down. The poor kid with the new bike just got a new bell and a sparkly gold banana seat.

Wolf Blitzer sucks.

Edwards is tired and so is his speech. It is true, righteous even, but tired. No original chords or melodies. Yet still, good populist stuff. Honest. The best message out there. He tells us he’s staying in the fight. That’s good news. He is the best of any of the horses running with the remotest chance of winning.

I’m afraid my favorite little paste eater is unable to hide the fork sticking out of him. Oh well. So much for massive balls and complete honesty. If the upcoming Democratic administration has an intellectual conscience, Kucinich will have a place in it. I’m not holding my breath.

The Associated Press has just forecast Hillary as the winner. There’s lots to be said for inertia. Momentum.

It may be premature, yet as I say this CNN is owning it. I’ve watched enough elections to agree.

Obama speaks. Very well. This guy is good. Really good. This time he actually references MLK. This man, is a goddamn rockstar. Confidence, charisma and composure. Half the reason I watch is to see this guy play.

Blue eyed murder in a sideswipe dress.

Hillary speaks. She has aged before me. She is metered. Measured. Following Obama is a bitch. No pun intended. She’s virtually Stepford after a master orator. She’s kinda plastic. She kinda sucks. Weak finish.

The Bill & Hillary machine is awesome, however. What we saw was that impressive apparatus in swift and purposeful motion at the bottom of the ninth in the second game of seven. Very impressive.

Here they come. I told ya.

The content was significantly more populist in both Democratic speeches.

You aren’t stupid. I know this because you’re here. I’m sure you can imagine me pulling the lever for whatever Democrat rises to the surface of this contest.

And that’s just what I’ll do.

It’s not that the Democrats are so great, although a few are, it’s that the Republicans suck so fucking much. McCain can’t even comb his own hair. Poor bastard. He’s the best they can do? He’s got a hard on for the war for painfully, and I do mean painfully, obvious reasons and I imagine he has some degree of PTS.

Dick-in-Bush snuck up behind and sucker punched him in 2000. When he woke up he was finished and bitter. Who wants this guy on the switch?

Hustler magazine has this regular feature where they render a photo of a female celebrity with a huge cock in her mouth. It’s hysterical. I know some folks over there and I’m going to call and request that they do the biggest blowhard on the planet, Mitt Romney.

Then there’s our man Skeletor. Fuck him.

Forgive me for not being able to take these assholes seriously.

Drinks for my friends.

The New Hampshire debates are nothing if not entertaining.

Really, it got a little ugly between the Democrats, still, they stayed germane to the most important issues. They all did well. It’s an excellent field.

Hillary is starting to swing and we like that. Nothing untoward, she just rolled up her sleeves and demonstrated she was ready.

I missed Kucinich and Biden.

The biggest gaff for me was Richardson’s pounding near the base of his mic to emphasize his sluggish and doddering message about his message about being a governor and a two time cabinet apointee.

This guy is cabinet worthy for sure but he’d suck as President. He’s smart and probably very capable but he’d bore me in a bar.

See what I’m saying?

I wonder if all the sudden Edwards is bucking for assistant manager or maybe just using some camaraderie with Obama to pinata Hillary a little. I like this guy. He was interesting and I’m a sucker for his populist rhetoric.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t watch the Republicans. Saw a clip of Guiliani saying that the difference between his party and the Democrats is Democrats want to raise your taxes and he wants to lower them.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

We are in an economic cluster fuck of shitstorm proportions and this absolute dickhead wants to talk about tax cuts. I fucking hate this guy. He and Fred Thompson both (who seems to have gone the way of the Do Do, thankfully), are almost invisible when they turn sideways because they’re constructed entirley of paper.

Never mind that what is being talked about is reversing the cuts given to the wealthy over the last seven years, who’ve gotten wealthier by the way, and finding ways to eliminate the government sponsored drain on the middle class, who are sinking by the way.

Then on Fox tonight I see Huckabee and Romney shoulder to shoulder attempting to out obfuscate each other about…………..

Wait for it.

That’s right.

Fucking taxes.

I really hate these guys.

I picture Napoleon Dynamite slapping his head.

The contrast is so acute, it is simultaneously comic and egregious.

I watched it tonight on CNN and again, somebody had travelled forward in time, observed my reactions and then travelled back to put my impressions in the mouths of CNN talking heads.

Frustrating. Anybody hiring?

Drinks for my friends.

Guiliani is an arrogant fool for taking a pass on Iowa. Bill Clinton didn’t wade in either, however. Bad Bill knew what he was doing and is at least twice as smart as Skeletor. Maybe four or five times. Really.

And yes, this is an entirely different ballgame.

Nothing from nothing means nothing.

A paradigm shift, nay, an upheaval, occurs while Skeletor cools his heels in Florida.

Change.

“The fierce urgency of now”.

Hillary loses by a tampon string to Edwards and both lose to Obama.

Huge.

Huckabee leaves Romney to regain consciousness with dirt in his mouth. Good. Romney is a douchebag.

All, nothing but good news.

I’ve alluded to to the Clintonian acumen for brawling. You’re about to see a full frontal and it will most likely get ugly. We’re about to witness how smart she really is. I can’t help but think that if she starts tossing turds, she’ll be courting the dirt nap.

Fascinating to watch Bill’s big brain churning behind his eyes as he stood to her left while she spoke. I found myself waiting for steam to to rocket from every orifice in his head.

She tossed not a single turd.

She was smooth.

Edwards, my beloved populist, was excellent. I’ve always been a sucker for his “Two Americas” theme.

Obama invoked a cadence not unlike MLK. He did shine. I was impressed. Is he a leader? I really don’t know. He is a fucking rockstar though.

Some guys like football. This shit mezmerises me.

We’re off to New Hampshire. I can only hope it will be as compelling.

Clearly this contest won’t end exactly as I wished. Yet, I must agree with the talking heads on CNN. The Americans in Iowa are telegraphing a profound desire for change.

See, this isn’t about a black man vs. a woman against an evangelical and/or a complete dipshit who believes in sacred underwear. This really is about a certain absolute thirst for as much change as we can get.

The best we can do is the most change we can realize. This gives me hope. I am optimistic and sanguine.

Encouraged, at the very least.

Oh boy.

Drinks for my friends.

Iowa less than twenty four hours away.

The Republicans are reeling.

They’re to the point where they’re taking an evangelical with bad teeth as seriously as an asshole who wears sacred underwear and
is completely full of shit.

Kinda funny. A man named Huckabee duking it out with
a man named Romney. President Huckabee?

Rudolph “Skeletor” Guiliani runs a cold third. For
this we should perhaps be grateful as this is a man
barely more intelligent than Dumbya and maybe more
arrogant. His own children campaign against him.

This guy has to be a dick.

So yeah, meanwhile, the Democratic field doesn’t suck
nearly as much. I have varying degrees of like for
most of them. I’m no Hillary fan, she worries me.
Her hands are in too many pockets that seek to empty
my own.

But is she playing? The Clintons know how to fight.
It’s a pretty serious braintrust between the two. She
understood that a woman of even her caliber, would
need vast resources to be taken seriously.

Is there a chance she’s hell bent for leather so she can then do at least some of what needs to be done?

All I know is that it’s close and that’s a good thing. I doubt you’ll see any of the top three, Obama, Clinton or Edwards, emerging as running mates or even VP hopefuls. They run too hard. It is a horserace and we benefit.

Poor fucking Republicans. HA!

What we need is, the most change we can get. Just think for a minute about the difference in potential for change between Edwards and Clinton. Then think about the difference between Kucinich and Clinton.

Huckabee’s suits are hiding a lot of loose skin.

Fucking Republicans.

See what I’m saying?

Drinks for my friends.

I admire drummers who can swing a beat. They’re onto
something. Life should not plod or march. It should swing. It should speed up and slow down.

Carson City, at the base of the Sierra mountain range and near to a mile high, has peaks to the west that jut majestically over four thousand feet above the valley floor.

Lake Tahoe at some sixteen hundred feet deep and a surface elevation of sixty two hundred hundred feet seems barely contained by the monoliths to the left.

The wind blows every day. Carson City whistles all the goddamn time.

He left home at thirteen. Sixth grade education from a
one room school house. Hunted deer with a twelve
guage loaded with slugs instead of shot. He rode the
rails and stole produce from the fields along the way
to survive.

Lied about his age to work for the Forest Service.
After that, the mines, with an epileptic partner and explosives. I believe it was during this time he married my mother.

His father played semi-pro baseball and cards. Never
took a drink or smoke of anything. He died at age
eighty nine from colon cancer.

Killed an elk a mere few years before he died and drug it out
of the woods by himself. Probably sent me the teeth.
He sent me a lot of teeth from animals he killed, typically in
an envelope inside a shirtbox of fairly salty peanut
butter cookies baked by Grandma Douglass. I think she died at a hundred and one.

His son, my Dad, has been in the hospital for too long
now. He is seventy five years old.

A few days back, I sat in the dim light of the night’s
middle in a hospital and looked at him. I spent the
night with him. It was hard. Highways of tubes
everywhere, draining and feeding. I fed him ice chips
every half hour or so.

He pooped and farted that night, which was brilliant, yet
his hands shook as he gripped the door jam to the bathroom.

The thing is, long after his body has ceased to be
tough, his mind still very much is. He is fearless.

Vessel and carcass to be durable again soon enough.

First day I walked into his room in the
cardiac wing, I clocked a tube sucking putrid green
lungbutter and what looked like shaving cream, from
his nose and into a jar mounted and hanging from a
cabinet.

A trio of beeping machines were connected to him and
mounted on a chrome tree with wheels. There was a sensor on his right hand he referred to as ET.

On the same tree were bags of protein, glucose and
painkillers.

He didn’t look too good at all. The color of
snow and ashes.

He was himself though. Blowing kisses and flirting
with the nurses. They all adored him because he was
such a good patient.

My Old Man is a motherfuckin class act.

A few months back my mother arrived at the conclusion
that it was time for my father to have a colonoscopy.
Last one was about twelve years ago.

Turns out he had close to a ten inch tumor in his
small intestine. A big ass mass. When Mom
said over twenty five centimeters, my heart sank.

It had to come out no matter what.

It was the biopsy that loomed.

They could only access the front of what I imagined in
my minds eye to be a malformed and hairless rodent.

Benign. So far so good.

Still, the doctors told us, these types of rodents
always turned malignant and it had to come out.
Otherwise, it would metastasize and the world would tilt.

The first surgery, a laparoscopy, went routinely. They took the bald rodent and lymph nodes.

Routine. No big deal.

Subsequent biopsy was negative. Thanks be to the powers that be.

A few days and things began to turn. No appetite.
Not passing anything, even gas. Pain. A few more
days, keep feeding him said the surgeon. We all agreed. A
decision we would all come to regret.

Because his stomach’s cargo had no other road to
travel, he began to vomit violently. Bring him they
said. A second far more invasive surgery they said.

My sister, rockstar that she is, spent nights with my
father and worked during the day. She runs marathons
you know. I’m pretty sure she could kick my ass.

My sister’s husband, a man I respect, admire and
adore, lost his mother just suddenly enough to be
cruel, barely two months ago.

Yet he came.

My father’s best friend besides his bride of fifty two years, a man who once bit another man’s finger off
in a fight, is a man named Pat. He fretted over my old man like a stoic woman.

His other best friend is a three legged dog he inherited from his oldest grandson. Her name is Billy Jean.

The only thing he fears is anything at all happening
to someone he loves. This shit happening to him now
is Fisher Price. He’s merely waiting it out.

I’ve witnessed his bravery before. All of five foot
six, he’d go after the biggest fucker in the room and
then kick his ass. He’d already lost an eye in a
barfight before I was even born. A concrete
foreman and somewhat of a legend in his local labor
union.

A legend because he’d out work you, out drink
you, maybe kick the shit out of you and then be a
perfect gentleman to your wife.

Both eyes were black for my sister’s wedding photos.

That brand of bravery was foolish, compared to
what I see now.

I am so very grateful for how tough he is. Two
surgeries in the space of a few weeks. The second of
them elaborately invasive. We’re talking opened wide
up and disembowled. Crazy amounts of pain.

He smiles and tells you about the turd he just
dropped.

I am in awe of this man’s courage and life force.

We talked politics in the dark hours before dawn. We
talked about how the better a candidate is, the less
chance he has.

We laughed about how special it was for a father and
son to share the moment of his first post surgical
crap.

My mother. Everyday she tells me, makes an Italian
soda. In a tall glass with an elbow straw, she mixes
ice, sugar free cherry syrup, club soda and Mocha Mix.

I tried it. It was quite good. Tonight I poured a
healthy amount of grenadine in to a diet Pepsi. It’s
working.

Today was his first full day home. I literally slept
all day.

Can’t go down Endmunds or up Nye. Viking is
completely out of the question and so is Lompa. I’m
gonna need to stop in somewhere. Have a nap. See
what’s up. I’m no longer from around here.

Small chunk of a nightmare. Sorry.

I drove the first half. Through the high country
beginning with Topaz Lake, past Mono Lake and over the
Sierras down into Bishop. After that, The Fish drove
and I was able to gawk at the southern end of the
Sierra Mountain Range as it conducted it’s daily
finale with the impossible jaggedness of Mt. Whitney
as the sun sank behind.

I came home to a Christmas Tree where there hadn’t
been one. To a clean house where there had been a
disgusting one. To gifts wrapped in shiny paper. Oh
my.

Sort of an epilogue:

He’s pooping. All systems are go. Sat at the kitchen counter today and watched a little TV. Tam, Todd and the kids came as well as cousins Derek and Marlow. They had Christmas.

The canine tripod named Billy Jean is back. My father’s favorite underdog has returned.

Sometimes I feel like my life will walk away from me
if I let it.

Drinks for my friends.

Most of my regular myspace readers are aware that I’ve
been shamelessly teasing the pending debut of a
website called brainspank.org.

At the behest of one regular reader/contributor, I’m
here to give a little backstory.

Let me just begin by telling you that I’m so goddamn
proud of this website that I weep openly at the drop
of an aircraft carrier.

It’s hubris I guess. Long before I passed forty
thousand blog reads on myspace, I decided it would be
a good idea to go indie. So I got myself a couple Pit Bulls and
leased a yard.

Thanks be to my friend and colleague Warren for
accepting a paltry remuneration for the cracking
design of brainspank.org.

The image you see is an actual portrait of me by a guy
named Dave Lehman (sp?). All the rest, including
logo, fonts, graphic design, registering of domain name etc were rendered from the brain of my man Warren.

Warren has the soul of a geek but he’s one of the
coolest geeks I know. And, he can hold his liquor.

Thanks buddy. I got fifty bucks burning a hole in my
pocket to inspire you to figure out how to let people
subscribe or at least be alerted every time I choose
to piss and moan. Can we do that?

Anyway, I’ve discovered that I have a lot to say and
that despite how remarkably cool myspace has been in
granting me an audience and allowing me to find a
voice, I need to lose the training wheels and see what
I can accomplish on my own.

I want to be taken seriously.

Thus, brainspank.org

Yes, this is my blog. It is MY box to elevate my MY
opinion.

I wrote this at the end of my inaugural blog on
brainspank:

“This may read a little gratuitous and probably even
cheesy, but it’s the truth. I like to write. I like
to pontificate. I like to rant and rave. I’ve a
predilection for distillation.

I’d also like to illuminate and clarify.

I tend to eschew obfuscation.

I believe my perspective to be be valid or I wouldn’t
be here at all.

I’m not just here to beat my chest. It is my hope
that you listen to me and then think.

I swear I’m not here to fuck around.”

So now you know. Questions?

Drinks for my friends.

Last night I discovered the ass end of a smoked turkey
frank in my pre-packaged tub of mediocre guacamole.

I’d left it as a sort of a subliminal gift for myself
the evening before.

When I first removed the lid it appeared like a human
digit. Coulda been a toe.

Then I traveled through time to when I left it there
the night before. How cool am I?

Any way, I gotta dump the shit box, take out some
trash and start some laundry.

You guys want a little rip?

Done kinda. Gotta line the trash can with the Hefty
stretch bag. Love those things, they always last
until the trash chute.

Seems like people are getting friendlier. I doubt
that will last.

Jack In The Box fish & chips are among the best
available. They don’t drop those bastards ’til you
order so there always piping hot. It’s good tartar
sauce and they have malt vinegar. I hardly ever eat
the fries. Worst fries in the industry.

How was your day?

Mine was pretty random. Went to
Chin Chin for lunch. Had shrimp toast, pan fried pork
dumplings, gift wrapped chicken and a glass of
sauvignon blanc. Read about Dumbya. Interesting
book.

I had them wrap up what was left……

The book of course, “Dead Certain” by Robert Draper.
Fascinating in it’s own way. There is less raw meat than I’d anticipated and to be honest, hoped for.

What it seems to be, is an honest and objective account that on the surface is somewhat vanilla. Very little moral estimation on Draper’s part. He walks a beguilingly non- judgemental line.

Draper does reveal both an extraordinarily disciplined administration and an appallingly inept one. In doing so, he lays bare a disciplined and inept chief executive who may not be the puppet the cynical among us believe him to be.

In many ways George W. Bush is a goddamn fool. Most of the ambulatory among us knew this. Yet we are left with the impression that he means well. No real evil in this man, merely a man in far over his head.

Here is a man with a falsely elevated sense of pride and entitlement, bolstered by a gang of sycophants that range from the obsequious to the greedy and right on through to filthy of heart and soul.

He thinks he’s leading effectively.

George W. Bush weeps often, yet otherwise buries self doubt and ethical imperative in a brutal exercise regimen and personal insecurity in a near religious optimism based entirely on candy coated clowns.

He has always been ambitious. He’s still an excellent cheerleader. He would have been far better for America had he stayed in baseball.

There is just as fine of a line between clever and stupid as there is between courage and stupid.

And as I complete this, Bill Clinton appears on a Jon Stewart rerun.

Oh man, this guy is something else.

I’m fresh off CNN and the internet and lotsa Dumbya clips.

The thousand foot cliff of contraposition beams like one of those giant fucking lenses shooting light into the night time pollution at a mall opening.

I don’t care where you stand on Bill Clinton, he is absolutely brilliant. Just how did we end up with unCurious George after eight years of William Jefferson Clinton?

Lucid, engaging, charismatic and sharp as a fucking tack.

Now he’s out there with his old friend and Nobel laureate Al Gore, doing their damndest to save the goddamn world.

Dumbya may not be a bad guy, his family might be pretty nice people.

Whatever. It’s just that despite any of that, they fucking suck.

Oh, and his reign has been at least the worst thing to happen to America since the agrarian age. I mean, his Presidency has been a nightmare of injustice, reckless spending, discrimination, reckless aggression, egregious disregard of the Constitution, secrecy, wiretapping, torture, violent rape and pillage of the middle class……….man I hate these fucks.

Anyway, I just imagined hiring a Saudi Royal to kidnap Ann Coulter and deposit her in a secret prison. I arrive at the undisclosed location and begin teabagging Ms. Coulter. Before long I close off her left nostril with my left index finger and piss up her right nostril with force sufficient to make the horse apple in her throat bob like a superball at the end of a rubber band being whipped by a paddle.

Drinks for my friends.

I sometimes wonder how close the human species is to
a precipice of absolute demise.

How lucky am I to live at the end of days?

Is this a good thing, reaping all the rewards of
technology/media and really good readily available yet
nutritionless food?

Am I, are we, being swept along in a foolish
march towards the end of humanity?

I really can’t say for sure, but it appears none too
swell.

Our government is relentlessly aggressive in fomenting
violence against countries that pose no threat to us.

We’ve killed about a million so far in this
“conflict”.

Tens of thousands of our own either dead or perhaps
worse, barely surviving, after coming within a
candle’s flicker of having their own lives ripped from
them and not until after their limbs have been torn
away.

Wading any further into these waters will likely end
with whole countries, swaths of continents even,
turned to glass.

The crackle of glass underfoot only to be
experienced by those properly equipped for the furnace
of radiation left behind. They will be there to
extract the only commodity left from entire global
regions.

Texas Tea baby.

An obsolete fuel with nothing but
archaic means to render into energy. At a cost now
hovering around one hundred dollars a barrel.

A hundred dollars for a mere barrel of ancient
dinosaur liquid.

Can you imagine the cost when only fools in special
suits can fetch that juice for us? Four syllables.
Exponential.

Clinton oversaw crude prices under thirty dollars a
barrel. I’m just sayin’.

The surface of the sun is some eighteen thousand
degrees farenheit. Her energy speeds towards us
relentlessly at over one hundred eighty thousand miles
a second.

This one female causes tides and the wind. We have
yet to harness the sun in any meaningful way.

We’re up to our necks in these waters and still very
few humans seem cognizant at all. Another few steps
and either our lungs adapt to turn shit and toxic
waste into oxygen, or we drown.

I hate to be “The sky is falling guy”, but I need to
tell you, we’re probably closer than you think.

Our economy is a giant sucking chest wound. Poverty,
unemployment, budget & trade deficits as well as the
uninsured, all way up.

Median income down but way more billionaires!

The middle class is being hunted. Successfully.
Niether a Democracy nor a Republic can sustain
without a vigorous middle class.

Welcome, to the machine.

Housing, once a a bubble, is now a crater. Millions
losing or about to lose the roof overhead. Record
foreclosures point to a citizenry in as far over their
heads as their assfaced government.

We owe China while China bends us over and makes toxic
food for our pets and toxic toys for our kids.

Ha!

The Chinese killed the poor bastard in charge of pet
food. Executed him. We stood around and wrung our
hands because we’re their economic bitch.

Have you seen the goddamn dollar? Against the
Canadian dollar or the Euro?

A giant, empty eyed, lumbering, pasty, corpse of an economy.

The American Zombie now spends about a half a million
a minute in Iraq. A MINUTE!

It really does go on and on.

We are standing before an unprecedented level of
financial fuckedness.

Then, we take stock of the planet itself. I don’t
know if Mother Earth is sick or pissed or both. It
matters not.

What she is, is sick and tired of us.

I’m sure she liked it better a few hundred years ago
when their weren’t so goddamn many of us. I don’t
doubt she’s in the throes of solving some, if not all,
of the conundrum that humans are for her.

As long as we continue to burn and pillage her forests
and vomit pollution into her air and water, she will
starve our droughts of moisture and dump waterfalls
and tsunamis on already drowning populations.

The ice will cease to be.

This is Mother Nature we’re talking about here. Look
what she does every spring just to thin the herd of
Coulter and Limbaugh disciples in the midwest and
dirty south.

Her arsenal includes fire, volcanoes and earthquakes.
Hurricanes, tornados and don’t forget precision
lightning.

She may just decide to piss rain on your town for a
month.

What are we doing?

We walk around like none of it is happening.

I really like electricity and TV, computers, the
internet!, running water and a clean place to crap.

I love that as I wrote this I communicated with
others, hundreds, even thousands of miles away on a
hand held wireless device and at the same time
researched every fact I’ve foisted upon you while writing and that it will be read across oceans and continents.

Ironic that the power of an individual has never been
greater yet, we can’t seem to get the bastards to
march the other way.

There is no water where they go.

It’s the other direction.

They are either too lazy or too stupid to pay a mind.

Fools.

“Don’t want no class reunion, the circus just left
town Why behave in public if you’re living on a
playground?” -Van Halen “Fools”

Literally, another few steps and we will begin to
drown. It is asinine.

This may read a little gratuitous and probably even
cheesy, but it’s the truth. I like to write. I like
to pontificate. I like to rant and rave. I’ve a
predilection for distillation.

I’d also like to illuminate and clarify.

I tend to eschew obfuscation.

I believe my perspective to be be valid or I wouldn’t
be here at all.

I’m not just here to beat my chest. It is my hope
that you listen to me and then think.

I swear I’m not here to fuck around.

Thank you very much for reading this far.

Welcome to brainspank.org

Drinks for my friends.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Of cats and not women……
Current mood: Man, Shoot!
Category: Man, Shoot! News and Politics

So the Senate passed a pissed on energy bill today.
No additional taxes on the fattest, richest
corporation in the history of man and maybe better,
some vague endorsement and funds for ethanol.

This is one helluva brain trust.

Who’s underestimating who here?

Ethanol is stupid. From every angle it is less
efficient and far more destructive than what makes the
wheel go round these days.

Look at my thumb. You’re dumb.

We’re so lucky to have this Democratically controlled
twig of a Congress. The Democrats should be proud of
their heroism in facing down a minority party that
implodes from the top down while erosion is rampant at
it’s base.

Pelosi, Reid, Feinstein, all proud Warrior Generals of
the Democratic party. Fearlessly, they face that wicked
witch while she melts helplessly.

Somebody keeps showing us closeups of a pimple while
saying it’s a volcano.

I fucking hate it when they’re so obtuse, they don’t
even care about overt.

I didn’t start this one with a point and I may not end
with one. Let me say these things though:

1) I care less about sports than most males I know
but I watched New England tear Pittsburgh apart on
Sunday and enjoyed it.

2) Take a look at Romney, Guiliani, Thompson and
Huckabee. Huckabee seems like a nice guy but what
we’ve got here is a field that shows up on my meter as
right between dipshit and complete asshole.

3) Oh God, imploding, eroding, dipshit and asshole
Britney missed her deposition today.

4) You gotta love that today we find out Major League
Baseball is on steroids. No shit. Can I get a
whiskey?

5) My new cat is the bearable lightness of being.
Whispy, clever and very funny. I’ll bet she tastes
like chicken.

6) There’s a certain point at which one must take
responsibility for the craziness in front of them.

7) I want to talk about the impact of a black woman
campaigning for a black man and the gravity of that.

Perhaps the most powerful woman in the history of
media has thrown her reputation and power behind a black
Presidential candidate.

She is not here to fuck around.

This is awesome if only for the gust of fresh oxygen
it breathes into the chase. We need this.

I’m not a huge fan of Obama but I’d be happier with
him than Hillary. She’s just a little too beholdin’.

Where was Kucinich?

Anybody esle want the super secret link to an unfinished blog on what will soon be brainspank.org?

Just ask niceley.

Drinks for my friends.

Currently listening :
A Night At The Opera
By Queen

So a friend, who’s a lawyer, tell’s me she once
aspired to be a judge and somehow expected me to laugh.

I didn’t.

I happen to think it can be a pretty noble profession.
Then she tells me it had a lot to do with her
picturing herself in a cape, as opposed to robes.

Then I fucking cackled.

Anyway.

She asked why I thought it so noble.

I said law is a discipline that ought to be adhered to faithfully and
that the best judges hold that discipline above every other ideology.

If they are faithful to the rule of law, the science and language of it, the empirical execution of it, judges are Wizards.

Then she asked me to define ideology.

I said ideology is based on moral presumption. She pointed to
religion and I said yes. The guiltiest of bureaucracies
for the crime of fomenting morality and therefore
ideology, are religious.

I said the good judges, the Wizards, are ethical, not idedological.

She asked what the difference between ethics and
morals are.

I said honesty.

Honesty is black and white. Morality
is subject to interpretation but honesty is very
easily defined. To steal is not honest. To exploit
is not honest. To lie or betray the truth is not
honest. To kill is unethical.

Honesty is still compassionate. Ethics must still have a heart.

Thurgood Marshall, who argued Brown v. Board of Education and later sat on the Supreme Court.

Wizard.

William O. Douglas wrote:

“Inanimate objects are sometimes parties in litigation. A ship has a legal personality, a fiction found useful for maritime purposes. The corporation sole – a creature of ecclesiastical law – is an acceptable adversary and large fortunes ride on its cases . . . . So it should be as respects valleys, alpine meadows, rivers, lakes, estuaries, beaches, ridges, groves of trees, swampland, or even air that feels the destructive pressures of modern technology and modern life. The river, for example, is the living symbol of all the life it sustains or nourishes – fish, aquatic insects, water ouzels, otter, fisher, deer, elk, bear, and all other animals, including man, who are dependent on it or who enjoy it for its sight, its sound, or its life. The river as plaintiff speaks for the ecological unit of life that is part of it.” -Wikipedia

Wizard.

Souter contemplated losing his shit or retiring after The Supreme Court finished with Gore v. Bush in ’00.

Wizard.

Where there are Wizards there will be Warlocks.

William Rehnquist, who took the dirt nap opposing Roe v. Wade. Scalia and Thomas, dirty bastards both.

Scalia goes hunting with Dick Cheney, doesn’t get shot in the face or recuse himself from the decision on whether Cheney has to tell us who shaped our disastrous energy policy.

You think ethics played any part in our United States Office of Attorney General firing eight federal prosecutors for refusing to pursue bogus charges of voting fraud against Democratic voter registration groups?

Hello and goodbye to long time Dick-in-Bush crony Alberto Gonzales. You obsequious prick.

Warlocks.

I offer these mere four as champions of adjudicating on behalf of percieved morality from the bench. Personal ideology over ethical adherence to law.

Our new attorney general claimed to not know what “waterboarding” is.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Warlocks, because of moral presumption over fairness.

Judges aren’t the only ones who can be Wizards.

I’m just saying.

Drinks for my friends.

A bloviating fucktard named Dumbya.
Current mood: Whistling the theme to The Andy Griffith Show
Category: Whistling the theme to The Andy Griffith Show News and Politics

The bloviating fucktard named Dumbya crawled out of his greasy hole
to address the latest report compiled by sixteen intelligence agencies today.

That report said that Iran had not even attempted to
pursue weaponizing the nuclear genie since 2003.

The IAEA maintains that Iran has been in compliance
all along.

Four years, Iran hasn’t done shit or step wrong, and
this administration has been on them like maggots at a decaying flesh rodeo. About about as long as Dick-in-Bush have been getting checks from the Executive branch.

Of course their bombs show up in Iraq. Imagine that kinda shit going on in Canada. Right next door?

And then he shows up on TV this morning to talk about it:

“Bush told reporters that he was told of “new
information” about Iran in August during a briefing by
Adm. Mike McConnell, the director of national
intelligence.”

Then Dumbya had this to say:

“He didn’t tell me what the information was. He did
tell me it was going to take a while to analyze,” the
president said. He said he wasn’t briefed about the
new information until the new intelligence report was
prepared last week.”

-Shamelessly lifted from CNN.com

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Let me translate his last statement into ‘dumbass’ for
ya.

“Shit fellas, I just barely learned about this my own
self”

Hey America, he says this with his hand on your
pito.

So now this bloviating fucktard and his handlers want
us to believe that just last week he stuck his finger
in the air and said, “waitaminute!”

Then he said, “Nevermind, it doesn’t matter. They’re
still evil and will kill us if we let them!”

You really have to be fucking kidding me. Man I hate
these douchebags.

Joe Biden had this to say:

“Are you telling me a president that’s briefed every
single morning, who’s fixated on Iran, is not told
back in August that the tentative conclusion of 16
intelligence agencies in the U.S. government said they
had abandoned their effort for a nuclear weapon in
’03?” Biden asked in a conference call with reporters.

“I refuse to believe that,” he added. “If that’s true,
he has the most incompetent staff in modern American
history, and he’s one of the most incompetent
presidents in modern American history.”

“It’s hard to think of a more serious and more
self-inflicted wound to our national security than
this president continues to inflict,”

I like it when Biden get’s pissed. I stole all that
from CNN too.

Seriously. The President of The United States of
America is trying to convince you that for months,
virtually the entire intelligence community in America
has been crafting a report that says Iran hasn’t even
colored outside the lines since 2003, and he didn’t have a clue.
No one told him.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Then, despite the mountain range of fuckery he’s
already responsible for, he wants you to understand
that Iran will still kill you in your bed.

“Iran was dangerous, Iran is dangerous and Iran will
be dangerous if they have the knowledge necessary to
make a nuclear weapon,” said Dumbya today.

-Yep. CNN.

This a test to see just how fucking dumb we are.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

See, I like it when the host and the guest are friends and you can tell.

HA!

Drinks for my friends.

So the Idaho Statesman reports that eight men have
intimated they had sexual relations with Larry Craig.
Four have been identified. This according to CNN.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

I gotta tell ya, I hate a hypocrite and Larry Craig is
THE worst brand thereof.

I don’t give a mad fuck that this sociopathic, lying,
self loathing piece of shit prefers the hairy
protuberance of a man instead of the warm and usually
fuzzy cleft of a woman.

Not really germane to the crime. It’s only relevant
in the metaphorical sense. He’s no different than an
arsonist fireman.

The question does deserve to be asked, how much of
this is our fault and how much is his?

I’ve said before that the issue of gay rights
including marriage et. al., is as pure and distilled
an issue of civil rights as there ever was. This,
very firmly predicated on the belief that one’s gender
preference is an inherent and purely biological
phenomena.

And you know what? I wouldn’t give a shit if it
wasn’t. Who cares? Life, Liberty and the pursuit of
ones own goddamn hapiness as long as no one else gets
hurt.

Hallowed be thy name and thy will be done and whatever
else.

The people that seek to prevent such pursuits are evil
and seek to harm. They seek to hurt, stifle, subdue,
cause suffering and ultimately pass judgement on
anyone unlike them.

People like Larry Craig.

American puritanical society is more than a little
culpable here. It is this construct of archaic voodoo
that foments and indeed allows the Larry Craigs to
flourish.

He’s a goddamn Senator for crying out loud.

Now. I’ve acknowledged society’s role here. That
doesn’t excuse this oily bastard’s role in the most
vile display of hubris and arrogance I’ve seen since
giant reptiles figured they could handle an ice age.

I’m having a tough time mining any sympathy in my own
heart for this fuck.

“Speaking on NBC’s Meet The Press, Craig told Tim
Russert: “The American people already know that Bill
Clinton is a bad boy – a naughty boy. I’m going to
speak out for the citizens of my state, who in the
majority think that Bill Clinton is probably even a
nasty, bad, naughty boy.”

“In October 2005, Craig suggested that flooded
sections of New Orleans should be abandoned after
Hurricane Katrina had hit and was quoted in a local
newspaper as saying that “Fraud is in the culture of
Iraqis. I believe that is true in the state of
Louisiana as well.”

Lascivious Larry also supports amending our
Constitution to prevent gay marriage and didn’t agree
with extending the federal definition of a Hate Crime
to include acts committed soley for reason of sexual
orientation.

Most of that was gleaned from Wikepedia.

I mean really. This pompous ass thinks he deserves to
keep his job so he can continue to foist his own
private nightmare of self loathing on America as a
publicly elected law maker?

I say the good rednecks of Idaho deserve the chance to
vote or not for this hydrilla of a man now that they
know what he really is.

The irony is, they would kick
his ass out office for being a fag.

Sheezus!

Do everyone a favor Lascivious Larry. I mean
everyone. Your family, your friends, your
constituents and all of America. Walk away.
Disappear. We really need the taste of you out of our
mouths. Go hang with Mark Foley.

Drinks for my friends.

Evil Knievel died this Friday.

I really like that it was incumbent upon folks to
address him as “Evil”. That was his name.

I have to tell you that we probably have him to blame for
everything from MTV to reality television.

Maybe his ultimate legacy is insipid but the man was a
goddamn genius at being a fool. He took a simple motorcycle and jumped it over fountains and busses and then tried to ride a rocket over a canyon.

When I was a kid there was Evil Knievel, Muhammad Ali
and astronauts. These were the men who were larger
than life.

They were brave. Upon not finding an opponent, they would fight themselves. And they would lose.

They were just spoiling for a fight.

I ended up being fascinated by rocketry and science in
general. Jumped a few things on my bike and later, on
a motorcycle. Blew a lot of shit up and haven’t
punched anyone since I was twenty years old.

Woke up with a mouthfull of dirt at least once.

America was of a different mind in those days, True,
she craved distraction. But, we looked for and
embraced men who would be gladiators. Fearless men.

Evil was an individual. If he didn’t end up in a
hospital after a jump you might come across him in a
local bar. He’d shake your hand or kick your ass
depending on how you behaved.

Today, we are addicted to the slightest glimpse into
another life, despite understanding full well that
it’s scripted. All but the stupidest understand that
it’s not what it appears to be.

Talk about ludicrous. It’s fucking insane and I refuse to participate.

There was an honest need for inspiration when Evil
Knievel shot across our first color televisions.

I think the country was as broken in those days as it
is now. Then, we coveted heroes. Today society is
ever more addicted to whatever distracts.

Yes, we are less than what we once were.

The cult of celebrity has taken over. George Dumbshit
Bush could not have gotten elected thirty years ago.

Now the best the Republican party has to offer is
Guiliani and Romney. Both of them colossal, empty headed, convictionless, dipshits.

Whatever. Evil Knievel is dead. I’ll bet he was a fucking
Republican.

We barely have any idea what we even need anymore. It’s ridiculous.

RIP Mr. Knievel.

My hat is off to you Mr. Fred Hunt and your goddamn
Eightball car.

There were far better men in my driveway as a kid than now run for leader of the free world

Drinks for my friends.

The thing is this. As a species, our history is
fraught with violence. It is positively grotesquely
laden. Laden grotesquely I’m quite positive.

Our last century really has been the first to
highlight that the smarter we become, the less safe we
are.

Our ability to visit death on our fellow humans has
enjoyed a particularly effecient yet bloody and cruel
renaissance in the last hundred years.

What exactly are we doing?

We race our technological prowess along side our
ethical morality every day. Is the end game merely to
see which prevails?

What are we doing?

Ladies and the rest of you, The Republican Party.

I watched over half of the youtube Republican
debates tonight on CNN. I gotta tell ya, they spent
most of that time talking about God, guns, war,
abortion and fags.

Ludicrous.

They didn’t let Ron Paul talk. Frustrating. I want
to hear this guy. He is by far the most compelling.
The rest, to a man, are dickwads.

Format: Good.

Questions: Better than I anticipated. Not saying much.

Performances: Just about everyone of these losers
turned straight into the wind and began pissing. Battle of invalids. Pretty goddamn sad.

And shut up. I’m all too aware that the Democrats
aren’t much better on paper. At least they afford us
enough respect to entertain substantial issues like
the economy, how to get the fuck out of Iraq and talk
to it’s neighbors, saving the
constitution………….you know, the little stuff.

The Republicans look stoopid as they scramble for a base
that has lost it’s mojo and all but abandoned them
anyway. It would be tragic if they all weren’t such
assholes. Instead, it’s kinda funny.

Fred Thompson suffers from delusions of Reaganesque
grandeur. When he turns sideways he disappears. He’s constructed entirely of paper.

Guiliani is fucking skeletor as well as an idiot. Let
me tell you about this fuck. He’s the worst kinda
dangerous because he believes he’s smarter than he is.
He is absent conscience, conviction, compassion and
brains. He is nothing but an opportunist.

I wouldn’t be suprised if Rudy got his ass kicked in High School.

Mike Huckabee seems like he’s real swell. Every
Republican in America is worried about the size of
this sweet man’s honker.

Duncan Hunter is clearly on medication that isn’t
working. Am I out of the loop here? Does he have
some disability? Tourettes? I swear he jerked like
he had gills.

John Mccain has been reduced to a testy little fire
plug. He’s got a modicum of conviction but he
practically cancelled himself out with his passionate
denunciation of torture and then vehement support for
the war. Weird.

Ron Paul actually comported himself well. Smart. He
quite simply has no charisma. This man has no better
chance than Kucinich. Neither fit what we’ve been
sold about what “presidential” is.

What they should do is join forces and go third party.
Neither one or the twain of the two will ever get
elected but this would be the best way to wreak some
wrought. Seriously, Perot split the vote between Bush
Sr. and Clinton. If that crazy little bastard can get
that far……….

There will never be a realistic third party candidate
in this country until we have zero bullshit campaign
finance reform and forego the nonsense of an electoral
college.

But these two could do some damage. Now’s the time.
Major combat operations are over. How many debates
are left? Time to hold hands and do a Butch &
Sundance.

“Take me to the river, drop me in the water
Take me to the river, dip me in the water
Washing me down, washing me down”

See what I’m saying?

HA!

Drinks for my friends.

Merely the events of the day as reported by CNN are enough to inspire one to spray precious liquor.

As they come around the first corner, all presidential candidates, republican and democrat, are pulling ever closer to even as they break sweat for Iowa and New Hampshire.

They are stallions regardless of sex and even the ponies out front are beginning to bite and kick.

Methinks this is a good sign as it reveals an electorate that is unhappy and pining for change.

Soon, Oprah begins to stump for Obama. Interesting. A sociological laboratory in real time.

I gotta tell ya that the only republican that isn’t an absolute dickhead is Ron Paul. The rest of these guys are appallingly worthless. Guiliani and Romney are spineless, absent even nascent conviction and overtly hypocritic.

Save for Mr. Paul, this is a low gene pool walking the dog group of talentless insincere asshats. Empty suits all.

By the way, Cheney’s black Darthheart had to have a kickstart this morning. Ha! He’s recovering at home this evening after “electroshock therapy to jolt his upper heart chamber back into a natural rythm.”

Then Dumbya had to do the photo op with Gore for the Nobel Prize thing. They both looked like they’d just smoked a choad, but Dumbya’s gaze was beyond compare.

It was clear that his sack had wrinkled. His testes had retreated. He did not swing low and in fact, had no swing at all.

I saved this next one for last because it’s my favorite.

Dennis Hof, brothel entrepreneur, shameless and therefore efficacious self promoter and a friend of mine, has made national news by declaring his support for presidential candidate Ron Paul.

He says he’s willing to put his money where his mouth is.

I know Dennis. We’re not close, but I know the man and I grew up in Carson City Nevada. And yes, he owns The World Famous Bunny Ranch.

I don’t doubt for a second that he is absolutely sincere. Mr Hof, in my experience, is a man who does what he says and says what he does.

Not only that, he takes my calls and when he calls me, he tries to convince the receptionist that he’s calling because he found my credit card in a house of prostitution.

I need to add here that I’m also friends with a mayoral candidate for the city of San Francisco. He’s a crossdressing bodybuilder republican who owns and operates the most notorious and infamous sex club on the west coast.

Sometimes, one has to stop and smell the roses, pay attention to real people and real things.

Drinks for my friends.

So, Scott McClellan, the former White House Press Secretary shat a nuke last week.

I remember watching the puffy squinty eyed little bastard behind the dais obfuscate with abandon while marveling at how he could just stand there and lie with so much conviction on national television.

I loathed him for his lack of integrity. For something like three years his job was to foist copious quantities of egregious bullshit on a lazy and often complicit news media to be disseminated to the the rest of us.

Absent any sympathy, I still couldn’t help but gawk at a man doing what was surely one of the most difficult and filthy jobs that exists in this country.

He was the official liar of the Executive branch. Talk about state sponsored terrorism. He was responsible for fooling a lot of the people a lot of the time.

“The most powerful leader in the world had called upon me to speak on his behalf and help restore credibility he lost amid the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. So I stood at the White house briefing room podium in front of the glare of the klieg lights for the better part of two weeks and publicly exonerated two of the senior-most aides in the White House: Karl Rove and Scooter Libby.
“There was one problem. It was not true.
“I had unknowingly passed along false information. And five of the highest ranking officials in the administration were involved in my doing so: Rove, Libby, the vice President, the President’s chief of staff, and the president himself.”

This, from a book written by the boy of dough himself. Not due to be available for purchase until April of next year.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Think about it. Some of the biggest breakers of this administration’s back have been former first stringers.

It began with “terrorism Czar” Richard Clarke and Secretary of The Treasury Paul O’Neill. They both published early in the reign of terror and both tomes blistered with indictments against what we see now as their most raw and gaping wounds.

Since then, former CIA and FBI agents, generals, people from his own father’s administration have been unapologetically vehement with crticism and even disdain.

There’s another rogue wave that has yet to bear fruit. The dead men walking that will haunt this corpse while it’s consumed by ugly scavengers. An entire deckfull of the good, the bad and the ugly. All of them pissed off.

Rumsfeld, Rove, Powell, Ashcroft, Gonzales and Christi Todd Whitman. Medal of Freedom recipientsTommy Franks, Paul Bremer and George Tenet. Scott McClellan, Ari Fleischer and Tony Snow. Tom Ridge, Norm Mineta, Tommy Thompson…….

Legislative Republicans en masse are in exodus. The party itself divided, fractured, in tatters and not bothering with the wounded.

This thing is rotten from the inside.

Dick-in-Bush are now a malignant cancer metastasizing at an exponential clip. They’re infected and fucked and they know it.

Ever seen a cornered opossum? Huge pissed off marsupial rodents. Really ugly and mean. Corner one and it will hiss, drool, growl and charge right at you and then disappear.

Let’s hope so huh?

The facilitating infrastructure has either walked away or been cast aside. What we are left with is an obese plutocracy and an utterly naked emperor. They are very, very dangerous.

No smoking, no open flame and do not approach the cage. Helmets mandatory at all times.

This is about to get very ugly.

What once was drunk with power, now cannot afford a drink yet still grips the reigns.

Man, I hate these fucks.

Don’t sit by the window.

Drinks for my friends.

Know something?

There is an entire buffet of
problems this war in Iraq has been forcing down our
gullets for years now.

All for obscenely avaricious corporate profit. All
one ever has to do in discovering the culpable in any
crime is follow the lucre.

America is just now waking up to the fat and calorie
dense hangover of a nutrient free feast catered by
corporate media and the plutocracy.

I’m talking about the damage done.

The hundreds of billions of dollars necessary to at
least attempt to provide the tens of thousands of
young men and women coming home with something
resembling a
normal life who’ve had their heads and bodies blown
apart.

Then there is PTSD, homelessness and a woefully
underfunded VA.

Until now we’ve only ever talked about the dead and
not the nightmare being lived by the survivors. Kudos
to CNN and 60 Minutes for shining a light this last
weekend.

The damage to America’s reputation and standing in the
community of the world will take decades to mitigate.

An alarming number of Americans are
unapologetic dipshits. Willfully ignorant. They
can’t be helped.

Just the other night I flamed some asshole on his blog
for
asking the stupidest question these dickheads can
muster, something about why do all liberals hate
America.

This kind of simple one dimensional thinking makes me
want to smash melons with a fucking bat. Melons and
people. People’s melons.

What follows is the comment I left on the
aforementioned asshole’s blog:

“Let me begin by saying for someone who cannot
construct a proper sentence, spell worth a damn or
cojugate a verb, you have a lot of courage asking such
an inspid question.

Then again, there’s a fine line between courage and
stupidity.

I will answer your question with my own.

Why do so many ignorant “conservatives” like youreself
cling so desperately to the notion that “liberals”
hate America? Newsflash asswipe; liberals love their
country and our troops just as much as you do.

Since when is patriotism the exclusive provenance of
retarded inarticulate conservatives?”

This brand of stupid fuck is not even thinikng about
consequences and costs beyond today. War is hell and
it’s a hell that keeps on giving.

I’ll be blunt. We’re spending over
seven hundred million a day. Over a half a million a
minute. Ain’t very many talking about the over six
hundred billion that will surely morph into a
trillion that will be needed to simply provide for the
disabled as of today.

AS OF TODAY.

Two words. Embarrassing and Tragic.

The lives lost, people displaced and shattered bodies
is beyond
horrific for something that began for not a single
valid
reason. Something that begat a house of cards so
embarrassing, and the didsaster it manifested
something
so thoroughly devastating, it is beyond those of us
who actually care, to understand.

It’s fucking sick.

Now, let me take you another step down this woeful
road. Dick-in-Bush pine and covet visiting the same
vivisection on Iran. Thus, more than doubling the
size of it’s cancer on America and the world.

The crimson tide devolves into a tsunami of human
viscera and an economic slide turns into a world wide
avalanche.

The price will take a century to pay.

So, forgive me for taking just one more step down this
wretched road.

Imagine that the good old US of A pops the cork on the
bottle with the nuclear genie inside.

Our last world war was some sixty years ago. It was
fought with conventional weapons until the the end.
Estimated deaths are 70 million.

Think about it. Do the math.

Drinks for my friends.

The most watched debate yet.

Hillary says she’s not playing the gender card but
that she’s playing the “winning” card and she get’s
applause.

Edwards, whom I like, get’s booed for pointing out that
she is accepting bank from the plutocracy. Summarily handed her own ass over a decade ago over health care reform and now takes humongous quantities of the filthy lucre from big pharma et al.

The very same lobby that smeared her smiling cheekbones visage in shit so long ago.

Edwards was right, for this we deserve an explanation.

It makes me crazy. Even on CNN, the direction of the
post game analysis is so completely wrongheaded. Who
won? Did Hillary get the better of Obama as opposed
to last time?

Who won?

Why aren’t we talking more about what they were talking about? About what they had to say?

How about when Blitzer prefaced a question by pointing
out that Kucinich was the only guy on the stage that
voted against the Patriot Act and his response was,
“That’s because I read it” ?

I doubt our little paste eater’s wife was in the
audience last night because she would have inevitably
gotten more camera time than him. He looked a little
tired but there’s no less light in his eyes.

I always come away from these things pretty much
digging the field. Yeah, most of these Democrats who
would be king are gladhanding, insincerely populist, well, politicians.

Biden was smooth, although his hair was kinda purple whenever he looked down.

I gotta tell ya though, there’s miles between this circus and that of a Republican debate where all they do is compare dicks and level of devotion to their imaginary friend.

Except Mr. Paul, of course.

I didn’t watch the whole thing. Who has that kind of
time? I think I fucked up when I set the DVR.

I have to say I had way too much fun hitting pause the
second a candidate closed eyes before making a point
with a tsunami of syrupy conviction, merely to imagine
them pushing out the most dank and rotten fecal air
biscuit with great vengeance and furious anger.

Ha!

Yep, I devoted too much time to freezing an image that made a candidate appear as if they were farting.

Blitzer had one of the best knots I’ve ever seen in a
tie. Kucinich’s tie sucked from hell to breakfast.

Then I thought to myself, I like these people.
A solid group. Well spoken, in possesion of subtlety and nuance and a comprehensive grasp of issues. Indeed, they make the Republicans
look like, well, like complete cunts.

You know, when I see this brain trust debate and
discuss, parry and thrust, they all glisten more than
a little. It occurs to me that most of these people
would be excellent cabinet members, diplomats or
otherwise executive appointees.

And yes, Hillary is quite impressive.

But our man Dennis speaks the truth.

The truth.

Is the surge working? No. It’s fueling the
insurgency.

Voted against the war and it’s funding 100 percent of
the time.

He also says the “Democrats in Congress have not done
the right thing for the American people. They should
tell President Bush, we’re not giving you another
dime, we’re not putting a bill on the floor, bring ’em
home now.”

And, “impeach Cheney”.

I do adore the little paste eater, the little engine that can and will.

And then this woman, I’ve no idea who she is, asks the
most inspid fucking question about the onset of
Christmas and Chinese toys. Work with me here. I
understand this is an issue and that steps must be
taken and things must be done.

What fucking ever.

Do we have a death toll?

I hate the idea of another American losing a few IQ
points because their favorite toy was painted with a
bright lead paint that was pretty but chipped easily.

My point being that although we’re already so goddamn stupid that we can’t afford another intelligence compromising contaminant, there are far more important fish to fry.

They indicted Barry Bonds today for lying about steroids to a Grand Jury. Why is this the government’s business and in the scheme of things, who gives a mad fuck?

Here I smoked some old tennis shoes.

Edwards was good too.

This is a brain trust. I’m not kidding.

Let’s see how smart these folks are.

Hillary will need a running mate. It is then that we’ll see just how
smart and progressive she is. This will be her test.
It will matter more than the selection of any Vice
Presidential running mate ever has.

Drinks for my friends.

The deal is this:

America tortures people. Americans are complicit in
allowing the torture of innocents to occur. Americans
don’t care.

Could this be true?

It pains me to point out that at least the last
sentence is specifically true.

“America” doesn’t torture, “Americans” are not directly complicit.
Yet it’s true when I say that Americans don’t care.
Sad.

Perhaps just as sad, the rest of the world pretty much
believes the first two sentences to be absolutely
true. And they have a point. Because if Americans
knew what the rest of the civilized world
knows……..

See what I’m saying?

Why don’t we know?

Whatever the reason we don’t know, it won’t let us off the hook, because all three statements are true. Americans are complicit in torture and we really are incapable of giving anything beyond less than a mad fuck.

Sometimes it all seems so hopeless.

A new Attorney General for America was approved by our
Senate last week. It goes without saying that the
shoes this poor sap steps into are filled with all
kinds of rot, foul, fish gore and insect larvae in a mature
and robust decay.

Bear with me, I’m assembling a burger.

Mukasey will need surgery on his stumps before
Dick-in-Bush skip off stage doing the best they can to
avoid looking like they’re being chased.

This man couldn’t speak ill of Waterboarding because
he claimed not to know exactly what it was. How
the fuck does one get nominated for Attorney
General of the United States of America without
knowing what waterboarding is?

He was obviously in laconic opposition to the Constitution about
silly things like privacy et al. as well.

You know, that illegal wire tapping/spying/monitoring stuff?

That comes up tommorrow and Feinstein will probably fold and all the fat telecom conglomerates will be immune from prosecution for spying on us illegally the second that turd leaves the Judiciary and hits the floor.

I digress. Another obsequious fucking meat puppet standing in the
same place Bobby Kennedy once did. Michael Mukasey.

The invertebrates held the gates open. They insured
him an “up or down vote” on the floor of the Senate
where his confirmation was a given.

OUR invertebrates. Schumer, who with righteous
indignation, brought this malleable dickhead to this
rodeo. He and our esteemed liberal from California,
Feinstein, held the gate open into the Senate
judiciary committee. And out.

This after Schumer beat Gertie (Gonzales) like a baby
seal on national TV. What new hypocritical devilry is
this?

We now have no excuse for not knowing. The practice
of “rendition” has been documented everywhere. It’s
been covered by 60 Minutes and CNN. Waterboarding
too.

Gitmo and abu Ghraib and torture. America tortures.
We drown and electrocute. We beat and humiliate.

America is guilty and hands itself a pass with this
asshat Mukasey.

“Who are these men of lust, greed, and glory?
Rip off the masks and let’s see.
But that’s no right – oh no, what’s the story?
There’s you and there’s me” -Supertramp “Crime Of The Century”

What have we become when the political party that has
staked it’s reputation on civil rights and truth and
justice for all, presides over this level of of overt
fuckery so successfully as to make it appear as not
but a covert whisper?

A once prestigious office designed to direct it’s
concern towards the rule of law and order exclusive to
any other ideal has fallen so far in so short a time
into the soil of common fear and manipulation.

Coated with human waste, the office of Attorney General of The
United States of America now paddles in the thick
sewage of executive deception and crime with the only
goal being to save these bastards, Dick-in-Bush, from
prosecution until they are confronted by the onus of
law that says they must go.

Fuck these fucks. Man I hate these fucks. Man.

Ashcroft was really bad news. Breasts on national monuments caused him to sputter and drool. Dancing was evil. He was tragically disturbed.

Gonzales was actually worse. He was truly evil and blind shithouse crazy loyal. Abstained from thinking for his fellow human at age six. Nearly a stereotypical sociopath. Probably a cool hang at a BBQ.

And now, for all intents and purposes, we have
a dickhead like Mukasey clutching a golden ticket
handed to him by our own.

Really good show you fucks.

I doubt I could be more thrilled that we handed you
assholes the majority.

Maybe you should have given Dick-in-Bush another 200
billion for the war at the same time and gone home
early.

Drinks for my friends.

Our little paste eater Kucinich pissed all over Darth Cheney yesterday.

I’ll begin by saying that I’m not willing to discount the role of hubris and posterity here. It is however, exceptionally brave, given that Mr. Kucinich aspires to be President and what he’s done here is opposed vehemently by the leadership of his own party.

Well, opposed by giant vaginas like Harry and Nancy. Reid and Pelosi. A sitcom about fearful, nervous elected representatives who find themselves so fearful they cannot operate in the interest of the people.

I am impressed. The little paste eater from Ohio is not here to fuck around. He undertakes and follows through on an endeavor that may be judged as magnanimous, artful and just; prosecuted for the good of the people, in the interest of subverting a consumate evil that jerked the wheel and steers America down a very bad road.

Or, when the empire suffers no restraint whatsoever, Mr. Kucinich will be seen as having pissed into the inevitable wind of greed and power. Perhaps hubris, posterity and humility.

What this man did yesterday is now a permanent part of the Congressional record. He conducted himself with aplomb and conviction. The case he made was intelligent and compelling. Richard Bruce Cheney should be tried for high crimes et. al.

This man, Dennis Kucinich, rocks.

Watch and listen.

Meanwhile, back at the theater of short attention spans and willfull ignorance, a young black man who may or may not have sold his political soul, battles an older establishment white woman who most definitely has.

They dominate our attention. Woe is us.

There are two candidates. Two. Dennis Kucinich and Ron Paul are the only two running for president who give a mad fuck about your future and the future of us. There are but two who presume to talk about the kind of change that might reverse this descent into the maelstrom.

You people scare me because your eyes are not on the ball.

We have far less than one year.

C’mon now.

brainspank.org IS coming.

Drinks for my friends.

The Democrats deliver us from evil again.

Ha!

Not!

Diane Feinstein and Chuck Schumer have indicated they will give the nod to Michael Mukasey. Mukasey being Dick-in-Bush’s choice to replace that absent minded and/or blatant liar Gonzales for the US Attorney General gig.

Yep, Feinstein, a Democrat from here on the left coast and Schumer, a Democrat from over there on the right coast have decided that this asshat Mukasey is acceptable to them despite his unwillingness to define “waterboarding” as torture.

This means it will leave committee for a confirmation vote on the Senate floor where it will sail like a frisbee over an entire gallery of a hundred men and women, who work for us, yet refuse to acknowledge that we’ve stopped asking and started demanding some very specific things. Some of us are screaming.

Waterboarding, by the way, is an interrogation technique whereby the individual being questioned is strapped to a board and nearly drowned over and over and over. They may lose consciousness. They may need to be resuscitated. Don’t know about you, but I might opt to have electrodes attached to my ball sack.

Goodtimes.

While defending him, Dumbya said, “He doesn’t know whether we use that technique or not”. And then, “The American people must know that whatever techniques we use are within the law.” Hee Haw, and then he said, “I’m not going to talk about techniques. There’s an enemy out there.”

Courtesy of:
Bush: No Attorney General if Not Mukasey
By Laurie Kellman
The Associated Press and Truthout.org

I see Alfred E. Newman in my minds eye. This is one empty suit out of his element motherfucker.

More disturbing and perhaps more ominous, Mukasey has left the door ajar on executive power to bypass the statutes and precedents that should be the sole jurisdiction of the FISA court.

He’s perfect! What more could this administration ask for but to have immunity from prosecution for torture and a pass to do-si-do around FISA? Schumer and Feinstein are willing. Oh joy. God love their obsequious hearts.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Kind of ironic that it was Schumer who was so vociferous with Gonzales when he was on the stand. Chuck was a house a fire, tore little Gertie apart. Showed him his liberal cock. Must be detachable. Probably in a jar next to the preserves in the back of the fridge this week.

Dick-in-Bush are chum in the open ocean without a complicit judiciary. The best chance so far to knee cap these pricks just may be squandered tommorrow by our friends Schumer and Feinstein.

How does that happen? How the fuck do they do that?

The future’s so bright, I’m gonna need me some blast proof goggles.

On a warm and fuzzy note…….

Our man Kucinich takes the floor of the House of Representatives tommorrow to openly call bullshit on Darth Cheney. He’ll be imlporing his fellow congresspeople to join him in impeaching The Darth Cheney.

Mr. Kucinich pursues this because of crimes committed against our republic’s most hallowed document on the rule of law. Our Constitution. He understands very well that he doesn’t have a root beer float’s chance in a blast furnace of succeeding.

Perhaps he has posterity in mind. I wouldn’t be suprised. I think though, he does it because it’s the right thing to do. It’s simple to him.

He can’t not.

brainspank.org now coming VERY soon.

Drinks for my friends